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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends, newborn

106 replies

cookiemonster18 · 27/05/2018 09:28

I have had a difficult relationship with one of my close friends for a couple of months while pregnant and now with my LO who is 2 months old.
This friend has always been high maintenance but lately I’m struggling to deal with her what with sleep deprivation and being a FTM.
I just wanted to gauge thoughts on boundaries, I mentioned something that had upset me (small issue) and then she bought up things that happened months ago. Clearly she’s been harbouring these things waiting for the perfect opportunity.
I’ve felt personally that, that was unfair and actually I have enough on my plate. Especially as one of those issues is that my partner came to my baby shower?
Am I being unreasonable to think it’s not fair for her to bring up these issues?
She said if I’m allowed to be upset then she is too. That’s fair, but can I expect a friend to bite her tounge?

OP posts:
DoJo · 27/05/2018 10:41

Not sure I'd be that happy about discussing leaking nipples and stitches and Kegel exercises with a friend's husband hanging around in the background. Each to their own, though...

An excellent argument in favour of men at baby showers IMO.

ALittleAubergine · 27/05/2018 10:46

Wow I never knew baby showers had such strict etiquette. I thought they were just a small celebration or gathering of friends with some presents in preparation for the baby.

Nikephorus · 27/05/2018 10:47

I couldn't imagine my friends talking about their births in detail, how much they bled afterwards, how long it was before they had sex again etc with a man present who wasn't their partner.
That's what goes on at baby showers?! Thank goodness I've never been invited to one. I always assumed it was just opening presents and discussing baby names.
For me a baby shower or any other gathering should only be attended by those invited. No invite, stay home. OP's friends will have arranged it for OP. If they arranged it for OP & her OH (and invited his friends or not) then fine, but you shouldn't take someone else along, and certainly not if it's a special event.

TacoLover · 27/05/2018 10:52

YABU for using the phrase FTM it's bloody annoying.

LionAllMessy · 27/05/2018 11:01

Partners and their friends have been at every baby shower I've been to. It's not just the woman's baby ffs.

NordicNobody · 27/05/2018 11:02

Ok I'll be honest, I've read the OP but only skim read the rest of the thread, so sorry if I've misinterpreted anything...

Issue 1: it seems to me that by "waiting for the perfect time to bring it up" you mean she's been holding complaints in reserve to throw in your face if you ever fell out. If that's what you mean then I bloody hate that as well. You wanted to raise an issue with her. If she had issues she wanted to raise as well she should have waited til you'd discussed your issue, then discussed her issue. You're both allowed to have issues you want to discuss, what's not on is sitting on something so that as soon as your friend says "I'm not happy about x" you can derail the conversation by saying "oh yeh, well I'm not happy about y!"

Issue 2: I had a high maintanence friend right after giving birth as well. You don't really say in what way your friend is high maintanence but mine basically wanted to phone me for hours and hours every single day to chat about guys she met on Tinder. I tried everything I could to limit calls, was very explicit about needing down time with newborn and asked her only to please message me first to see if I was free to chat, rather than leaving 1000 missed calls. She didn't get the hint, and ignored everything I said directly, so in the end I just stopped answering her calls or texts. Sounds cruel but when you've been so clear with someone about boundaries and they refuse to accept them then you just have to put yourself first.

Issue 3: not the point of your post but DP and I had a joint baby shower with both sets of friends there and it was a great day. I really don't see why anyone would be bothered. Besides which it's your baby shower so your choice and I think a guest complaining about it is weird. Fair enough if you'd tried to invite him to her baby shower or something, but who you invite to your own is your business.

LionAllMessy · 27/05/2018 11:02

And I've never noticed people sharing birth stories or kegel exercise tips either. Just like people don't spend birthday parties talking about their past birthdays.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/05/2018 11:04

I've never attended a baby shower but even I know that it's what a group of female friends do for their soon-to-be-a-mum friend.

If you're going to take your partners to an event that has been appropriated from the US then just tell people so - so that they can stay away if they want to. No drama.

GalwayWayfarer · 27/05/2018 11:09

That's what goes on at baby showers?! Thank goodness I've never been invited to one. I always assumed it was just opening presents and discussing baby names.

This was what the one I went to was like! Just nice chat about the baby's possible sex (she doesn't know), baby names etc., a couple of games, then cake and presents. I think it would have been in unbelievably poor taste for the guests to gleefully terrify a first time mother by sharing scary stories about difficult births and bleeding. If I ever have a baby shower, any woman who decides it's the right forum to start perversely showing off about perineal stitches or excessive bleeding will be getting short shrift from me (not that my friends would do so!).

