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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends, newborn

106 replies

cookiemonster18 · 27/05/2018 09:28

I have had a difficult relationship with one of my close friends for a couple of months while pregnant and now with my LO who is 2 months old.
This friend has always been high maintenance but lately I’m struggling to deal with her what with sleep deprivation and being a FTM.
I just wanted to gauge thoughts on boundaries, I mentioned something that had upset me (small issue) and then she bought up things that happened months ago. Clearly she’s been harbouring these things waiting for the perfect opportunity.
I’ve felt personally that, that was unfair and actually I have enough on my plate. Especially as one of those issues is that my partner came to my baby shower?
Am I being unreasonable to think it’s not fair for her to bring up these issues?
She said if I’m allowed to be upset then she is too. That’s fair, but can I expect a friend to bite her tounge?

OP posts:
robotcartrainhat · 27/05/2018 12:20

Eh? Why cant fathers attend baby showers? Never heard that before. Mine was at mine. Only man there, but did the BBQ for everyone. Its his baby and his house too ffs what was I supposed to do kick him out for the day?... so odd.

OP I can see your point but I think you are being a little oversensitive which is understandable seeing as youve just had a baby. I dont think you can reasonably expect people not to get upset if you criticise them and then maybe express that by criticising you back. I think if you dont want that to occur you just need to avoid this person a bit for the time being until you are feeling better in yourself. Shes obviously quite a sensitive person generally but if shes your friend and you can normally deal with this and she has other qualities that you like... then just put it on the back burner for now until you have the emotional energy to deal with her.
You cant control other people but you can control your reaction to them. If you cant deal with her right now just avoid her for a bit util you can. This is not worth ruining a friendship over or escalating into a big argument.

GalwayWayfarer · 27/05/2018 12:21

Yes I’ve read the thread. Obviously the friend didn’t feel the issues had been resolved. She’s entitled to feel that.

In which case she should have had the decency to listen to OP's concerns and address those, and then bring up whatever issues she felt were unresolved at another time. What isn't fair is using those apparently unresolved issues to deflect criticism of herself. If they were still bothering her she should have raised them earlier, not held onto them until it was convenient because it deflected attention from her own problematic behaviour.

SweetieBaby · 27/05/2018 12:28

Maybe the friend sees her "issues" as reasons why she hasn't been to see you and your son? Is that why she brought them up in reply to you?

Without knowing what her gripes are it's very difficult to say whether you are being unreasonable.

Lacucuracha · 27/05/2018 12:29

My sister does this though, brings up things from years ago that I don't even remember to avoid discussing any grievance I have with her.

I just get up and leave. You can't argue with crazy.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/05/2018 12:32

Sounds like the two of you met up and during the course of your conversation you told her you were annoyed she’d not visited before or enough.

Why did you do that? She was there when you said it. She probably feels that having showed up it was a bit weird and narky to complain about it not being enough. Feeling attacked, she was then happy to tell you how pissed off she’s been with you. Having a baby doesn’t exempt you from hearing your friebds’ honest opinions of your own behaviour.

You say she’s high maintenance. Maybe she thinks you’re precious and was holding her tongue while you were heavily pregnant. When you started dishing it out she must have thought you were up to hearing her own grievances.

Bossbabysapprentice · 27/05/2018 12:34

If I organized and paid for a baby shower for my friend and she wanted her partner (the father of her unborn baby) there, I would be fine with it. After all, I would be throwing it for her not for me and what she wants would be important to me. If she didn't tell me in advance and just arrived with him, I wouldn't have a problem. It's really not that hard to be flexible.

Sparkletastic · 27/05/2018 12:42

Sounds like you should cool it on this friendship. Doesn't sound like either of you is really what the other needs at this point.

emmyrose2000 · 27/05/2018 12:45

then she bought up things that happened months ago. Clearly she’s been harbouring these things waiting for the perfect opportunity

Or, in the interests of friendship she wasn't going to bring them up at all, ever, but then you brought up what you perceived as a small issue, and she became upset and thought 'to hell with it', and mentioned it after all.

This is one time I'd be interested in hearing the other side of this.

crispysausagerolls · 27/05/2018 12:47

You are annoyed because your friend refers to herself as the baby's auntie? Really? 🙄🙄🙄

The baby shower thing is impossible to comment on without having the facts - sometimes it's appropriate for both sexes to be there, but sometimes if a girly shower has been thrown for you it's not appropriate to bring your OH. You wouldn't bring him to your hen do just because he's the groom?

