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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mil and miscarriage

110 replies

Maybeimabitsensitive · 30/01/2018 22:16

Maybe I’m being U.

I’ll keep it short. Been TTC for 5 years. Got pregnant after IVF and miscarried last week at 11 weeks. Devastated doesn’t cover it. MIL hasn’t exactly been supportive throughout our infertility experience - I have given her so many “benefit of the doubt” moments and opportunities to know what’s happening but she just doesn’t seem to get it and never offers support. Whenever I text her to update her (not so much lately as she’s not interested) she’ll say the right things and that’s it. Always feels a bit like she’s just saying what any polite person would say.

We told her about the pregnancy at 6 weeks as we’d told my (v supportive) parents and it didn’t feel right excluding her. She didn’t text or call me but told DH I’m text that she was so happy but wouldn’t be telling his stepdad (who she’s been with since DH was 4) as she wouldn’t trust him to not tell people

Fast forward to ourmiscarriage and she sends me a text saying she’s sorry and that I need to be hopeful and be determined. I already am, idiot!!! She told DH again that she wouldn’t tell his stepdad about it. Like we care!! How she could be poker face over it I’ll never know. My parents were devastated. Since then I’ve heard nothing from her. Aibu to think this is really fucking shit and I should be able to expect more???

OP posts:

saoirse31 · 31/01/2018 08:49

Sorry for your loss op. Would tend to agree with others tho, ur mil has not done anything wrong that I can see. I'd see not telling her husband for reasons she said as a thoughtful thing. But I really am sorry for ur loss, best wishes

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 31/01/2018 09:35

Pretty much every single poster has acknowledged OP's loss and said how sorry they are. Many have said they have been there and know how awful it is. How is that 'making her feel she's overreacting'?

I also don't see how - when the OP came here to ask what people think of her MIL's behaviour - gently saying they don't think she's done much wrong and there are other factors at work here is 'making her feel guilty'.

The only other option, it seems, would be to post 'yes, you are entirely right and your MIL sounds horrible - get your dh to tell her to be more supportive' or something along those lines. But I think many people posting here don't feel a response like that, though it might soothe OP's feelings in the moment, to be genuinely the most helpful.

Unfortunately, grieving people will always meet responses to their grief that aren't as they want or need them. Some of those are crass and unacceptable. This one doesn't seem to fall into that category.

yourhavingagiraffee · 31/01/2018 09:47

My husband's family didn't even acknowledge me after my miscarriage, my mil came to my door with a bottle of wine the day we went to maternity unit talk over what was going to happen.

I think people are unsure around miscarriages, possibly don't want to be too much, give you space but ends up seeming like they don't care?

Sorry for your loss op.

midnightmisssuki · 31/01/2018 09:56

Sorry for your loss OP - but i dont think your MIL has done anything wrong here.... I think its very hard to guage what to say to someone has gone through a miscarriage and no answer will ever make it better. I had a miscarriage and my own mother was very short and to the point about it - but that was enough, what did i expect her to say?

timeisnotaline · 31/01/2018 09:59

I’m afraid she is trying. Many people would care if lots knew hence the not telling stepdad bit. We only told parents the gender of our baby so Mum said not to tell dad as he cantkeep a secret (I’m really sorry to refer to a baby, I just mean to show that it genuinely is an attempt to be kind) However you are going through a lot- I don’t think you should update her so much if you don’t think she cares and it just makes it harder for you.

Mumto2two · 31/01/2018 10:14

Sorry for your loss, it is incredibly painful, and often makes it difficult to process sympathy or indeed, empathy, in the way it was intended.
I had a few miscarriages, mostly around 12 weeks, and I don't recall my MILs approach to those. But when I lost my last child, in a very traumatic birth in which I almost died, at nearly 5 months, I had a card, saying sorry, and she knew how I felt, as she had had a miscarriage too. She had an early (6weeks) miscarriage in between her 1st and 2nd child, 40 odd years ago. To me that just seemed so cold and so trite. How dare she even try to equate the two, having held our tiny baby and the awful trauma that had been involved. Of course to some people they might have thought she was just trying to be nice, but knowing her, and the way she is, and how she also fails to properly connect with us as people, I totally felt there was not a shred of true meaningful empathy in that card.
When we know somebody, it becomes easier to interpret the words they write or say. And we know when they are empty and void of true empathetic concern. So I understand what you are saying OP. On the surface it looks like a nice message, but only the recipient can properly interpret what is being said. Whether it is a misunderstanding or not, your loss will make it difficult to reason either way.

