IMBU (Is MIL being unreasonable?)

[follywalk]

SIL had her baby (unplanned pregnancy but wanted and the same number of months as many of us have to prepare) in hospital last week and MIL is furious with all the staff on the ward.

Her complaint? That “they” expected SIL to look after her DD but “SIL knows nothing about babies and no one showed her what to do”.

She says that DD was left crying until another woman on the ward told SIL that she was probably hungry and to feed her. From what I gather someone had shown SIL earlier in the day how to prepare a bottle etc. but then left her to it, SIL had “forgotten” what to do and thought someone would come and do it again.

There was another incident with a nappy but I haven’t had the full story. It sounds like someone snapped at SIL but again “poor SIL” didn’t know what to do and had to ring MIL who left work to come and sort things out.

SIL didn’t go to any classes, read any books or even ask for advice when in hospital. MIL says she “didn’t like to”.

It’s been a week and MIL is still mad telling everyone and anyone how bad the hospital was. She even angrier now than when DN was first born.

She’s being unreasonable isn’t she?

She’s being over protective. Anyone hearing her ranting will think either ‘why didn’t she prepare for the baby’ or ‘’why are you moaning and not helping her”. Just leave her to it!

In 1981, my mum was taught by the ward nurses how to clean, bathe, change and feed me. She was in for 10 days (CS). 35 years later I had DD by emcs and was taught nothing by the ward team, and left to just get on with it, and sent home after 48 hours.
I think MIL and SIL are both massively unreasonable.

Your sil sounds useless.

But I still think staff should help new mothers in hospital who are struggling. For whatever reason. Leaving a sobbing mum and crying new born isn't ok. Esp when visitors are limited to visiting times. (Quite rightly)

So that's a yabu

When I had my first Ds, we stayed in hospital for ten days and the nurses taught us how to change a nappy, how to bath the baby and how to feed him. Your mil is probably remembering this and being astonished/shocked at how things have changed

Your mil may expect that because it’s what she got when she had her children. My mum will say how she was taught and shown everything when she had myself and my siblings whereas now new mothers are largely left to it.

However she needs to realise sil needs to be taking care of her child without blaming other people. If mil genuinely believes sil does not have a clue on babies, then someone needs to step in to ensure baby is being cared for. It is not the hospital’s fault.

Does SIL really want this baby? Do you think she maybe suffering from depression?

It does not sound like the hospital is being unreasonable accept if the baby was repeatedly or continually crying more than the average new born or if she seems unable to forfill the baby’s needs then I would except them to step in and encourage SIL to respond. But non of us were there and to some extent midwives have to prepare mother for when they are home but themselves.

Midwives aren't allowed to help with formula feeding, but they can with breastfeeding.

She should have asked for help

Maybe your MIL should have helped SIL get prepared!!

She has a point, new mothers at thrown in at the deep end these days. But anyone with half a brain knows the pressure the nhs is under and staff are doing the best they can.

Sounds like mil should have stepped up and showed sil these things instead of whinging about it.

As Single and Esmee say, your MIL probably had this experience when she gave birth, with lots of help and instruction. However, has she lived under a rock since? Surely she has heard about how things have changed in the NHS and how stretched midwives are? And your SIL didn’t do any kind of prep at all??? WHY??? They both sound like utter morons tbh.

SIL wasn’t sobbing, baby was. SIL just seems oblivious to the fact she has a baby to look after.

She's just caring about SIL. Without knowing why SIL didn't attend classes or ask for help I'm not going to judge her - maybe she was lazy or maybe she was scared to attend and felt ashamed to ask again. Hopefully instead of judging her people can help her to help herself. And maybe hospital staff need to know to look out for people who aren't coping.

kissthealderman She is the most slapdash person I have ever met. Dithers about everything until someone does it for her!

Surely the hospital has a child protection duty to identify mothers that aren't competent or coping?

MILs had 9 months to teach her stupid daughter these things. Why would she expect medical staff to do so if she couldn't be arsed?

Follywalk - learned helplessness, then. I feel this will continue.

Not true Lazypuppy I had plenty of help from midwives formula feeding my twins. The midwives found different teats for one who couldn't get the hang of it, fed one for me and showed me how to burp them etc. I also had tonnes of help breastfeeding my first child and I was shown how to bath her. This was all within the last 4 years.

Doesn't sound like you like sil very much. I'm sure she is the only new mother who hasn't known what to do, maybe she is suffering from depression? Perhaps you could help rather than slate her online

Postnatal care on NHS wards is in an awful state. Yes, she should be more prepared but there should also be more support. I work with new parents and the report that the postnatal care and support is awful is what the vast majority of new parents tell me. The only ones that don't, are those that babies are in special care or ones that leave after a few hours.

When I had my DS by CS, one of the nurses on the ward demonstrated how to change his nappy, deal with 'boy bits' as he was my first child and I didn't have any brothers growing up so I didn't have to change any nappies of theirs. They also showed me how to bathe and dry him while supporting his head. This was at the start of 2000. This was in Dublin. I'd imagine that with the health system being stretched, it's very hard to have enough time to give someone all of this advice but if your SIL needs it she should ask for it. She is only storing up an issue for herself when she is discharged. Your MIL should also be helping rather than complaining if she feels that the help is insufficient.
I have no idea why your SIL didn't ask for advice when in the hospital as that is the perfect opportunity to do it. What did she expect was going to happen - that her baby would be born and poof! overnight turns into an upstanding member of society, paying their way and earning a crust??? She sounds kind of dizzy to me to be honest.

I think that’s it, MIL probably thought they would teach her in hospital. It also accounts for why MIL was a bit sarcastic about my going to nct classes years ago! (She said they were a waste of money but I thought she meant the expense of nct classes in particular, not all classes in general!)

I think a fair few of us had no clue about babies when we first had them, even if we attended classes. She may remember a different time but why wasn't she showing SIL what to do? YANBU

YANBU. Your sil sounds worringly incapable. I’m guessing she’s quite young. Are people keeping an eye on her to make sure she and the baby are doing ok? Possibly you could flag this up to the midwiving team and they and the hv could offer your sil some extra support. This is what your sil really needs, not a ranting mother.