13YO DD is overweight. Need advice on how to handle it.

[needadvicereweight]

My DD has just been weighed. She's very tall for her age, at 5 foot 9, and well made, strong and stocky, but she's 14 stone.

I'm devastated. I've been trying to deal with this for a year years, to no avail.

She won't eat meals that we eat. She must be eating in secret. I never see her eat any rubbish food. She doesn't go out. She has loads of friends, but we are quite rural so not close to them.

I have two other DDs who are a normal weight. With DD I think it's a lot of factors, as she has had some anxiety issues (CAMHS helped).

I need advice on how to handle it, from someone who has been there. I feel like a failure. She is so headstrong and I give in so easily.

I don't know if it's best to be honest and say you're overweight, or is this dangerous to say to an almost 14 yo?

Amy advice?

She doesn't have any favourite meals! She's rather eat rubbish and snack all day. The list of things she doesn't eat is very long.

At 14, I was eating in secret and hiding wrappers in my room until I could sneak them out of the house to bins outside. I continued binge eating like that into adulthood. It was like a form of self harm.

I can't think of anything my parents could have done to have prevented it. My brother and sister have always been a healthy weight from the same upbringing.

I don't really have any advice, unfortunately, and there's not likely to be much help out there for disordered eating if it's not anorexia, but I just wanted to post to counter the "it must be your fault" vibe that can creep into these threads.

Ditto above post. Could have written it myself.

Hi OP, he left it once (found out afterwards he had been eating on the school bus), I warned him if he left it he wasn't having any toast or anything else at all, he shrugged and was cheeky, so I binned it. Later on he did plenty of moaning about how I was 'starving him to death', but I didn't give in - he is 13 so old enough to understand the warning.
I made sure he had a good breakfast the next day. It was very hard on the night and my DH was wanted to give him toast, but it seems to have worked.

I think she already has some disordered eating behaviour and you say she gas anxiety issues. You need to ensure whatever you do doesn't make the situation worse.
You aren't going to convince her that the food she likes eating is bad for her, you will just make her more deeply unhappy. The one thing you could do is try and get her more active, the exercise will do her far more good than calorie counting. You will need to do it with her, look for things like trampolining, aqua exercise, cycle rides, Zumba or yoga. Stuff that will be fun to do.

This advice ,I'm sure will be in the minority...feel free to ignore it....I'm the same height as yr dd.and weighed the same at 14.. ..all manner of diets that were forced on me ,all kinds of comments,and sideways glances at my food,all well meaning adults giving me less at mealtimes than other people...just Made me eat in secret,which ended up in a lifetime of bulimia,and never ever weighing 14 stone again...I'd love to weigh 14 stone...my advice would be treat the whole family the same.dont mention her weight.as family do as much exercise together,don't single her out.and make sure meals are lots of veg.give everyone the same amount ,no crap in the cupboards ..you can't control what she eats out of the house ,but you can control the crap in the house..never mention her weight,if she gets upset and mentions it to you,tell her she's beautiful ...14 stone as an adult at 5,9 would be approx a size 14/16 depending where you shop...not the end of the world...what you don't want is her eating in secret and it getting worse

The painful truth is that I don't think there is not much you can do , it has to come from her.You definitely should not shut off her pocket money!!!
I think you should try to make meals she does like even if not amazingly healthy because at least she will be getting some nutrients and have less room for confectionary or whatever it is she is snacking on.

The problem with this is that it's mostly a mental health issue as evidenced by those posters giving their own experiences. Eating is a safety valve but also a huge source of guilt and shame so trying to limit foods or instigate healthy eating or other such ideas will only cause her more anxiety and could possible flip over into anorexia.

I was actually overweight at that age too and quite tall for my age and I grew out of it by around 16 when i was suddenly quite slim. It must have been hormones, hips and boobs grew out massively.
One thing though- I never had the option to not eat what everyone else ate at dinner. And toast is a shit option if you’re concerned about her weight!!!!