NataliaOsipova · 31/01/2018 10:19

she sends me a text saying she’s sorry and that I need to be hopeful and be determined

What's wrong with that? I think that's a lovely, considered, thoughtful message. I'd be far more grateful for that than someone weeping and wailing and expecting me to deal with their upset as well.

I'm so sorry for your loss -

SandAndSea · 31/01/2018 10:26

So sorry for your loss.

It sounds like your mil is trying but doesn't know what to say for the best. Many of us would be the same.

CottonSock · 31/01/2018 10:31

My mum and sister both said things that upset me after mc. People just don't know what to say. I'm sorry for your loss

CotswoldStrife · 31/01/2018 10:32

Sorry for your loss, OP. As PP have said, we only have what you say on here to go on and can't see that your MIL has done anything wrong here.

I don't think it's a case of posters piling in - it would be a shame to damage the OP's relationship with her MIL over this. You can't control how people react to bad news in life, we all deal with it differently and have different ways of grieving - it's not a case of a right or wrong way, just what's right for that person.

The OP is aware of that, her username is a clue as well as the fact that she starts her post with 'maybe I'm being U'.

Bekabeech · 31/01/2018 10:35

I'm sorry for your loss.

But I do think you are projecting a lot of your pain onto your MIL.

Everyone reacts differently to infertility and miscarriage very differently. Your parents know you really well, so instinctively know how to react, what to say etc. You are not close to your MIL and she doesn't know what to say.

When I had a miscarriage I wasn't devastated, it wasn't a first pregnancy and it was a one off. But I know other people in similar circumstances who were very very upset, I just wasn't (DH was actually more upset). Everyone is different. We can all say "odd" things at time. That's why people often stick to the formulaic when people are grieving.
Now if you rant against the Universe/God/whatever then that is perfectly fair. It is not fair!

Notonthestairs · 31/01/2018 10:37

I've had ICSI, a subsequent miscarriage and a MIL ill equipped to manage her own emotions let alone mine. The week after my miscarriage she frogmarched me around SIL's new nursery - she was 6 months pregnant - to admire changing table, booties, babygros etc ignoring my muffled mumbling s. I locked myself in the loo for a break from baby talk. My own mum just said at least you know you can get pregnant.

I was very angry and shocked that neither of them understood and knew what to say. I expected more despite difficulties in our relationships. Over a decade later I know a lot of my anger was misdirected rage at the unfairness of our situation.

Perhaps they could have tried harder but in all honesty there was nothing anyone could have said that comforted us.
Not very cheery am I?! Wishing you the best

LuchiMangsho · 31/01/2018 10:48

Many losses here too. And one traumatic premature birth.
Maybe she isn’t a nice person per se but on this occasion her text was fine. I wouldn’t have minded receiving it.
Actually I found other people’s devastation (ie your parents’ reaction) really hard to take. As if I had failed them or something.
She was kind and respectful. It would, in my opinion, be very attention seeking of her to be wailing and gnashing her teeth.

And her not telling her stepdad. Maybe she did the right thing. My MIL passed on information selectively to my FIL after our very premature baby was born and was clinging on to life hour by hour. She knew him better than we did and knew what the right course of action was.

I am sorry for your loss. But you are taking it out on someone who doesn’t deserve this.

TournesolsetLavande · 31/01/2018 10:50

Fast forward to ourmiscarriage and she sends me a text saying she’s sorry and that I need to be hopeful and be determined. I already am, idiot!!!

I think she was just trying to think of something positive and inspirational to say. People find it hard to know what to say at times like this. And if she was all over you with her grief then she might be accused of inserting herself in your grief and making it all about her. Perhaps she's putting a lid on it in the belief that it is easier for you to cope that way.

And she probably felt she was doing you a favour in keeping the news from her husband until you were safely out of the woods as many people hate everyone knowing they are PG until they are past 12 weeks. If anything goes wrong in the first trimester there are fewer people to have to explain it all too. I am sure she meant well, in her way.

I am sorry for your loss.

LuchiMangsho · 31/01/2018 10:51

And my MIL had a miscarriage too. An early one. Also 30 odd years ago. I found her silently weeping in a corner a few days after my much later miscarriage. She didn’t know I had seen her. MUCH later I asked her why she was crying and she told me. I was the first person she had told in years. Her sons didn’t know. In those days it was ‘one of those things.’ She always wonders if that baby was the girl she didn’t have. Just because it was an early miscarriage and a long time ago doesn’t mean her grief wasn’t real. That’s a very unkind thing to say by a PP.

