IMBU (Is MIL being unreasonable?)

[follywalk]

SIL had her baby (unplanned pregnancy but wanted and the same number of months as many of us have to prepare) in hospital last week and MIL is furious with all the staff on the ward.

Her complaint? That “they” expected SIL to look after her DD but “SIL knows nothing about babies and no one showed her what to do”.

She says that DD was left crying until another woman on the ward told SIL that she was probably hungry and to feed her. From what I gather someone had shown SIL earlier in the day how to prepare a bottle etc. but then left her to it, SIL had “forgotten” what to do and thought someone would come and do it again.

There was another incident with a nappy but I haven’t had the full story. It sounds like someone snapped at SIL but again “poor SIL” didn’t know what to do and had to ring MIL who left work to come and sort things out.

SIL didn’t go to any classes, read any books or even ask for advice when in hospital. MIL says she “didn’t like to”.

It’s been a week and MIL is still mad telling everyone and anyone how bad the hospital was. She even angrier now than when DN was first born.

She’s being unreasonable isn’t she?

My sis had her baby in hospital by C-section. First baby for the family. we had both been to anti-natal classes. To be honest the ward staff were HORRIBLY unhelpful. They told her she mustn't change baby on the bed but due to anasthesia sis couldn't move and they wouldn't help her. She couldn't even lift the poor baby. She struggled with breast feeding - again zero help. They'd covered my sis with plasters (despite having been told of her allergies) and wouldn't give her any antihistamines to reduce the allergic reaction. They said a visitor would need to bring them down. There was no "Dad" for the baby but they wouldn't allow me (birthing partner) to stay after sis was returned to the ward to help looking after baby - I was told to leave and come back at visiting (it was mid morning not middle of the night or anything). To be honest it was a grim experience with uncaring and frankly rude midwives. She used a different hospital to have baby #2!

Sounds like a misunderstanding. In MILs day, the hospital would teach you to care for your baby, even if you had no birth complications you might stay 10 days in hospital and be instructed in baby care. MIL perhaps didn’t realise that things have massively changed and the hospital will shove you out very quickly, very often less than 24 hours and any instructions will be brief, basic and sometimes even rude. When I had my 2nd, I heard a midwife shout nastily at a woman who’d had her first. She was struggling to walk after CS!

Whilst your mil sounds gobby, you should probably cut her some slack here.

Sil and mil are bu but I think you get loads like this on the postnatal ward. With one of mine I was opposite someone very similar, buzzing all night then when her mum came in the morning, the mum was complaining non stop that her dd hasn’t been helped with the baby in the night - but to be honest the midwives had helped her loads!

Hmm, is a lot of it not common sense? I’d never changed a nappy or fed a baby a bottle before I had my DC (and no one in the hospital showed me either) but I managed ok.

I feel sorry for this baby already OP I think she will need you in her life for some common sense and intelligence

I think it depends to a degree.
When I was in hospital my baby was sick all over himself and his sheets. No one had explained to me where the clean sheets were, and I couldn't find anyone to ask, so I just cleaned baby and sheets off the best I could and left him lying in a cleanish bit.

Later on, I wanted to bath my baby and was told someone would be along to show me where I could do it. I waited for an hour, then asked again - same response. Eventually 4 hours later a nurse came and "told me off" for not bathing baby- when I explained I had no idea where to do it or where a baby bath was she huffed a lot, but did show me.

I can see from the outside this could sound like me being totally incompetent, but as I could scarcely move, didn't know where anything was and no one was about to answer questions it really wasn't ...

She’s probably OTT but staff are so unhelpful on the post-natal ward. When I was there, I wouldn't have noticed it if they had all buggered off. In fact, maybe they did.

Being the eldest of many grandchildren, I didn’t need to be shown anything really - had given bottles, changed nappies and am also very good at using good old common sense.

But I was still mightily pissed off by midwives/healthcare assistants disregarding doctors advice to give me painkillers, their lack of knowledge on breastfeeding (and formula as well for that matter), sending me on a hunt to get fresh bed sheets when I could barely walk...

So no your MiL is probably not being unreasonable.

Ummm...why didn't your MIL tell her what to do?

Or SIL could have simply read the package or looked at a YouTube how to video.

Its a baby you feed it you keep it clean and you take it to the drs and the health visitor. You research everything a thousand times reading every bit of info you can because it's a human life you are responsible for. I asked my mum to buy me PJs and cloths but that's because we moved the same week I gave birth and didnt have a washing machine. No wonder I was stressed. At least I know what to when my daughter has a kid.