I would encourage getting her more active, if you can. Would she join a gym with you - my friend did this with two of her daughters? Could you go for a family swim session at the weekend? Get all children to walk to school, rather than drive, if you can? Get the kids to walk the dog, if you have one.
Not sure the above will make a big difference, but a step in the right direction.

I agree with Accrual. Pestering her may have the opposite effect. My parents were very blunt about my weight which just made me stubborn about not losing weight. It wasn’t til they left it alone that things got better. A more sneaky approach might be a better way forward. Snacks that are healthier rather than healthy. Asking her to run errands that involve walking or physical labour.

i was sent to a dietician in 1981 when i was 8 because i needed to lose just over a stone . I was 21 stone by the time i was 28 I joined Slimming World and lost ten stone.

Keeping it off is always a battle though. Now attempting to lose my Christmas weight gain.

Thinking about it a bit more ...my friends that are overweight and my friends daughters come to think of it ,all put weight on around the time they started their periods...they all say it was the start of their weight problems..could be the cravings at certain times of the month,or just in their genes that that's what they do...I took after my large dad rather than my tiny mum...my friends daughters skinny as rabbits till they hit 12/13 then ended up the same shape as their aunt..who is large..my 3 older kids take after dad.tall and lanky.my youngest takes after me,bit more Podge on him..my close friend has an arse quite wide.as does her daughter,that arrived with puberty and periods too..sometimes you can't fight it...you just need to make sure it dosnt get worse

Can you teach her to cook? Make it one of her chores to help you in the kitchen. It will get her off her xnbox for a while, will be good way to spend time with her, teach her about food and nutrition while your at it? Look through cookbooks together, get her to choose a menu. She can help with the weekly shop. It might help her mental health to have an interest and new skill as well as subtly getting her to eat healthily andbe more active.

Thanks for all the suggestions. Really, really helpful. I was hesitant in posting, ad I thought everyone would say it's my fault.

It's making me realise that it's connected to her depression. She seems happy enough in normal day to day life, but deep down she's very unhappy.

I'm not going to mention it to her. I'm going to continue to tell her she's beautiful, and make some gentle changes.

could you ask her if you can cook together.did your mum cook with you.if so could you tell her youd like to do the same as it was a great way to spend time with her and learn new stuff together.
or even ask her if she would cook for you all one night because your busy and shed get some sort of achievement out of it.
if shes been seen by camhs that to me suggest that any mention of weight problems she will take really severely and make things much worse.sorry.i know that doesn't help.
instead of mentioning weight or health kicks.could you instead simply say you've noticed she doesn't seem to like or eat what you lot do and you don't want that as its unfair on her so how can you help,and what shall you tru instead,what meals shall you learn or choose to cook so you can all eat together/the same/enjoy it.
is there anything you could do together.could you start swimming,tennis and say you don't want to go alone.even a walk.
you don't need to make it about lsing weight.more you just want her to be happy and to enjoy the meals your all having?could this be a better way to broach it.
or is there when your sat a the table a discussion of some new meal you all want to try.mix things up a bit and get the girls to request one each week.it could get the ball rolling.get her interested.

Sorry for those of you that suffered this way when younger. It must be so hard for you. I can imagine your parents didn't know what to do for the best.

needadvice You need to include your other DDs too I felt singled out DB didnt have to do any of it. He was very slim when we were kids and teens.....................you can see where im going..............

It's difficult when they are 13/14 as many children that age buy sweets and other snacks on their way to and from school. I realised myDD was doing that when she first went to secondary school as she started putting on a lot of weight despite the fact that I didn't keep any sweets/cakes/biscuits/chocolate in the house. In the end, I searched her room and was shocked to find loads of wrappers.
Since then I stopped giving her any money. I look after her pocket money/Christmas/birthday money and if she wants cash for some thing specific I either give her the exact amount or I expect change. I also look after Christmas and birthday money. It might seem harsh but she actually agreed to it as she was conscious of her weight but found it hard to resist temptation.

I think ur right.this is intwined with her depression.and if you can help that.the mre she loves herself the more shell want to look after herself both body and mind.
help her feel loved and cared for and gain that trust.fingers crossed then all other things might follow.or at least she might come to you more with it. because for her it isn't about food.this is about the unhappiness in side.in her mind and heart.the food is almost seoncdary,a symptom of the sadness.

