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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mil and miscarriage

110 replies

Maybeimabitsensitive · 30/01/2018 22:16

Maybe I’m being U.

I’ll keep it short. Been TTC for 5 years. Got pregnant after IVF and miscarried last week at 11 weeks. Devastated doesn’t cover it. MIL hasn’t exactly been supportive throughout our infertility experience - I have given her so many “benefit of the doubt” moments and opportunities to know what’s happening but she just doesn’t seem to get it and never offers support. Whenever I text her to update her (not so much lately as she’s not interested) she’ll say the right things and that’s it. Always feels a bit like she’s just saying what any polite person would say.

We told her about the pregnancy at 6 weeks as we’d told my (v supportive) parents and it didn’t feel right excluding her. She didn’t text or call me but told DH I’m text that she was so happy but wouldn’t be telling his stepdad (who she’s been with since DH was 4) as she wouldn’t trust him to not tell people Hmm

Fast forward to ourmiscarriage and she sends me a text saying she’s sorry and that I need to be hopeful and be determined. I already am, idiot!!! She told DH again that she wouldn’t tell his stepdad about it. Like we care!! How she could be poker face over it I’ll never know. My parents were devastated. Since then I’ve heard nothing from her. Aibu to think this is really fucking shit and I should be able to expect more???

OP posts:
Chugalug · 30/01/2018 22:48

I'm really sorry for your loss.i can't imagine how awful it must be💐

kaytee87 · 30/01/2018 22:48

I'm so sorry for your loss, especially after trying for so long Thanks

I can't honestly see what your mil has done wrong though. I'd try to let your anger at her go.

MagicWillHappen · 30/01/2018 22:49

Sorry op but yabu. What did you expect her to say? I feel from the tone of your post that nothing she could have said would have been right.

LouHotel · 30/01/2018 22:51

Im sorry for your miscarriage. I miscarries at 11 weeks and its especilially as you feel your nearly at the safe point.

I do think your projecting on your MIL. I had support from my own mum and my DH and felt more comfortable with that. She might think you might not want to share your grief.

UgandanKnuckles · 30/01/2018 22:53

What do you want her to say?

Viviennemary · 30/01/2018 22:53

I'm very sorry you have suffered this loss when your hopes were up. But really I don't think your mil has done anything wrong at all. So don't be annoyed because she hasn't shown enough emotion.

Dazedandconfuzzled · 30/01/2018 22:54

I am sorry for your loss but I think you are being a little unfair on your mil. Sometimes people just don't know what to say. She isn't as invested in this as you are and that doesn't automatically make her a bad person.

yorkshireyummymummy · 30/01/2018 22:55

Different people deal with things in different ways and it seems her ways are different to yours and your family’s.
But that does not mean to say her ways are wrong.

By your own admission she says the right things, and when communicating she messages HER son ( does your mum constantly text your DH?). How can you be angry with her for this?

You sound like you can’t stand the woman ( I already am, Idiot. Like we care!!,) and maybe, just maybe she’s well aware that you don’t care so she keeps her own counsel , keeps her distance and isn’t pushy with you so as not to rock the apple cart. There’s plenty of women estranged from their sons because the wife does not like her MIL. ?Maybe she really loves her son and just wants to see him happy and is determined not to be an interfering MIL.

Ultimately you are not her child so it’s natural that the majority of her communication will be with her son. I think she sounds pretty normal. Who knows, maybe your more overtly emotional family are just the total opposite to her. Not everybody is showy with love and open with their emotions and feelings.

I think you are really angry at the world - understandably- and you are looking for som3one to throw all of this fury at. I understand. Got the t shirt. But it wont do you any good.

Have some counselling and take a break from TTC. Go away foR a mini break with DH and get some rest - for your brain as well as your body.

