To feel so let down by DP!?

[Divaroses26]

I’ll try not to drip feed, so here goes....

DP and I have been together a while, in a very happy secure stable relationship - no problems either side im aware of...but....

Today DP has decided to go and visit his biological father and his partner around 150 miles away from us. DFils wife has been diagnosed with terminal cancer - 12 months to live. Awfully sad.

Now, DP very briefly lived with DFil & Wife for around a year, he also had a relationship with a local girl around that time which ended rather sourly, however DFil and his wife have remained in contact and friends with the said girl despite all the problems she has caused DP & I since we got together. (That’s a whole other story tho so won’t go into detail!) Anyhow, DP has gone to visit today in our car (which we share!) and not even asked if I would like to join him! He knows I had issues around this as I’m fearful he will bump into his ex and ultimately bring things to the surface again, as well as this, they’ve decided to go out to watch the rugby. Now to me, that’s not visiting someone who is terminally ill, that’s going on a fuckin jolly!

I asked DP to get the train so I wouldn’t be stuck at home as I’m car-less and he refused!!
Whose being unreasonable here? Him or I? Was it wrong of me to expect an invite? Xx

[AnchorDownDeepBreath]

Bloody hell.

Yes, you are totally and utterly unreasonable, and I can completely see why he wouldn't want to take you in these circumstances.

If you are worried about him seeing an ex; you're relationship is anything but secure...

But more to the point, this weekend isn't about you, or him, or his exes.

It's about his fathers wife; who has 12 months to live. It's about family and spending time together; whether that's finger painting or watching rugby.

I've been to a lot of other people's family events; because I'm orphaned. Some people will be really incredible at making you feel wanted and part of it, instead of a spare part, and that's a truly wonderful thing. It's a lot of effort to make someone feel comfortable and at home when they aren't your family. Not everyone makes it. The critical thing? Whether they make that effort or not, you fit in. You don't make it all about you.

[Loonoon]

It always amazes me how often people don't fully read the opening post.

That being said YABU OP. If the step mum is terminally ill am sure your FIL is desperately in need of some down time and relaxation and a Six Nations match in the pub with his son sounds just the ticket. My own DF died a slow and premature death from cancer and sometimes it helped to just leave it all behind for an afternoon and do something fun.
Suggest to your DP he goes home for every match of the series and gives his dad some respite.

[RedDogsBeg]

OP: DP and I have been together a while, in a very happy secure stable relationship

It can't be a very happy, secure, stable relationship if you are fretting about him bumping into his ex, or going to the Rugby with his father, that is the very definition of an unstable relationship that lacks trust.

You sound very jealous and insecure, not attractive traits and neither of which are conducive to a long term happy relationship for either of you.

I can't believe you are so crass as to describe an afternoon at the Rugby with his father in the circumstances as being a 'jolly', do you really have so little compassion and sensitivity?

[AcrossthePond55]

1- The trip. Yes, you're unreasonable to want him not to see his ailing father or go to the Rugby with him. They are creating memories for each other. Your DH, for when Dad is gone. For Dad, when he is near the end, it will be painful and unpleasant for him. Your DH is giving him memories of his last 'good days'. So don't be a bitch.

2-The car thing. Maybe. Depends on whether or not you had a definite need to use the car and how difficult it would be for him to get from the train to his parents and back to the station. If you wanted the car for a 'jolly' whilst he's gone or because 'maybe' you'd want it, or if his Mum would have had to drive 5-10 miles to the nearest station to get/take him back, then again don't be a bitch.

3-The ex. You say she 'caused problems'. Was she a stalker? Were the police involved? Or was it a few whingy phone calls and some soppy emails and texts? I can see having misgivings about him going if I was worried that it would end up in threatening calls and broken windows, but not if it was just that she would try to 'corner' him and beg him to come back. Even so, his dad is dying. Unless I was worried about my/DH's physical safety, I'd probably suck it up.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Have you had anyone close to you become terminally ill and die? I suspect not with this attitude op.

[WooWooSister]

If your DP could get the train then you could equally get the train if you want to go out today.
YABVVU about all of this tbh and your reaction shows that the relationship isn't happy, secure and stable. If it was then you'd have asked your DP if he wanted you to go along for support and then if he said no, you'd have told him not to spend as much time with them as he needs. note no need at all to mention your 'hardship' of not having a car for one day

[Gabilan]

I asked DP to get the train so I wouldn’t be stuck at home as I’m car-less

Where do you live? If you're somewhere with no public transport this is a problem and it would be better to give him a lift to the train station and keep the car yourself. If you're in a town or city then there will be public transport and you've no need of a car for one weekend.

Your DH, for when Dad is gone. For Dad, when he is near the end, it will be painful and unpleasant for him

It's the step MIL who is ill, not the father.

[ChasedByBees]

HIS DAD IS NOT DYING.

It is the SMIL who is ill.

Nevertheless, surely you can see that his dad may want time to do something fun and take his mind off things? Why shouldn’t they have time together? I can’t understand why you would describe that as a ‘jolly’ like it’s having fun unnecessarily. You should address your jealousy too.

[AcrossthePond55]

Oops! Just as Loonon has chided, I misread the OP.

