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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My bf cried and I don't know what to think

159 replies

Shamoogren · 22/02/2019 12:10

I'm 4 years separated from a very difficult/ abusive marriage. Lone parent to 2 dc. Met bf at a party around 8 months ago and we have got on really well since.

I know in my heart of hearts that I don't want to live with anyone or integrate my life until the DC are older ie over 18. I don't think it would be in my DC best interests for lots of reasons including the possibility of it ending in tears and them going through that. I also cannot afford or cope with anymore children.

I have always told bf that if he wants kids (he is younger) I am not the woman for him as I absolutely do not want any more.

He has been making a few hints about living together 'one day', how he can be a third kid for me to look after, that he wants to be taken care of financially. Ive laughed it off but I thought I should really make it totally transparent that I am not available at all for cohabiting, blending or family life in any way, including financially. So I brought it up with him, nicely, explained of course I adored him and if he'd be happy with what I can offer then great but if not id get it if he didn't feel we wanted the same things. and he broke down and cried for about an hour. I felt awful.

Am I unreasonable for feeling this way?
Im not sure I understand why he was so upset as I wasn't saying I didn't want to be with him, just that the relationship would need to continue as is. Help.

OP posts:
Bambamber · 22/02/2019 13:00

Stop thinking that something you are doing or thinking is wrong.

The guy sounds like a complete oddball, a man child. I would bet that if you moved in together it wouldn't take long for him to lose his job and he would be totally dependent on you.

A man that lives with his mum at 30 and she still looks after him? Hell no that's not normal, that s not attractive and he sounds like a liability.

Ellie56 · 22/02/2019 13:00

'its a pot noodle family.... Just add dad' Hmm

And he cried for a whole hour? Hmm

I don't know what to think either.

But you are not being unreasonable in wanting to keep your life with your children separate, and not want anyone else moving in.

NotMySquirrel · 22/02/2019 13:01

Hour-long crying fits are a bit much at any age and any sex, in my book, unless under age five or in response to bereavement.

Lightofday · 22/02/2019 13:01

Agree towelnumber42 its not the fact that he got upset, men can do that and it is normal but the hour long performance cry...definitely not normal.

HollowTalk · 22/02/2019 13:02

I would be really put off by him, but I suppose looking at it from his POV you are saying that you're not going to marry him or live with him. He may well wonder what the point of the relationship is. He's younger and obviously hoped to have a traditional relationship.

You would be better off going for someone in a similar position as you, I think, who doesn't want to combine families or share households.

NotMySquirrel · 22/02/2019 13:02

Also, pot-noodle families? A tad offensive. Water is essential to pot noodles. Your family sounds like it's complete and doing well without a man under your roof.

Original poster
Shamoogren · 22/02/2019 13:03

Thanks chuckles that is really nice to hear. It has been hard but the DC are settled and that's my priority.

I promise it was an hour. Of lying sideways in the spare room bed, requests for privacy and then me coaxing him to have a cuddle and a cup of tea . It was full on.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shamoogren · 22/02/2019 13:04

But not performance crying. And I certainly think it's ok and healthy for men to cry

OP posts:
Lightofday · 22/02/2019 13:05

Lol full on cray cray crazy you mean xD yup, run for the hills!

Original poster
Shamoogren · 22/02/2019 13:06

It was as though he had loads of thoughts and fears that suddenly completely overwhelmed him.

OP posts:
PBo83 · 22/02/2019 13:06

To me it sounds like he obviously really liked you.

Like you say, you've had a great 8 months together and he's probably been considering a long-term future with you. He's found out that you visions of the future aren't the same and he's upset.

This isn't your fault but it's perfectly understandable that he'd be upset when he realises that your relationship may not have a future.

micromanager1 · 22/02/2019 13:06

I don't think he's necessarily a creep. Making jokes about that kind of thing is probably a coping mechanism, or trying to make light of situation. I don't think he was seriously implying that you should take financial responsibility for him - more that he feels uncomfortable about the topic and was being comedic in the hope that you'd take the hint that he'd like to be more involved in future.

If you don't want that then you've done the right thing. Sounds perfectly fair and YANBU to want to parent your children without bringing a potential step-parent in. I think you're likely especially wary (justifiably) because it's only 8 months in!

His tears are probably sadness that your relationship is not able to progress at the speed he would like. Might be worth coming back to the topic with him and explaining carefully why 'pot noodle' comment highlights how different your expectations of relationship are.

TowelNumber42 · 22/02/2019 13:07

Did you do the Freedom Programme after your abusive relationship?

AlwaysCheddar · 22/02/2019 13:07

What a weirdo! He wants to be your third kid?? So essentially another mum but will shag you. And be paid for. What a dick. Run... run... RUN!!!!

TheInvestigator · 22/02/2019 13:07

He wanted to move out from his mum’s and into yours, and he wanted to keep spending his money the way he currently does whilst you covered the living expenses, bills, food etc. He told you what he wanted; someone who will look after him and support him financially so that he can carry on being a child.

You need to cut him lose.

Cla9 · 22/02/2019 13:08

Nothing wrong with men crying so that wouldn’t alarm me. The fact he wants to be your “third child” and taken care of financially? I’d run.

Original poster
Shamoogren · 22/02/2019 13:08

These run for the hills comments are making me chuckle

I think he's been coddled by his parents because of childhood health problems tbh. From what I can gather these were relatively serious and they have always called him 'a miricle baby' I think he's likely a bit slow off the mark in terms of confidence, financial reality and motivation, but I think he would get there, he's just not there yet

OP posts:
TowelNumber42 · 22/02/2019 13:09

Why do you think he ignored all your previous statements about what you want from a relationship? It's not like this was new news.

FriarTuck · 22/02/2019 13:09

Of lying sideways in the spare room bed, requests for privacy and then me coaxing him to have a cuddle and a cup of tea . It was full on.
Bit of a drip feed! He was trying to fall apart in private and you wouldn't let him but you paint him as having a drama queen hour in public.... Hmm

pictish · 22/02/2019 13:10

So do I OP and honestly I find some of the replies here about him crying totally shitty. Would they say the same about a woman crying for an hour? Of course not. Sexist gits with narrow minds.
Of course it’s ok and healthy for men to cry when they are hurt and disappointed. They are no different to us. I cry and so can they.

It’s a shame his hopes for the future have been dashed...but yanbu.

PBo83 · 22/02/2019 13:10

Of lying sideways in the spare room bed, requests for privacy

I think an hour of privacy to get over the possible end of a good relationship is perfectly reasonable. If he's asked for privacy then he obviously isn't crying for effect or manipulate you, rather that he's just upset.

When my first true love broke up with me, I was a bit of a mess for weeks and would cry randomly. I'm not ashamed of it, emotional grief can be incredibly painful.

TheInvestigator · 22/02/2019 13:11

*loose not lose!!
Can’t believe I made that typo!

Original poster
Shamoogren · 22/02/2019 13:12

I honestly don't think he's an oddball. Just living life and trying to enjoy it with what he has, trying to do his best.

Whether we want the same things or if he is the right person for me is another matter...

I did do the freedom program... Have not been able to detect any unkind or controlling or aggressive red flags so far but they could be slow coming im aware...

OP posts:
RedPanda2 · 22/02/2019 13:13

Honestly he wants to go from one mummy to another. I know a woman that attracts these types and she ends up doing everything for them. You want an equal partnership and you sound sorted and why should you settle for anything less????

RedPanda2 · 22/02/2019 13:14

Avoid men in their thirties that are living with their parents but can afford to move out....it normally means they are immature and babied!