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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don’t want him doing childcare

116 replies

Jellybaby75 · 21/02/2018 09:36

I have a 10 month old DS and planning childcare for my return to work (part time).

My DM keeps telling me I could use her DP for childcare. Theyve been together a while but I wouldn’t say I know him well.

I don’t really like him though. He’s not someone who you think “oh he’s nice and friendly. He’ll be really good with kids”.

He’s very quiet and has an arrogant feel to him.

My DM also tells me about him - like he’s quite controlling with money, he controlled his kids (now adults) with fear. They all have some kind of mental health issue now.

I’ve hinted at my mum numerous times that I’m not keen on anyone doing childcare who I don’t really know. However, she keeps bringing it up and volunteers him for babysitting when I have a KIT day or something.

I trust my mum but should I trust her opinion about him being “so great with your DS”.

Would you let someone you didn’t know very well look after your DC’s. It would save us £200 a month but I’m just not keen on him! My mum won’t let it go though!

OP posts:
TaliZorahVasNormandy · 21/02/2018 13:25

Why is she so keen for him to be grandad?

My DM's partner has been in my DD's life since the moment she was born and she's nearly 11, she still calls him by his first name. Same with my sister's kids one who he 19 and has too know him since he was a baby.

Motoko · 21/02/2018 13:25

Also what people are skating around....

Is he a potential child abuser....

Just don't risk your kids's safety!

That was my thought too. Also, I'd be very wary about letting your mum babysit, because she's been so insistent on letting him babysit, I'd be worried that she would leave your child alone with him "Just to pop to the toilet" "Just to pop to the shop for 5 minutes" etc, even if you have told her not to.

ExFury · 21/02/2018 13:29

She is looking after him one day a week and he will be there sometimes unavoidably. I don’t really have an issue with that as my mum would never stand for anything - and if I thought he was off/ arguing around my DC I would stop my Mum looking after him too.

I'd be really wary of that set up. Especially as you've said that your mother finds him controlling.

Your Mum thinks he is great with your child and should be his Grandad, yet she also says he was so controlling with his children they all have resultant mental health issues. That doesn't suggest she has the best judgement when it comes to him.

retirednow · 21/02/2018 13:32

I don't understand why your mum thinks this is a good idea, it's not about him wanting to play grandad, it's about your children's safety.

ShuttyTown · 21/02/2018 13:32

I'm sorry OP but I don't know what on earth you are thinking even letting your DM have your child when this man will be there. She'll not be in the room 100% of the time so he'll have access to your child alone. You need to step up and look out for your child's safety rather than worrying about hurting your DM's feelings

Wallywobbles · 21/02/2018 13:40

I'd be aware that this is very very very likely to happen by stealth. By exMil did even when her DH was under going an investigation for child sexual assault on my kids. While I am sure he was blameless for that it was still fucking stupid of her. She needed to prove to him that she trusted him and couldn't see that she was putting him (and us all) at risk from the person who made the original accusations.

Gemini69 · 21/02/2018 14:11

here's the oddity....... Hmm

why is your Mum pushing for this man to care for your child.. just WHY ?

Original poster
Jellybaby75 · 21/02/2018 14:14

You all have me a bit worried now. As my DM is very keen on getting him involved, would she leave my DC with him when she has him one day a week?

Apparently when they’ve visited us the past few times, it’s been his idea. Does anyone find this odd? I mean, I don’t have a relationship with him at all. Why’s he so bothered about my DC when he has his own grand daughter, who he makes no effort with.

OP posts:
WildWindsBlowing · 21/02/2018 14:15

No, no no don't use him!
Trust your instincts.

Original poster
Jellybaby75 · 21/02/2018 14:18

I don’t know why she’s so into getting him involved. I just assumed it was her trying to make him feel part of the family...I actually don’t know?? I have never actually referred to him as grandad to his face. My mum always says to my DS “would you like to go to grandad” word grandad being exaggerated. It actually annoys me. I don’t particularly like him and don’t give one shit whether he has a relationship with my DC.

I guess I wanted to get out of this post, how to deal with my mum always suggesting he look after him.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 21/02/2018 14:22

Really, really odd. You need to think very carefully before letting him have any access to your son, including via your mum.

What do you know about this man, other than what your mum's told you. Have you ever spoken to his kids? Does he really have no interest in his gd - or do you think it's possible that he's allowed no contact with her? Do any of his children allow him unsupervised contact with their children?

ExFury · 21/02/2018 14:25

Why’s he so bothered about my DC when he has his own grand daughter, who he makes no effort with.

Does he not bother or is he not allowed?

