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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mil and miscarriage

110 replies

Maybeimabitsensitive · 30/01/2018 22:16

Maybe I’m being U.

I’ll keep it short. Been TTC for 5 years. Got pregnant after IVF and miscarried last week at 11 weeks. Devastated doesn’t cover it. MIL hasn’t exactly been supportive throughout our infertility experience - I have given her so many “benefit of the doubt” moments and opportunities to know what’s happening but she just doesn’t seem to get it and never offers support. Whenever I text her to update her (not so much lately as she’s not interested) she’ll say the right things and that’s it. Always feels a bit like she’s just saying what any polite person would say.

We told her about the pregnancy at 6 weeks as we’d told my (v supportive) parents and it didn’t feel right excluding her. She didn’t text or call me but told DH I’m text that she was so happy but wouldn’t be telling his stepdad (who she’s been with since DH was 4) as she wouldn’t trust him to not tell people Hmm

Fast forward to ourmiscarriage and she sends me a text saying she’s sorry and that I need to be hopeful and be determined. I already am, idiot!!! She told DH again that she wouldn’t tell his stepdad about it. Like we care!! How she could be poker face over it I’ll never know. My parents were devastated. Since then I’ve heard nothing from her. Aibu to think this is really fucking shit and I should be able to expect more???

OP posts:
MrsMaxwell · 30/01/2018 22:18

So sorry for your loss Flowers

Do you think you might be projecting onto her a little bit?

Original poster
Maybeimabitsensitive · 30/01/2018 22:21

Thank you.

No I don’t think so. I just feel that she never ‘connects’ with us and I hate the way she offers advice without bothering to know the full picture. I just think that if one day I ever have a DIL I would offer her more thought and kindness. I see the wonderful relationship my mum has with my brothers girlfriend and how she genuinely worries if something is wrong with her and I feel a bit resentful of MIL

OP posts:
Original poster
Maybeimabitsensitive · 30/01/2018 22:21

And it also bugs me that she makes out to DH family that we are close. We’re not.

OP posts:
Original poster
Maybeimabitsensitive · 30/01/2018 22:22

She knows we’re under extreme, breaking point stress but doesn’t worry enough to check I haven’t jumped off a cliff?!

OP posts:
Midge1978 · 30/01/2018 22:24

As someone who has experienced pregnancy loss, I would say you need to let it go. People do struggle to know what to say in these situations and can say inappropriate or trite things without really meaning any harm. What is the perfect response to news of a miscarriage? It's hard for people to know. My mum told me "look on the bright side, at least you know you can get pregnant". I wanted to throw something at her. But I realise she just felt she had to say something comforting and made a clumsy mistake.

BifsWif · 30/01/2018 22:25

I’m so sorry for your loss Flowers

I can’t see from your post why you’re so angry at her, maybe I’ve misunderstood or there’s a back story, but either way I would try and focus on yourself for now and not worry about anyone else. Be kind to yourself x

bridgetreilly · 30/01/2018 22:25

People are different and deal with things differently. I'm sorry she's not offering the support you'd like at the moment, but I think you are being a bit unreasonable to expect her to suddenly be a different sort of person. Concentrate on your own parents and DH and don't let it get to you.

greendale17 · 30/01/2018 22:27

Fast forward to ourmiscarriage and she sends me a text saying she’s sorry and that I need to be hopeful and be determined. I already am, idiot!!!

^What do you want her to say??? Cut her some slack

meredintofpandiculation · 30/01/2018 22:29

IVF wasn't around when I was having my DCs. If my DIL were to have your problems, I'd hope I would respond in the way that she needed, but to be honest, I haven't a clue how to react. Maybe your MIL feels the same? That it's something way out of her experience and she doesn't know what to do or say and whether the best thing isn't just to keep a low profile?

sonjadog · 30/01/2018 22:29

It doesn't sound like she has done anything awful, sorry, she just isn´t the person you would like her to be.

farfallarocks · 30/01/2018 22:29

I’m so sorry, to miscarry after ivf is particularly hideous. My mil was awful when we were going through repeated Mc, clangers such as ‘Mother Nature doing you a favour’ and ‘it wasn’t really a baby anyway’ . You get the picture. Hardly anyone says anything helpful in these situations. Take comfort from your parents and keep your distance from her I would say!

TheVanguardSix · 30/01/2018 22:30

It's devastating what you've been through OP. As for your MIL, she's doing her best. She's not going to become the ideal MIL but she doesn't sound terrible. Maybe she's a bit detached because that's how she deals with stress and bereavement. We all have our ways of ploughing through life's turmoil. Flowers

Rachie1973 · 30/01/2018 22:32

I think you're being quite harsh OP. I'm sorry for your loss, but she's texted nice things.

