I don’t want him doing childcare

[Jellybaby75]

I have a 10 month old DS and planning childcare for my return to work (part time).

My DM keeps telling me I could use her DP for childcare. Theyve been together a while but I wouldn’t say I know him well.

I don’t really like him though. He’s not someone who you think “oh he’s nice and friendly. He’ll be really good with kids”.

He’s very quiet and has an arrogant feel to him.

My DM also tells me about him - like he’s quite controlling with money, he controlled his kids (now adults) with fear. They all have some kind of mental health issue now.

I’ve hinted at my mum numerous times that I’m not keen on anyone doing childcare who I don’t really know. However, she keeps bringing it up and volunteers him for babysitting when I have a KIT day or something.

I trust my mum but should I trust her opinion about him being “so great with your DS”.

Would you let someone you didn’t know very well look after your DC’s. It would save us £200 a month but I’m just not keen on him! My mum won’t let it go though!

Yes I met his children. One of his daughters has a young child but has been diagnosed with depression and schizophrenia I think. Her daughter is living with her Grandma. As to why he doesn’t see his grand daughter, I don’t know. He doesn’t seem to make effort but then again, maybe his daughter restricts access.

I actually find this hard to believe OP _ you are seriously asking if you should leave your child with a man you don't like or trust? How can this even be a question for you?

Leave your child with a qualified childminder or in a nursery and not with your mother who can't be trusted either if she has such poor judgement.

Pay the extra money OP. Surely your child is worth more than risking their well-being. I wouldn't trust your mum not to leave your child alone with him- there are too many moments when it could happen.

I would find a way to pay the extra money and use professional childcare the whole time.

What happens if your mum's ill on the day she's meant to have your DC, or she has an appointment? She could just leave DP with your child, you wouldn't know. As your child gets older, if is inevitable that your mum will need to give some discipline, will her DP get involved?

He hasn't volunteered himself for a start. It's a big commitment to do childcare regularly, most of the weeks of the year, come rain or shine. It is hard to look after someone elses child, getting the right amount of discipline, dealing with accidents, occupying a child for 8 hours. That is why childminders and nursery staff are qualified and OFSTED inspected.

PIL looked after DD for several years. We had a huge chat about the commitment and made it clear they could pull out at any time but we needed notice. They all had a great time but it was clearly hard work for them especially as they got older. DD actually got more structure from the CM and in that way, the time with the CM was more productive from a development point of view.

You've got a gut instinct for a reason, if you don't like him then there's a reason for that. I would not spare his or your mum's feelings and risk your DS's happiness or safety.

I'm really sorry to tell you this but I think this man is abusing your mum, controlling her to get what he wants and I would be finding different childcare because you can't trust her because he has got her

One day a week amounts to £600, wow. I ought to get back in the childcare business.
Anyways, you cannot put a price on your child's well being. Always trust your gut and never leave your child with anybody who gets your spidey sense going.

It’s quite simple really. DO NOT leave your child with anyone you feel even slightly uncomfortable about. And tell your mum “no mum, thanks but we have seen some lovely nurseries with other children his age in, and it will be so good for him to socialise with kids his own age” and then just don’t discuss it further. You don’t need to. It’s YOUR child. If she continues after that just tell her that you’ve told her what your plans are and you’re deadset on them so it’s not up for discussion. Stand up for your child, it might seem hard now but you’ll be threatening 3 year olds for so much as LOOKING at your child wrong soon!! Or....maybe that’s just me....👀

Sorry OP but you are extremely naive if you think your mum won't leave your DS with this man when she is minding him. She may not even tell you. This insistence that he is grandad and going on about him minding your DS really rings alarm bells. I find it hard to believe that a man who isn't related to a young child would have such an interest if I'm honest. A lot of men who are related don't even have as much interest in young children.

DH has a family member, nothing has ever been said but something happened of which we cannot be fully aware and SS were involved and the family had to have some sort of counselling and he couldn't work with children although he has no restrictions on being around children so it isn't abuse related, but I wouldn't leave my children there as the whole thing is odd. Plus my Nan said he gives her a vibe and she is usually spot on about these things and I get a bit of weirdness from him too. Always trust your instincts.

Massive alarm bells. Why is he so keen to spend time with a child not related to him when he durst bother with his own gc? Would be a bit more understandable if he was a werthers original type grandpa but he's obviously not.

Just puts my spider senses on end. I'm sorry but I'd be reluctant to leave my dc with my dm with this as she probably leaves the child with him. Maybe it's innocent, but it's definitely odd.

Plus if you don't want your dc to call this man grandad then nip it in the bud now with your mum and tell her as before long your dc will be calling him that and it will be too late. Personally I wouldn't as it implies a level if trust your dc should have with him that may not be a good idea.

Yes, I need to get to the bottom of why he doesn’t see his own Granddaughter.

Also, I need to ask my mum if it’s him pushing the babysitting. Odd if so. But it could just be my mum trying to involve him in a happy aspect of her life, and he may not care at all.

Bedtime tea - 3 days a week is £600. I’m going to be paying £400 for two days, £600 if I don’t let my mum do one days based on her man.

OP - it doesn't really matter why he doesn't see his Granddaughter (and you are unlikely to find out the truth), but just trust your instincts. £600 is a lot of money, but worth it to be sure your DC is safe.

This is really creeping me out. Just use professional child care the whole time, rather than leave your DS with your Mum, as pps said if she's very forceful of the 'grandad' relationship how do you know she wouldn't just pop to an appointment and leave your DS with him??

Not worth the risk at all in my opinion. He sounds unhinged, your mum does a little too to be honest.

For £200 a month difference why on earth would you risk it? Obviously nursery is a painful cost but something doesn’t sound right and your mum has shown she has highly questionable judgement. The normal reaction to hearing that your partner has driven his children to mental health issues would not be to push him forward as a care giver for your grandchildren.

Even taking the best case scenario that he is a controlling (rather than anything more sinister) do you really think childcare at your mums is a good arrangement? Lots of people make family childcare work but it can a nightmare for others despite having loving grandparents. In your case you don’t have even a basic degree of certainty that you child would be safe.

Jellybaby75 or I see.

I don’t think I’d even leave him with mum in these circumstances:(