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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To share what my Smear nurse said?

302 replies

LellowYedbetter · 20/02/2019 12:53

On Friday I went for my smear ... after two weeks of dreading it. The embarrassment, the awkwardness, what if I smell? What if the nurse thinks I look weird down there? What if .. what if ... what if ...

Well I got there and sat down. The nurse made small talk about unrelated stuff and then sighed and said “I’ve got 12 smears today, all one after another! I’m going to be smeared out by the time I leave work!”

Ok so apart from the “smeared out” comment making me laugh like a giggling school kid I IMMEDIATELY relaxed. This procedure that is a nightmare for the patient is just one of many jobs on that nurses list. There are at least 11 other women having their smear today with this one nurse. As if this nurse is going to remember the smelly fanny of patient number 3, or the hairy legs of patient number 1, or the fat belly of patient number 8 ... it made me realise that although the procedure is a massive deal for the patient, to the nurse it’s just another 20 minute appointment. It helped me. And I’m posting this hoping it might help others?

OP posts:
FooFighter99 · 20/02/2019 12:57

Smeared Out brilliant!

Thanks for posting OP, lets hope it helps someone overcome their (unnescessary) fear Grin

iklboo · 20/02/2019 12:58

Anyone else singing 'All Smeared Out' to the tune of 'All Cried Out' Grin?

Celebelly · 20/02/2019 13:01

I'm singing it to the tune of 'All Shook Up'

golddigga · 20/02/2019 13:01

I'm glad it helped you relax!! When my most recent one was done my nurser said 'you can go and have a little treat now, maybe some chocolate?' And I said 'I've got a twix in my bag I've been looking forward to'. Her response (totally innocently, not meaning any gross connotations) 'Ooh smear twix, how nice!' Now all I think about when looking at a twix is 'smear twix'! And bearing in mind it's fingers of chocolate too... 😂😂😂😂

KingLooieCatz · 20/02/2019 13:05

The nurse I saw pretty much insisted I celebrated with tea and cake. She reckons everyone does. She also said at her surgery she won't have a "smear morning", they do a whole range of stuff. She said she wouldn't be bothered anyway.

She was fab and suggested I put the speculum in myself, which made a world of difference and is now my top tip for smear fear.

May be we should talk about smear fear more. I'm pleased to see there have been a few threads about smear tests lately, where people share their tips.

Original poster
LellowYedbetter · 20/02/2019 13:07

I’m glad I’m not the only one that found “smeared out” hilarious! I thought I was just being childish 😁

OP posts:
Queenie8 · 20/02/2019 13:11

The nurse who did mine last month is amazing, she makes the whole thing relaxed and painless, and also says go and get yourself a treat, some chocolate or cake.

I'm going to dread going once she retires 😢

Chanandler · 20/02/2019 13:11

I had a similar conversation except the nurse said "I've done so many smear tests today, I've just been up to my elbows in ....awkward pause...... paperwork".

Janecon · 20/02/2019 13:12

It's really nice of you to post that to help others. I must I admit I'm genuinely baffled as to why anyone dreads smear tests; they don't bother me at all, but it does seem to be an issue for many women. They've just been talking about it on Loose Women which is also a good thing.

UrsulaPandress · 20/02/2019 13:23

When I went for a smear a couple of years ago I knocked on the Nurse's door. I was her first patient of the day and she clearly had not looked at her jobs for the day. When I told her I was there for my smear test she rolled her eyes and said "Oh joy, just what I need first thing on a Monday morning".

To be fair, smears never used to bother me but the older I get (and the fatter I get) the more unpleasant they become.

BarbaraofSevillle · 20/02/2019 13:23

They were talking about smear avoidance on Woman's Hour a couple of weeks ago and someone made what seemed to be a very valid point that it was ironic and even more puzzling that it seems to be mainly younger women who are more likely to be smear avoiders due to embarassment even though these days we are led to believe that for the majority of them, having their pubic hair removed by a beautician is totally normal.

