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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what you do for your MIL on Mothers Day?

152 replies

JellyBaby666 · 26/03/2019 12:18

Just after a bit of advice!

My fiance is away with work, so won't be around this weekend and is out of communication (military) so with Mother's Day coming up and us living near his parents (who are lovely) I'm just wondering what the best thing to for my future MIL is, given he's away and I want to acknowledge her and the day somehow.

Do I get a Mum card from us both (when I don't and wouldn't call her Mum, I have a Mum!), do I get a MIL card (when we're not yet married) just from me?

I know it seems daft but I want to kind and respectful, I think last year he was around so we both sent individual cards to our own Mums.

(Yes I have anxiety and yes I am overthinking!)

OP posts:
MinnieMountain · 26/03/2019 16:41

Could you invite her over for lunch? It might be a good day for you to both have company.

MinnieMountain · 26/03/2019 16:43

I should add that's what we do as we have a 5yo, so DH has 2 mothers to cater for. It works well.

MrsBartlettforthewin · 26/03/2019 16:48

Depends, do you want it to become your job for the rest of your life? If he hasn't organised anything then that's on him not you. Are you sure he hasn't preordered her flowers/ a message etc.

I don't do anything for MIL for Mother's Day DH does just like I do for my DM.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 26/03/2019 16:53

Depends, do you want it to become your job for the rest of your life? If he hasn't organised anything then that's on him not you. Are you sure he hasn't preordered her flowers/ a message etc

Have you read why he didn’t manage to arrange anything?

elfycat · 26/03/2019 16:58

When my DH (ex-military) was away I'd arrange a delivery of a gift to my parents and his (he wouldn't normally bother). I usually do a little planter with those tete-a-tete daffodils or similar in. They flower and can be planted out for the next year. To MIL I'd do it from him, especially after she tried to hand over all their family addresses to me at my wedding receptions as that shit is wimmin's work.

Now I don't bother with her, and I'll call my mother as she's away on holiday the following week and can't water anything.

Happilyacceptingcookies · 26/03/2019 16:58

I don't do anything for MIL, DH's responsibility.

Sparkletastic · 26/03/2019 16:59

Send her some flowers and a Moonpig card. Pretend it's from him.

WhatNowRandy · 26/03/2019 17:03

It's not really something I feel I need to do anything about. However, I did pick up an extra Mother's Day card when I bought a bunch of cards in a nice card shop, and saw one in the style she'd like. Not because it's my duty or anything, but I was there anyway, and DH wasn't. DH wrote it. He'll call his mother on the day, since we won't be able to visit. I'll tell him to say hi from me, too.

Erasure · 26/03/2019 17:16

Wow you lot are harsh! I hope my Dil isn't so mean. In our family we celebrate mother's Day as a chance to appreciate all the mum's in our family.

So the day before I am taking mil out to lunch, as a treat from one mum to another. We buy each other gifts as we are both mother's and I appreciate her as my husband's mum and she appreciates me as the mother to her grandchildren. We are then going back to hers to meet with DH and the kids and will give her gifts etc.
On the actual day (the next day) she will be with her daughter, who she sees rarely, for a day out, again they buy each other small gifts.

I will be with my mum on the Sunday and am taking her for lunch as part of a day out.
Plan is to be back in time for me to have my mother's Day treat - a hot bath alone!

I love the fact that we treat mother's Day as a recognition that we are all mother's and deserve appreciation, I wouldn't dream of leaving out mil or being arsey about how if she gets nothing it's down to DH... I can't imagine how hurt she would would be if she was left out and preventing her pain is more important than making a point!

Ilove31415926535 · 26/03/2019 17:20

I buy both mums a 'Mum' card and sign them from both of us. Whoever's mum it is gets their name signed first. I've only mixed them up once I can't get excited about DH doing it - he does plenty other so called 'wife work' that I can buy the odd card on his behalf and get him to write it 🤷🏼‍♀️
I think it's lovely you're thinking of your (Kind of) MIL, as her child is away. Flowers

BlackPrism · 26/03/2019 17:28

I remind DP to send flowers. We'd go over for lunch but she's away this year

0nTheEdge · 26/03/2019 17:34

I think you're lovely and understand what you're trying to do. I'd send flowers or the mug, etc. and a card where it's blank inside and write something along the lines of you know he'd have done it himself if he'd been able to. She obviously knows him well enough to know it's true and I'm sure she'll appreciate the gesture.

