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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel so let down by DP!?

101 replies

Divaroses26 · 10/02/2018 12:24

I’ll try not to drip feed, so here goes....

DP and I have been together a while, in a very happy secure stable relationship - no problems either side im aware of...but....

Today DP has decided to go and visit his biological father and his partner around 150 miles away from us. DFils wife has been diagnosed with terminal cancer - 12 months to live. Awfully sad.

Now, DP very briefly lived with DFil & Wife for around a year, he also had a relationship with a local girl around that time which ended rather sourly, however DFil and his wife have remained in contact and friends with the said girl despite all the problems she has caused DP & I since we got together. (That’s a whole other story tho so won’t go into detail!) Anyhow, DP has gone to visit today in our car (which we share!) and not even asked if I would like to join him! He knows I had issues around this as I’m fearful he will bump into his ex and ultimately bring things to the surface again, as well as this, they’ve decided to go out to watch the rugby. Now to me, that’s not visiting someone who is terminally ill, that’s going on a fuckin jolly!

I asked DP to get the train so I wouldn’t be stuck at home as I’m car-less and he refused!!
Whose being unreasonable here? Him or I? Was it wrong of me to expect an invite? Xx

OP posts:
Haffdonga · 10/02/2018 13:13

What has the ex in the same town got to do with taking the car or the train?

YABS (selfish)
YABC (controlling)
YABDFN (downright fucking nasty)

OakIsBetterTho · 10/02/2018 13:14

Unless there's a massive back story, yabvvvu and quite unpleasant. He's going through something tough and he's going about it in the best way he knows how to. Don't be a jealous prat.

IntoTheFloodAgain · 10/02/2018 13:16

You’ve made someone else’s terminal illness all about you, and you’re suprised he didn’t ask you to go with him? yabu

Raver84 · 10/02/2018 13:17

Re read your post. You resent a son spending time watching rugby with his dad on a Saturday? Not only that but dad will die soon? You sound so bitter.

Chewbecca · 10/02/2018 13:18

YANBU to expect to discuss who will use the car today
YABU to think it is not ok for him to visit his DF by himself
YABU to think he can't visit his DF alone because of an ex GF
YABVU to think going to watch rugby is an inappropriate activity for them because of illness

Raver84 · 10/02/2018 13:19

To also ask. Why do you 'feel so let down' by it?

humblesims · 10/02/2018 13:20

Sorry but yes it's you.
if you are in a very happy secure stable relationship then there is no reason to be concerned is there? What are the chances of him bumping into her and if he did why would that be a problem? Unless you dont trust him? In which case its not a happy secure stable relationship is it?
And YY to the others, calling spending time with his DF is not a jolly is it if DF is dealing with a sick wife. Give you head a wobble as they say.

DancesWithOtters · 10/02/2018 13:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JustVent · 10/02/2018 13:21

You’re being a dick. Xx

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 10/02/2018 13:22

To all posters - please, please, please get this straight. It may not change your thinking, but at least get it right.

It isn't the father who is ill - it's his wife (the DP's stepmother).

LIZS · 10/02/2018 13:25

Yabu, sorry. Did you ask him to leave you the car? Maybe fil needs some support and distraction from his caring duties.

SusanBunch · 10/02/2018 13:25

YABU

JustVent · 10/02/2018 13:26

She’s still being a dick.

When he saw his dad did she really expect them to stay in and watch paint dry? What’s wrong with going to the rugby?

NotACleverName · 10/02/2018 13:27

YABACA (you are being a complete arsehole).

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 10/02/2018 13:27

You are being incredibly unreasonable and controlling. If your relationship is that fragile that you think bumping into an ex will make him cheat on you, you should not be together.

You are making what is already a very difficult and emotional time for your partner a hell of a lot harder than it needs to be.

MadMags · 10/02/2018 13:29

Whatever about unreasonable, you’re being weird!

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 10/02/2018 13:29

And why didn't you offer to go?! "Would you like me to come with you dp, it's obviously a very difficult time and I'd like to be there for you and your dad and step mum"?

Almostthere15 · 10/02/2018 13:29

Look you're frustrated. I get that. But you're being absolutely horrid. I hope you haven't said any of this to your partner. So what if he's going on a jolly, maybe that a what his dad needs as a break from the stress.
If you dont trust your partner I the same city as his ex then you have bigger problems than who gets to use the car!

Blackteadrinker77 · 10/02/2018 13:30

The emotional stress of dealing day to day with your love one dying of cancer is very very hard.
I'm glad he is getting away from it for a few hours to watch the rugby with his son.

I think you need to put yourself in your husbands shoes here, his step Mum is dying and his poor Dad is dealing with that. He rightly feels he should spend some time with them and his wife is making it difficult for him, trying to keep the car and having jealousy issues.

I would expect a lot more support from my spouse.

Mercurial123 · 10/02/2018 13:31

You said your relationship is happy and secure it obviously isn't. You are controlling and manipulating. No wonder he didn't want you along.

Petalflowers · 10/02/2018 13:31

I hardly see some of my neighbours day to day, so the chances of him bumping into his ex, are pretty much remote.

HotelEuphoria · 10/02/2018 13:32

I think you are all being a bit harsh on the OP. I have no problem with the DP taking the car, or going to the rugby, and suspicions of him running into his ex are a bit OTT, BUT...why didn't you get an invite? you are a couple and if DH or I were visiting family a fair distance away (especially if one was very ill) it would be assumed that we would be going together. I mean why wouldn't you?

Is there any reason why the ILs wouldn't want you there?

MadMags · 10/02/2018 13:37

Perhaps he wanted to spend time with his dad?

Perhaps they all thought family don’t need an invitation.

Perhaps they think they should be allowed to think about themselves a bit at the moment.

Softkitty2 · 10/02/2018 13:39

What should she be doing? Laying in bed for 12 months?

Get your dh a leash. Grin

OnionKnight · 10/02/2018 13:41

You're being an arse, chill out.