We are all different. You are trying to conceive a new different person who will not turn out how you expect but you will love all the same. Embrace the differences and just accept that not everybody ever behaves in the same way as you or even how you think they should. That’s life.

welshmist · 30/01/2018 22:56

As a MIL who had miscarriages herself. I was so happy when DIL got pregnant, son then told us she had lost the baby and they would be in touch, we left them alone with their grief as we had wanted for ourselves back in the day. You did tell them awfully early on in your pregnancy, she may well have thought the 12 week rule applied knowing your history.

I said lots of little prayers for them was very upset for them, but kept my counsel, you can so easily say the wrong thing, so end up saying nothing.

S0upertrooper · 30/01/2018 22:58

So sorry to read you've lost your baby, that's very sad. I too have gone through IVF (and all the gubbins before that stage) and we didn't tell the MIL as she makes everything about her, lacks empathy and can't keep anything to herself. I have had many, many situations over the (34) years we've been together where I felt very hurt by her lack of sensitivity so I can identify with how you are feeling. I have learned that she can't be the person I want her to be so it's easier for me to have very little contact with her as seeing her stirs up negative feelings. You've been through so much lately, all the anticipation and stress of IVF and the devastation of loosing your baby. My advice would be to have no contact with her for a while and surround yourself with people who make you feel good about yourself and loved. I wish you well for the future.

fluffyrobin · 30/01/2018 22:59

I am very sorry for your loss.

Op women handle miscarriages very differently; some do not see beyond a bundle of cells that didn't make it so c'est la vie (my dh's gm and dh's dm); some were sad but also curious about identifying what they could from the blood loss (my df); some were like you and were utterly devastated and others didn't want to talk about it at all....given all the different reactions to a m/c by the women experiencing them it is very unfair for you to project how someone should/not behave.

You obviously don't like your MIL and so are using this very sad experience to beat her up with.

Anyway, the timing is not good for you to be objective about this and you are devastated so please look after yourself while you come to terms with your loss.

chocatoo · 30/01/2018 23:05

I think she is anxious about saying the wrong thing (as evidenced by not telling StepDad because he might tell). Try and give her the benefit of the doubt. I think it’s probably quite difficult being a MIL.

incywincybitofa · 30/01/2018 23:07

I think this is a comment that deserves the benefit of the doubt.
I think she is trying to be kind, and maybe trying to protect you in her mind from the awkwardness of facing "a man" over this which from her background might be considered difficult. You are hopeful and determined but she's saying keep it up because their may well be times around this where you loose hope she is just trying to encourage you both.

FurCoatFurKnickers · 30/01/2018 23:10

she sends me a text saying she’s sorry and that I need to be hopeful and be determined

Unless there's a massive backstory/drip feed ahoy I don't understand what she has done that's so awful. Not telling her partner because he might blab was a sensible decision as it was early days and you hadn't made it public.

Sorry for your loss but I do think YABU with regards to your MIL Flowers

lookingforthecorkscrew · 30/01/2018 23:10

None of my in laws gave two shits about my miscarriage at 11 weeks last year. They didn’t ask me how I was then and haven’t mentioned it since. All I got were comments like ‘You can try again’ and ‘At least you have DS’.

I honestly think people don’t realise how gruelling it can be - I delivered a tiny baby into my toilet bowl FFS. I passed out from pain on the floor of EGU.

But they weren’t there, and they just don’t get it.

Myheartwentpop · 30/01/2018 23:11

A lovely friend of mine miscarried after IVF. I have sent what feel like some very inadequate short messsges. I miscarried twice myself, yet I don't know what to say to her, don't know how she's feeling.

I'm sorry for your loss OP.

