IMBU (Is MIL being unreasonable?)

[follywalk]

SIL had her baby (unplanned pregnancy but wanted and the same number of months as many of us have to prepare) in hospital last week and MIL is furious with all the staff on the ward.

Her complaint? That “they” expected SIL to look after her DD but “SIL knows nothing about babies and no one showed her what to do”.

She says that DD was left crying until another woman on the ward told SIL that she was probably hungry and to feed her. From what I gather someone had shown SIL earlier in the day how to prepare a bottle etc. but then left her to it, SIL had “forgotten” what to do and thought someone would come and do it again.

There was another incident with a nappy but I haven’t had the full story. It sounds like someone snapped at SIL but again “poor SIL” didn’t know what to do and had to ring MIL who left work to come and sort things out.

SIL didn’t go to any classes, read any books or even ask for advice when in hospital. MIL says she “didn’t like to”.

It’s been a week and MIL is still mad telling everyone and anyone how bad the hospital was. She even angrier now than when DN was first born.

She’s being unreasonable isn’t she?

"She’ll say she’s going to the shop for instance but never go, just sits there for hours saying she’s going!"

I may have been known to do this! /misses point completely

I went to no classes when pregnant and had never really been around babies - the last baby I’d had experience with was my little brother 18 years earlier. I didn’t need telling that babies require feeding and changing, just common sense really.

Your MIL is BU. It’s the midwives and healthcare assistants jobs to deliver the baby and offer support - not to do everything for you.

You don't like SIL or MIL much do you OP? This thread is just one long slag off really. Well done

The ward staff did show sil how to make up a bottle. When her baby cried for a second feed, sil said she'd forgotten what they showed her and thought they'd make another one for her.

Mothers are expected to take some initiative. I'm not surprised someone pulled her up and reminded her to check her own child's nappy.

I'm the last one to shout "Special Needs" but this all sounds like sil has learning difficulties that mil has been in denial over her whole life.

She didn't realise she was pregnant for a few months? She failed all her exams at school? She can't understand how to Tax a car? She evades all responsibility? Has she ever held down a job?

I think it sounds worrying and she's going to need a lot of support, at least for the first few years. She cannot be encouraged to apply for a council flat and live on her own. She appears to lack basic life skills.

My babes were born "some" time ago :) & believe me nurses didn't feed or change babies then (except if you were bedfast from a complex delivery - for that evening or had just had a Caesarean) I am sure if she was insecure she could go and ask for help - but hey with disposable nappies changing & cleaning babies isn't that difficult! (they don't use terry square nappies in hospital nowadays do they? Don't you have to provide own?)

Honestly op i am eyerolling at you. You hate them. That’s fine, we can’t like everyone. You don’t have to talk to your mil on the phone, and if she does ask you for help getting compensation (a scenario, btw, which you have made up entirely) you can say no.

I don’t get what you’re asking? For someone in the ‘legal profession’ you sound a bit helpless and hopeless yourself - do you really not know how to handle daft wittery people who go on about stuff a bit?

Or is it more that you look down on them with their bottle feeding and unplanned pregnancies and social housing and all the rest of it, and just wanted a massive thread slating them?

YANBU - most of us come out of hospital with a new baby and several newly acquired skills - nappies, bottles, BFing - even how to dress them.....maybe your MIL is thinking back to the longer stays with babies but those days are over, and secondly, she's the most appropriate person to be helping your SIL

I wouldn't get too involved in what she's saying because if your SIL is as bad as she comes across, there will be a lot more to come!

yanbu, sounds like my SIL and MIL.

MIL kept constantly talking about the ‘terrible’ midwives and how they wouldn’t take DN for the first night she was born, so SIL could properly rest.

Even now she talks about SIL ‘traumatic’ child birth. It wasn’t. It was completely normal, no interventions or issues other than a delayed epeidursl. The anaesthetist took an hour to come Due to being in an emergency c section.

MissVanjie “a scenario btw which you have made up entirely”

Whoosh, there goes the sarcasm over your head!

You seem to know an awful lot about my ILs and me. Why didn’t you step in and help SIL when she needed it?

Yabu and mean to sil. Of course staff should have tried to assist a woman who had just given birth and who was struggling with the baby

But sil wasn't struggling she just thought it wasn't her problem

No-one showed me how to bathe DS when he was born, and it didn’t occur to me that anyone needed to. Baby, bath, sponge, no? Reading this thread I’ve become increasingly paranoid that perhaps I used to do it wrong? What did you all get shown?

I had mine 15 years ago by EMC so the midwife bathed him for me for a few days, and showed me his at the same time. Not sure if I’d had normal delivery whether that would have happened. Got support on breastfeeding only after about 2 days. Relied on family to bring food in as I couldn’t get to the room where meals were delivered to for a couple of days

BottleBeach lol! I remember being super confident at our nct class when picked on to change a nappy first because I have baby nieces so had done it before.

