IMBU (Is MIL being unreasonable?)

[follywalk]

SIL had her baby (unplanned pregnancy but wanted and the same number of months as many of us have to prepare) in hospital last week and MIL is furious with all the staff on the ward.

Her complaint? That “they” expected SIL to look after her DD but “SIL knows nothing about babies and no one showed her what to do”.

She says that DD was left crying until another woman on the ward told SIL that she was probably hungry and to feed her. From what I gather someone had shown SIL earlier in the day how to prepare a bottle etc. but then left her to it, SIL had “forgotten” what to do and thought someone would come and do it again.

There was another incident with a nappy but I haven’t had the full story. It sounds like someone snapped at SIL but again “poor SIL” didn’t know what to do and had to ring MIL who left work to come and sort things out.

SIL didn’t go to any classes, read any books or even ask for advice when in hospital. MIL says she “didn’t like to”.

It’s been a week and MIL is still mad telling everyone and anyone how bad the hospital was. She even angrier now than when DN was first born.

She’s being unreasonable isn’t she?

SIL sounds helpless (learned helplessness because of MIL?) and MIL sounds like a busybody. A perfect match in some ways. I am sure MIL will practically run the show for SIL now which might work for them both.

Apart from money, we are in no position to help as we are hundreds of miles away. I could give lessons over Skype I suppose!

I don’t like or dislike SIL, but she is not my kind of person. I’m a doer, she’s not. Same with MIL. She’s a complainer, I’m not.

I’m going to leave DH to the phone calls now. I don’t want to listen to anymore nastiness.

Midwives aren't allowed to help with formula feeding

What? That can't possibly be true.

Had MiL always taken charge of SIL and aided with decision making?
Yes, having a baby is life changing but most parents to be try to get clued up as much as they can before the due date. Considering how to feed the baby, using cloth nappies or disposable nappies, holding the baby safely and supporting the neck. But most things you learn on the job.
Hospital wards aren't ideal for brand new parents so I can imagine she is very overwhelmed but it sounds like MIL expected it to be like a hotel or something?
Hopefully your SIL will crack on with parenting her way, learning as she goes and your MIL can let go of the past.

She is being over protective. Maternity services in the UK are massively over stretched. That said it's a shame there isn't more support for new mothers. My SiL had her baby in Germany and received really high quality help. She got to stay on the ward for up to a week with lots of people there to help and advise (everything from feeding, nappy changed,dressing baby). Then she could be visited every day by a midwife who would stay for an hour or more if you wanted and help give baby the first bath etc. Obviously this help was optional, I'm sure someone on their fourth baby isn't going to want someone showing them how to give it a bath etc.

If your SiL needs more support couldn't MiL help? Most new mums work it all out fine for themselves and just need a confidence boost though.

Has your MIL always been like this with SIL? It does sound a bit like she's undermining her too, the continued rage must be making SIL feel like she's useless.

Midwives aren't allowed to help with formula feeding
I think this is dependent on hospital policies. In our local hospital they aren't. But I know another one in another Trust has no problem helping with FF.

Your MIL might be being ridiculous, but on the other hand, she might have a point. I had dc1 in hospital and it was not a good experience at all, and the reason why I had my other two dcs at home. I appreciate that hospital staff can be very over-worked, but that sometimes means that patients don't receive an acceptable level of care.

I don't think it's reasonable to expect a first time mother to have received some basic support from the midwives / nurses in how to care for their new baby.

SIL lives with MIL at the moment but was talking about applying for a house when the baby came. I don’t know how social housing works but I presume there is a list and so when that will be when MIL has a three bedrooms council house for just her and FIL, I don’t know. I presume it will be a long time before SIL is on her own.

So yes, MIL will probably be running the show presumably with outdated advice.

I had my first DC in 1993 and was shown how to bath, change and breastfeed her by the hospital staff as part of the standard routine. I had zero experience of babies asked the midwife and antenatal class leader before the birth if they could tell me how to manage things, but they said it would be a waste of their time as baby brain would make me forget everything.

Your SIL obviously didn't bother with the classes so it's upto her to get her head on straight and deal with it.

Out midwives when we had our first in 2014 showed us how to bathe and change her and also showed me how to formula feed (which is now guidance and a right without prejudice) as issues with her tongue.

MIL is being protective - SIL is an idiot for not doing her classes.

I could have been your SIL with my 1st, I hadn't been around babies so didn't have a clue, hospital were woeful there were no courses available.
So i read books, i read the packets, i googled things. I didn't expect anyone else to tell me what i was doing with MY baby.

MIL should stop bitching and start helping. My mum was busy moaning about how bad it was but wasn't willing to help either, so i knew i was on my own. There has only been a short period of time where 'professionals' would help, before that women would help each other. Mothers, friends, neighbours would all help each other.

I do find the lack of care and help on communal wards in the UK appealing. Yes, of course, most of us get on with it, but it's a disgrace that women are left completely on their own, sent home within a few hours and left there without help. The ones who can drive can lug their baby to a "baby clinic" to check their weight, but that's pretty much it.

No wonder our rates of PND are so bad.

Whilst your SIL sounds useless, I can't completely disagree with your MIL. Things have gone downhill massively in the recent past. It's great to see Kate Middleton all pampered and healthy showing off her new born, but it's not real life for most of the tax payers.

I do remember when I had DD1 in 1996, I was on the ward after a horrendous labour and baby started crying. I buzzed the nurses and said: "The baby's crying." And the midwife looked at me like and said" "Yep, babies will do that."

