I don’t want him doing childcare

[Jellybaby75]

I have a 10 month old DS and planning childcare for my return to work (part time).

My DM keeps telling me I could use her DP for childcare. Theyve been together a while but I wouldn’t say I know him well.

I don’t really like him though. He’s not someone who you think “oh he’s nice and friendly. He’ll be really good with kids”.

He’s very quiet and has an arrogant feel to him.

My DM also tells me about him - like he’s quite controlling with money, he controlled his kids (now adults) with fear. They all have some kind of mental health issue now.

I’ve hinted at my mum numerous times that I’m not keen on anyone doing childcare who I don’t really know. However, she keeps bringing it up and volunteers him for babysitting when I have a KIT day or something.

I trust my mum but should I trust her opinion about him being “so great with your DS”.

Would you let someone you didn’t know very well look after your DC’s. It would save us £200 a month but I’m just not keen on him! My mum won’t let it go though!

You need to stop hinting and just tell her.

Fuck no. He sounds awful. Say no youre sorted for childcare, and then get sorted for childcare:

Stop talking to your mum about childcare, just say you have it sorted. I'd rather pay the £200 a month.

Just tell her no! You're not comfortable wioth it, the dc don;t know him well enough, you don't know him. Ask her to stop going on.

The fact that he controlled his own kids with fear would be the end of it for me. You might save £200 but at what cost?

You won't enjoy being back at work if you use him for childcare.
Have you looked at nurseries and childminders? Get on with that and get him registered.
I would also be a bit wary of having your dm babysit if she's so keen for her dp to do the childcare.

No. ‘Mum I’m not comfortable about this, please stop asking me.’

I wouldn't let anyone I wasn't 100% comfortable with be alone with my kids.
Even if he was your biological dad and had the traits you've mentioned I'd rather use a nursery, but especially without knowing him very well.
Imagine if he turned out to be the type of person to lose his temper with a child, and at that age DC is too young to say how it is going.
Just say to your mum 'we've already been over this, DC has nursery arranged for childcare' next time your mum brings it up and shut the conversation down.

Stop hinting - you're a mum now with your child to consider. You aren't a child under your mum's roof anymore so make your adult decisions and stick to them. Say no thank you - but be aware your mum may find other ways and occasions to leave her DP in sole charge of your child. It's clearly important to her and people can and do use subterfuge to 'quietly' get their own way.

Absolutely not- you and your child will get way more out of a proper child carer looking after him for £200 than some controlling arrogant man. It will just give you stress wondering what he’s doing. That alone is worth the £200 in my opinion.

Would you let someone you didn’t know very well look after your DC’s

No. I wouldn't.

YANBU to outright reject it. If you don't feel able to (you should feel able to, it's your DC after all) find another reason. For example with a childminder or nursery DC will socialise with more children, something like that.

No of course not.

He probably doesn't even want to. My mum loves volunteering family members for things without their knowledge and is very insistent, claiming that they'd love to help etc. It's just because she likes playing puppet master and having people owe her without her doing much - she thinks it's amusing to say she acts in a managerial capacity, but this means other people are significantly inconvenienced to make her look good.

So as he's being volunteered, not volunteering, I'd assume he has no particular wish to commit to being a regular free childcare provider for a toddler he isn't even related to.

Even if he does want to though, still say no. You don't know whether you can trust him and don't like him, but you don't even have to mention those things. Asking him to commit is too much - if he has other plans you wouldn't want to inconvenience him, blah, blah, blah. Regular unpaid childcare is a massive, massive favour and people often back our when they realise what a huge inconvenience it is, leaving the parents in the lurch. Just pay for childcare.

Nope, no way.
For the sake of only £200 too? Definitely not.

I find it a bit bizarre in one sentence you say he controlled people with fear and then you’re still not sure what to do for the sake of £200..? Um, no. This shouldn’t even be something you’re entertaining.

Absolutely no way, doesn't matter how much money you would save
You don't like him, you don't like what you hear about him and apparently he's messed up his own kids. Why do you feel the need not to tell your mother your reasons straight out, she's choosing to be with this man it doesn't mean you have to ignore your feelings.

Absolutely no way,not ever ever ever.

Hmmm, he is controlling and your mum keeps asking (has been asked to ask?) if he can do childcare. He is pretty much a stranger to you and one you don't like and know has helped fuck up his own kids.

You would have a better and safer bet just using the next person to pass you on the street.

Has he even offered? It looks to me like it's all your mum's bizarre idea.

Why are you hinting?

"Not sure if you remember mum but you told me he was controlling and ruled his own kids with fear so no I won't be using him as childcare, please stop bringing it up, I'm sure you mean well but it's getting awkward"

I'm usually willing to compromise or give a benefit of doubt, but NO, he sounds awful.

Goodness no. I told my own MIL we wouldn’t be using her for childcare- not because she’s not great, because she is- but because what about when she’s sick, wants to go on holiday or just fancies a day off? Family childcare wouldn’t work for us.

£200 a month is nothing compared to how important good childcare is

No. I wouldn't. And with very good reason.

IME, some people like to validate their relationships by encouraging more of a familial relationship that would otherwise exist.

Your mum is suggesting this because she likes the idea of it. Of being able to tell her friends/colleagues what a good man he is, what an integral part of the family he is; how much you all like him.

She is not suggesting it because it is in your or your child's best interests.

Why are you hinting and not saying "He terrorised his own kids. He isnt doing that to mine. Its not up for discussion."

Dont let him near your child alone ever. Its your job to protect your child not to consider anyone else's feelings in the matter.

OH HELL NO

He is not going to be doing childcare for you, OP. So just tell your mother straight out that the answer is no and that is the end of it.

Time to stop hinting at what you want - sadly women are socialised to think that outright saying what they want/how they feel is somehow rude and pushy, and what you should in fact do is hint/passively signal your discomfort/be vague and then just HOPE that the people around you pick up on it and decide to give you what you want.

It's madness and it leads to people (espec women) feeling totally helpless and like they just have to "go along" with whatever the people around them want.

Big girl pants on, OP. And you probably won't ever have to take them off from now on.

I’d say hell no, he’s not got a great recommendation from your mum being controlling and his children having mental health issues as a result I would presume, tell me what does your mum see in him? I’m surprised it wouldn’t make her uneasy to even recommend him.