Obviously she can bring stuff up that's still irritating her if your attitude during pregnancy made her feel like she couldn't resolve the issues. Having a baby doesn't make you immune from criticism.

happypoobum · 27/05/2018 12:48

OP, if I have understood this, you are unhappy that your friend hasn't seen enough of your DS, is that right?

Often friends are not nearly as interested in babies as one might expect, even if they lightly refer to themselves as Aunty Whatever. You do lose friends when you have a baby, some people just melt away, but you gain new friends.

JessicaJonesJacket · 27/05/2018 12:49

Having a baby doesn't make you exempt from criticism. So, if you don't have to 'bite your tongue' then neither does your friend.

specialsubject · 27/05/2018 12:54

are baby showers female only? I can't imagine a bloke wanting to attend such an event (lucky chap to have an out) but is this the rules?? And good luck enforcing them in a public space.

crunchymint · 27/05/2018 13:00

I thought baby showers were women only events. Anyone I have been to was. And largely the talk has been about being pregnant and giving birth - sharing stories in a supportive way. So yes I would have found it strange to have a male partner there as it would totally change what is discussed.
Some parts of the country, Auntie is a term used to describe any friend/neighbour who has an ongoing relationship with the child. I had lots of Aunties as a kid.
And after reading MN I would now think it is polite to stay away when someone has a new baby for the first few months. I wouldn't have before, but so many seem to complain about too many visitors early on.
I really think this is both of you, and I think you are being unfair on your friend.

LionAllMessy · 27/05/2018 13:00

I've never heard of a man at a baby shower tbh. I think having a man there would totally change the dynamic.
Were the guests invited to bring their partners as well??

The ones I've been to partners were invited too and it was similar to a birthday party but with presents for the unborn baby. They were nice.

But judging by how other people are describing them here, I'm starting to understand why mumsnetters seem to hate baby showers so much.

crunchymint · 27/05/2018 13:04

Maybe the baby showers I have been to are unique then? But they were basically women who had had kids, who were all getting together in a house for an afternoon. We ate, chatted and mainly talked about pregnancy, birth and having a new baby. It wasn't like an ordinary party. But much more a time to support the pregnant mother, share experiences and pass on tips. It would have been weird for a father to be there.

crunchymint · 27/05/2018 13:05

And that is what traditionally baby showers were. They were not another party.

VogueVVague · 27/05/2018 13:11

Whats the point in british people co-opting an imported tradition they dont understand?

Baby showers are for the woman and her friends.

Did you women attend your husbands stag too?

GalwayWayfarer · 27/05/2018 13:15

Whats the point in british people co-opting an imported tradition they dont understand?

You're acting like you think someone is going to die because the 'rules' of a baby shower aren't followed. Who says you can't have the event you want? What is the issue with having a non-traditional shower?

I just can't work out why anyone would have such strong feelings about this.

crunchymint · 27/05/2018 13:16

You can have a non traditional baby shower. But if you are going to invite male partners, then other guests should know that. That way they will know it is basically a party and not a traditional baby shower.

TheBogWitchIsBack · 27/05/2018 14:23

@LionAllMessy I've never been to one tbh because they seem a bit naff so I'm not sure if I'd enjoy one or not.
Sure a mix of both sexes would be a laugh but one bloke turning up with his partner would be awkward and imo it would change the dynamic.
I remember years ago being invited to a daft Ann summers party (not the same I know) but one girl took her bloke and it was just odd.

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 27/05/2018 14:28

I think you sound really, really defensive and self serving.

gamerchick · 27/05/2018 14:33

didn’t realise that issues can be recycled as soon as I take issue with my friend not wanting to visit my son

I think this is a time I would like to hear her side of it tbh. Your wording is very telling.

Also YABU for using the term FTM. Those of us who work are still FTMs. Again your wording is telling and makes me think you're a bit precious about the whole baby thing.

However sometimes friendships come to a natural end when we move to a different stage in life. Maybe it's time to move on.

crispysausagerolls · 27/05/2018 14:37

I thought FTM mother meant first time mother? Not full time mother?

gamerchick · 27/05/2018 14:40

Possibly, you're probably right.

DelphiniumBlue · 27/05/2018 14:46

I don't understand how it was an issue for her that your DH turned up to your baby shower? If it's what you wanted, why would it matter to her?
She sounds a pain, tbh. Complains because your baby shower wasn't what she expected! That is just so trivial, I wouldn't really want to be close friends with someone who could make an issue out of something so petty.

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