13YO DD is overweight. Need advice on how to handle it.

[needadvicereweight]

My DD has just been weighed. She's very tall for her age, at 5 foot 9, and well made, strong and stocky, but she's 14 stone.

I'm devastated. I've been trying to deal with this for a year years, to no avail.

She won't eat meals that we eat. She must be eating in secret. I never see her eat any rubbish food. She doesn't go out. She has loads of friends, but we are quite rural so not close to them.

I have two other DDs who are a normal weight. With DD I think it's a lot of factors, as she has had some anxiety issues (CAMHS helped).

I need advice on how to handle it, from someone who has been there. I feel like a failure. She is so headstrong and I give in so easily.

I don't know if it's best to be honest and say you're overweight, or is this dangerous to say to an almost 14 yo?

Amy advice?

Cook together with her?

My 15yr old would live off pot noodle, crisps, cheese and chocolate if I let him!

I don't want to be controlling about food, but I do expect him to eat a normal.dinner with us. If he does not like what I.cook, he can help.me cook something else the next day. He does food tech at school, which helps.

It's not easy being that age, and I agree that the thing they need most is love and not "control". But do involve her in cooking and meal prep.

It is whichschool as the others can eat them in moderation, so why should they miss out?
Because your daughter has an issue??? It's no loss but helps your dd??

Exercise is good for mood and even if it won’t necessarily result in weight loss it seems to normalise appetite.

One of my DC is a snacker and loves sweet food and salty crap but also swims about 8km a week and after a swim session she wants proper food. She’s nearly 10 and although never technically overweight she’s previously had a bit extra but that’s gobe too.

Also, and I know it’s easier said than done, if there’s a form of vigorous activity she enjoys it’ll help change her relationship with her body. As in, there’ll hopefully be more of a focus on what it can do rather than how it looks.

Does your daughter like dancing? If so, the Just Dance games (available for the Xbox) are very good. Most of the newer ones allowed you to play online too or if you have enough controllers against your family. It's a really good form of exercise and you don't need to do it in front of others.

Don’t take her Xbox off her, it won’t solve anything. You mention that she’s been left to herself as you other dc has health issues. What time do you spend with her? Why don’t you try taking her swimming, a cooking class or something out of the home together. Try to focus on something positive you can do & build up your relationship. She might be willing to open up to you more, that’s what you need to focus on.

It seems to me that it is a lot more complicated than diet or exercise and you need to look at her wellbeing as a whole. The nurse was absolutely right to be kind about her weight as fat shaming helps no-one, especially at her age. I would say don't focus on her diet per se at the moment but try and spend more time with her (this will take time if there is a lot of resistance initially) and find out what makes her tick, what makes her happy and unhappy. The aim is to get her interested in something active (perhaps something she liked doing previously and gave up?) and nudge her towards a healthier lifestyle and self care.

You should be prioritising your daughter who is already worryingly overweight over your wish to ensure that your other children don't "miss out" on snacks

I agree.

The ‘treat box’ idea is bizarre to me. As a child, our entire ‘treat’ intake for the week was one small bag of mixed sweets on a Sunday. And that’s only one generation ago.

I don’t think it’s necessary for each child to have his/her own box of treats for the week. People talk about their child eating a small packet of crisps or chocolate bar every day. Whether the child is overweight or not, it’s unhealthy, in my view.

Children don’t need treats every single day.

She said, "I don't like anything you make." It's going to be a long road.

Then ask her to show you what she'd like to eat and help you make it. Tell her that you want all the family to enjoy your food and need her help to achieve this.

Has she had counselling for her anxiety and depression.? Maybe this might help her express her feelings and therefore need food less.

What about trying those recipe boxes (gusto etc), she can cook it if she wants (they make it so easy to follow step by step) or you, they are pretty healthy and choosing clear options from a number of choices may appeal to her?

By the way I don’t think you sound controlling, it sounds like she gets her own way a lot because you’re worried about her anxiety and she kicks up such a fuss (allowing her to eat toast if not eating main meal), it sounds like she’s using food to assert some control of her own.

You're worried about anxiety and depression, but this sounds more like an eating disorder. Does she not like the meals you make, or does she really have a problem with eating in front of people? I wouldn't be too sure that the issue is the food itself. Does she eat when you go out to restaurants? Does she eat with her friends?

I don't think it would be unreasonable to say to her: you are not eating much with the family, but you are not underweight so you are obviously getting enough food. What and when are you eating?

She could be avoiding meal times and then bingeing because she is uncomfortable eating around people and already has food issues. If she ate family meals and was overweight then I wouldn't say this but it sounds strange to me that you seem to never see her eat and yet she's putting on weight.

Been there. In a big way. My mother, who had her own weight issues didn't want me to go down the same path so thought she was doing the correct thing when she made me count calories aged 11. I was to try and stay around 800 calories. She and I ate different to my father and brother....'you cant have potatoes, you need to lose weight...your brother can have rice because he doesn't need to lose weight'' was a commonly heard comment at our table. She would buy me clothes a size too small so they would feel tight and I would want to lose weight.

