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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend sleeping with toddler still awake

195 replies

Pinkypieeyed · 19/01/2018 23:14

Bit worried about a friend who is pregnant with her third. She has a 7 year old and a 3 year old. She's been going to bed in the day and setting an alarm to wake her up in time for the school run. However her 3 year old is being left to her own devices during this time. Should i talk to her or AIBU in thinking this is potentially unsafe?

OP posts:
LadyBunnysWig · 19/01/2018 23:16

What exactly are you going to say? How do you know this? Have you witnessed the child alone during the day while the mother was sleeping?

MyBrilliantDisguise · 19/01/2018 23:17

That is really unsafe. Could she put the 3 year old in nursery?

meandmytinfoilhat · 19/01/2018 23:18

How do you know she hasn't gated off a safe space? Or she's having a nap on the couch with one eye open?

ConfusedButInLove · 19/01/2018 23:19

Maybe the child is going to sleep when she does. It could be nap time.
You could maybe ask if there is anything you could do to help her.
But you need to tread very carefully with this one I think.

DuckAndPancakes · 19/01/2018 23:20

I nap on the sofa whilst my one year old runs around in the gated room with me.
I’m exhausted and need the sleep. Can’t afford childcare and no supportive friends (or unsupportive ones that will make threads on mumsnet) to offer to help out and watch him for me so I can get some sleep.

I also slept through my alarm to pick my DD up this afternoon. Luckily her dad got her.

theconstantinoplegardener · 19/01/2018 23:22

I think it depends on the circumstances. If she's taking herself off to bed and leaving the toddler playing unattended in another room, that would be dangerous. But if she's dozing on the sofa next to the toddler who is watching their favourite TV programme, I would have thought that's fairly safe.

Original poster
Pinkypieeyed · 19/01/2018 23:22

she has told me a couple of times that she goes to bed in the day and her child has some activities to do. There's no gated areas in her house except stairgates which i don't think she closes. She's said to a friend of mine about being in bed and setting an alarm but being woken up early by her child also. So this is normal for her but I have concerns...

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkypieeyed · 19/01/2018 23:23

Three year old also has 30 hours at preschool per week...

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 19/01/2018 23:23

It depends on how long/where she is sleeping and if she has made her house safe and the child.

Birdsgottafly · 19/01/2018 23:25

If the three year old has 30 hours Nursery, when is the child being left?

Original poster
Pinkypieeyed · 19/01/2018 23:26

That's my main concern I don't think the house is made safe - the child has access to all rooms upstairs and downstairs even the kitchen. She's going to bed in her bedroom. And setting an alarm. I would need to ask her but i reckon she's sleeping for a couple of hours. Am going to talk to her regardless but wanted opinions. I'm not an unsupportive friend and have gone over and above for her recently.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkypieeyed · 19/01/2018 23:28

She has 30 hours available but am not sure she's using them all. 3 year old goes early and stays late to make pick up and drop off of the older child easier. She doesn't go for 1 day a week.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkypieeyed · 19/01/2018 23:31

How do I broach it?

OP posts:
JackmanAdmirer · 19/01/2018 23:33

Dont. Your friend won't thank-you for implying she's a bad parent.
It's really none of your business. Plus your speculating!

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 19/01/2018 23:33

Maybe you should ask a bit more? When she says “activities” she may well mean a movie that the child is completely absorbed in. When I was pregnant and exhausted I used to put something on for DS and he would watch it in bed with me. I’d take a little nap in his bed with him and a gate closed on his baby-proofed bedroom door. She might be doing something similar. Not much point having gates if she never closes them?

sourpatchkid · 19/01/2018 23:34

FFS I'm sick of the "it's none of your business" line. Child safety is everyone's business

If you think the 3 year old isn't safe, talk to her. If you can offer help do.

Original poster
Pinkypieeyed · 19/01/2018 23:35

She's told me directly. I'm not speculating. Iv e been in her house often enough to know she can't block off areas of the house. It's worrying me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkypieeyed · 19/01/2018 23:37

Just wondering how the best way to approach it is as don't want to upset her but do want the child to be safe.

OP posts:
PerspicaciaTick · 19/01/2018 23:38

Can we have a bit of a panic about 3 year olds who wake in the night and do their own thing? Or is it is just doing their own thing during daylight hours that is dangerous?

beargryllshasabigrope · 19/01/2018 23:39

Might she be exaggerating? When I was heavily pregnant I used to have the occasional snooze on the sofa while my 17mo roamed relatively freely. I never told anyone the ins and outs, at most id say it was a nap- so no one would have known which room I was sleeping in. But my toddler was always around me and I'd have woken in an instant if anything was wrong.

Bettyswitch · 19/01/2018 23:44

Why dont you offer to help her out op?
Tell her your aware of the situation and if she needs a hand then your willing to help seeing as your concerned about her dc!

I feel as though this isnt the answer you are looking for op.

JackmanAdmirer · 19/01/2018 23:47

You are speculating because she does have baby gates but you THINK she doesn't shut them... how do you know that?

OhCalamity · 20/01/2018 00:02

She may not shut the gates when you are around, but I would bet that she does it when she's napping. Or she's managing to get the three yo to nap too.

Think about it, is there any 3yo who would leave their mum alone long enough to actually fall into a deep enough sleep requiring an alarm?

She probably does what we all do - bring the kid up, corral them somewhere safe with Paw Patrol on a tablet and taken a cat nap snooze.

tiptopteepe · 20/01/2018 00:14

Either offer to help her care for the child occassionaly or say nothing. If you arent going to offer to help so she can rest then what is the point of criticising her.
She wont react well. Im currently pregnant and have a toddler and its is incredibly tiring. I have fallen asleep during the day before. My house has no safety gates or anything but i would consider it to be safe. My toddler has never really had safety gates so is used to going up and down stairs. My kitchen is open but nothing dangerous is kept in reach even if my son were to climb on a chair. My oven is switched off at the main unless im using it. I can hear my child from every part of the house were he to call for me. My front and back doors and windows are always locked unless in use.

Thing is my toddler sometimes gets up before me and my husband wake up in the morning. Not often but he has done sometimes. That is no different from him being alone for a while if mum accidently falls asleep. I assume dangerous things are kept up very high or locked in her house. Not having stair gates does not mean a house is dangerous.

And i seriously dont believe that she would actually need that alarm with a toddler there. Toddlers will wake you up if they are bored or want something and trust me that is very regularly. She probs just has an alarm to make extra sure she could never sleep thru school run not because she can sleep so deeply that she actually needs it.

I honestly think this is just reality for people who dont have any family help and who are pregnant and have toddlers. Pregnancy makes you incredibly tired and I doubt many women have not at some point fallen asleep on the sofa whilst caring for their toddler in this situation.

Try not to be so alarmist about it and just offer to help if you can.

tiptopteepe · 20/01/2018 00:25

i also read that if a child has reached the stage of being able to climb which at 3 they will have, then stair gates make stairs much more dangerous. If the toddler climbs on the stair gate and falls they are falling from a much greater height and are less likely to roll, theyll just fall straight down which causes much worse injuries than simply slipping on the stairs.