Friend sleeping with toddler still awake

[Pinkypieeyed]

Bit worried about a friend who is pregnant with her third. She has a 7 year old and a 3 year old. She's been going to bed in the day and setting an alarm to wake her up in time for the school run. However her 3 year old is being left to her own devices during this time. Should i talk to her or AIBU in thinking this is potentially unsafe?

[ittakes2]

Yanbu

[MotherofaSurvivor]

Very well said Buckys

[mathanxiety]

There was a reference to a previous injury in the post about removal of the child. You and Open read the same post and formed a different conclusion. You think it perpetuates a myth that SS swoop in and remove children, while it has been explained in subsequent posts that the judge took the sleeping mother into account along with the other factors when deciding the best interests of the child. It was a case with a combination of factors, which has been made very clear.


(DailyMaileatmyshit Sat 20-Jan-18 00:59:47 is the initial post).

[SpoonfulOfJam]

This is an interesting thread. In terms of what our expectations of a 3 year old is.

DS1 is 4 now, but at 3 and a half, I showed him how to open the front door. We keep the key in the door.

I have a condition which could easily leave me on the floor, unable to move. How would a paramedic get into my secure house if my child was unable to open the door. If there was a fire, I'd want that escape route available to him.

He is sensible, shy around strangers. So I suppose I trust him.

I think my 3 year old is perfectly capable of watching a film, playing with toys, while I had a nap.

[MotherofaSurvivor]

MsWana Exactly! As I stated below, I have ME and other conditions but I ALWAYS put my child FIRST!!!!! @Mummyoflittledragon is highly exaggerating! If ME was like that then social workers would've been informed by various doctors and would certainly be removing her child. As you rightly say, someone as sick as she dramatically described wouldn't be for enough to look after a 3yr Old child whether they had it before having child or not! 🙄🤭

[windchimesabotage]

MinorRsole exactly the initial post made out like the child was removed because the mum was asleep on the sofa and there was no extra info. Only when the validity of that story was questioned did the extra info appear.

motherofasurvivor what on earth are you on about! I have a 3 year old and i also have a three story house with no stairgates. I have never used stairgates. I agree that they make stairs more unsafe unless they are used for crawling babies. Any child that can climb would in my opinion be put in more danger from them and so I dont use them. I do not follow my child around the house constantly and they go up and down to their room as the wish.

I personally do not think the OP has enough info to accurately judge the situation so either she gets more info or simply offers to help. Getting alarmed about this is useless and reporting to nspcc is ridiculous because as other posters have said there is a vast difference between someone dozing off a bit whilst their child knows where they are and can easily wake them... to someone locking themselves in their room in a very deep sleep for hours on end leaving the child to roam free in a non child proofed house. And actually the OP does not seem to have enough info to tell which of these or what mixture of these scenarios are occurring.

To me it doesnt sound like she can be shutting herself away because in the OPs original post she said the mother told her she had been woken by the child before the alarm for nursery pickup went off. Which implies she isnt deeply asleep and she isnt shut away from her child.

[Monoblock67]

The social worker who told the story-thank you for sharing it because I think it highlights real life issues!! The poster wasn’t the one who removed the child, the judge did, based on the FACTS not the suggestions. It’s not as black and white as ‘Mum took a nap so had her kids taken off her’ for God’s sake there was previous allegations of physical abuse! The judge assessed all the facts and made their decision.

And those of you saying that it’s perfectly fine to leave children unsupervised while you sleep, you may as well go the whole hog and leave the house altogether, because when you’re sleeping usually upstairs you may as well not be in the house at all. I work nights at times, there are days when I’ve been up all day, worked all night, came home and have been up all day with the kids, not once have I ever gone to sleep. You don’t do that to children no matter how safe you think they may be.

[OlennasWimple]

Monoblock - quite! If you wouldn't pop to the shop for 20 mins leaving a 3yo on their own, you shouldn't go upstairs for a sleep leaving the same 3yo to rampage (potentially) around the house

[mathanxiety]

It doesn't necessarily imply that she managed to hear the child from upstairs at all, Windchimesabotage.

It could well be that the child went to her room, banged on the door, shook her, or bounced on the bed, or called loudly, or cried.

A lot of damage could happen downstairs with little or no noise to interrupt someone who anticipated sleeping so soundly that she set an alarm.

[windchimesabotage]

mathanxiety no it doesnt without a doubt, but it could! The OP simply doesnt have enough info to make it worth reporting to the nspcc or the school as pp were suggesting. If the child seems happy and fine literally all shes got is a few comments that could be interpreted any number of ways. In this situation its not worth reporting because the report would probably make the mothers life more busy and stressful and add to the problem and even maybe end the friendship. So imo the only way forward is to find out more or more effectively, to offer to actually help.
I know the OP has not suggested reporting the mum but many pp have done and have reacted in quite an over the top manner to this I think.

[Chocolate50]

The OP asked how to broach the subject with said 3 yo DM. I would ask her if she's worried about sleeping so much & does she worry about her 3 YO. I think the fact that her friend has mentioned it could mean she herself is concerned. She might be looking for some help with it.
That way op can be supportive to her friend.
I don't think it would be something that the SS would ignore but probably they would get the health visitor involved & try to make the situation safe for the child.

