13YO DD is overweight. Need advice on how to handle it.

[needadvicereweight]

My DD has just been weighed. She's very tall for her age, at 5 foot 9, and well made, strong and stocky, but she's 14 stone.

I'm devastated. I've been trying to deal with this for a year years, to no avail.

She won't eat meals that we eat. She must be eating in secret. I never see her eat any rubbish food. She doesn't go out. She has loads of friends, but we are quite rural so not close to them.

I have two other DDs who are a normal weight. With DD I think it's a lot of factors, as she has had some anxiety issues (CAMHS helped).

I need advice on how to handle it, from someone who has been there. I feel like a failure. She is so headstrong and I give in so easily.

I don't know if it's best to be honest and say you're overweight, or is this dangerous to say to an almost 14 yo?

Amy advice?

At 14 stone she's fairly overweight and is bound to be aware of it anyway.

I would therefore be honest and tell her you want to help her address her weight .

I'm thinking she must know she's overweight. When you say she won't eat the meals you have, what does she have? Can you do a whole family health kick so she doesn't feel it's all about her?

How does she get this rubbish food? Stop buying anything rubbish so she can't raid the cupboards. Could she join Slimming World with you?

I think she knows she's overweight but won't admit it. To be honest, I was very shocked she weighted so much. I would have said about 12 stone. She carries it well as she's tall and well made.

We had chicken dinner tonight, but she wouldn't eat it. She had a packet of pasta and sauce.

We are doing a health kick. If she doesn't eat what we are eating I normally say she can just have toast. However, her weight is telling me she must be eating other things whilst in her room or at school.

She can't just have toast.

What you could do is talk to her about what foods she does like, work out which would make a healthier diet, and get her involved in cooking them.

Why was she weighed out of interest? I agree that she’s probably aware that she’s overweight. What does she eat if she doesn’t eat what the family are eating? It is very, very tricky. If she was younger it would be easier but you are in a mine field with a teenager. I was overweight as a teenager and my parents sent me to see ‘soneone’ who prescribed appetite suppressants, it majorly messed me up and I ended up with even more problems later on. Tread very carefully and get professional advice.

She’ll be eating loads at school, I’m continually amazed by the amount of crap teenagers buy at school. I wouldn’t shy away from saying overweight but might ask if she would like your help to deal with it?

In which case OP needs to get all 3 DDs involved in cooking healthy meals. Being healthy is about more than being a lower clothes size.

How active is your DD OP? Does she do any sport at the minute?

She was weighed as we were at the doctor for something unrelated. They weighed and measured her to work put a medication dosage. The nurse did say, don't worry about your weight as you are very tall and it will even out as you get older. I tend to disagree.

That's what I'm worried about whatschool, she's almost 14. I want to help her without causing her any upset or damaging her relationship with food in the future.

How much toast does she normally have? She will be eating in school, on the way to school, way home from school or at lunches if they're allowed off site. I got fat as a child because I bought crap from the sweetshop, ate chips or bread/hummus every lunchtime and also had undiagnosed PCOS so my insulin resistance and cortisol levels were high. I walked everywhere though and had a paper round so my weight only went up another lb every time I had a particularly spectacular binge week.

It's accumulative really, so it wont be like she eats a tonne of crap all the time, it could be just a week of eating a few hundred calories extra every day and she'll have gained half a lb here and there and it all builds up.

She is very lazy. Constantly on Xbox. Not interested in dressing up, going out etc. I think she's depressed, but she insists she's okay.

I've tried so many times to talk with her, to engage, but she shuts down, and closes me out.

It’s crap the nurse said that. Not helpful at all. Obviously she shouldn’t have lectured and made her feel terrible, but not good advice to say it will even out, it won’t!

So, School, what’s the lunch system and does she take money?

We by is she allowed to eat separate meals? You know your daughter best but I'd be playing hardball with her. Why not start the family on slimming world but just call it healthy eating, I wouldn't mention her weight at all, she's too young for that and you could make the situation worse but insist the family eat together and if she doesn't like what's served fine, she can help herself to heathy snacks after an hour, or wait until the next healthy meal.

Cross post. It does sound like she may possibly be depressed and is using Food to make her feel better?

It's likely that if she's just having toast when she doesn't like the meals you have she is still hungry and so may well be eating other things secretly.

I speak from experience when I say there is really no way for you to tell her she is overweight without it being devastating for her. Moreover, it won't necessarily help her to change her habits.

I would address with her the fact that she doesn't eat the same meals as you. See if you can work with her to find options that she will eat, even if it means limiting your own options for a bit.

I would also try incorporating activities as a family - Sunday walks, swimming trips, a cycle etc. sell these as family treats to get her on board.

Good luck OP - I hope you and she are ok x

We have been giving her money on account, but stopped that. I think she sneaks money, change here and there, Birthday money etc.

When she gets in from school she's not hungry, which makes me think she's eating rubbish that I don't know about.

I agree with removing rubbish food from the House. If it’s not there she can’t eat it, easier said than done though.

Why not ask her what her favourite meals are and then make healthy versions so she feels like she is eating the things she enjoys!

It is whichschool as the others can eat them in moderation, so why should they miss out?

Goodness, it's a mine field.

Thanks everyone for all your advice. I'm reading and digesting it all.

Cross post again. OP if you think she is taking money and using it for Food she’s showing classic compulsive overeating signs- especially if she’s then ‘not hungry’ after school, she’s maybe bingeing on stuff on the way home. I remember this so clearly as a teenager. Buying a whole tub of ice cream and sneaking it up to my room to eat in 5 minutes. Buying chocolate and sweets and hiding them. It has take me YEARS to stop this and every so often I do it again. I don’t have any advice really but I feel for you and your DD.

She'll be either taking money and buying crap from school or like my DS getting it from his friends (as we stopped his money to stop him from buying stuff).
We've addressed it by buying him an exercise bike, explaining calories I.e a doughnut is x calories and you need to use the bike for x mins to work it off.
It's hard but it's slowly getting through, however he is interested in his appearance and was very embarrassed that he couldn't fit into 'skinny' pants.
He has to eat our meals, he has no choice about leaving them and eating his choice - simply not allowed. I also do not buy any snacks or crisps to avoid temptation for me & him.

You could try having each child having a tub of snacks whereby you put say x amount in each at the start of the week, and when it’s gone it’s gone? Even though the others eat junk in moderation it’s still wise to keep an eye on it anyway? I reallly meant getting rid of stuff like pasta in sauce sachets etc.

Partypopper what if he doesn't eat them? I've done that, she won't eat it. She just won't. She'd rather starve. Then probably eat rubbish when she can, that I don't know about.

Love the idea of the tub of snacks.