Ironically I wasn't overweight. I was a little chubby. I was a young pubescent girl...a teen....and I wasn't allowed to eat sweets or chocolates...EVER! So as soon as I could, I started to steal or buy those things I craved. I'd buy chocolate, eat and hide the evidence. I'd steal cooking chocolate from the cupboard. My mum would make me nasty stinking salads for my school lunch...with tuna and homemade coleslaw. I'd open the box up and everyone would make comments about the smell. So I started throwing my lunch away as I walked to school. Then I'd buy sandwiches in the canteen or shop....and chocolates. And basically I started to binge eat. If my parents went out, I'd absolutely ram my face full of food...cereal, bread, chocolates...anything...absolutely anything. I piled the weight on....I'd diet....I became the worlds best liar. You could state right in the eyes and say 'you've not lost any weight'...and even though I'd piled on 5 stone, I'd swear til the cows came home that I had lost 7 stone.

It stayed with me my entire life. Even though I am now more or less a healthy weight, I still have a huge weight issue. I cannot, and will never see food as fuel. Its on my mind all the time. I still eat secretively....I never eat 'bad foods' in front of people...never. All that is kept for private moments. I have in the past eaten my sons crisps, chocolates etc whilst he's asleep....and gone out the next day and replaced it as if it never happened. Food consumes my daily life.

So what should my mum have done? I've thought about this a lot and I look at how I handle food with my son. It's about moderation. I allow my son crisps, chocolates, cake, sweets etc etc. In moderation. 'Yes, you can have a packet of crisps today but no more for a few days okay? They're just very unhealthy love, I want you to be healthy and not like mummy was'. I let him have chocolate, but again, a small amount. And I load the house up with other treats. As much fruit as he wants....low fat yoghurts...I buy him fruit treats....pomegranet....watermelon......sharon fruit - special not every day fruits.

If you think she is secretively eating, then she has already got a mental issue with her food and eating. Make sure she eats like everyone else at the table....let her have treats....don't make her feel she isn't allowed or she isn't worthy of them.

Put the emphasis on the exercise...but not because she needs to lose weight. Find something you can both do together....dancing....zumba....trampolining? Anything that is fun....but that she will be expending energy without even thinking about it :)

Also....drink. Make sure she is drinking before and during her meals. Often, thirst is mistaken for hunger so make sure she is drinking plenty of water (stick some slices of kiwi fruit or lemon to make it more interesting if she's not a fan of water). Lastly, talk to her.....tell her your concerned she may be worried about her weight - not that you are worried about her weight. Tell her you love her no matter what she looks like because she is amazing and beautiful. Don't let food become her source of comfort....you be her source of comfort :)

I'd sit the girls down and say we're tightening our belts. From now on, money has to be earnt through chores. Eg, hoovering the whole house, mowing the lawn, washing the cars, walking the dog.

It gets them active and gives them a work ethic and an appreciation for what they have, this won't have a negative impact on the others either. No money, no treats, simple. It will also get her up and about, which she wouldn't be before.

I'd also say to them, one of you has been stealing change. We don't steal in this family. We will wipe the slate clean and from now on, there will be severe penalties for anyone caught taking something that doesn't belong to them - stealing is stealing, OP, whether it's 20p or £20 it doesn't belong to her and you're doing her no favours getting away with it.

Buy fewer snacks, a family bag of crisps and chocolate a week, no more than a couple a person and then once they're gone, they're gone. She can't binge that way.

Sit her down individually and say, you don't eat tea, that stops, let's put together a meal plan of things you will eat and will like. She can help and if she won't eat then she goes hungry, she's a teenager and more than capable of understanding actions have consequences.

More than anything, have you tried talking to her? Voice your concerns, ask if she'll start jogging with you, get her to share how she's feeling, share how you're feeling. Openness will help the situation.

First things first - no judgement from me. You are obviously a very caring Mum trying to do your best by your kid.

A lot of kids - myself included back in the day - will eat nothing but shit left to their own devices, but most of us got away with it at the time because of our ferocious teenage metabolisms. Trouble is, your daughter a) is going further than that, refusing to eat proper food at times when she isn't left to her own devices and trying to force your hand to let her eat what she wants, and b) obviously doesn't have the metabolism to get away with eating loads of shit.

It's great that you are being supportive of her and focussing on what appears to be obvious signs of depression but imho you shouldn't fail to mention your concerns over her weight for fear of upsetting her. I say this because she now knows you know what she weighs. Failure to acknowledge it, and failure to point out that it needs to change for her long term health, could be interpreted by her as meaning her weight is okay. I would lean towards raising it, but do so in very gentle terms and make it clear she's not in trouble, and you see this as a result of her apparent depression and want to help her through it.

Other than that, make small manageable changes you can build up over time rather than going for drastic unsustainable changes now that will set her up to fail. Look at the GI of her meals. If she's a carb junkie then what she's eating won't keep her full as long. If she's only willing to eat toast, then make toast based meals for her with granary bread (lower GI than white!) - eggs on toast, cheese on toast, at least she's getting some protein too that way, she will stay full longer and is less likely to binge on chocolates and crisps two hours after eating. (I say this as a toast addict/carb junkie myself - I've recently started making more of an effort to eat GI balanced meals and it does help)

I would also not go down the route of telling her she is overweight. She must know this herself.
Instead, as others have said, i would overhaul everything to do with food in your house. Make sure there is nothing but healthy snacks and healthy meals served.
Would it be possible for you all to go on walks together/swimming lengths?? Def limit her time on the x box.
I think at that age, unless she is specifically asking for help, all you can do is model a healthy attitude towards healthy eating and exercise and try to get her involved. However, I would totally avoid any talk of diets etc.
Good luck, i can imagine it would be very worrying as her parent.