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Original poster

My bf cried and I don't know what to think

159 replies

Shamoogren · 22/02/2019 12:10

I'm 4 years separated from a very difficult/ abusive marriage. Lone parent to 2 dc. Met bf at a party around 8 months ago and we have got on really well since.

I know in my heart of hearts that I don't want to live with anyone or integrate my life until the DC are older ie over 18. I don't think it would be in my DC best interests for lots of reasons including the possibility of it ending in tears and them going through that. I also cannot afford or cope with anymore children.

I have always told bf that if he wants kids (he is younger) I am not the woman for him as I absolutely do not want any more.

He has been making a few hints about living together 'one day', how he can be a third kid for me to look after, that he wants to be taken care of financially. Ive laughed it off but I thought I should really make it totally transparent that I am not available at all for cohabiting, blending or family life in any way, including financially. So I brought it up with him, nicely, explained of course I adored him and if he'd be happy with what I can offer then great but if not id get it if he didn't feel we wanted the same things. and he broke down and cried for about an hour. I felt awful.

Am I unreasonable for feeling this way?
Im not sure I understand why he was so upset as I wasn't saying I didn't want to be with him, just that the relationship would need to continue as is. Help.

OP posts:
TBDO · 22/02/2019 13:14

Sham I think you are great to be clear about what you want for you and DC. I’m the same, a LP and can’t imagine anyone joining us - seems like too much hard work and another mental load that I just don’t need.

I’m happy to have a relationship with someone who understands my terms and I’m fa t have found one - a LP dad who also doesn’t want to do complicated blending families. We have a vague plan to live together once DC are adults.

You’ve been clear from the start. He sounds immature, which isn’t wrong but just not the kind of man you need possibly? Going though an abusive marriage and becoming a LP means you’ve had to learn how to cope - he hasn’t had that learning. And you definitively don’t need a man child.

IHateUncleJamie · 22/02/2019 13:14

@Cla9 This, exactly.

Which has made me shudder but again not sure why

That’s your gut instinct. Listen to it. There is nothing wrong with what you want, i.e. an equal partnership in all respects. You won’t ever get that with this man.

Sidge · 22/02/2019 13:15

Ugh, that sounds pathetic and manipulative.

I have nothing against men crying, I prefer a man who can acknowledge his emotions to an emotionally barren one. But to have a teenage-angst style drama cry is ridiculous.

He lives with his mum in his early 30s, has no concept of self management or being a grown up. How utterly unattractive. He just wants to slot in to your ready made grown up reality so he doesn't have to do it himself.

Fuck that shit.

(And I'm a lone parent who has her shizzle together too and has no intention of adding an extra manchild to my mix!!)

Luckingfovely · 22/02/2019 13:16

The Pot Noodle made a little bit of sick come up in my mouth.

We can all pick apart his crying etc for hours, but his overall behaviour, wants, and needs are not at all normal.

He wants you to take care of him. He's told you who he is. If you want another child, let him move in and look after him for the rest of your life. If you want an adult relationship, get rid of him and find an actual adult to have a relationship with.

He is not an adult and shows no sign of ever intending to be one. Your description of him actually makes me feel queasy.

Luckingfovely · 22/02/2019 13:17

But I also wanted to say that you sound bloody brilliant and bloody strong / and I think you deserve better than this man baby.

littledoll33 · 22/02/2019 13:22

I echo what everyone else is saying. RUN!

This is actually very weird behaviour, and a bit disturbing. WTF is wrong with him? I could never be attracted to that sorry. Crying for an hour, because you said 'no' to him moving in.

A friend of mine has split up from her DH after 25 years (she is a very attractive 49 y.o, who looks 7 years younger,) and had a man on her tail since she the week after she and her DH split. After about 2 months, she reluctantly accepted an offer of a drink with him, as he kept on and on.

A month later, they had been out 5-6 times, and she told me he was too intense, too needy, and was asking to move into her little second-floor flat that she owned, with her. She was wanting to end it, not have him move in!

She ended up yelling at him to fuck off as he wouldn't take no for an answer. He ran off and burst into tears. He was forty five! (Lived with 3 mates in a private-let house share, after his wife left him for another man 5 years earlier.)

Fucking weirdo.

I was just reminded of this by the OP, as the bloke who she is with sounds exactly the same.

BlankTimes · 22/02/2019 13:23

If you wanted to, you could help him to be more independent, financially and emotionally, open his eyes to what it's like having to stand on his own two feet, help him move into a place of his own and be a part of the real world.

Original poster
Shamoogren · 22/02/2019 13:25

That sounds awful littledoll. It does highlight to me how shit housing can be for people, really make them feel desperate.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shamoogren · 22/02/2019 13:26

Well I would certainly be open to that blank... In fact that is what he said when he left for work this morning that he would think seriously about looking into buying a one bed, which he knows would be manageable for him.

OP posts:
NotMySquirrel · 22/02/2019 13:26

Would they say the same about a woman crying for an hour?

Yes, yes I would. There's no need for it, really.

