IMBU (Is MIL being unreasonable?)

[follywalk]

SIL had her baby (unplanned pregnancy but wanted and the same number of months as many of us have to prepare) in hospital last week and MIL is furious with all the staff on the ward.

Her complaint? That “they” expected SIL to look after her DD but “SIL knows nothing about babies and no one showed her what to do”.

She says that DD was left crying until another woman on the ward told SIL that she was probably hungry and to feed her. From what I gather someone had shown SIL earlier in the day how to prepare a bottle etc. but then left her to it, SIL had “forgotten” what to do and thought someone would come and do it again.

There was another incident with a nappy but I haven’t had the full story. It sounds like someone snapped at SIL but again “poor SIL” didn’t know what to do and had to ring MIL who left work to come and sort things out.

SIL didn’t go to any classes, read any books or even ask for advice when in hospital. MIL says she “didn’t like to”.

It’s been a week and MIL is still mad telling everyone and anyone how bad the hospital was. She even angrier now than when DN was first born.

She’s being unreasonable isn’t she?

SIL lives with MIL at the moment but was talking about applying for a house when the baby came
Oh dear, I don’t think it will just be having to look after a baby that’s a shock for her in that case...

Busy without getting to know someone well and assessing them in various ways, I think it’s doffocult to say whether or not she has a learning disability.
I agree some of the behaviour op has described could be linked to a learning disability, but it couldn’t be diagnosed from what she has said.

Probably because I’m in the legal profession and MIL will eventually ask me if there is any chance of compensation. Of course I will be “spiteful” and not help her!
I think you just say it’s not your area of law and tell her where to look up the details of someone suitable to discuss it with.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain Actually that was just a bit of a sarcastic comment to a poster who called me spiteful, I deal with conveyancing!

I was shown how to feed, bath and change a nappy when DS was born. had they not, I'd have figured it out and asked for help (which I did when he wouldn't feed properly and someone came and sat with me.)They even took him for a short while so I could have a quick nap 😊 I feel very lucky to of had this support though. Ideally it should be like this everywhere but it's not rocket science. Your MIL sounds a bit daft

At least it really isn’t your area though...

Busybusybust can you tell me more? We have a family friend in a not dissimilar position. No diagnosis of anything but very dosy. What makes you say she has LD, and surely that will only be a problem if she’s in danger of harming the baby.
Please keep posting!

It does sound like learning difficulties to me too, and probably learned helplessness as well, the two are not mutually exclusive. I think that just putting it down to laziness isn't kind though, you seem determined to see your SIL in the worst possible light.

Is the baby's dad on the scene? (Apologies if this question has already been asked.) If not, and your MIL isn't able (or willing for that matter), then the baby may be taken into care, if your SIL isn't capable of looking up het child herself.

She does sound like my DB, who has MH issues and learned helplessness, my DM sorts everything out for him. Thankfully, he never fathered a child (he's 50 now).

The thread wasn’t about SIL, until people started asking questions and I answered them. But don’t let that put you off calling me names if you need to be mean to someone lol!

The baby’s dad is in another relationship, I have no idea what the arrangement is. MIL works and I doubt she’ll give that up to care for the baby. Maybe she’ll show SIL what to do, don’t know.

Until this week we never gave it much thought. We presumed SIL would be looking after her baby in a typical way.

Just asked DH about the learning issues. He thinks it’s more of a case of MIL babying SIL.

Jesus, OP, you sound really harsh on your own SIL. You sound like you hate her. Try having some compassion and being generous.

She sounds thick as shite tbh. It’s one thing not knowing what to do (I didn’t know how to sterilise a bottle as I’d been expecting to breastfeed) difference being I a) knew my babies were hungry, and b) asked the midwives and health visitors for help.

MIL is being unreasonable but she’s clearly spent her entire life treating her daughter like a child if there are no learning difficulties.

Nurses really don’t have the time to show new mums what to do. SIL should of learnt before hand, read books, attend a course, etc. She didn’t really help herself. MIL is being very unreasonable.

GameFrame Right, thanks for that

I didn't have a clue what to do either with my first. A midwife helped me change a nappy during the night (while shouting at me to be faster!) and another one showed us all on the ward how to Bath a baby. Also had help with feeding. Second time around my baby screamed for four hours and I eventually buzzed for someone to help me and she said "try swaddling him in your cardigan" and left. (It did work though!) I am a perfectly sensible, mature person with a responsible job but had never looked after a baby until I had my own one!

Aww bless her. She sounds without a doubt learning difficulties or on the spectrum. I have 2 with ASD & a lot of what has been said I can see my D doing should she be in that position. No doubt she has also been pandered to by MIL. I can admit to being a bit guilty of that with mine too. Sounds like SIL will need an awful lot of help & guidance. I expect MIL is quite frustrated & probably exhausted at having to look after a child within an adult body continually & is lashing out a bit! They need a social care assessment from SS.