TidyDancer · 27/05/2018 11:10

Men at baby showers is only okay if it's pre-agreed. Otherwise it's the equivalent of organising a girls night out and one of the girls bringing their boyfriend along. It changes the dynamic and the entire evening. OP did you ask if your boyfriend could come along? Or was he invited? If not, I can completely understand why this was an issue for your friend. Even asking for him to be invited is a bit of a stretch tbh.

Bossbabysapprentice · 27/05/2018 11:13

NordicNobody you are the voice of reason.

scrumples · 27/05/2018 11:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scrumples · 27/05/2018 11:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lndnmummy · 27/05/2018 11:24

It sounds like the friendship has run its course. You are not compatible at this point in your lives and have different attitude and priorities. Friendships should not be this hard work. Accept friends warts and all or just move on. All this drama with a newborn sounds unnecessary.

GreenTulips · 27/05/2018 11:27

but who you invite to your own is your business

Depends if OP organised it and paid for it.

Gifts are usually for the mother not baby - they come later when baby arrives.

Bossbabysapprentice · 27/05/2018 11:28

cookiemonster18
'I mentioned something that had upset me (small issue) and then she bought up things that happened months ago.'

If this thing you mentioned was a current issue and then instead of responding directly to this issue and having a conversation about it she trumps you with the yeah but I'm upset with you about all this past stuff, then I don't think yabu at all. That would be enough for me to say that I think we need a break. You need your energy for your newborn. This is, in my opinion, a really special time. And good friends are happy for you, supportive and understanding of boundaries. They don't dump old grievances on you especially when you have a newborn. If she was my friend I would probably dump her over this. But then I've gotten to an age where I don't want or put up with high maintenance friends Grin

TheBogWitchIsBack · 27/05/2018 11:34

I've never heard of a man at a baby shower tbh. I think having a man there would totally change the dynamic.
Were the guests invited to bring their partners as well??
Bit awkward.

8pinksnails · 27/05/2018 11:39

You sound hard work and very self centred to be honest, maybe you're just not coming across well here and you're nice in real life. But to go to your original point I don't think you can bring up an issue with a friend and then be annoyed when she points out some problems she has too. You sound a little like you consider yourself to be more important because you've been pregnant and had a baby 🤨

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 27/05/2018 11:55

She said if I’m allowed to be upset then she is too

She has a point. You said you wanted to "clear the air" and your friend clearly felt that the issues she brought up from some time ago weren't fully resolved. Clearing the air isn't about one person getting to vent their feelings while the other one bites their tongue.

SoyDora · 27/05/2018 12:02

I think you’re making yourself clear. You wanted to tell your friend that she’d upset you, without her being able to tell you ways in which she’d upset you.
Completely clear.

GalwayWayfarer · 27/05/2018 12:07

@SoyDora except that the issues her friend brought up were things which happened months ago and which has already been addressed - I guess you didn't read the previous posts?

A good friend doesn't respond to a friend raising an issue by dragging up old disputes that have already been resolved and re-airing those grievances. Don't you agree with that?

GreenTulips · 27/05/2018 12:13

Past events clearly haven't been resolved have they?

OP is self absorbed and friend is unhappy.

Lacucuracha · 27/05/2018 12:14

On the face of it, you seem unreasonable OP as it's not fair to expect someone to hold their tongue because you're pregnant.

However, it sounds like there's more to it so it would be goodnto know how the friend is high maintenance and what little issues did she bring up again, that were already discussed?

Bringing up your baby shower was a ridiculous thing do do. It was your baby shower and you were entitled to have whoever you wanted there. Unless the friend organised it for you.

LunaMay · 27/05/2018 12:15

Is your friend referring to herself as your babies 'aunt' to other's but not actually doing anything to show interest in the child? That would annoy me too if that's the case.

As for baby showers a few i have been to have had the father and some of his mates/brothers etc present usually doing their own thing while the women play daft games. No one had any issues with that.

I have never heard any horror stories or discussions about others bodies etc while at a baby shower and wouldn't want to! A few jokes thrown the mothers way 'oh wait until blah blah' but nothing serious or detailed.

Also all the baby showers i have been to have been about presents for the coming baby (clothes, toys, memento's, gadgets etc) with a few things for mum among them but most definitely more about what people think baby will need/enjoy.

SoyDora · 27/05/2018 12:15

GalwayWayfarer

Yes I’ve read the thread. Obviously the friend didn’t feel the issues had been resolved. She’s entitled to feel that.