OP, if he was requesting privacy, were you at his house (in which case you really should have left) or was he at yours (in which case he should have pulled himself together enough to get home before wallowing for an hour)?

tomatostottie · 22/02/2019 13:27

My ex was 13 years younger than me and also prone to sobbing fits about nothing. He wanted a grown up relationship and living together and all the rest of it. No, he never wanted children. He had problems with his family etcetc. He loved his life with me etcetc.
Then he suddenly did want children and wanted his freedom. Two months later, no he didn't - wanted to be with me.
Never-ending story.
He was a manchild who had no idea what he wanted but an older woman taking responsibility off him was ideal (freeing up time for him to go out drinking with his mates etc).
Your bf sounds like this and he is older than my ex so should be more sorted. Being completely honest with you, I think you should end it - for your sake as well as his. He does not know what he wants. I bet in 5 years when he grows up he suddenly does want children and does off with some younger woman who can provide them.
And then there's the issue that you don't want to live with anyone until the children are 18 (how far away is that?). Fair enough - I totally understand that. But it means that you can't give him what he needs/wants -- ie. living together (and it sounds like him sponging off you - many a true word is spoken in jest...)
Believe me, he's going to end up draining the energy out of you and sucking the life and joy out if you stay with him. This is what happened to me - men like that are very needy.

Original poster
Shamoogren · 22/02/2019 13:27

Thanks @Luckingfovely Grin

OP posts:
Purplecatshopaholic · 22/02/2019 13:27

Carry on with the date nights if he is a good shag - otherwise ditch!

user1486915549 · 22/02/2019 13:28

Shamoogran.....no I meant his desire to be looked after and mummied sounded slightly kinky , not the crying 🙂

Original poster
Shamoogren · 22/02/2019 13:29

Tomato.... Yes I'm certainly thinking about it. No point in dragging this out if this is the way it will go

OP posts:
didofido · 22/02/2019 13:30

"about lone female parents - 'its a pot noodle family.... Just add dad' "

That is absolutely sickening! And it's often a useless dad who has caused the situation. Then there's the implicit assumption that of course mothers wouldn't bother to cook a real meal unless there was a dad to feed!

I'd ditch him for that alone.

Inertia · 22/02/2019 13:31

It sounds like he needs to learn to live as an independent adult before he'll be ready to embark on a relationship on an equal footing with somebody who has your level of maturity and level-headedness.

Original poster
Shamoogren · 22/02/2019 13:31

Sorry I have to go to work now if I don't respond for a while - thanks so much for all the helpful insight Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
Shamoogren · 22/02/2019 13:33

It sounds like he needs to learn to live as an independent adult before he'll be ready to embark on a relationship on an equal footing with somebody who has your level of maturity and level-headedness.

I think this is the crux of the matter.... And by which point he will want kids and cohabiting... It all seems a bit doomed tbh

OP posts:
lmusic87 · 22/02/2019 13:34

I agree OP, you seem to have a good handle on him.

CantStopMeNow · 22/02/2019 13:36

I did do the freedom program... Have not been able to detect any unkind or controlling or aggressive red flags so far but they could be slow coming im aware...
Abuse comes in many forms OP and i doubt the Freedom Programme covers absolutely every angle and possibility.
The nature of abuse is so insidious that you usually only 'see' it when you're in it....unless it's really overt abusive tactics (which 'clever' abusers keep hidden until you're hooked).

Red flags -
He still lives at home despite earning enough to live independently
He chooses to prioritise expensive hobbies and lifestyle instead of living independently
He is ignorant and out of touch with reality if he believes that meme he shared - and who in their right mind thinks that's funny?

He chose to make manipulative 'jokey' comments so YOU are forced to take responsibility for this conversation instead of talking to you like an adult.
He hasn't shared ideas of how you can build a future together, or discussed his wants or needs - just 'hinted' at what he wants and left it to you to deal with
Crying for an hour is ridiculous in this context and most likely a manipulation tactic to make you feel guilty....i assume crying 'uncontrollably' always got him what he wanted from his parents (who sound like they mollycoddle him anyway)
He is emotionally and mentally nowhere near the same maturity level as you and his life experience to date is very far removed from yours

Have fun with him if he's good for that but don't tie up your mental and emotional energy into rescuing/saving him from himself.

PyongyangKipperbang · 22/02/2019 13:41

Your set up is the only possible way I would consider seeing someone.

I am done with kids, have no intention of living with anyone ever again, or at least not until my youngest has left home and as she is 7, it isnt going to be any time soon. And I will never introduce them to my children.

I am very aware that this will drastically reduce my chances of meeting anyone but I am not prepared to compromise on that and neither should you.

Its ok to say "I want this, if you dont then I understand but I am not going to change my mind so if its a deal breaker then its best we split up".

And of course, he does sound incredibly immature and needy. Sounds like he wants a mum he can fuck to be perfectly frank!

Dontcarewhatimdoing · 22/02/2019 13:43

It sounds very much like he is a child, to your adult, when you talk of things like helping him be independent, and get his own place. He is a man in his 30's not a teenager. He should be perfectly capable of doing these things all by himself! You sound like you know your own mind, and have things sorted. Be wary of letting him spoil that.

littledoll33 · 22/02/2019 13:45

Yeah I agree with pyong, I would only cry for an HOUR if someone died! Confused

PutyourtoponTrevor · 22/02/2019 13:45

I don't think OP is actually reading any of these replies. I would definitely be running for the hills, not for the crying but the comments about looking after...just weird.