[MotherofaSurvivor]

Windchimes Eh?! I never mentioned stair gates?!?!?!

[holey]

I've always seen it as my responsibility to be awake and alert at all times, which is also why I'm virtually teetotal now as I was always paranoid about being unable to react appropriately if the DCs needed me. (A mum and her 3 DCs at my children's school all died in a house fire. The mother had been out drinking.)
There was one time when I'd been up all night throwing up and felt like death warmed up. DH had gone to work and I managed to walk the eldest two to school and the youngest to playgroup and then came home and dozed on the sofa for the morning before having to collect the youngest at lunchtime. He was 2. In the afternoon I felt so bad I just let him play while I dozed on the sofa. He was in the same room as me and I wasn't fully asleep but I felt so badly that I'd let him down that it still worries me now and he has just turned 14.

[Banananananananaaaa]

I have just skimmed the last few pages but read the first few. I can't believe so many people are minimising this. There is no circumstance under which it is ok to go to sleep while caring for a 3 year old. No grey areas. It is not ok, 3 year olds cannot keep themselves safe. The possibilities are endless and terrifying. My 3 year old is very capable of trying to climb up to high cupboards, go outside, make toast, play with plugs and much much more. He also mindlessly wraps things round his neck. Oh and tries to slide down our banister. He also loves baths and has in the past decided to run himself one. The though of falling asleep while alone at home with him is the stuff of awful anxiety dreams. Never ok, and not cool to pretend it is.
OP if you genuinely believe your friend is sleeping for up to 2 hours while her D'S roams the house unchecked you need to act now.

[pinkhorse]

A 3 year old is nowhere near old enough to be left alone so the parent can nap.

[LovelyBranches]

I have a 3 year old and a 11 month old. I am living the exhaustion and I enjoy the two days that DS is at nursery so that I can nap when the baby does. I would leave my DS alone downstairs whilst I showered but napping in bed is something different altogether and I wouldn’t do that.

My DS is sensible, doesn’t climb on things. He wouldn’t even wander into the kitchen if he was playing in the living room and I was upstairs but still, I am the adult in charge and leaving a child unsupervised so that I could sleep wouldn’t factor into my plans.

[Jazzy11]

I feel like everybody is being too harsh on the OP... okay maybe you don’t agree but she is only trying to look out for a 3 year old ! Even if you do it and it’s fine, for someone that doesn’t do that it may be worrying and it will be on her head if somethings happens. I can see from both ways, the OP was just asking for some advice she doesn’t need you to be horrible to her.

[StepAwayFromGoogle]

Christ, can't believe there are so many people on here saying it's perfectly ok to leave a 3 year old to their own devices while they have a nap!!! No it bloody isn't. You don't leave a 3 year old unsupervised ever, stairgates or no stairgates. I don't give a toss how tired you are.

OP, I'd say something to your friend. Next time she mentions it say something like 'Sweetheart, I know you are absolutely shattered but I really don't think it's the best idea to do that. I know you think DS/DD is safe but anything could happen. Is there anyone that could help out? Could you get a nanny for a couple of hours each afternoon? Don't like to think of what could happen if they get into something they shouldn't or injure themselves.'

[Mummyoflittledragon]

@MotherofaSurvivor

I’m surprised of your diagnosis I assumed everyone with full blown ME has sensory issues. These are caused by the body being on high alert as it has to use all resources all of the time. Additionally, our bodies do not recover as quickly as a correctly functioning body. There are people, who have ME very severely. So much so that they are completely confined to bed, wear blindfolds and ear defenders in a darkened room. Have you not read about them?

I had it nowhere nearly as badly as this. Mine was severe and at the moment it is moderate to severe. At my worst, I was incapable of placing an online food order, I actually couldn’t do it for a couple of years. I have very little memory of two months of my life. Perhaps you have it more mildly.

As I said, sensory issues are a reality with ME. If someone screams near me or shouts in my ear for example, it can cause totally sensory overload causing me to collapse and unable to move.

Please do not assume you speak for all of us just because you have a diagnosis.

What you have said about fellow sufferers is disgraceful. You do not know my child, the precautions my dh and I took, her maturity levels at the time and her personality.

[cherish123]

She sounds a bit pathetic.

Is the 3yr old sleeping too? If not, it is a bit irresponsible.

[Annette69]

If your 3 year old is up making sandwiches in the middle of the night, then sorry there is a problem there.

[Pooppants]

It's not u business really, the kid is safe, otherwise something bad would happened already. I did same when I was at home with my 3 year old. I napped for couple hours with him on the room next to me, he would play or join me, to tell the true was never a nap, more like a lie in and dose off, any noise would get me up and if he came ask me any question I would answer, on those couple hours I would have a half hour nap,but was nice to relax in a dark room and close my eyes. I also put the alarm more to remember to pick up the other from school, otherwise I would be checking the clock every 5 minutes. I would put the alarm even if I didn't intend to have a nap.

[Baubletrouble43]

Get a nanny for the afternoon
Lol