IMissGin · 26/03/2019 17:36

Nothing usually. Although I did give DH a bloom & wild code to order flowers this year and he sends a card. I’m not a massive fan

Alsohuman · 26/03/2019 18:02

How lovely that you want to do this, OP. You’re absolutely right that this isn’t the time or situation to give your feminism an airing. So pleased you’re being kind to your (future) MiL and your fiancé. Whatever you do she’ll love it and he’ll be grateful.

MRex · 26/03/2019 18:20

I'm really surprised by some of these responses.

We both sign all the cards; mothers day, birthdays, fathers day, Christmas etc. Their actual child usually signs first. Do the parents all think we're odd but are too nice to say so? They seem happy enough, so that seems doubtful. Usually we give a plant rather than flowers for mothers day as they both prefer it, they get gifts for other days. If you like your MIL then I'd say to go ahead with a card from both of you plus a plant or flowers, maybe go for lunch. A message that you know he would be there if he could would be nice.

saraclara · 26/03/2019 19:31

It's a lovely gesture. You fiances mum will be missing him, so you thinking of her will mean a lot. And it can only make your relationship all the closer.
My late husband always used to send his card just signed from him and I sent my mum's from me. But when he died a few years ago, of course I took over and sent her a card from me. She's a wonderful MIL, and deserves the thought.

I'm bemused at all the reactions where people think they have to make a point, at the expense of their mothers in law.

goose1964 · 26/03/2019 19:35

We send a joint card to my MiL, unfortunately mum is no longer around to send her a card 😭but it would be a joint one too. We've also bought her a box of chocolates, (her request) and we're going out for a family meal on Sat

Original poster
JellyBaby666 · 26/03/2019 20:08

I really appreciate all the replies, I want us to have a good relationship and I also totally acknowledge she misses her son on mother’s day! If I can ease her sadness a little I think I will. I’ve seen a scarf I think she’ll like and I’ll send her a bunch of flowers from ‘him’ 😂

OP posts:
Hiddenaspie1973 · 26/03/2019 20:09

Nothing. Oh does his mum, i do mine

TakeMe2Insanity · 26/03/2019 20:12

What I do: hope that DH has remembered to buy his mum a card - they live the other end of the uk.

What I would do if I was you: take her and your mum out for lunch so she isn’t alone or invite her round for afternoon tea.

ToffeePennie · 26/03/2019 20:14

I always buy my husbands card for his mother, I usually get her an expensive box of posh chocolates too. (She normally wouldn’t splurge on something so luxurious for herself) but this year I know she’s given up chocolates and sweets for lent so she’s going to get a bunch of flowers (again she normally wouldn’t buy herself them).
I write all the cards too. So she gets “to mum happy mother’s day love husband and wife”
I’m taking my own mother out for a meal and she has a card.

SomeLikeItTepid · 26/03/2019 20:18

I'm sure a "Mum" card and flowers would be greatly received. If she's aware that her DS is away and therefore sees that you've done this for her, she should be very grateful for having a thoughtful DIL. This is what I'd do in your situation.

HappySonHappyMum · 26/03/2019 20:27

I'd want you for my DIL! You are being kind and thoughtful, you acknowledge you have a good relationship and are thankful for it - that is lovely. This is exactly what I'd do if my MIL was still alive but instead we take flowers to her grave and every year and I wish she had been here to share in our lives and meet her grandchildren.

cricketballs3 · 26/03/2019 20:31

MRex fully agree with your post. All mothers day/fathers day cards have both our names as when we got married we became an extended family not kept separate.

It has always astonished me on MN for example posters speak about DH's nephew not our nephew as given you are married they are automatically your nephew as well

Pinkprincess1978 · 26/03/2019 22:13

I would do something for my mil but then she has been my mil for 18 years and she is my children's grandmother. I'm not sure what I would have done in your situation. I think a bunch of flowers on his behalf is a lovely thing to do.