To feel so let down by DP!?

[Divaroses26]

I’ll try not to drip feed, so here goes....

DP and I have been together a while, in a very happy secure stable relationship - no problems either side im aware of...but....

Today DP has decided to go and visit his biological father and his partner around 150 miles away from us. DFils wife has been diagnosed with terminal cancer - 12 months to live. Awfully sad.

Now, DP very briefly lived with DFil & Wife for around a year, he also had a relationship with a local girl around that time which ended rather sourly, however DFil and his wife have remained in contact and friends with the said girl despite all the problems she has caused DP & I since we got together. (That’s a whole other story tho so won’t go into detail!) Anyhow, DP has gone to visit today in our car (which we share!) and not even asked if I would like to join him! He knows I had issues around this as I’m fearful he will bump into his ex and ultimately bring things to the surface again, as well as this, they’ve decided to go out to watch the rugby. Now to me, that’s not visiting someone who is terminally ill, that’s going on a fuckin jolly!

I asked DP to get the train so I wouldn’t be stuck at home as I’m car-less and he refused!!
Whose being unreasonable here? Him or I? Was it wrong of me to expect an invite? Xx

[thewanderer03]

Agree with OP sorry. YABU why are you worried that your partner may bump into this person, surely if you trusted him that shouldn't matter and it sounds like a big if anyway, unless it's a very small place?

[yerbutnobut]

You are individuals. I wouldn't expect my DH to invite me everywhere he goes and he doesn't expect to be invited everywhere either. It sounds like you aren't seeing his visit for what it is and have shrouded it in suspicion regarding his ex. If you trust him it shouldn't matter if he sees the ex or not whilst on his visit.

[Bluntness100]

Agree, If this is real, and I struggle to beleive anyone could be so unreasonable, then if it is, it's an awful relationship. Controlling, unstable, jealous, demanding and that's just the op.

I can see why he didn't want her there and just wants to spend the time with his dad. The issue is she's so deranged she thinks this is a jolly and shouldn't be permitted.

She's also force the poor bastard to do a 300 mile round trip on the train on the Off chance she may need the car and find it easier.

It's gob smacking.

[DeathStare]

You want your DH to say to his dying step-mum or to his father who is probably exhausted and having a terrible time watching his wife be so ill, "I'm sorry but I will not take you out to spend the fun time together that you would so dearly like and I would like too, because my wife doesn't want me to run into someone else who in all likelihood won't even be there"

And you have honestly no idea whether you are being unreasonable or not?

[pictish]

If you’re still reading, have another YABU. You’re essentially whinging about him Spending some time with his dad and terminally ill stepmum because they’re doing something out of the house that might mean your do will bump into his ex.
Listen to yourself.

[RedDogsBeg]

AF

[TooManyPaws]

And as for the relationship with the ex, maybe they had a prior one with her, maybe she lives very close by, or they know through an activity etc. A friend married and divorced (no children) the son of long-term family friends who live near by. She is still on closer terms with the family than their son who lives far away and married a woman who has no time for and can't be bothered with his family.

[AnyFucker]

[RedDogsBeg]

AF unsurprisingly, no.

[SilverySurfer]

Of course YABU. What's so terrible about him taking his DF to rugby? I'm guessing the poor bloke needs a break. What did you think they should do? All sit indoors in dirge-like silence? Ridiculous. You obviously have jealousy and insecurity issues.

[Snowysky20009]

Nope.

[AnyFucker]

Did op come back ?

[BewareOfDragons]

How he was getting there should have been agreed as you have one car between you, yes.

In all other regards, you are being urneasonable.

You either trust him or you don't.

He's visiting his father who is caring for a terminally ill spouse. I hope they have a nice day together. He probably needs a nice day out, tbh. Get a fucking grip.

[EmmaGrundyForPM]

YABU.

Youbsound very insecure and bordering on paranoid. Your partner has gone to see his stepmum who is ill and to support his father. That is perfectly reasonable. Going to the rugby together is also perfectly reasonable.

Can you really not manage one weekend withour a car? Unless there's some massive dripfeed coming.

[Italiangreyhound]

@SparklyMagpie, Your situation

"I have a fantastic relationship with my ex's mum where we meet up for coffees etc and he's been in a relationship for a couple of years

Is the polar opposite of what the OP described.

Plus the biggie... "Ok we have a child together but what's the issue?"

The issue is that if your child has a child with someone you usually stay in touch regardless of how the person acts, because your grandchild is involved!

If the relationship is good, as your relationship is, even more reason to stay in touch.

However, for a short, child-less, sour-ending, difficult relationship most parents would not stay in touch with the ex of one of their adult childen, so IMHO it is odd, and this may be what is 'feeding' the OP's insecurities.

[PositivelyPERF]

So he should just sit in the house and wait to die? My husband and I went to shows and stayed in more hotels in the last two years of his life, than we did in over two decades together. He was often in a lot of pain and very weak, but was determined not to miss out on things.

[Italiangreyhound]

@SparklyMagpie "And to the posters who think its odd that the DF and Step mother still have a relationship with the ex girlfriend, why is that?"

Because it seems clear it was a short term relationship:

"Now, DP very briefly lived with DFil & Wife for around a year..."

"he also had a relationship with a local girl around that time"

because the relationship ended badly, which would normally mean the parents support their child not the ex girlfriend.

" which ended rather sourly"

and which seems to have had repercussions for their son and his new partner...

"however DFil and his wife have remained in contact and friends with the said girl despite all the problems she has caused DP & I since we got together."

Plus there is no mention of a child.

[Flutterbyeee]

Have you ever lost someone?

[Kitsharrington]

YABU. Very much so.

[NC4Now]

How can you describe your relationship as stable and secure when you are so insecure about his ex and don’t trust him to go to the rugby?
YABU.
His dad probably needs a break from the caring duties, and a chance to de-stress.

[Snowysky20009]

Don't you think it's nice that your dp is giving his Dad support, taking him out for the matches, and giving his dad some normality in a very difficult time? It must be very a difficult time in his home at the moment, knowing that he will soon loose his dw.

[GottadoitGottadoit]

YABU