My bf cried and I don't know what to think

[Shamoogren]

I'm 4 years separated from a very difficult/ abusive marriage. Lone parent to 2 dc. Met bf at a party around 8 months ago and we have got on really well since.

I know in my heart of hearts that I don't want to live with anyone or integrate my life until the DC are older ie over 18. I don't think it would be in my DC best interests for lots of reasons including the possibility of it ending in tears and them going through that. I also cannot afford or cope with anymore children.

I have always told bf that if he wants kids (he is younger) I am not the woman for him as I absolutely do not want any more.

He has been making a few hints about living together 'one day', how he can be a third kid for me to look after, that he wants to be taken care of financially. Ive laughed it off but I thought I should really make it totally transparent that I am not available at all for cohabiting, blending or family life in any way, including financially. So I brought it up with him, nicely, explained of course I adored him and if he'd be happy with what I can offer then great but if not id get it if he didn't feel we wanted the same things. and he broke down and cried for about an hour. I felt awful.
Am I unreasonable for feeling this way?
Im not sure I understand why he was so upset as I wasn't saying I didn't want to be with him, just that the relationship would need to continue as is. Help.

[littledoll33]

@shamoogren

That sounds awful littledoll. It does highlight to me how shit housing can be for people, really make them feel desperate.

But using what he perceived to be an emotionally fragile woman (who had just had a breakdown of a long marriage,) to try and get his feet under the table in her home, was low. Pestering her to date him within DAYS of her announcing she and her DH had split, then lovebombing her, and then asking to move into her home that she owned, (within a month of their first date,) was incredibly manipulative and sly.

Luckily, she was not fragile and vulnerable, and told him to fuck off.

His housing situation was fine. He lived with 3 male friends in a shared house, with a long term tenancy. The house had been a rental for 20 years. He wasn't living in a cardboard box in a shop doorway or something. He was living in private let - like 20% of the country's population who rent. Approx 12-13 million people.

He just wanted to get into her home so he could have a servant to wait on him hand and foot, and cook and clean for him, and give him a shag whenever he wanted it. He would probably have tried to make a claim on her home too. She was well shot of him. Sorry to say this, but your man sounds the same as my friend's (ex) man.

As I said, RUN. This man sounds like a toxic manchild.

[Dragongirl10]

Maybe, I'm emotionally mature? And will always have a full life as I'm enough in myself. If I find a partner who is happy to share this, great. If not, great.

This^!

He is in his thirties?!? that is ridiculous behaviour....I thought he was going to be 18!

Don't doubt yourself op, you are doing great and it is really refreshing to hear someone prioritising their DCs stability and happiness.

Well done you, (and listen to those niggles)

[JasperKarat]

Meh I wouldn't read too much into the bring looked after comments if you know his sense of humour, in the run up to our wedding I would make jokes to DH about looking forward to being a kept woman, quitting my job, presenting him with a martini and dinner on the table every evening, while I listen to his tales of stressed the feeble female mind cannot comprehend. He knows me and that I'm about as far from a fifties housewife as he'll find, that I earn more than he does and am ambitious. That's why it was funny.

I guess he thought you'd change your mind at some stage, when you were together longer and things were going well and it's hit him hard to know your relationship can't progress.

[SchadenfreudePersonified]

I bet he was deadly serious. From the wanting to be looked after, the desire to be treated as your third child and the prolonged crying (wtf?!); it all screams manchild.

THIS ^

My Gawd!

What a twonk! None of us get everything we would like from life - we don't sit and cry like babies over it.

You are still together, so he isn't being dumped. What's he really got to complain about? Plus - I notice that he isn't suggesting that you get married and share finances/ workload/ responsibilities etc - just that he move in (for you to run around after).

Don't let him invade your personal space - you have been there, had a bad experience and are now, wisely, keeping that part of your life separate.

One day in the future, you may decide you want to live with hm, or with someone else - but make sure that that is YOUR decision, made freely, and not one you have been emotionally blackmailed into by an overgrown baby!

Point out to him that many a man would love to be treated purely as a sex object No don't. He will sob that you are objectifying him and taking advantage of his virginal innocence.

Keep things the way they suit yourself Shamoogren - if it gets too upsetting for you, and he nags at you about it, TBH, I would suggest a break from each other so that you can both have a good think about things.

Tears and other tools of emotional blackmail aren't attractive in a four-year old, let alone an adult.

[contrary13]

Like others, I don't think he was joking when you thought you were. I think he was "joking" - but deep down, whether he'll admit to this or not, he wanted to be that third child... y'know, the one which won't ever grow up and fly the family nest.

You say that he works and always pays his own way. Cocklodgers to to start off with - otherwise how would they get their feet under the proverbial tables they eat their free/not cooked by them at all meals at? And yes; there are men out there who are attracted to single mothers, because we do have life pretty much sorted (on the surface, at least ). The fact that he cried, in a dramatic, over the top/toddler throwing a tantrum sort of a way...? How are you supposed to respect that, OP? I know I couldn't.

You've dodged a bullet and, as fond as you are of him, maybe now is time to draw a line under this unequal relationship and move on - hopefully to a man, as opposed to a man-child, who you can be on an equal footing as adults with?

[PutyourtoponTrevor]

You don't want the same things so why not cut him loose? The longer you keep seeing him, the more he will want to move in and talk about having more children

[SilverySurfer]

FriarTuck Fri 22-Feb-19 12:57:04
He probably just simply loves you very much and your message was hard to hear.

This ^^. And a £ says it was nowhere near an hour of crying but a few minutes of being snuffly after a minute or so of crying.
Why are men not allowed to cry if they're emotional? Sounds a bit sexist to me.

