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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends, newborn

106 replies

cookiemonster18 · 27/05/2018 09:28

I have had a difficult relationship with one of my close friends for a couple of months while pregnant and now with my LO who is 2 months old.
This friend has always been high maintenance but lately I’m struggling to deal with her what with sleep deprivation and being a FTM.
I just wanted to gauge thoughts on boundaries, I mentioned something that had upset me (small issue) and then she bought up things that happened months ago. Clearly she’s been harbouring these things waiting for the perfect opportunity.
I’ve felt personally that, that was unfair and actually I have enough on my plate. Especially as one of those issues is that my partner came to my baby shower?
Am I being unreasonable to think it’s not fair for her to bring up these issues?
She said if I’m allowed to be upset then she is too. That’s fair, but can I expect a friend to bite her tounge?

OP posts:
Original poster
cookiemonster18 · 27/05/2018 10:16

I don’t think I’ve been clear. My issue, that I took with my friend was small and was hoping to clear the air after this, i felt upset and voiced this. I suppose I didn’t then expect my friend to bring up things that she had already taken issue with me! That’s my point.

OP posts:
FrancisCrawford · 27/05/2018 10:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Darkstar4855 · 27/05/2018 10:18

YABU to raise issues with her and not expect her to raise them back.

If she doesn’t want to visit your son you should respect her choice. Lots of women don’t feel comfortable around babies for a whole variety of reasons.

However the whole baby shower thing is a bit bizarre - if it’s a party for you then surely you should be able to have your partner there if you want?

PoorYorick · 27/05/2018 10:18

I don’t think I’ve been clear. My issue, that I took with my friend was small and was hoping to clear the air after this, i felt upset and voiced this. I suppose I didn’t then expect my friend to bring up things that she had already taken issue with me! That’s my point.

This is so, so subjective and incomplete. It's just impossible to make any judgement without hearing your friend's side of it. At any rate, you may be a new mother but that doesn't give you carte blanche to criticise others without getting any in return. If you felt strong enough to have this conversation, it's not unreasonable to assume you're feeling strong enough to hear the other person's response.

The fact that YOU think her complaints aren't worthy of being discussed isn't really the point.

FrancisCrawford · 27/05/2018 10:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MidniteScribbler · 27/05/2018 10:19

A partner is not really supposed to be at the baby shower. It would be annoying to show up to a 'girly' day and have a partner hanging around. Smacks of someone who is either too insecure to be separated for a few hours, or someone who is overly controlling.

Tomboytown · 27/05/2018 10:21

Of course OH can come to baby shower.

Shmithecat · 27/05/2018 10:21

cookiemonster18

take issue with my friend not wanting to visit my son
There's your first mistake. Just because you think your baby is awesome, don't expect anyone else to. Why did you expect her to want to visit your son? Other people's babies can be dull as fuck the. And I say that as a mother to a ds who I think is awesome most of the time.

Original poster
cookiemonster18 · 27/05/2018 10:21

you wrote the rule book on baby showers?

OP posts:
Original poster
cookiemonster18 · 27/05/2018 10:22

Ok, so if my friend calls herself my babies auntie ?!

OP posts:
LavenderDoll · 27/05/2018 10:23

You can bring up what you want
Likewise she can bring up what she wants
As baby showers are usually organised by friends for the mum to be you should have checked with organisers before bringing your partner

MatildaTheCat · 27/05/2018 10:24

I take issue with my friend not wanting to visit my son. You’d do the same.

Actually this isn’t a small issue to you, is it? You are seriously upset that she isn’t showing enough adoration and interest in your baby and have called her on it. That places her in a really uncomfortable position because, sadly, other people’s babies are rarely very enthralling. Your very best friends and even then, mostly ones with families of their own will want to be popping round for baby chat but on the whole it just isn’t so interesting for other pals.

Doesn’t mean you aren’t friends any more or that she doesn’t like you but you do sound like hard work.

GalwayWayfarer · 27/05/2018 10:24

I think it's a bit tough for her to bring up issues now that bothered her months ago. That does smack of her harbouring resentment to me. If something bothers her she should raise it at the time, not months later when she's feeling defensive.