She was nice though and told me what to do, feed/nappy change etc and I was ok after that.

I'd been to all the classes etc, read loads of books. Just panicked when the moment came....

I agree that SIL should have researched things beforehand - did she assume someone would step in and help so there was no need for her to know anything?

That said, I do think it's a sad state of affairs the way that first-time mums are completely left to it and expected to just 'know' how to look after a new born baby as though it's some innate female instinct.

I had my third child by caesarean last summer, in a seaside town known for being quite rundown. It was a very very positive experience except in terms of the recovery ward, which I shared with a drug-dealing mother-of-six who, in advance of a court hearing on the Monday (this was Saturday) kept asking for a private room until I wanted to scream at her: “They’re not going to give you a private room because you’re being observed, you dimwit!” She and her boyfriend had rows both nights I was in, one of which was about a fucking Dr Pepper and made her turn over a chair. They also set some sort of jungle drums alarm every night (she was bottle feeding) which they slept through, and treated the sink and bin area as being part of their cubicle p, giving everyone who used them shitty looks, and banged into my daughter’s cot all the bloody time as they walked round their extension. And yet, she was exponentially less irritating than the petulant twenty-something woman whose mother did everything for her and the baby and, when her mum left for an hour or so, would press the buzzer all the fucking time. She literally wouldn’t get out of bed the whole time I was there, and in the end the midwives and doctors lost patience with her, and lectured her about responsibilities and blood clots, etc, etc - so she phoned her husband (also a frequent visitor) and whined for an hour. I discharged myself against medical advice, in the end. Your SiL and MiL sound much the same, and I dint think you’re being U at all. (PS The druggie obviously really loved her little boy, and was pretty solicitous. She also borrowed some cleaning products and left her cubicle absolutely gleaming. I felt like a right grub, in comparison).

Midwife here. Midwives ARE allowed to help with formula feeding. It is total nonsense that hospitals wouldn't allow them to.

To be clear, where I think MIL is being unreasonable is her ranting about the hospital staff when SIL is doing nothing to help herself, not even asking for help.

Whether she’s not asking because she’s embarrassed or entitled I don’t know, but she has a baby now and she needs to pull her finger out whether she likes it or not.

I don’t think SIL is depressed. This is typical behaviour from her. DHsays when she was at school MIL got angry with the teachers because she didn’t pass any exams! She didn’t turn up half the time, how is that the teachers’ fault?!

Sil lives with Mil at the moment Right, then I see how this will work. Mil will pick up all the slack and defend her daughter's inadequacies by blaming everyone and anyone else.

The downside for sil is that mil will be in charge and she won't gain any confidence in sole parenting

I'm staggered that mil doesn't realise how times have changed.
In years gone by, mothers did stay on the maternity ward for a week or more being shown everything from feeding, bathing, changing and the babies would be taken away at night to a nursery so mothers could rest.
None of that is rocket science though. Sil could have armed herself with some basic knowledge before the birth.

The system is completely different these days. As are most of the guidelines for parents- for eg, sleeping on their backs, formula feeding, weaning etc. I hope mil will be able to move with the times.

It's great to see Kate Middleton all pampered and healthy showing off her new born, but it's not real life for most of the tax payers.

I'm not sure why you're bringing KM into this!

Your SIL sounds a bit useless tbh. Sorry I haven’t read the whole thread, how old is she?

Surely you don’t need to go to classes to know that if a baby cries they are either hungry or need changing? Surely you wouldn’t just leave your child crying whilst wondering ‘oh, I wonder why it’s making a noise?’.

I had dd1 when I was 21, had no expereance of babies (youngest child, never really been around babies), I didn’t go to classes but I knew when to feed and change my dd. The hospital discharged me 8 hours after giving birth and I felt as though I had been thrown in at the deep end but most of it is instinct and common sense?

because foreign press and magasines were gushing to see KM on her feet so quickly after the birth. They don't seem to realise that most women spend even less time in hospital in the UK, but have to go home when they really should be rested.

Going home to the palace is not an achievement, going home (not to a palace) is the reality for most mothers. It sounds unbelievable to foreign people, and medically wrong.

My Mum and MIl spend weeks in hospital with first birth - Mum not so long with subsequent children.

I was out next morning - all we had was a three hour sat morning NHS class main thing we learnt there was how to get to labour wards. Community MW were good where we were. That night on the ward stiff sore and very tired looking after a baby who wouldn't be put down and staff only around seemingly to shout at us all - wasn't much fun and very grim start to motherhood.

I know my Mum was horrified when DS FF from start they refused to give her anything to dry the milk up. MIL and Mum were staggered at the changes in advice since their time as well.

Having said that does seem there is a dynamic at play her SIL plays helpless and MIL blames everyone else for this. I doubt there is anything you can do to change this dynamic.

I didn't know what to do when I was pregnant, so I read baby books, articles, googled everything.

My mum was alive when my DS was born but she was an alcoholic (she subsequently died when DS was 5months old), so she could not give me advice nor would I have taken it from her.

When you don't know what to do, you teach yourself, and your mothering instincts click in.

SIL and MIL are being unreasonable

I see Hollow's point. The image portrayed by media of celebrity mothers looking polished and thin after childbirth is a far cry from reality where you're asked to leave hospital as soon as physically possible and you feel dazed, sore, wobbly and wondering if you'll ever poo again.

I can't help thinking What did Mil expect? The NHS is on its knees- hospitals understaffed, overcrowded and lacking in funds. It's not The Portland.