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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mil and miscarriage

110 replies

Maybeimabitsensitive · 30/01/2018 22:16

Maybe I’m being U.

I’ll keep it short. Been TTC for 5 years. Got pregnant after IVF and miscarried last week at 11 weeks. Devastated doesn’t cover it. MIL hasn’t exactly been supportive throughout our infertility experience - I have given her so many “benefit of the doubt” moments and opportunities to know what’s happening but she just doesn’t seem to get it and never offers support. Whenever I text her to update her (not so much lately as she’s not interested) she’ll say the right things and that’s it. Always feels a bit like she’s just saying what any polite person would say.

We told her about the pregnancy at 6 weeks as we’d told my (v supportive) parents and it didn’t feel right excluding her. She didn’t text or call me but told DH I’m text that she was so happy but wouldn’t be telling his stepdad (who she’s been with since DH was 4) as she wouldn’t trust him to not tell people Hmm

Fast forward to ourmiscarriage and she sends me a text saying she’s sorry and that I need to be hopeful and be determined. I already am, idiot!!! She told DH again that she wouldn’t tell his stepdad about it. Like we care!! How she could be poker face over it I’ll never know. My parents were devastated. Since then I’ve heard nothing from her. Aibu to think this is really fucking shit and I should be able to expect more???

OP posts:
MollyWantsACracker · 31/01/2018 00:37

I’m really sorry for your loss 💐, I am. I had a MC and my mother happened to be around the weekend it started. She took off after (ex)DH and I returned from the EPCU having confirmed the pg wasn’t viable. She’d been minding dc1 for us.
A few years later, she apologised.

lonelymelissa · 31/01/2018 01:03

I am so very sorry for your loss, OP. Having been through IVF several times (until the money ran out) I know how devestating it is to have a negative result, or in your case a miscarrage. I truly wish you well.

You are not being unreasonable at all. I found few people around me did properly understand, and had a equally insensitive MIL too. After over a decade of trying for a baby she told me I should be grateful not to have had to bother about contraception. My advice is to keep your distance and surround yourself with those people that do understand.

Good luck for the future.

Benby · 31/01/2018 02:13

Hi op I am so sorry for your loss. I have had 4 miscarriages and I could only hope my mil would offer words like that to me.
When I had my 3rd miscarriage she told me it was probably for the best because the 2 I had were a handful.
She accused my dh of forcing me to try for a 3rd baby because he wanted a boy ( we had 2 girls )
Told me I was mad when I finally got a sticky 3rd baby
Kept asking the doctor on the ward to give me a hysterectomy after complications on my 4th ( I had already had my tubes tied)
Dh's brother and now wife have 4 too but that's ok it's only our 4 she has a problem with.
I have 3 daughter's and 1 son and if I ever turned out to be a mil like her I think I'd shoot myself I wouldn't wish her on my worst enemy

MotherMarysStylist · 31/01/2018 02:33

As someone who has had many losses I think you need to focus on your own grieving and not give too much emphasis on what MIL says / thinks.

I used to get told, oh well at least you can get pregnant. You're lucky it happened early. It's only like a late period really.

Yes it did really hurt, but people react in different ways. She could be really disappointed, but doesn't want to make you feel bad on her behalf if that makes sense.

You need to focus on you, focus on the people giving you the support you want.

It's NU but to give her the benefit of the doubt, maybe she didn't want to project onto you.

I'm so sorry, it is such a hard and difficult time, especially after fertility treatment. Hope you have a good support network.

MotherMarysStylist · 31/01/2018 02:38

I would also say from experience families can vary so so much. So your family is a close unit, where your relationship with MIL is quite different.

I never looked to my MIL for support, I know she had her problems. It's an area that people still don't really know how to react to.

One instance I recall was a relative who had a mc before 10 weeks, another relative was pretty matter of fact, even though the poor woman was struggling with it. Luckily she had a supportive mother and I believe MIL.

I'm sorry your MIL has got to you.

PotteringAlong · 31/01/2018 03:03

Whenever I text her to update her she’ll say the right things and that’s it.

Your beef is with a woman because she says the right things?!

I’m sorry for your loss, I really am, but your MiL is not at fault here. You need to stop making this her fault.

Bettyswitch · 31/01/2018 03:38

Firstly im sorry for your loss.
I feel like pp that you need to realise that your mil is not and never will be emotionally attached to you as is your own dm, I understand you may want her to be though op but its rare to drop on to a mil who treats a dil as her own. Try not to focus on her, instead surround yourself with people who you do connect with and leave the mil to be as irrelevant as you wish her to be.

Charolais · 31/01/2018 03:42

I had half a dozen miscarriages and the last thing I wanted was for other people to be upset. What the hell do you expect her to do? She can’t help you get over it.

BringBiscuits · 31/01/2018 03:47

Sorry for your loss OP. I think you are being a bit unfair to your MIL. It’s not her fault and she’s offered her condolences. I’m not sure what else you can expect from her. Her response seems sincere and reasonable to me.

TheDowagerCuntess · 31/01/2018 04:23

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP. 💐

I don't know that starting this thread was a good idea, as you're not getting the responses you probably expected.

It's difficult when you envisage a certain sort of relationship with your MIL and the reality falls short.

You don't have a warm, easy, close relationship, and what's worse is that you can see your own DM having the sort of relationship you'd like with her DIL, so it's amplified.

It doesn't matter what MIL had said; it would've been wrong. Not least because when you're not close, a condolence sent by text will always appear trite.

I think you need to lay the imagined relationship to rest, and make your peace with the situation as it stands, otherwise you're in for a lifetime of disappointment.

Thanks
Passmethecakeplease · 31/01/2018 07:07

I am sorry for your loss but I think you're looking for an easy target for your anger.

