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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My bf cried and I don't know what to think

159 replies

Shamoogren · 22/02/2019 12:10

I'm 4 years separated from a very difficult/ abusive marriage. Lone parent to 2 dc. Met bf at a party around 8 months ago and we have got on really well since.

I know in my heart of hearts that I don't want to live with anyone or integrate my life until the DC are older ie over 18. I don't think it would be in my DC best interests for lots of reasons including the possibility of it ending in tears and them going through that. I also cannot afford or cope with anymore children.

I have always told bf that if he wants kids (he is younger) I am not the woman for him as I absolutely do not want any more.

He has been making a few hints about living together 'one day', how he can be a third kid for me to look after, that he wants to be taken care of financially. Ive laughed it off but I thought I should really make it totally transparent that I am not available at all for cohabiting, blending or family life in any way, including financially. So I brought it up with him, nicely, explained of course I adored him and if he'd be happy with what I can offer then great but if not id get it if he didn't feel we wanted the same things. and he broke down and cried for about an hour. I felt awful.

Am I unreasonable for feeling this way?
Im not sure I understand why he was so upset as I wasn't saying I didn't want to be with him, just that the relationship would need to continue as is. Help.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shamoogren · 22/02/2019 12:11

Sorry , hints / jokes I don't think he was serious about the looking after or the finances

OP posts:
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 22/02/2019 12:12

You're feeling bad because he said that he wants you to basically provide everything - he wants you to financially look after him and he wants to be a third kid - he wants you to do everything for him.

YANBU. Run.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 22/02/2019 12:13

Cross post.

Why don't you think he's being serious? Why would he just say that?

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 22/02/2019 12:14

That was an extreme reaction on his part. Not sure whether he was trying to guilt you, or he's just very needy?

bingoitsadingo · 22/02/2019 12:14

He has been making a few hints about living together 'one day', how he can be a third kid for me to look after, that he wants to be taken care of financially.

Sounds like you've dodged a bullet there, tbh.
The beauty of children is that they grow up. Can't imagine anything worse than a man-child who doesn't want to!

Original poster
Shamoogren · 22/02/2019 12:14

To be fair on him, he has a job he works hard and he is very lovely to me , always pays his way

OP posts:
Original poster
Shamoogren · 22/02/2019 12:15

But yes I am wary of any cocklodger type thing

OP posts:
AllTheFours44 · 22/02/2019 12:15

I bet he was deadly serious. From the wanting to be looked after, the desire to be treated as your third child and the prolonged crying (wtf?!); it all screams manchild.

Run for the hills, OP.

StreetwiseHercules · 22/02/2019 12:16

“how he can be a third kid for me to look after, that he wants to be taken care of financially.”

What a weirdo thing to say. And crying is just hysterics to try to make you do what he wants.

AlexaShutUp · 22/02/2019 12:16

You have been open and honest about what you want. That might be upsetting for him in the short term, it's better for him in the long term to know where he stands so that he can make informed decisions about his future.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 22/02/2019 12:16

How much younger?
He sounds emotionally immature, and all those 'jokey' hints would be a huge red flag for me.

Original poster
Shamoogren · 22/02/2019 12:16

Well we've not broken up but I was astounded by his reaction... He said he has been 'imaginong what it could be like' and I think he liked it or felt relieved by it and I must have really shot that down?

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 22/02/2019 12:16

Why would anyone say they wanted to be looked after financially if they didn't mean it?

Agree with others - run!

SexNotJenga · 22/02/2019 12:17

You are reasonable.

Your bf is upset because you want different things, and you've made it clear that you won't cave on and go along with his wishes.

The hints he has made about you looking after him, including financially, would make me run a mile too.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 22/02/2019 12:17

He sounds really manipulative.

As others have said ... run!

michaelbaubles · 22/02/2019 12:17

There are men who are drawn to single mums because let's face it, you've got it all sorted out. A nice cosy home, financially sorted (not loaded but us single parents have to be on top of the finances), good routines etc. They think they could just slot right in, without having to do anything much (no having to house hunt, establish splitting bills and chores from scratch and so on) and reap all the benefits of your hard work setting all that up!

He's even said that's what he wants to your actual face! No wonder he cried when he felt his easy life was being taken away from him. Who wouldn't like the "full adult life + sexual relationship" package doled out on a plate??

But you're perfectly normal not to want to do it. I adore my DP and we're devoted to each other but we don't live together and I'm not bothered about it at all. I like my house with my DC how I like it. maybe we'll change down the line but right now, nah.

Clankboing · 22/02/2019 12:17

He probably just simply loves you very much and your message was hard to hear.

SexNotJenga · 22/02/2019 12:18

Cross Post with everyone

Original poster
Shamoogren · 22/02/2019 12:19

He is 10 years younger and I've always been totally honest about my age, my marital status and kids and not wanting more etc

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 22/02/2019 12:21

how he can be a third kid for me to look after, that he wants to be taken care of financially.

WTF!?!? That would have me running for the hills. Fast.

Original poster
Shamoogren · 22/02/2019 12:22

Thanks so much for wise words. I honestly don't think he was being manipulative they were real, body shaking tears with lots of 'i love yous ' interspersed

Maybe I'm emotionally unavailable? And will have a lonely life.

Full adult set up does seem appealing to him. And yes I do have it all sorted , mainly, but with a shitton of hard work and I couldn't take any more of a domestic load on

OP posts:
PalmTree101 · 22/02/2019 12:24

how he can be a third kid for me to look after, that he wants to be taken care of financially

Does he want to wear a nappy and have you breast feed him too?

Get rid of him! Seriously.

Original poster
Shamoogren · 22/02/2019 12:25

And if I'm being totally honest he is totally undomesticated, has no idea how much money/ time / effort is expended keeping things nice. Really what he needs to do is buy his own one bedroom place on one of the new developments round here which he could do on his salary.

OP posts:
CustardySergeant · 22/02/2019 12:26

Why does he want you to be his 'mummy'? Hasn't he got a mother?

DishingOutDone · 22/02/2019 12:27

Well either he wants you to "take care of him" in some way and that's why he chose someone older (and be under no illusion a lot of men want this) or he wants kids and a family.

Either way its a no from you. I'd let him go (or run away) now, before either of you get into it more deeply.

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