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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don’t want him doing childcare

116 replies

Jellybaby75 · 21/02/2018 09:36

I have a 10 month old DS and planning childcare for my return to work (part time).

My DM keeps telling me I could use her DP for childcare. Theyve been together a while but I wouldn’t say I know him well.

I don’t really like him though. He’s not someone who you think “oh he’s nice and friendly. He’ll be really good with kids”.

He’s very quiet and has an arrogant feel to him.

My DM also tells me about him - like he’s quite controlling with money, he controlled his kids (now adults) with fear. They all have some kind of mental health issue now.

I’ve hinted at my mum numerous times that I’m not keen on anyone doing childcare who I don’t really know. However, she keeps bringing it up and volunteers him for babysitting when I have a KIT day or something.

I trust my mum but should I trust her opinion about him being “so great with your DS”.

Would you let someone you didn’t know very well look after your DC’s. It would save us £200 a month but I’m just not keen on him! My mum won’t let it go though!

OP posts:
ChocolateChipMuffin2016 · 21/02/2018 10:14

No! Go with you instinct. My DS goes to a childminder, I saw 2 I liked, the one I preferred was around £100 more per month, I pay it happily because I trust her and think she offers him better care. I don't regret it for a second and I see it as money well spent.

As PP have said, just tell your mum you've sorted it and pay for care you can trust.

OuchLegoHurts · 21/02/2018 10:17

Absolutely 100% NOT!

brizzledrizzle · 21/02/2018 10:20

Absolutely no way would I use him for childcare. Go with your gut instinct.

Ellendegeneres · 21/02/2018 10:23

I’m sure I’ll get jumped on for this but I wonder if he’s actually putting pressure on your Mum to pressure you into him having your dc- for whatever reason. And that makes the hair on my neck stand on end.
There’s something not right about him, that much is certain.
So, just tell your mum as someone else said ‘Mum, you’ve told me privately what he’s like to you, what he’s been like to his own kids. There is no way in hell I’d be leaving my precious child with someone like that, so stop pushing’

Snowysky20009 · 21/02/2018 10:27

No way! And tell her why! You are a mum now!

ChasedByBees · 21/02/2018 10:29

My DM also tells me about him - like he’s quite controlling with money, he controlled his kids (now adults) with fear. They all have some kind of mental health issue now.

So she has literally told you this but still thinks he is a good choice for childcare? Have you pointed out that these two points are incompatible?

VandelayIndustries · 21/02/2018 10:33

I can’t understand why you didn’t just say ‘err, mum, you said he wasn’t a brilliant dad so why would you want him to look after the baby?’ Or why you would consider someone you aren’t that keen on looking after your child. I wouldn’t hire a dog walker I didn’t like never mind a child minder.

ExFury · 21/02/2018 10:41

My DM also tells me about him - like he’s quite controlling with money, he controlled his kids (now adults) with fear. They all have some kind of mental health issue now.

This, coupled with the constant asking would have me decline his offer, even if I'd briefly considered it.

Think about how much control a childcare provider can actually have over you - last minute "I can't do its", even simple running late. Alll affect your ability to get to work on time.

That's before you even get to discipline techniques and lunch/food plans.

And then the "so I'm good enough to be your unpaid babysitter, but not for x" when you want to go somewhere without them, or not let them take DC too.

This man controls your Mum and his kids, why would you even consider giving him any control over any part of your life?

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 21/02/2018 10:46

I wouldnt want someone who's parenting approach caused mental health issues in his own kids.

If he's like that with his own, what'll he be like to kids that are not his. And you'll never be able to function well at work if you keep worrying about your baby.

mommytoboo86 · 21/02/2018 10:49

No no no! Trust ur gut. My dad used 2 smack me wen I was younger (overly slap happy) and ruled me with fear. I told him if he ever smacked my DC we would be done. I trusted him with my DC wen I gave birth 2 my 4th and found out recently that he'd hit my eldest who had gone 2 cross the road without holding his hand (my eldest was 8 at the time and the road turned out to be the hospital car park). We aren't done (although we didn't speak for 8 months) but he's not allowed around my kids unsupervised anymore.
Get childcare and tell ur mum the truth
Xx

BastardGoDarkly · 21/02/2018 10:53

How can you even consider this? His own children all have MH issues, due to the way he treated them?!

I wouldn't care if it saved me thousands, I'd rather be skint.

Jenala · 21/02/2018 10:56

No. Definitely not.

If you're finding it hard to be direct say you want her DS to spend time with other children. You'll get that with a childminder or a nursery.

Then practice 'broken record' assertiveness. Every time she suggests it just say "it's a kind offer but no thank you" and say that every single time.

Do not be bullied into leaving your child with someone who don't know or trust. I would be wary of leaving him with your DM, I think she'd then leave him with your partner. It's weird they're so keen for him to look after him.

OhCalamity · 21/02/2018 11:04

Nope Nope Nope.

Tell her straight. "You've told me yourself he did a terrible job with his kids so no, Mother. Stop asking."

GreatWesternValkyrie · 21/02/2018 11:14

Sounds like he’s the one pushing for this through your mother (you mention he’s controlling?). Makes me wonder why he’s so keen?

I wouldn’t trust my mothers opinion if it was that someone who controls with fear would make an ideal career for a young child. Stop hinting and say no thank you.

GreatWesternValkyrie · 21/02/2018 11:15

*carer

selftitledalbum · 21/02/2018 11:17

He could be some kind of predator judging by your mums snippets of info.

Hortonlovesahoo · 21/02/2018 11:18

Another "absolutely not" from me. You need to trust the people that you're leaving your child with. If you don't trust him 100% then find someone else.

GnotherGnu · 21/02/2018 11:18

Does your mother acknowledge that he controlled his children through fear? All you need to do is to remind her of that fact and say that obviously you are not going to subject your children to that.

FleurDeLizzie · 21/02/2018 11:18

It's a no from me. Given the information you've provided I wouldn't even consider it.

Perendinate · 21/02/2018 11:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SoundofSilence · 21/02/2018 11:25

Absolutely not. Visit some proper childcare providers and it will be very clear where your DC would be happier. At DS2's nursery, the staff radiated warmth and it was obvious that the kids adored them and had a great time there.

It's really hard to hand your DC over when you first go back to work and you need to know that they are in the right place and feeling safe and loved to stand a chance. Someone who is reserved and who controlled his own children with fear is the opposite of the right choice.

Your baby's safety and happiness are paramount. You are very unlikely to make a successful return to work without being sure of them. You don't like him and don't feel he's the right choice. Trust your instincts.

Be really positive with your mum about the strengths of the provider you go with. e.g. "Don't worry, it's all sorted. We have an amazing nursery/childminder lined up. They have [great facilities/activities] and [x] other kids the same age. DC is going to have a fantastic time playing with the other children."

newcarsmell · 21/02/2018 11:25

No. Why do you even need to ask?

MrsZippyLake · 21/02/2018 11:29

Surely you're not actually considering using him as childcare? Just tell your mum you've already got childcare and then find some!

mumeeee · 21/02/2018 11:34

Do you know what you're Mum means about him controlling his Children with fear?
If it was really proper fear I mean angrily shouting at them or something.
Then definitely say no to your Mum

Inertia · 21/02/2018 11:41

Stop hinting, tell her no, organise proper childcare.