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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel so let down by DP!?

101 replies

Divaroses26 · 10/02/2018 12:24

I’ll try not to drip feed, so here goes....

DP and I have been together a while, in a very happy secure stable relationship - no problems either side im aware of...but....

Today DP has decided to go and visit his biological father and his partner around 150 miles away from us. DFils wife has been diagnosed with terminal cancer - 12 months to live. Awfully sad.

Now, DP very briefly lived with DFil & Wife for around a year, he also had a relationship with a local girl around that time which ended rather sourly, however DFil and his wife have remained in contact and friends with the said girl despite all the problems she has caused DP & I since we got together. (That’s a whole other story tho so won’t go into detail!) Anyhow, DP has gone to visit today in our car (which we share!) and not even asked if I would like to join him! He knows I had issues around this as I’m fearful he will bump into his ex and ultimately bring things to the surface again, as well as this, they’ve decided to go out to watch the rugby. Now to me, that’s not visiting someone who is terminally ill, that’s going on a fuckin jolly!

I asked DP to get the train so I wouldn’t be stuck at home as I’m car-less and he refused!!
Whose being unreasonable here? Him or I? Was it wrong of me to expect an invite? Xx

OP posts:
YellowMakesMeSmile · 10/02/2018 12:45

You.

If you can't trust him to go alone then your relationship has some serious issues.

Should they never do anything nice now since the diagnosis?

WTFIsThisVirus · 10/02/2018 12:49

It sounds like you're the one being unreasonable. He can't trust you to go and not make a scene.

My FIL was terminally ill for a really long time before he died. He and his wife still left the house and even had the odd night out. Being terminally ill does not mean everyone should stay in and hover over the"deathbed"

skittycat · 10/02/2018 12:50

Yabu. You clearly don’t trust him. Sure it would have been nice to be invited but he may just want some time alone with his relatives. Doesn’t mean there’s anything suspicious going on.

What do you think he should do when visiting a terminally ill relative? Just stay inside with them?

Justmuddlingalong · 10/02/2018 12:52

Can you explain what your DP has done to 'let you down?'

Trashboat · 10/02/2018 12:52

Yabu.

If you don't trust him to go the rugby with his dad, then you have bigger fish to fry.

Do you think his stepmum should be bedridden and all sat round contemplating her fate?

BigHoof · 10/02/2018 12:53

Ok, OP, I don't want to make you feel worse but I do think you are being a bit U. My DH doesn't know his biological DDad but if he wanted to go and see him I would understand if he wanted to do it alone. Also, if his DD's wife was terminally ill, I would totally understand that they wanted to do fun things, not sit around moping. Even if your DP and his DD to the rugby just the two of them, it might be because his DD is caring for her/struggling with the fact she is dying and needs to get out and switch off. Totally understandable!

I think YABVU about the ex! He's been with you for a while in a happy relationship and she really hurt him! Why would he want to get back with her?! And anyway, even if he did, he could send her a message or call her - I don't see why bumping into her would change things. If you happened to be there too, how would that stop him having feelings for her if you did bump into her? If you trust him, there is no reason for you to feel worried.

Queuejumper · 10/02/2018 12:53

Is there a reason you can't go out without the car? I'm not sure why bumping into the ex would be an issue?

I understand why you would want to go out with them. But equally yabu for being fuming, resenting him having a 'jolly' and talking about being stuck at home. Could you use public transport?

This all sounds very OTT in the absence of any back story.

upsideup · 10/02/2018 12:53

Sorry I would think you are the one being unreasonable OP, I dont really understand what you think hes done wrong?

DearMrDilkington · 10/02/2018 12:55

You sound awful. Why are you trying to make an incredibly difficult time even more difficult and all about you?

Chathamhouserules · 10/02/2018 12:56

Maybe he's thinking his dad could do with some time to de-stress and maybe get a chance to talk before/after the game. His dad is also going through a rough time. He might appreciate having a chat with his son. Yabu.

timeisnotaline · 10/02/2018 12:56

It might have been nice for him to reassure you about ex but otherwise you are being downright nasty! I’m sure watching rugby with happy family is high on the list of things to do in your last year of life (if you like rugby) and it’s exactly what they should be doing. And if fils wife isn’t going it’s still exactly what he should be doing - time with his dad who is having it very difficult. If you had a year to live do you think you should spend it in bed with any visitors sitting stiffly in the bedroom with you?

shakeyourcaboose · 10/02/2018 12:57

You. And i absolutely hope that your statement about his going to the rugby with his dying father as a fucking 'jolly' is a slip of the tongue. Not that it matters but if it's a six nations match, its probably the las one they will get to experience together. Please have some sympathy for your DP and his family and look outwards from your 'poor trapped me' view.

iBiscuit · 10/02/2018 12:57

He's supporting his dad.

You are being unreasonable and selfish, IMO.

Chathamhouserules · 10/02/2018 12:58

I think you need to address your trust issues too.

PlanNumber · 10/02/2018 13:01

The car should have been discussed/agreed. The rest of it makes you sound unhinged.

Bluntness100 · 10/02/2018 13:02

Well clearly you. I mean Jesus, im actually speechless. You object to a jolly and. Are scared of him meeting an ex. What do you eant him to do, sit in solemn silence at home with them.

You get the friggen train and have some empathy.

AnyFucker · 10/02/2018 13:03

Hmm.

YABVU

Bigpizzalover · 10/02/2018 13:03

I think it’s not the fact he’s left you carless or that he’s gone alone it’s the fact that he may see ex that’s bothering you, which I 100% understand - but it does make you unreasonable as he’s off to see relatives not ex and he can’t help who his dad/stepmum have stayed in touch with.

I do think you are wrong and very insensitive about the terminally ill been jolly. My MIL is terminally ill. She has treatment to postpone the worst happening and lives a full life in between treatments when she is up to it. Terminally ill doesn’t mean you are dying very soon in all all cases it just means it can’t be cured so please do not say what you have to DP

Mulberry72 · 10/02/2018 13:07

Sorry OP but YABVU. Why should he and his DF stop doing enjoyable things together on their own just because DF is terminally ill?

And to refer to it as “a jolly” is vile!

Sounds as if they are making the most of whatever time they have left, can’t understand why that would be such a bad thing??

You come across as unhinged. Sorry.

Bluntness100 · 10/02/2018 13:08

This may actually win an award for the most unreasonable unhinged thread so far this year. It's certainly the most mind boggling thing I've read.

UserSnoozer · 10/02/2018 13:08

Surely it's your fil and step-mil. Why didn't you just assume you were going and be very much like "when are we leaving?"

kmc1111 · 10/02/2018 13:09

So he's spending a day in the same town as an ex, and his terminally ill stepmother isn't bedridden enough for your tastes.

What a bastard...

upsideup · 10/02/2018 13:10

Is the car actually a shared car or is it his car that he lets you use? I think thats the only thing you can justify being slightly annoyed about. But as he is the one who needs to travel a long distance and you are just going to be at home it would make more sense for him to take the car. Why would it be more reasonable for him to be left carless and have to use public transport than you to be left carless and have to use public transport?

shakeyourcaboose · 10/02/2018 13:11

Sorry it's step-mil who is so ill. Still YABVVVU.

Guavaf1sh · 10/02/2018 13:11

YABU