Too funny.

He's not only a mummy's boy but a cocklodger in waiting who is stupid enough to tell you in advance. I would send him back to his mummy, OP.

Well done for knowing what you want in life,

[contrary13]

*do to start off with.

(ahem) I can type and spell... just not during half-term when there are offspring milling about!

[sonjadog]

Sounds like performance crying to me. Who sits in someone's house sob sob sobbing for an hour because that person has said something that has hurt them? Most people I think would go for a walk or go home if they needed a good cry, not lie horizontal in the spare bedroom. Also, an hour? I've nothing against people crying of any gender, but an hour? I have never come across anyone genuinely upset crying for non-stop for that length of time. Sobbing on and off, yes. Shoulder-shaking howling, no.

[PyongyangKipperbang]

I've been thinking about it and I can only remember one time when I cried for an hour non stop.

It was about 6 weeks after my marriage ended in a very traumatic way. I had held it all in, for the kids, because I had to work, because I was struggling to acknowledge the feelings. Then something very small and totally unrelated happened and it all came out. I cried and cried and cried. I cried so hard I was sick actually. It sounds very dramatic but it wasnt, I was at home alone and just let it happen, it was very healing. I needed to do it.

But in someone elses home, over a mild (at worst) disappointment? What a bloody drama queen.

[mummmy2017]

Sorry but crying for an hour means he probably does it at home to his mum.
Maybe she asked him about moving in with you, as she wants a life.
If your child cried for an hour over being told no, I don't think you would be pleased

[Shamoogren]

At work now so can't reply really- but worried that I've put a lot of identifying details in and it would be excellent tabloid fodder along the lines of 'what women really think about men crying' and so I've asked it to be zapped. The advice has been brilliant and I'm certainly taking it all on board.

[PositiveVibez]

Please don't drip feed that he asked for bitty.

[timeisnotaline]

I think the tears were for realising he hadn’t sewn up the next stage of being cared for.
I want integrated op. But not with a clueless 30s manchild with no concept of savings, investments, bills and finances, or cooking shopping and cleaning. I’d run a mile from that.

[MitziK]

Send him back home to his own Mummy. He might love you, but this reaction and his testing the waters about being looked after/another child suggests very clearly that he is not an appropriate person to be in a relationship with.

[JonestheRemail]

Yes to the manipulative performance crying. I had this from an exbf with whom I went on FOUR DATES when I said I did not want to see him again. TBH I had worked out by that time that he was not coping with life and my main appeal was my house, money and a ready made family so he did not have to struggle any more, but when he started crying over it that confirmed it was the end for me.

I can understand being hurt and disappointed, I can understand crying, but really, the normal thing to do would be for him to fuck off and do that in private at home, not lie in your spare bedroom crying dramatically and expect anything other than a bye mate.

[Bakingberry]

My only advice is run for the hills and don't look back!

[Seaweed42]

My 2 cents worth - as a therapist training in Attachment and psychodynamic therapy.
All the time he was looking for a substitute Mum.
"It was as though he had loads of thoughts and fears that suddenly completely overwhelmed him."
The thought of you not becoming his alternative Mum really, honestly, genuinely came as a massive shock to him.
In his unconscious mind, he had created and was holding a fantasy about you looking after him.
He has not yet separated from his Mum. The truth is at this point, he never will unless he seeks therapy to try to complete this process.
Or he can move out on his own and spend a couple of years living alone. Likely he will try to buy an apartment within 5 mins of Mummy and go to hers every night for dinner.
What I would forecast happening is that he would move in with you. Everything would be fine for a few weeks. Slowly he would start expecting you to be Mum. Because in his unconscious mind you would become the Mum.
Then he would start competing with your children for your attention.
More likely if he is an only child or Mum's special boy. There would be ructions in your house.
Silent treatments, pointed remarks 'you don't really love me' etc etc.
He basically cried like a child. You saw that. He has actually said to you do you want a third child. It is what it is saying it is.

[TheHodgeoftheHedge]

Absolutely everything CantStopMeNow said. X100.
The simple fact of the matter is you both want different things and you should listening to your gut “shudder” about his jokes of an instant family and being taken care of. These are serious red flags.
Cut him loose and be done with it.

[Mushroomsarehorrible]

Sounds like he was joking about the third kid / finance stuff, OP. The tears could have been because he's... shock horror .. upset that his hopes of a future with you have been ruined

How does anyone on this thread know that he had cocklodger potential ... so much surmising it's actually laughable.

No wonder MN has a such a rep for being a nest of man hating vipers

[headinhands]

Thank god he was so honest about his expectations. He sounds like a child.

[hellenbackagen]

Op ,

He is 10 years younger and he just probably hoped the relationship would progress in time.

I do t think he is being unreasonable in that but you clearly want different things. He was probably just sad that you spelled it out so clearly.

I get it a bit - my kids are grown up and I live with my dp but he has told me he will never marry me . He just doesn't want marriage ever again. And I found that hard because there was a part of me that wanted that romantic ideal. It's not s deal breaker for me, but it would be if he wanted to keep at arms length and firmly in casual girlfriend status.
You need to talk to him. He was living in hope.

[NunoGoncalves]

He has been making a few hints about living together 'one day', how he can be a third kid for me to look after, that he wants to be taken care of financially

WTF? What kind of a person says something like that? Yuk!!

explained of course I adored him and if he'd be happy with what I can offer then great but if not id get it if he didn't feel we wanted the same things. and he broke down and cried for about an hour

This "man" sounds like a child.

[Gina2012]

Well we've not broken up