Mil and miscarriage

[Maybeimabitsensitive]

Maybe I’m being U.

I’ll keep it short. Been TTC for 5 years. Got pregnant after IVF and miscarried last week at 11 weeks. Devastated doesn’t cover it. MIL hasn’t exactly been supportive throughout our infertility experience - I have given her so many “benefit of the doubt” moments and opportunities to know what’s happening but she just doesn’t seem to get it and never offers support. Whenever I text her to update her (not so much lately as she’s not interested) she’ll say the right things and that’s it. Always feels a bit like she’s just saying what any polite person would say.

We told her about the pregnancy at 6 weeks as we’d told my (v supportive) parents and it didn’t feel right excluding her. She didn’t text or call me but told DH I’m text that she was so happy but wouldn’t be telling his stepdad (who she’s been with since DH was 4) as she wouldn’t trust him to not tell people

Fast forward to ourmiscarriage and she sends me a text saying she’s sorry and that I need to be hopeful and be determined. I already am, idiot!!! She told DH again that she wouldn’t tell his stepdad about it. Like we care!! How she could be poker face over it I’ll never know. My parents were devastated. Since then I’ve heard nothing from her. Aibu to think this is really fucking shit and I should be able to expect more???

I'm sorry for your loss OP and you need to give yourself time to grieve. This will probably include getting very angry, because your situation is deeply unfair. Nevertheless, your MIL hasn't done anything wrong and it isn't fair to direct your anger at her.

I'm so sorry . Really, really, sorry.

She's not the MIL you want, but she's the one you have, and in this instance it doesn't seem she's guilty of anything more than just not saying the right thing.

I actually like that text, hopeful and determined described my own journey through rmcs. My own (lovely) dm said how my house wasn’t big enough for a baby anyway when I had mc1. She hadn’t been where I was and just couldn’t say the right thing.
I think you need to accept your mil is not going to be a support for you on this journey. She may feel uncomfortable hearing the details of your treatment, she may come from a time when women didn’t even discuss periods.
Very sorry for your loss OP, also very normal to be angry at the entire world, it’s just so unfair.

Sorry for your loss OP.

I really can't see where MIL has gone wrong tbh. Sometimes people don't know what to say in these circumstances(speaking from experience). Maybe you could reach out to her for support, she might think you want some space just now.

I'm so sorry for you loss

I cannot see what MIL has done wrong though? She may handle things differently or say different things to what you'd expect, it doesn't mean she cares any less. I'm sure she's trying her best.

Go easy on yourself, while you recover from your sad loss.

I couldn't have children and it was pre IVF days so have never had a miscarriage and can only imagine how horrendous it is. I have to agree with PP that everyone responds to events like this differently and cannot see from your posts what your MiL has done or said that was wrong.

Hi Op
So sorry for your loss. I understand how you feel, I have unfortunately had several miscarriages. What I do know, is nobody will understand, feel your anguish or say the right thing to you at the moment. It's hard for anyone else to comprehend. You mil sounds like she is trying to make the right noises, bit whatever she says will irk you as you are suffering right now. Switch off from her and focus on you and your feelings and moving through your grief right now. I hope you feel better soon.

I'm so sorry about your miscarriage OP.
It sounds like you're angry and directing it at your MIL. Of course you have every right to be angry, it's natural after what you've been doing though but I'm struggling to see what MIL has done wrong here.

I'm so sorry for your loss op. I too went through several years of infertility, ivf/inside and miscarriages. It's awful, truly awful, but, and I don't say this lightly, i wonder if you are projecting your anger at the situation onto your mil? I understand that she's never connected with you, but that might just be who she is and you knew that prior to this. Calling her an idiot for saying you need to be hopeful and determined isn't very nice, she's trying to help you feel better, which I know won't feel like much help right now, but she's presumably never been in this situation before either and might be finding it hard to put it into words, or she doesn't want to upset you further, plus she's not wrong.

Take a breath, get angry, cry, scream, throw cushions, whatever you need to do. Feel those emotions and allow yourself to grieve. Cut your mil some slack, this is difficult for everyone, which sounds tough right now as you're right in the middle of it, but I've been there and on reflection, those around me had to grieve in their own way too.

Take care of yourself, chin up

IVF/icsi, not inside.