LightDrizzle · 30/01/2018 23:11

You are going through terrible grief, but like others, I think it is making you judge your MIL harshly.
You must be familiar with the frequently posted circles of support model which suggests that those closest to the suffering only dump outwards to those more distant, - thus you get to emote to your parents and friends, but beyond offering sympathy and support, they don’t dump in on you, they can seek support they need from their friends and family more removed.
By messaging her sorrow and sympathy succinctly, MIL could be argued to be following this quite well. Sharing her devastation with you could easily be seen as making it all about her etc.
No two people are alike in their needs as they go through grief, it’s very difficult to do the right thing and clearly MIL is failing to help you, however nothing you describe suggests she is actually doing anything wrong, it’s just not what you want or need.
If SFIL is a big gobshite, would you really be okay with near strangers approaching you in the supermarket over the next few months commiserating on your loss, or worse still, asking how far along you are, because MIL told him even though she knows he can’t keep his mouth shut?
It sounds like she’s sympathetic but trying to be respectful.
Try to let it go stop going over it in your head.

Changerst · 30/01/2018 23:11

I'm so sorry OP. I know the torture of pregnancy loss. I think you should be able to expect more from your MIL, just saying:

"I'm so sorry for your loss. I love you and I'm here for you."

However something I've learned recently after going through this is that people who haven't experienced just don't know. I'm not saying people who haven't experienced this form of loss can't be empathetic and understanding, what I mean is if you're a bit of an emotional cold fish (and it sounds lien your MIL is) then no matter that happens she won't change and become an emotional support.

Forget her for now, you have your own grief to process. For now it's all about getting through day to day. You will start to feel stronger at some point but don't big yourself down thinking about the future now. I'm so sorry.

TurmericSpiced · 30/01/2018 23:11

I'm so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine going through something as difficult as that. From what you've written, it seems like you're going through emotional hell right now, and your MIL didn't give you the validation you needed. Unlike some of the other posters I think I can see why you're upset - when experiencing through a trauma like this, the last thing you need is for someone to tell you how you "need" to act (you mentioned she said you "need to be hopeful and determined"). I agree she should have offered support in a more loving, validating way.

I'm not sure what your relationship is like, but it seems like the two of you aren't particularly close and don't completely click anyway - perhaps she just doesn't know what to say and is trying to give you space. If it bothers you, which it seems like it does, I think you should tell her how you feel. You won't ever be as close as you are to your own parents but perhaps this could be an opportunity to bond, and for her to give you extra support in the way you need it.

Maniacmum · 30/01/2018 23:12

Hopeful & determined don’t get you anywhere with IVF Confused

Not out to derail. Just saying.

cushioncovers · 30/01/2018 23:16

Really sorry for your loss op.

I don't think your mil has done anything wrong tbh. As long as your dh is happy with the support he gets from her then I would just let it go and turn to your own parents for comfort.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 30/01/2018 23:16

I’m really sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I’m sure devastated doesn’t come anywhere near to how you must have felt. It’s good that you’re still feel guess positive & I hope you’re fortunate enough to have a baby 💐. It’s a hideous roller coaster.

It’s really sad you don’t have the same relationship with your MIL as your Mum has with your brother’s GF. I understand your disappointment. However, for your own sake you have to accept that she’s just not like that, don’t expect anything from her. Try to feel grateful for having the Mum you have, lots of people don’t have that and are treat worse by their own mothers than you are by your MIL.

I honestly do get how you feel, but to help yourself you just have to accept she’s never going to be the MIL you’d have chosen if you could.

Upside, when you do have your baby you don’t have to do anything to ‘keep her happy’ that you don’t want to do.

Good luck - hopefully you’ll be back with good news & the compulsory baby photo 💐x

Changerst · 30/01/2018 23:17

maniacmum exactly that's why it is a bit of a crass comment. I know she may not have meant it in that way but in the circumstances it would have enraged me also.

BadPolicy · 30/01/2018 23:22

I've had 2 MC and I still don't know what to say to someone who is going through it. Everything is shit and unfair, but they already know that!

Urubu · 31/01/2018 00:27

No MC but 4y of TTC and I would have hated for my MIL to say more than a quick text similar to the one who received. Just to show we are all different in a difficult situation like this, so try to let it go, and focus on your parents and DH if they bring you the support you need Flowers