Your MIL may well be grieving but albeit in a very different way to how you imagine she should, she may feel awkward, helpless and not know what to say or do for the best. You just don't know exactly how she is feeling.

I know it seems like the easy answer latch on to her to project your anger but in the longrun it can't be helping. Have you had any firm of counselling for your losses?

Cheby · 31/01/2018 07:23

Sorry for your loss OP.

I’m the first to pile in on a shitty MIL, but I genuinely can’t see what this woman has done wrong. She is responding to you, she’s keeping your confidence, she is saying the right things (in your own words!) and she’s trying to be reassuring by saying you need to be hopeful and determined.

Honestly, unless there is a huge back story, I don’t think she has done anything wrong here. It sounds like she’s trying to be supportive without stepping over the line into interfering.

Letseatgrandma · 31/01/2018 07:29

I don’t really see what she’s done wrong-you sound like you despise her so much the poor woman can’t win.

I’m not sure your parents being devastated is too helpful either. When I m/c a second time (at 12 weeks), I don’t really remember how my (very supportive) parents felt as they were just worried about me. They probably were upset in private, I suppose.

You’ve been through a rough ride but I’d focus on healing, not directing hatred to your MIL.

KayaG · 31/01/2018 07:45

YABVU

She's sent sympathetic and supportive texts and asked after you. She hasn't done anything wrong.

I'm sorry for your loss but you are being very unfair. Poor woman.

Laiste · 31/01/2018 07:47

DH and i struggled to conceive for 4 years (no IVF, one late mc during that time) and it drove me mental. Literally. No one could do or say the right thing. (even DH to be honest) There was no right thing to say.

Your MIL is not going to be able to give you what you want or need OP. Be very very grateful that you have a set of supportive parents. I mean that kindly.

MargaretCavendish · 31/01/2018 07:53

I'm not sure how helpful many of these comments are. Especially the ones that endlessly pile on about how unfair OP s being in expecting more compassion, those that compare her loss to that of a woman who already has children, or those in which people declare how stoic they were.

You might be being a bit unreasonable, but I think that's allowed at the moment - you've been through not just a horrendous experience, but an awful few years. You and your DH should be your absolute priority at the moment, so turn to the people that you are finding helpful and withdraw from those that aren't - you don't need to send MIL updates or texts if all it seems to do is upset you. Maybe in time you'll feel differently about her response, maybe you won't. But right now do what you need to take care of yourself and get through without worrying about how reasonable you're being - grieving people are unreasonable very often, it comes with the territory.

Sarahh2014 · 31/01/2018 07:55

I don't think you'll ever feel that anyone is grieving as much as you are that's only natural

NoParticularPattern · 31/01/2018 07:55

I’m so sorry for your loss OP, but I think you’re being a little harsh to your MIL. My MIL is a genuinely lovely person who actually worries about the wellbeing of pretty much the whole world, but even she dropped some absolute clangers when we lost our baby 18 months ago. To the point where she said “oh well that’s a relief that it’s only a miscarriage” when I told her it wasn’t ectopic. I hated her for it for a good while, but she just didn’t know what to say or do to make it better and was just trying the best with what she had.

I know how hard miscarriage and baby loss is, and it can make you horribly bitter and skew your views of people, but I do think you need to let it go a little bit. It isn’t her fault that something awful happened, and no amount of being furious with her is going to undo what has already happened. She is likely just trying her best along with everyone else.

Trailedanderror · 31/01/2018 07:58

Maybe Flowers
Sometimes anger can be a nice distraction in awful situations. Have you got friends in real life to talk to?

Abracadabraapileofbollocks · 31/01/2018 07:59

I've experienced multiple losses. In my experience noone says or does anything right because you are focused on nothing and everything all at once. It is a massively isolating experience, the quickest way to lose friends etc too. Sorry for your loss Flowers

Sevendown · 31/01/2018 08:00

Yabu

You are upset and angry at the loss.

Mil has done nothing wrong.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 31/01/2018 08:27

MargaretCavendish, there's 'helpful' in the sense of confirming the OP's thoughts/feelings and 'helpful' in the sense of providing a change of perspective. I think many comments here are certainly helpful in the second sense, if not the first.

OP, what you've been through is beyond awful, and I'm very sorry to hear of it. I do agree with PPs, however, that you are projecting your dislike of your MIL and your disappointment at how your relationship is onto your perspective on her actions. While a little unreasonableness is understandable and inevitable in your current situation, an entrenched view of things like it sounds you have may end up damaging the relationship more.

One thing I learned from six miscarriages is that people absolutely do say the crassest things, and also that it is very easy - because nobody can salve your pain, and any attempt to can seem offensive - to interpret things as crass that, objectively, aren't really. People are imperfect, struggle to express themselves, can't always cope with strong emotions. Your MIL isn't like you, or your 'devastated' parents - and again like a PP I wonder how helpful to you that response is. As much as you're hurting now, it is unreasonable to expect others to mirror your grief or instinctively to pick up on your 'right' way to respond.

I wish you all the best going forward, and hope that you get your baby one day.

MargaretCavendish · 31/01/2018 08:40

I really doubt that any of these posts are 'changing the perspective' of someone who's currently in the midst of grief. What they might be doing, though - and what a lot of them seem to be setting out to do - is making her feel guilty, or that she's overreacting to her pain. I don't think either of those are helpful.

Alisvolatpropiis · 31/01/2018 08:40

I think you are projecting a little here.

I’m very sorry for your loss Flowers

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 31/01/2018 08:41

Firstly, I'm very sorry for your loss, I have been there, and it is devastating.
Your MIL, will also be hurting, although in a very different way to you, but still valid.
I imagine she is trying to stay in the background, to give you space. It could be so very easy, to say the wrong thing, should she involve herself more.
Sending you much love and strength OP. 💐