But my advice still stands. MiL's last days are going to be tough and likely very unpleasant for Dad. There's nothing wrong with a son trying to 'buck him up' for what lies ahead. Caring for a cancer patient is very exhausting and physically confining (for lack of a better word) for the family. The time will come when Dad won't be able to go anywhere, so why not go when he can?

And obviously MiL won't be picking DH up at the station, but it still stands for Dad. Why not make things as easy on them as possible?

[NoIdeaWhatToSay]

I'm not sure what the DP has done wrong!

He's gone to visit his dad

He's having an afternoon out with his dad

He's taken the car

And???

OP, if you think that bumping into an ex will be a problem then you should be worried about him coming into contact with anyone: If it's going to happen, it's going to happen. Sort out the trust issues in your relationship or get out.

[NoIdeaWhatToSay]

Sorry, DH not DP. Not that it matters in this situation.

[SparklyMagpie]

I wouldn't want you around either if this is your attitude

Let him have some time with his DF and DSM

When you say you've been together a while,how long is that exactly? Not long enough to call her a MIL

If there's been lots of drama it's probably for the best you aren't there

I can get my head around you acting like this tbh

So what if he bumps into his ex? Think his Step mum dying is a big enough concern than that

And yes, you are being INCREDIBLY unreasonable

And if I was your DP and you caused something over this,I'd have no hesitation to consider ending it with you

It's not about you OP!

But I await the huge drip feed....

[3luckystars]

I think you are going to have to tackle your issues with your husband regarding his ex.
There will be a funeral etc and if a visit to the same town as her makes you this upset, you will have to sort it out. He needs to be with his dad at this time.

[Mulberry72]

Comments still stand wether it’s MIL or FIL who is ill.

[maddiemookins16mum]

YABVU and incredibly childish.

[Gemini69]

Its very strange that the Fil/Mil would maintain a relationship with a woman they know their Son no longer cares for.... even disrupting his life ... and causes problems for him... that is ODD

[Italiangreyhound]

I think when he comes home, be loving and kind, and ask about the day. Ask politely if you can come too if he visits again. You need to think that this is his step mum, who he may be quite close to, and his dad. The use of 'biological father' in yuor intro is interesting, did he grow up with his dad?

Either way it may denote a very close relationship, either because he did grow up with dad around or it may be he is making up for lost time with a dad he saw less or little of. Please think about this as this may explain why this visit is so important to him he is willing to leave you behind and leave you car-less. It may be much less about you and much more about his dad or his step mum!

So, OP I am sorry but you are being very unreasonable here.

I am not sure what happened with this 'girl' who he was in a relationship with before you but to be fair if she lives near your DFIL then you can't expect him never to visit the area.

"DP has gone to visit today in our car (which we share!) and not even asked if I would like to join him!"

It is understandable he needs the car, maybe he wants to drive DFIL and step mum around, not rely on lifts or taxis when up there. Of all the reasons for needing a car, visiting a dying or even sick relative is a big reason.

[HildaZelda]

Yes, YABU and VERY controlling OP. Are you usually like this with your partner because you obviously don't trust him.

[Italiangreyhound]

I say up there I've no idea where it is, down there, across there!

Why he did not ask you to go, I don't know. Did you ask to go?

Maybe this is the reason he did not want to ask you to go "He knows I had issues around this as I’m fearful he will bump into his ex and ultimately bring things to the surface again, as well as this, they’ve decided to go out to watch the rugby."

Perhaps he thinks you will make a scene or spoil the fun element of the day?

"Now to me, that’s not visiting someone who is terminally ill, that’s going on a fuckin jolly!"

This attitude is literally appalling and it may be the reason your DP did not invite you. It sounds awfully judgmental and simply ignorant of how people may choose to spend their last days. Presumably, his step mum is not bed ridden so why should she act as if she is?

There may be more issues you have not mentioned here. He may not be a saint, I am not saying he is.

But I think you need to work on this because this lack of compassion about this situation is coming across loud and clear and if your dp is picking up on this he may find it distressing. Having lost two parents, one to a long illness, I think you need to show compassion, she may not be his mum but a step mum can mean a lot too.

[Italiangreyhound]

I do, however, agree with Gemini69 "Its very strange that the Fil/Mil would maintain a relationship with a woman they know their Son no longer cares for.... even disrupting his life ... and causes problems for him... that is ODD"

Is it that you fear that your in laws are trying to get your dp back with her?

Is there more to this?

[VladmirsPoutine]

Why are you so insecure?

I know women can get very possessive about 'their' men but it's not the right attitude to have. He can walk out on you at any given moment. As can you. But remember all you ultimately have is yourself. If he's going to cheat then he will regardless. Take heed of this and develop some self-esteem.

[SparklyMagpie]

Also is it really that urgent that you need the car for today?? Or are you just spitting your dummy out and being awkward and making that another issue ?

[Viviennemary]

This relationship sounds very wobbly indeed to me. If you are frightened he might bump into an ex. So what if he does. Who owns this car. That is who paid for it. If you both did then yes he should have said I'm having the car today. YABU. But it's because you don't trust your partner and feel insecure. I think you should call it a day tbh.

[Blackteadrinker77]

I think when he comes home, be loving and kind, and ask about the day

I agree, let him talk about it, be supportive.