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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I don’t want him doing childcare

116 replies

Jellybaby75 · 21/02/2018 09:36

I have a 10 month old DS and planning childcare for my return to work (part time).

My DM keeps telling me I could use her DP for childcare. Theyve been together a while but I wouldn’t say I know him well.

I don’t really like him though. He’s not someone who you think “oh he’s nice and friendly. He’ll be really good with kids”.

He’s very quiet and has an arrogant feel to him.

My DM also tells me about him - like he’s quite controlling with money, he controlled his kids (now adults) with fear. They all have some kind of mental health issue now.

I’ve hinted at my mum numerous times that I’m not keen on anyone doing childcare who I don’t really know. However, she keeps bringing it up and volunteers him for babysitting when I have a KIT day or something.

I trust my mum but should I trust her opinion about him being “so great with your DS”.

Would you let someone you didn’t know very well look after your DC’s. It would save us £200 a month but I’m just not keen on him! My mum won’t let it go though!

OP posts:

CuboidalSlipshoddy · 21/02/2018 11:42

My mum won’t let it go though!

Tell her No. If she won't take no, stop seeing her until she sees sense. She's got a controlling and by the sounds of it abusive partner. That's a shame for her, but it's not your problem and it's not your child's problem unless you choose to make it so. The "I wish my mother were still alive to abuse me" crowd are mercifully absent from this thread, so it's safe to say: "you are not responsible for your mother's happiness, and if she won't see that, cut her off until she does".

BarbarianMum · 21/02/2018 11:45

Why would he even want to provide free childcare for you though? Do you think the suggestion is coming from him? I'm generally quite relaxed but I would find that deey fucking suspicious.

Harebellmeadow · 21/02/2018 11:46

Please don’t leave your child with this man if you have a funny feeling about it. Trust your instincts and do not let them be overridden, not to placate family nor to save money.

BedtimeTea · 21/02/2018 11:50

I'd say "No thanks, dp & I have our own ideas of what sort of nanny or place we choose, and it will be as close to Mary Poppins as possible.

VimFuego101 · 21/02/2018 11:51

As other posters have said - is he the one pushing your mum to convince you to do this?

Trinity66 · 21/02/2018 11:53

Your mother said this about him but still thinks he would be great with her grand child? Really?

My DM also tells me about him - like he’s quite controlling with money, he controlled his kids (now adults) with fear. They all have some kind of mental health issue now.

beingsunny · 21/02/2018 11:54

Go with your instincts

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 21/02/2018 11:59

Absolutely not....

'He controlled his kids with fear'....

Why would you want your precious kids anywhere near him?

I would arrange your professional childcare and then just mildly tell your mum when she asks again...
No we're fine it's all sorted...

IF she keeps going... Trust your instincts... He's definitely a bad choice... And may be a really worrying one..

Jackiebrambles · 21/02/2018 12:00

I'm shocked you would have to even ask this. Good god.

NO!

Always trust your gut when it comes to your kid. Your gut is your subconcious warning you about something. Don't ignore it!

Big girl pants on and sort your childcare yourself.

Topseyt · 21/02/2018 12:09

NO!!!

Bloody hell! Just tell her no and tell her why. Add that it is not up for discussion and stick to that.

She needs to wind her neck in. Your child, your decision. Go with your instincts.

Probably best to stop discussing your up and coming childcare needs with her. You are not comfortable with him. End of story.

Chewbecca · 21/02/2018 12:09

Stop hinting, just say no, briefly explain why & tell her you don't want to discuss it again.

Adoodoobydoo · 21/02/2018 12:10

After what your mother has told you about him being controlling, I would question whether this idea and the fact that she won't let up on it, are actually coming from him.

Obviously I don't know any of you but my gut instinct is to not let him look after your DC. Be firm with your mother and say no. Or sidestep the issue by sorting out your childcare now and telling her you have already done it.

noenergy · 21/02/2018 12:11

Sounds quite suss, maybe he is pressuring her. Just say u want your child to mix with other kids at nursery.

Def don't go with it esp for the sake of £200.

Gemini69 · 21/02/2018 12:18

he wants the Money or she wants to Money.. either way they sounds very calculating and a bit twisted...