TheFirstMrsDV · 31/01/2018 10:54

I don't want to try and push you off the main boards but I think Infertility based board might be better than AIBU for this.
You have been through such a lot and must be devastated.

Its ok to feel what you are feeling even if it doesn't seem logical to most of us.

TournesolsetLavande · 31/01/2018 10:54

I agree, AIBU isn't really the place for this.

whiskyowl · 31/01/2018 10:55

It sounds like you come from very different emotional cultures. You have a warm, loving, close relationship with your family. She has a colder, more distant one. I am on your team, in the sense that I think your family relations sound far more supportive and lovely than hers, but each to their own.

You need to distance yourself emotionally from her. Keep her included, keep telling her stuff, but don't expect closeness or cuddliness from her. You are lucky in that you do have a lovely family who will support you, so keep nurturing those relationships that do support you, and spend less time and energy on those that don't.

(My parents told me not to sweat being told I couldn't have kids because "I'd make a shit parent anyway, and there will be other things to keep my occupied - like the allotment". That thread on here made the Daily Mail, where I was roundly told in the comments that I was being a spoiled brat for expecting any kind of emotional support from my family! I was in so much pain after it that I went to a counsellor, who really helped me to get my head straight and to get some boundaries in place so that I couldn't be hurt so badly again. You might find this useful, as you've been through a hell of a lot.)

NataliaOsipova · 31/01/2018 10:56

And if she was all over you with her grief then she might be accused of inserting herself in your grief and making it all about her. Perhaps she's putting a lid on it in the belief that it is easier for you to cope that way.

That's a much better way of saying what I was trying to say! When you're going through a hard time, dealing with other people can be harder and more draining than coping with your own grief. Maybe she feels like that too and is trying instead to offer you a bit of hope and comfort. I wouldn't judge her too harshly.

ittakes2 · 31/01/2018 10:58

I'm sorry for your loss. I think you need to rethink where you are coming from. You are hoping to recreate with your m'n'law the same close relationship you have with your parents. She is not the same person and she will always fail in your mind and you will always be disappointed. I know how you feel as all my family live overseas and I have at some time er other tried to connect with all my hubby's family members to different degrees of success and failure. You need to come from a place of not having any expectations on what she will or will not do or say - and then you will never be disappointed and maybe sometimes you will be pleasantly surprised. I discovered the key with my m'n'law is I never to do anything or say anything to her unless its something I want to do or say. It was when I felt I made myself vulnerable to her that I was most hurt by her actions or words or lack of them. I would suggest you leave it up to your husband to decide what is said or not said to your m'n'law about your current issues and let him have these conversations in private with her about them. You don't need to be contacting her out of a sense of duty or seeking her support. This a sensitive time for you and you should focus on the people around you who you know will give you the support you need.

greenlynx · 31/01/2018 11:01

I'm very sorry for your loss and for all you are going through.
I had 8 years of different treatments and then IVF, and honestly the message from your MIL was exactly the words I was saying to myself after every failed step. Hope and determination - it was my mantra.
Also I didn't tell anyone in my family much about our problems, especially my mum , she's not good at keeping secrets. It sounds like your MIL is rather careful with what she's saying trying not to hurt you, and to give you some space.
I had similar experience but honestly don't know what to tell you today. It all hurt a lot. My daughter is at secondary school but the memories about this awful years are still haunting me. You never forget this hopeless despair and pain. And no words could take it away.
Don't lose hope please. Hope and determination. And love. Good luck.

Jux · 31/01/2018 11:02

I think she knows you get lots of support from your parents who do it better (for you) than she does, and she knows she pisses you off because her style is different from your family's, so she goes through her son, who is her son after all, and so she gives him what support she can in the way her family do it.

I think you're justifiably upset over your miscarriage and dashed hopes, and looking for something or someone to be angry at. Entirely understandable. Don't act on it though, as she doesn't deserve it.

OOOOOOOOOOO · 31/01/2018 11:06

I think the MIL has not done anything wrong. It's always hard to know what to say.

ittakes2 · 31/01/2018 11:06

Sorry I thought it worth mentioning, I have had 3 failed ivfs and 1 successful one. Ivf is a terrible emotional rollercoaster so be kind to yourself.

Iloveanimals · 31/01/2018 11:10

Also think you're being a bit unfair hear op but for you

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