Maybe smear nurses should hang around beauty clinics and swoop in every time a client with an overdue smear comes in for a bikini wax?

BusySnipingOnCallOfDuty · 20/02/2019 13:26

After pregnancy number one i became used to wacking my vag out, legs akimbo.

But i developed external piles (well, a pile) with my fourth pregnancy and have been less ok with smears ever since.

MrsTommyBanks · 20/02/2019 13:28

I love seeing my smear nurse. She always shows me videos of her (mad as a box of frogs) dog.

DollyWilde · 20/02/2019 13:28

Exactly barbara. I appreciate this isn’t the same for everyone but I would go through 20 smears rather than have 1 bikini wax (indeed I’ve done both rather a lot, one due to a pre-cancerous cells result a couple of years ago)

edwinbear · 20/02/2019 13:29

I had mine last Wednesday. I too dreaded it for weeks, not from an embarrassment factor (post 2 DC and prolapse surgery I have zero remaining dignity), but I have always found them uncomfortable and a bit painful. The new nurse at my surgery must be an advanced level smearer - once I told her how anxious I was she was so reassuring, that we'd go at my own pace, did I want to insert myself (no thanks), we'd stop if it hurt etc. To be honest, I hardly felt it!

Usernumbers1234 · 20/02/2019 13:29

Great post OP, good job! Star

DorisDances · 20/02/2019 13:32

I had a student once who came out with the immortal line "I can't see the wood for the trees" We all laughed ....

flowersaremyfave · 20/02/2019 13:33

I actually look forward to my smear tests. It's nice to get someone to have the kids and go and have a chat with another adult 🙈

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 20/02/2019 13:33

My first smear was also around a few months after my DD was born. The nurse knew I had a baby not so long before so as she got down to the goal end she asked if I had a c section.

Childish but over a decade later it still amuses me. I like to think she just just complimenting me over the tightness of my vag. That's what I tell myself anyway.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 20/02/2019 13:36

Oh and my last smear the speculum broke inside me. Nurse apologised profusely but it werent her felt.

saxatablesalt · 20/02/2019 13:38

I don't think the fear is unnecessary. I find smears hugely traumatic and very painful.

Yes of course it's better than the alternative, and I do go, but let's not pretend they are always quick and painless because they aren't.

Bowsbows · 20/02/2019 13:39

TallZorah I'd take it as a compliment too, as had you actually had a c-section you'd have had a visible scar line for her to see (particularly a few months after having a baby) and she wouldn't have needed to ask.

MakeItAmazing · 20/02/2019 13:42

Hi thought you were going to complain so it is lovely to read you were able to relax. I once went for an extra smear with a new to me nurse and she made it very clear she wasn't in the mood to do the unexpected exam. She told me doing one or two was all right. But she wouldn't want to do them all day. Made me feel really crap.

HeyNannyNanny · 20/02/2019 13:43

Have you watched Russell Howard's sketch on smear tests?
I've gone off him recently but I had to admit it really tickled me and the message behind it was good. I'll try and find a link...

Bowsbows · 20/02/2019 13:44

saxa I do think some smears are quick, some aren't, some are uncomfortable, some are not as uncomfortable. I've had ones where they couldn't get it on the first (or second) go and it was uncomfortable and a whole lot of messing around and wishing it was over, to ones where it's been so quick that it takes probably literally 20 seconds, barely a scratchy feeling and that is it.

I think the plastic speculums help enormously as my first smears were with the old, (cold) metal speculums, clumsy and uncomfortable. The plastic ones are warmer, better shapes and seem to open more smoothly (probably better as well so the opening is easier for the nurse to get to the right area).

It sounds as though you have not had quick and painless smears which can't have been nice for you, but I think that reading your post could be off-putting to other posters who are worrying and I wanted to add that some can be extremely quick and fairly easy to do.