It may be that she's dealing with it too.

Bluelady · 30/01/2018 22:33

Of course you're devastated, who wouldn't be? And your mum is too because she knows how much you're hurting. Your mil isn't invested the way both of you are. It sounds as if she's doing the best she can.

It's almost impossible for other people to say the right thing in these situations. My mum, who was the kindest, most loving person I ever met, managed to cut me to the quick with something she said to me in a similar situation. What she said was thoughtless not unkind but it bloody hurt.

PatriciaHolm · 30/01/2018 22:33

I think she just might be an easy thing to focus your anger on at the moment.

So she doesn't adore you, isn't openly devastated, or demonstrably emotional. Some people aren't.

I'm sorry for your loss, but I do think you are focussing on her rather irrationally.

Checklist · 30/01/2018 22:33

ITA with Midge1978. IME, realistically the chances of somebody saying the right thing are remote! The worst one imo was "Well, it was a good thing!" (I.e. There was something wrong with it!) My response was "What's good about it?"

Cynara · 30/01/2018 22:34

I'm very sorry for what you're going through at the moment, but to be completely honest I think you're being unreasonable about your mil. She hasn't said anything rude or unkind by the sounds of it, and from what you've written it could well be that she's doing her best to be supportive. I'm not sure what the Hmm is about when she said she wouldn't tell your DH's stepdad in case he told people - I read that as being discreet and supportive. If it would be an issue for you that he might tell people, then your problem is with him. If you don't mind people knowing, that's fine, but she's right to act as the gatekeeper there and make sure that you are the ones to tell people.

fuzzywuzzy · 30/01/2018 22:37

Really sorry for your loss.

I think right now everything is really raw and painful for you.

What would you like your MIL to do? Maybe you could speak to your dh about your expectations and then decide whether you want to speak to your mil about it?

I think everyone deals with grief in their own way.

I am so so sorry for your loss, I had a mmc discovered at 11 weeks & devastated doesn’t even begin to describe how I felt, my heart goes out to you.

NorthernLurker · 30/01/2018 22:37

I think you are expecting too much of her. It sounds like her behaviour has been consistent throughout, it's that she just has a more reserved personality than you would naturally 'click' with. The text about the miscarriage is loving and supportive, it's just not what you needed.
I guess we also need to be mindful that the miscarriage wasn't only a loss for you and dh. Mil has lost somebody too, the grandchild she has been waiting for and I suspect that she feels that loss very deeply too. It might be that you would actually feel better if she showed that but some people don't react like that and will go to the ends of the earth to avoid showing feelings that they are struggling with.

SandyY2K · 30/01/2018 22:37

I can't see what she's done or said that's so awful.

I'm sorry for your loss.

ruleshelpcontrolthefun · 30/01/2018 22:37

I think you are being pretty unfair tbh. She hasn't done anything wrong. I'm sorry you are having such an unbearable and unfair time but don't make her out to be the bad guy.

LifeBeginsNow · 30/01/2018 22:37

It sounds as if you've got an image in your head of the relationship you want and she's falling short of that.

My MIL isn't great with the compassionate words and wasn't at all interested in either pregnancy (first ended in miscarriage at 11 weeks). Having a baby is important to you (as it was to me) and I'm guessing it hurts that it's not as important to your MIL.

So sorry for your loss.

Maniacmum · 30/01/2018 22:37

I hear you OP.

We tried IVF & ICSI for 15 years and the first ever positive result ended in miscarriage.

My DH was a twin, MIL lost his sibling & had another 8 miscarriages herself so I thought & hoped she’d understand or have some empathy for us.

When we told her we were 4 wks pregnant, her reaction was that we’re incredibly selfish & not thinking straight on the basis she is newly retired & it is now ‘her’ time.

3 years on & every day,even now, I hope for phonecall from her, or a gesture of any kind at all to show we are in her thoughts. DD & I are not.

I am simply not on her radar.

Your MIL isn’t emotionally attached. I think the fact that you do actually text (which is something my MIL would never & has never done with me) is possibly a starting block if you feel you want to try & bond with her.

KimmySchmidt1 · 30/01/2018 22:44

I think you are expecting too much. She has been polite and thoughtful.

You cannot expect the same bond with her as you have with your own mother.

Chugalug · 30/01/2018 22:46

Your not going to get what you need from her.dont keep trying.you will only be disappointed

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