My bf cried and I don't know what to think

[Shamoogren]

I'm 4 years separated from a very difficult/ abusive marriage. Lone parent to 2 dc. Met bf at a party around 8 months ago and we have got on really well since.

I know in my heart of hearts that I don't want to live with anyone or integrate my life until the DC are older ie over 18. I don't think it would be in my DC best interests for lots of reasons including the possibility of it ending in tears and them going through that. I also cannot afford or cope with anymore children.

I have always told bf that if he wants kids (he is younger) I am not the woman for him as I absolutely do not want any more.

He has been making a few hints about living together 'one day', how he can be a third kid for me to look after, that he wants to be taken care of financially. Ive laughed it off but I thought I should really make it totally transparent that I am not available at all for cohabiting, blending or family life in any way, including financially. So I brought it up with him, nicely, explained of course I adored him and if he'd be happy with what I can offer then great but if not id get it if he didn't feel we wanted the same things. and he broke down and cried for about an hour. I felt awful.
Am I unreasonable for feeling this way?
Im not sure I understand why he was so upset as I wasn't saying I didn't want to be with him, just that the relationship would need to continue as is. Help.

[Aquamarine1029]

He cried for an HOUR? Run for your life.

[Lightofday]

Because it was obviously directed at you maybe lol. I'd shudder too.

[Littleraindrop15]

I think he is looking for a more typical relationship set up. Which I don't think you can give him...think there will be more sobbing to this if you don't nip it in the bud. He clearly wants to be cohabiting and taking the relationship further where as you don't which is fine but also makes you two uncompatible. Think long-term there will be a lot of resentment that may set in so might be a good idea to call it off. X

[PookieDo]

I’m in a similar position to you and I also ended things with a man who kept dropping weird hints like this.

He took one look at how together I have it and assumed I would want to share that with him. I felt it was very selfish and unequal expectations - it was not a realistic possibility but he was clearly fantasising over it. It made perfect sense for him and none for me. And that’s exactly why it’s a no go!

[TowelNumber42]

An hour of gut wrenching sobbing in front of you after only eight months when you've always said it was a never cohabiting relationship? He doesn't even know your children and daily life. You can't even have spent that much time with him given that you are a single parent and you are keeping the two lives apart (v sensible). He is Weirdy McWeird-Face.

Loads of men would love the ideal relationship you describe.

[Shamoogren]

I think I'd be a little creeped out OP. Something isn't right. And if it isn't manipulation, there's still something wrong with this guy. Young or not, most men aren't prone to hour long sobbing fits.

Is this the general view... That something is not right because of this? Is it very rare? First bf since marriage and exh cried quite frequently

[Purplecatshopaholic]

He wants to be your third kid, and taken care of financially?? GET OUT NOW!

[SilverDoe]

Hmmm.

On the one hand, it’s very hard to be in love with someone, especially in the early stages, and have to accept that you don’t have a future together in that you won’t be moving in together, getting married etc.

However, this is very sexist as I have been in his position when young (tears over worrying about future incompatibility based on circumstances rather than feelings) but his reaction is kind of very off putting to me.

Also the comments are creepy af to me, but that could vary depending on your own sense of humour and context.

I’d ditch him tbh he sounds like he’s going to make things complicated for you.

[Singlenotsingle]

At least he's shown his hand. You know what he wants...have you explained to him that you've got enough on your plate thank you very much, and you don't want any more kids to look after? And yes, he needs a one bed place of his own.

[Eliza9917]

Where does he live now? Does he live with his mum?

[Stayawayfromitsmouth]

The crying would put me right off. Not very sexy or manly is it? I'm sure the other stuff was just a joke but you are doing the right thing.

[Shamoogren]

No he doesn't know children and daily life at all.
Never been here when they are here.
Only date nights.

[burritofan]

He's an oddball. "Hinting" at moving in is immature and passagg – if he wants to do something mature such as moving in with a single parent (or anyone!), he should have brought up the subject directly: as you did! His approach and his batshit reaction tell you everything you need to know.

His tears & tantrum were either intentionally manipulative, in which case: run. Or he's THAT incapable of an adult relationship. In which case: run!

[SilverDoe]

I’ve been with my DP 6 years and I’ve seen him cry twice, both times when our children were born.

Crying can be a manipulative tactic. However it can also not be at all - I’m a crier I’m just sensitive and most emotions make me cry.

I have to say I’d be a bit weirded out if my partner cried all the time

[SirVixofVixHall]

How old is he op ? Because this behaviour does sound immature, so would read differently depending on his age.

[Jackshouse]

Very odd. I was expecting you to say he loves you but wants children and is very torn not that he wants you to be HIS mummy.

[Shamoogren]

Yes with his mum... Who does all the cooking, shopping and laundry... He is early 30s....

[Lightofday]

Yeah but exh was abusive right? Very common for NPD and borderline pd sorts to cry as a manipulation so wouldn't be surprised if an abusive ex cried a lot.

But not normal for someone you've been dating who youve clearly kept at arms length (away from your family) to have some sort of mental breakdown when you reiterate that that's what you want. Definitely odd. Have there been any other emotional outbursts during that 8 months?

[ChuckleBuckles]

First off OP you rock, four years out of an abusive marriage and you are living life on your own terms, know what you want and have firm boundaries in place. You have been clear to this man from the beginning about what you want so do not doubt yourself.

Can I ask where is he living right now, at home with parents or in flat share type set up? The answer to that will give you insight to his eagerness to join your home set-up. Is he seeing you as a way to live a more "grown-up" way without the hard graft of getting that for himself?

As for the pot noodle family comment that would set my teeth on edge, there is a presumption there that you would be only too thrilled to "add him as dad" and that implies that you are not capable on your own, which is clearly a lie, as I say as the start, you rock OP.

[FriarTuck]

He probably just simply loves you very much and your message was hard to hear.
This ^^. And a £ says it was nowhere near an hour of crying but a few minutes of being snuffly after a minute or so of crying.
Why are men not allowed to cry if they're emotional? Sounds a bit sexist to me.

[TowelNumber42]

For me it is the big sobbing crying in front of you for a prolonged time that is bizarre. Not normal. Of course men cry. Of course men cry when disappointed in love.

Most humans take themselves off to bed and cry their hearts out.

He didn't go off alone to lick his wounds. He engaged in performance crying. Performance crying is unusual and manipulative.

During that performance how much effort did he put into finding out what you want from life? You know, deeply understanding where you are coming from so he, as a person who loves you, can decide whether your needs are compatible.

At worst he sounds a manipulative wanna-be cocklodger. At best he sounds selfish and immature.

[Shamoogren]

Id like to think that some kind of fantasy future came crashing down for him.... He certainly does not seem to understand finances or living costs (owns three very expensive pieces of kit for a very pricey niche hobby) which is all very well if he is nothing to do with me or my finances I can just say oh yeah, fab did you have a good time.... But I know the money he spends is at the expense of saving / paying proper rent and bills

[roundturnandtwohalfhitches]

I think the replies on this thread are really odd OP. The idea that a man shouldn't cry because he's a man and its not manly or sexy is weird and totally totally wrong.
Maybe he really loves you and maybe what you're telling him is that he will never be a complete part of your life and maybe that has really upset him. I understand why you'd want what you want - same with me- but it is relegating a future partner to a bit part in your life. You should find someone who also wants that- it doesn't sound like this man does probably because he's younger.

[TowelNumber42]

He wanted a mummy.

[DesertSky]

OP you both want different things. You don’t need a man to validate you. You’ve already said you’re happy in life. If I were you I’d continue on my own and concentrate on the kids. Tbh men are more hassle than they’re worth