The first thing the instructor said to me as I took the nappy off the baby boy (doll) was that I had just been weed on! I didn’t know you had to keep the front covered or they just go for it! I was used to girls.

There are lots of tips and tricks we picked up. It’s not the same using a doll as a wriggling kicking live baby of course, but it did help.

Oh dear, poor baby. Did sil really not think that the baby might be hungry?

The nhs is massively overstretched as other posters have mentioned and unless someone asks for help then the midwives will probably assume everything is ok. Sounds like mil is assuming things are the same now as they were back in “her day” but they aren’t.

I had DS2 13 weeks ago and granted he was my second baby so I didn’t need to buzz every time he needed feeding or changing but a woman and her partner in the same bay as me, buzzed for help almost constantly for every little thing and it was a bit ridiculous. I then overheard her partner on the phone to relatives telling them how silly it was that the staff wanted them to stay in another night for observations

Has mil done an awful lot for sil her whole life? Sounds like she hasn’t helped her daughter develop some independence

Yes SIL is the baby of DH’s family and is babied. She works though, has had the same job since leaving school afaik, in the service industry.

One of DH’s aunts once said to me that DH “had the get up and go and he got up and went” (first one to go to uni in his family, moved miles away to work for the company he wanted to work for) and I think I know what she meant now. I think MIL is a bit of a smother mother!

Most of that education is given in antenatal classes today. There are also NUMEROUS books that SIL could have consulted. Frankly I am concerned about her ability to care for her baby. The nurses are there to attend to her medical needs, not give parenting classes.

I think the level of care and guidance you get varies massively in the NHS from hospital to hospital, and sometimes it is a bit of a postcode lottery.

For example, despite having done all the reading, antenatal classes etc, when I had my baby last year the midwives still insisted on showing us how to bathe her, how to change her nappy, tried everything they could to help me breastfeed (which wasn't a success but that's a different story), and were generally keen to offer advice. This was also on a closed ward where each lady had her own private room where their DHs could stay overnight, so there was a really strong feeling of support and help if we needed it. This was a NHS hospital.

However, I know ladies who went to a hospital less than 10 miles away from the one I went to which is also NHS, who had none of the above, were moved to an open ward shortly after giving birth, were not given anything other than the necessary care, and were basically left to 'get on with it'.

I don't think it's right that there is such a huge discrepancy between the level of support and care given despite the various reasons why that may be (huge staffing pressures, over-crowded wards, budget cuts etc), so I can understand why your MIL was frustrated at the lack of support at the hospital. However, it IS unreasonable that your SIL did no reading or research to prepare herself on how to look after her baby, especially as you mentioned in your original post that she knew of the pregnancy from the very start. You say she doesn't appear to have PND and this is typically of her normal behaviour, but it can be a very overwhelming experience and become a bit detached as a result. Your MIL might be on the rampage now but it's probably because she's being protective and over-compensating for her daughter, but with her families support, hopefully your SIL will pick up the basics and both she and her baby will be ok.

agnurse I have a bookcase of books but don’t want to incur the wrath of MIL by sending them. I truly believe SIL would never open one anyway.

Do you think the baby is at risk? SIL is at MIL’s who, probable old fashion parenting methods aside, has brought up several children of her own.

As I said up thread, SIL has talked about getting her own place but I think that would take ages if (big if) she ever got around to applying.

( Or am I wrong? Would they house SIL as a priority even though she has a home with her parents?)

Provided you are fit and well, if you can’t make a bottle and feed your baby, after a midwife showing you how to make a bottle of formula milk, it’s a social worker you need, not a midwife.
Sil clearly can’t cope. It would be lovely if midwives could sit with new mums, do a lot of hand holding, and help give baby a bottle . I’m sure the midwives would love that too.
But in the nhs they are rather busy trying to keep mums and babies alive through the dangerous process of childbirth.
You want waited on hand and foot, go to the Portland.
Your mil sounds nuts I agree with you completely.

I can absolutely guarantee that your SIL has learning difficulties. The outcome of this will be either her mother bringing up the child or foster care.

I’ve seen it time and time again.

Busybusybust Is it obvious then . I honestly always thought she was lazy and babied. What makes you think that?

When I had my first in Scotland I wasn't allowed to leave until I'd bathed a doll and then DD, completed a nappy and clothes change and fed her (breastfeeding) with no help latching on and potentially winding her. I was 26...from what I saw that was the norm on the maternity wing.

SIL does sound a bit 'challenged'
I'd worry about the baby's welfare, too.

combatbarbie They sound thorough!

My sister had to eat a meal before she was allowed home (same day as the birth of her first). That was the only requirement!