Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends, newborn

106 replies

cookiemonster18 · 27/05/2018 09:28

I have had a difficult relationship with one of my close friends for a couple of months while pregnant and now with my LO who is 2 months old.
This friend has always been high maintenance but lately I’m struggling to deal with her what with sleep deprivation and being a FTM.
I just wanted to gauge thoughts on boundaries, I mentioned something that had upset me (small issue) and then she bought up things that happened months ago. Clearly she’s been harbouring these things waiting for the perfect opportunity.
I’ve felt personally that, that was unfair and actually I have enough on my plate. Especially as one of those issues is that my partner came to my baby shower?
Am I being unreasonable to think it’s not fair for her to bring up these issues?
She said if I’m allowed to be upset then she is too. That’s fair, but can I expect a friend to bite her tounge?

OP posts:
Nixpix1 · 27/05/2018 09:33

U wanted to talk about ur issues with her and that's fine but she should be allowed to talk to you about issues she had with you too. A bit unfair if you can take up ur issues with her but she shouldn't take her issues up with you.

LawDegreeBarbie · 27/05/2018 09:36

YABU.

You brought up issues with her, she is entitled to do the same. You don't have the monopoly on feelings because you have a two month old.

SoyDora · 27/05/2018 09:38

That’s fair, but can I expect a friend to bite her tounge?

I don’t get this. So you’re allowed to bring up something that upsets you, but she should bite her tongue rather than tell her things that she’s upset about in return? Why? Because you’ve got a baby?

TidyDancer · 27/05/2018 09:39

If you're expecting her to bite her tongue, why didn't you? I don't understand why you think it's okay for you to bring stuff up but not her? You having a baby doesn't mean you get to make the rules.

As for whether either of you are being unreasonable, you haven't said what the issues are really so that's difficult to say. Regarding your partner at a baby shower though, why was he there?

YouAreNotImportant · 27/05/2018 09:39

Why should she bite her tongue when you're not?

Nikephorus · 27/05/2018 09:45

YABU because obviously she has the same rights. But given that you say she's high maintenance anyway you just need to let everything drop for your own sake because she's not going to just take it on the chin and realise that you're sleep-deprived and all, she's the wrong personality type. Chances are you could mention one tiny highly valid criticism and she'd have to outdo you in style even if it meant bringing something up from 10 years ago Wink It's not worth it.
(And you shouldn't have taken your OH to your baby shower!!)

InspMorse · 27/05/2018 09:45

You both need to 'bite your tongue'.

Original poster
cookiemonster18 · 27/05/2018 09:46

Thanks all.
I guess I just thought it was unfair to bring up a whole ton of past issues, many of which were addressed at the time when I was pregnant.
I felt bringing them up again and again was somewhat unnecessary.

OP posts:
Original poster
cookiemonster18 · 27/05/2018 09:47

Why is everyone so against bringing OH’s to baby showers lol? It’s his baby too 🤔

OP posts:
Popchyk · 27/05/2018 09:58

Presumably it was his friends who organised the baby shower for him? How many of his friends turned up to it?

Or was it your own friends who did it for you?

MaggieFS · 27/05/2018 10:00

Sounds like she had bitten her tongue but when you didn't do the same, she used the chance to bring things up.

And no, I've never heard of the dad going to a baby shower. DH and I have a lot of good friends we sometimes see together, or I just see the females. Either way we have a good time, but def a different dynamic with DHs present.

viques · 27/05/2018 10:02

Obviously friend has been holding back her thoughts out of consideration for your position in the world as First Mother to First Child, but since you brought up an issue she mistakenly thought it was Issue Bringing Up Day, so did.

Original poster
cookiemonster18 · 27/05/2018 10:02

Lol @popchyk are you ok hun?
The baby shower was in a pub funnily enough.
I’ve been to plenty of baby showers where the OH stayed, quietly in the background and really didn’t see it being an issue!

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 27/05/2018 10:05

How many of his friends turned up to it?

That's a good point!

Original poster
cookiemonster18 · 27/05/2018 10:06

I didn’t realise that issues can be recycled as soon as I take issue with my friend not wanting to visit my son. You’d do the same @viques ?!

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/05/2018 10:06

You say, OP, that your friend was 'waiting for the perfect time' to bring these things up... so presumably they're not being brought up 'again and again' as you claim?

Why should your friend say nothing and sit there and let you have your say and raise complaints about her?

Regarding your partner attending the baby shower, you seem very, very unaware of social norms and uncaring of other people's feelings. I don't think they'll be another shower arranged for you and I think you should apologise to your friend also.

LawDegreeBarbie · 27/05/2018 10:09

Its not the social norm for partners to stay at a baby shower. Yes, he's the father and very involved in your pregnancy but usually these are gendered things (rightly or wrongly) and your friends who organised it for you probably wanted to be with you and you alone to celebrate. I'm assuming it wasn't clarified before that he was coming along and staying?

Your newborn does not impact someone else's rights to have opinions too. You don't get to raise grievances without opening a dialogue with the other party to do the same.

GreenTulips · 27/05/2018 10:09

I've never Sen a partner at a baby shower and would be suprised if they did rock up!

Can he's mates not do one for him?

These are your friends and they tried to do something nice for you and you basically pissed on their chips.

So she's not into babies - that's OK! She doesn't want to be a mum friend she wants to be your friend - have you made time for her over the last few months

Original poster
cookiemonster18 · 27/05/2018 10:09

Why does it matter how many of his friends turned up? Men go to bridal dress fittings sometimes, not traditional but it happens. Why is the babies father not allowed to come to accept gifts?!
This is not the point of the original post but I’m struggling to see a real valid point?

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 27/05/2018 10:11

Because it's supposed to be a female activity! Arranged by girls for girls.

PoorYorick · 27/05/2018 10:11

It really, really depends on what these issues, on your side and hers, were. I know of course you'll say hers weren't major and were already sorted etc, but I'm sure she'd say differently.

I do get how difficult it is with a newborn but if you felt strong enough to have this conversation with her then I think she's got a right to her reply.

It's possible, of course, that one of you is completely in the right and the other is bang out of order, but without more detail it's impossible to say.

donquixotedelamancha · 27/05/2018 10:12

one of those issues is that my partner came to my baby shower

And you shouldn't have taken your OH to your baby shower!!

I’ve been to plenty of baby showers where the OH stayed, quietly in the background and really didn’t see it being an issue!

Our baby shower was organised by our friends, attended by our friends (of both sexes), for both of us. It's both our child, childcare is pretty equal- we both opened pressies and participated equally.

It's a bit weird to think that one parner can't attend or must stay in the background even if that isn't what the parents want.

Amatullah · 27/05/2018 10:14

I dont like baby showers but i think partners at baby showers is a very American thing. As is the whole concept of baby showers so yanbu there. But you should cleared this bfh
But yabu about her being able to bring up stuff

Dvg · 27/05/2018 10:14

Eh :S I would take my partner to my baby shower too :S ...

I take my partner to everything if he wants to go, baby related, wedding related, me related. We just like being together and sharing those times with each other PLUS its both of our baby.

LawDegreeBarbie · 27/05/2018 10:15

Its not an issue if everyone knows and agrees beforehand. I've been to baby showers where the DH was there along with some of his friends and had a great time. The issue is that your friends planned you a baby shower on the assumption it was just for you and then were surprised that DH was there and stayed without knowing about it beforehand.