The January fitness craze will soon fade for a few people so equipment will be cheap on ebay. If you can stretch to it, I'd get these as they will all exercise different body parts and they're not too big to scatter throughout the house. Exercise bike, trampette, exercise ball, Pilates ring, resistance bands. It's important they are accessible.

I'd introduce a family fitness theme that everyone can enjoy. Meal planning, loads of books in Lidl and Aldi currently and it seems like millions of free recipes online. It's not all salads.

Fun exercise every day, awareness of what crap food does to your body. I keep seeing things advertised on TV as "meals" and they are invariably brown. The whole cardboard container is full of brown food. Vile.

Set the family a research project to discover the relationship between ghrelin, insulin and hunger. Read some health blogs but not crackpot ones, look at GP Michael Mosely's blogs or the two Van Tulleken twins, also doctors. They did one investigation into the food industry to find why people like junkfood and discovered there's a particular balance of fat, sugar and salt that most people not only find irresistable, it makes them crave more. that's why the food manufacturers use it. it's not to make tasty food for you, it's to almost brainwash you into "needing" more.

Set a project as a pp mentioned to discover how many minutes of what type of exercise is needed to burn off any particular food or junk.

I give in so easily you'll have to learn to mean what you say but I've found 'Mum says' isn't always as readily believed as things kids discover for themselves.

No-one likes being preached to or being told what they should do, but you can make it interesting and steer their interests in the right direction with a bit of planning. Good Luck with the new Family Lifestyle Changes

I agree with chugalug.
14stone at her height is a 14/16
Build her confidence
Fresh air, exercise, can you go out with her?
If you make a big deal of it now, she could be in for a lifetime of body image problems.
Good luck

I was in a similar situation to your DD as a teenager, in that I was tall and a bit overweight, but held it pretty well, and my mum (who is a great mother in many other ways) was not helpful. She is pretty slim and petite and often commented on my weight, told me off if I ate a cake or something (even if she and everyone else was eating the same thing!), while also cooking a lot of processed convenience foods. I know she meant well but it reflected her own issues with appearance and insecurity.

It is good to see that you're coming from a much different perspective than my mum, and so I've no doubt you will help your DD get to a healthier position. From my experience, I'd recommend not worrying too much about losing the weight right now. Instead, I think it is much more important that you take steps to help her develop a good relationship with both food and her own body - the rest will follow later.

While her weight is very worrying for her tender age, she is "only" overweight now - the real danger when you carry it well is that it can continue to creep into adult obesity without really even realising it (this is has happened to me in the past). So take it in small steps. The most important thing to focus on at the moment is to start to change behaviours so this upward trend stops and then starts to slowly reverse over time ( the longer term "cure"), rather than focusing all your energy on changing her weight now (a "symptom" of a deeper problem).

As part of this, I'd kindly suggest spending some time giving cooking and basic nutrition lessons to all your DCs (so your DD doesn't feel singled out, also it is great for everyone to learn how to cook regardless). You could say it is to prep them all before they fly the nest for uni etc in a few years' time. If your DD is able to make a decent meal, she might be more inclined to eat it - if she's not eating decent meals, she will definitely be grabbing for crappy, unhealthy snacks to fill the gap. And if she enjoys the process, she will be more inclined to experiment with healthier foods, like different vegetables.

Try and also get some activity in with your DD, suggest going for a walk together everyday or something similar. Doesn't have to be heavy or daunting exercise - try to see it as more for mental health, rather than just about weight. Sitting around inside all day, playing computer games, is not good for the mind and is also going to make her snack out of both boredom and comfort.

I'm now healthy and happy at 33 years old, after years of yo-yoing between the normal, overweight, and obese categories. But, after many years of having a more extreme love/hate relationship with food, the benefits of a better, more balanced relationship with food and my own body image goes far beyond weight, it makes me a healthier and more positive person. But it is a long haul and goes far deeper than just a number on a scale.

Hope this helps - good luck