Stop being NICE... and think about your Child FFS

NO ... the end

expatinscotland · 21/02/2018 12:20

Can't see why you can't just tell her and stop hinting. 'I'm using registered childcare so stop asking.' 'Why?' 'Because I want to.'

CoffeeOrSleep · 21/02/2018 12:39

I'd go with bluntness with your mother, something like "Mum, you told me he controlled his kids with fear and bullied them. Unless you've been lying about him, then he's the last person I'd leave my child with, he's completely unfit to care for a dog, let alone a child from what you've told me. Don't suggest it again, or I'll tell him to his face what you've said about him and why I think he'd therefore be the worse sort of person to leave my child with."

If she says he's not that bad, just keep saying you aren't prepared to take the risk to leave your DS with someone 'dangerous'.

If she wants to live with someone like that, that's her business, she can't force you to lower your standards. To me it sounds like he wants to extend his control over her to you and your DS, making you dependant on him, so you/your DM will do what he wants to stop him refusing to care for DS.

Original poster

Jellybaby75 · 21/02/2018 12:55

Yeah it’s not just the main childcare when I go back to work. I think she’s got the hint on that. It’s the times at the moment when I need someone and struggle as he’s not in a nursery yet. She keeps on suggesting her DP and it’s awkward - I make excuses why her DP can’t babysit like oh, x better do it instead as he struggles to nap with anyone else.

He hasn’t actually asked my directly but apparently he loves being referred to as grandad and would love to babysit - according to my mum.

I will just do what some of you have suggested and say based on what she has told me herself, I’m not confortable with it.

OP posts:

Shadow1986 · 21/02/2018 12:59

No way. Would never leave my children with anyone I wasn’t 100% happy with even if it did save me money.
Just say you don’t want to put it on him, but you appreciate the offer.

retirednow · 21/02/2018 13:00

Why cant your mum babysit instead, is he their grandad anyway. I'd say no thanks, we've got it sorted, he could visit but that's,it.

rainbowruthie · 21/02/2018 13:01

That would be nope, no, never

MyBrilliantDisguise · 21/02/2018 13:01

It doesn't sound as though he loved looking after his own children - why on earth would he want to look after yours?

Frankly, you'd be mad to even continue the conversation with her about this.

Original poster

Jellybaby75 · 21/02/2018 13:03

You are all right. I need to go with my gut and tell her that if everything she says about him is true, I don’t want him looking after my DC.

She is looking after him one day a week and he will be there sometimes unavoidably. I don’t really have an issue with that as my mum would never stand for anything - and if I thought he was off/ arguing around my DC I would stop my Mum looking after him too.

I might have a word with her and say I never want him left alone with her DP. She’s quite pro get him involved and be ‘grandad’.

OP posts:

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 21/02/2018 13:07

Also what people are skating around....

Is he a potential child abuser....

Just don't risk your kids's safety!

flobella · 21/02/2018 13:21

I wouldn't use him in a million years.

Just find a nice nursery or childminder and if your mum asks why you chose that path, just say that you felt your child is the type who needs to be around other children and the structure of a typical nursery school day etc rather than just being with one adult all day so you think this is the best option for your particular child. You could make up some nonsense about being able to sense that he is craving more stimulation that just the company of one adult all day (i.e., you) and that led you to thinking about more of a mixed daycare setting.

If she questions it, just say that you have already paid the deposit and reserved the place so there's no going back now and that she will need to trust your judgement on what is best for your baby.

I also think that if you are going to return to work and have to be parted from your baby all day then at least be happy in the knowledge that they are cared for by professionals and will have tonnes of stimulating activities that are usually provided by nurseries etc. I found it hard to leave my little boy when I went back to work but he has thrived on it, has made fantastic friends, has taken part in all sorts of things that I just wouldn't have been able to do with him and the staff have also given me some great advice as the years have gone by.

I can't imagine how awful it would have been to walk out the door every morning knowing that my child would be stuck with one miserable, arrogant man who wasn't even working in a childcare field. I would be rushing to get back each day and it would have added a lot of stress that I just don't have with a nursery setting.

You'd be insane to consider this man as a worthwhile childcare option, regardless of any financial saving.

Hissy · 21/02/2018 13:24

He is not their grandad, he is a shouty and piss poor parent, he is controlling

TELL your mum that he is not going to be looking after your DC, not now, not ever,

it's best if you get childcare in place for everything

You have instincts for a reason

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