Why is your Mum so keen to have him involved? Is it because she thinks he'll have some huge benefit to your child's life or is she trying please him (or prove to him that she believes him)?

ExFury · 21/02/2018 14:27

Just leaving this here in case it is of interest to you OP...

The Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme (DVDS) is often called ‘Clare’s Law’ after the landmark case that led to it. Clare’s Law gives any member of the public the right to ask the police if their partner may pose a risk to them. Under Clare’s Law, a member of the public can also make enquiries into the partner of a close friend or family member.

Trinity66 · 21/02/2018 14:29

I would tell her to stop telling your kids to call him granddad as well that's odd. My DM is remarried since my kids were very young and he's a lovely man but kids call him by his first name

Kitsharrington · 21/02/2018 14:31

Why are you hinting about it? Just say no, FGS.

Original poster
Jellybaby75 · 21/02/2018 14:32

It’s definately to please him. I could see no possible way he would have a positive effect on my DCs life. Only negative based on what I know about him.

I thought it was maybe that my mum is so excited and happy to have a grandson, she wants to share that with her DP and thinks it would give him joy too.

OP posts:
OutyMcOutface · 21/02/2018 14:33

My in laws kept hinting that myFIL would be 'good withchildren', I eventually lost my patience and said 'no actually, he used to beat his, I am certainly not leaving him alone with mine' and the hints stopped.

mygorgeousmilo · 21/02/2018 14:36

Reading your updates has given me the creeps. Sounds very odd indeed. I’d be saying in no uncertain terms should he be alike with your child. It’s not worth it no matter how much you are saving. It’s only for a few years until DC is at school and these astronomical childcare fees will be a thing if the past. Bite the gullet and it for proper care, even if it makes you skint, sorry if that sounds deluded, obviously I don’t know your financial situation. But no amount of savings would let me leave my child with this man, and your mum sounds deluded and susceptible to his manipulation.

Forgeteverythingandremember · 21/02/2018 14:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadRainbow · 21/02/2018 14:38

I am also a I bit concerned. As PP have suggested, there is no way to keep your eye on a child 24/7 and there are bound to be moments when you DM is going to leave DS for 5 mins here and there.

Considering this man has nothing to do with his own GC and controlled his kids with fear why on earth is he so keen to have yours? I suppose it's possible his own DC dont want him near his own GC possibly through spite or possibly through hus own making and is trying to overcompensate with yours. However considering that's best case scenario I'd worry about that alone. Worst case scenario is he's fussed about your DC because he's a boy and that's a scary thought.

Original poster
Jellybaby75 · 21/02/2018 14:42

Next time my mum volunteers him for babysitting, I am going to use the opportunity to tell her outright that I don’t want him looking after my DC, my reasons being what she has told me about him herself. Also that when I go back to work, the one day she has him, she will be looking after him, not her DP.

She probably will be a bit upset, but it’s what she’s told me in the first place that’s the problem, plus I’ve never had a good feeling about him.

If I lose her for childcare though, that’s £600 a month nursery fees 😬😬😬

OP posts:
CousinKrispy · 21/02/2018 14:52

Childcare costs are really hard, I know.

I share the same concerns of many others here. If (god forbid) the man is some sort of predator, he will manipulate your mum to get time alone with your child even if you have warned her that you want only her looking after the child--and even if she has agreed to that. So that "just 5 minutes to pop to the shops to pick up something for DP" is his window of opportunity.

Hopefully I'm way off base there. But just be aware that even if you talk with DM about it, if she is blinkered by this guy she may be unwilling to see what he's up to.

AcrossthePond55 · 21/02/2018 14:56

I absolutely agree that you need to tell your mum that he is not sitting DS and that she is not to leave him alone with him. But do be prepared to lose her as childcare. I'd start enquiries into alternative care before I spoke to her.

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

Withhindsight · 21/02/2018 15:03

Trust your instincts and while on internet now, look up how to find out about him via Claire's Law- that should give you real help ( assuming he is going by real name etc). If he harmed your child - money doesn't even come into it. Whatever the enquiry shows up, still avoid him, for the way he treated his own kids that your mum disclosed. You've got to say to her" I'm not having him treat my child the way you say he treated his" end of

ExFury · 21/02/2018 15:15

Also that when I go back to work, the one day she has him, she will be looking after him, not her DP.

Is she looking after him in your house or hers? If its at hers you will have absolutely no control over her, or your child's care.

At yours you'll have very little, but at their house he will have unsupervised access, it's pretty much guaranteed.

Please consider the Clare's Law check even before you speak to your Mum. Even if you don't intend either of them to look after your child. It's not infallable, but this man and your mother are ringing a lot of alarm bells.

Do you know his children at all? Do you ever speak to them?

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