I lived in an area of the country some years ago where this sort of thing was quite common. The gm would take over whilst the dd would look on helplessly.

Does the sil have any sort of learning difficulties because it seems strange that when you have a crying new born. It isn't rocket science baby either needs a change or a feed and if you don't know what to do then you can google it. Or read the label.

I would be very worried that someone could not work this out.

LeighaJ I don’t know why MIL didn’t show her. Perhaps she thought it wasn’t her job (she’s a bit jobsworth like that!)

Oliversmum SIL is sort of slow but I really don’t think it’s learning difficulties, I think it’s laziness. Or as someone said learned helplessness. She’ll say she’s going to the shop for instance but never go, just sits there for hours saying she’s going! She’s early 20s and the baby (by a long way, 9 years) of DH’s family.

Yabu and mean to sil. Of course staff should have tried to assist a woman who had just given birth and who was struggling with the baby.

Does is suit MIL for SIL to be a bit ignorant and helpless? Does she get something from being the great rescuer, riding in to sort things out?

Unhelpful post natal ward staff with a 'wtf are you bothering me for' attitude and an assumption that because they know where everything is and what the procedures and policies on the ward are, you should too... I remember those well. Part of the reason I had home births with dc 2 and 3.

SIL should ask for help of she needs it, but the midwives should be keeping an eye out for unprepared and/or overwhelmed new mothers.

Maybe your MIL should have helped SIL get prepared!!
This

longlostpal RTFT! At no point has the OP said the staff should or shouldn’t help her SIL. Geez!

Horrified reading some of your experiences. I had a section in the morning. That evening before DH went home, the midwife came around and explained that I wasn't allowed out of bed. They would do any nappy changes and lift her in and out of her cot. It was very reassuring care for a first timer - it meant there was someone to check the latch at every feed. The second night I was on my own, but the midwife and support workers were still available when I needed it.

In an ideal world, yes the hospital staff should be doing all those things so your Sil can rest and they probably would in a private hospital. However with the nhs struggling and not enough staff it isn't going to happen. I do empathise though. I really struggled on the postnatal ward with my youngest 2 babies (Older ones I was discharged straight from labour ward a couple of hours after birth). I was on my own for 99% of the time, 4 days with 1 and 8 days with the other. I could have done with a hug and some tlc to be honest. It was horrible when most of the other women had visitors to bring them fresh water, carry their lunch tray, sterilize bottles etc when I had to do it by myself when moving really hurt.

Oh dear. Let's hope SIL cops on fast.

I have not said that SIL shouldn’t be getting help. My BU is whether MIL should be so furious with the hospital staff when SIL won’t ask for help and won’t help herself.

I think MIL is being unfair.

I understand those that are saying the nhs staff should be looking out for mothers that don’t know what they are doing, but if SIL won’t admit she needs help, how do they know?

This is a woman who didn’t tax her car because she “didn’t know how to”. SIL didn’t ask, didn’t google, she just got caught and then MIL raged about how unfair it was!

What has it got to do with you though? You obviously really dislike your ils, which is fairly par for the course on mn, and i’m sure you have your reasons, but, real talk, you’re not fooling anyone with this “I don’t like or dislike SIL“ nonsense.

This is a fairly flimsy excuse for an ils bashing thread. Are you hoping your sil will see it? She might be feckless/useless/whatever, i don’t know, but you sound downright spiteful, and i know which flaw is worse.

MissVanjie I’m the one getting the brunt of the rage. MIL has made it my business. Probably because I’m in the legal profession and MIL will eventually ask me if there is any chance of compensation.

Of course I will be “spiteful” and not help her!

I hadn't prepared because I was scared to invade I lost my twins (think I had perinatal depression)

The nurses were amazing, I was breastfeeding but they still showed me how to make a bottle in case and helped me latch my littlest on a couple of times

Also showed us how to bath and change nappies

Absolutely amazing

The nurses did help formula feed my little one as he needed top ups

Only 2 years ago

Learned helplessness etc aside, even someone with NO experience of babies would 'get' that a screaming/crying baby needs to be tended to, even if all they do is push the bell to call a nurse. Just to sit there doing nothing is more than learned helplessness. It's uncaring.

You know, I really don't remember what level of baby care 'lessons' there were when I had mine as I didn't really need them. I was lucky in that the first babies in my extended family started arriving when I was around 8 so I absorbed a lot and was pretty handy with baby care by the time I was 14.

But it's not the same as having your own, is it? The total responsibility can be overwhelming and that's where those close to you can offer help and support. Sounds to me as if SiL is totally unprepared emotionally as well as 'practically' and DMiL is just going to have to step up, for the good of the child.