I also don't see why it's her or anyone's business if your OH was at your baby shower. I went to my first ever shower a couple of weeks ago and I found it really weird that there were no men there. It's the man's baby too! Why isn't he allowed to celebrate and receive the gifts etc? If I ever have one I would definitely involve my OH and his friends.

I can see why you're annoyed OP - she's entitled to let you know when something has upset her but it's shitty to do it months later in my view.

Bearhunter09 · 27/05/2018 10:24

Mmm.,, I think you have different expectations to your friend. You both seem on very different pages. Tbh it sounds like she’s been biting her tongue for months. Is being friends the healthiest thing for you both. Maybe dial back a bit

DialMforMordor · 27/05/2018 10:27

er, I thought part of the point of baby showers was so for the mothers present to offer practical advice as well as baby clothes and gifts and what-not? Not sure I'd be that happy about discussing leaking nipples and stitches and Kegel exercises with a friend's husband hanging around in the background. Each to their own, though...

GreenTulips · 27/05/2018 10:28

you wrote the rule book on baby showers?

Your friend was most put out and disappointed - she was probably looking forward to a girls afternoon and not have to share your attention with your partner.

If partners were allowed to attend did to let them know? Did you invite their partners, dad, uncles, BIL, grandads? Why just your partner?

Either it's females only or it isn't?

You losses her off and you won't acknowledge the facts 'his baby too' suggests her feelings don't matter.

Armi · 27/05/2018 10:29

I think you all need something else to think about.

Snowysky20009 · 27/05/2018 10:32

This is one of those posts:-

OP- am I being unreasonable
EVERYONE- yes
OP- But, but, but but........

boilerhouse2007 · 27/05/2018 10:33

Op, people are highly defensive, they see any rebuke as an attack and go on the defense rather than reflect or apologise.

What exactly did she do to you and what did you do that upset her? If what you did was already addressed then yes she shouldn't be digging it up again.

boilerhouse2007 · 27/05/2018 10:34

''This is one of those posts:-

OP- am I being unreasonable
EVERYONE- yes
OP- But, but, but but........''

Sounds like every post on aibu because people usually half listen to the op and go on a witch hunt.

GalwayWayfarer · 27/05/2018 10:34

er, I thought part of the point of baby showers was so for the mothers present to offer practical advice as well as baby clothes and gifts and what-not? Not sure I'd be that happy about discussing leaking nipples and stitches and Kegel exercises with a friend's husband hanging around in the background. Each to their own, though...

Each to their own indeed. I can't think of anything I would be less likely to enjoy than my friends banging on about kegels and stitches in front of my mother and other friends. No issue if a rundown of one hundred and one horrific things that might happen to your vagina is what other people want to discuss at their showers, but for me I'd be steering the event firmly in the direction of some nice cakes and civilised conversation...

Snowysky20009 · 27/05/2018 10:35

TBH- I've been to loads of baby showers (including my own) and I have never seen a man there.
I couldn't imagine my friends talking about their births in detail, how much they bled afterwards, how long it was before they had sex again etc with a man present who wasn't their partner.

Allaboutalex · 27/05/2018 10:36

I do that with rows until my dp pointed it out. So if someone said it’s annoying me you do this, I would nearly turn around and say well you do; and list off all my grievances. Which actually isn’t fair. So I agree it’s frustrating when you tell someone what’s bothering you and instead of listening they just throw things in your face.

But by the same measure don’t dish it out if you can’t take it.

As for the partner shower thing, I think a showers about the mum not the baby. So nothing to do with the partner unless they’re invited.

boilerhouse2007 · 27/05/2018 10:37

''Chances are you could mention one tiny highly valid criticism and she'd have to outdo you in style even if it meant bringing something up from 10 years ago wink It's not worth it.''

Nothing to do with high maintenance, sounds like typical behaviour.

LittleBearPad · 27/05/2018 10:38

Apart from the fact Snowy that not everyone thinks the OP is being unreasonable.