13YO DD is overweight. Need advice on how to handle it.

[needadvicereweight]

My DD has just been weighed. She's very tall for her age, at 5 foot 9, and well made, strong and stocky, but she's 14 stone.

I'm devastated. I've been trying to deal with this for a year years, to no avail.

She won't eat meals that we eat. She must be eating in secret. I never see her eat any rubbish food. She doesn't go out. She has loads of friends, but we are quite rural so not close to them.

I have two other DDs who are a normal weight. With DD I think it's a lot of factors, as she has had some anxiety issues (CAMHS helped).

I need advice on how to handle it, from someone who has been there. I feel like a failure. She is so headstrong and I give in so easily.

I don't know if it's best to be honest and say you're overweight, or is this dangerous to say to an almost 14 yo?

Amy advice?

You're one of the more controlling parents of a teen I've ever read on Mumsnet.

You've stopped her allowance to stop her snacking.

You want to give her almost no food choices (except when worrying "why should the others miss out?" on crap snacks).

Now you want to "get rid of" her games console.

That all adds up to very controlling parenting for a teen.

You need to be giving guidance and more choices, not fewer.

Maybe because the others are younger, you haven't quite made the mental leap to "mum of a teen" yet?

Read the thread please. I haven't said I'm getting rid of her allowance. It was suggested, I haven't ever said I will do this.

She has loads of food choices and I've not taken any away either. I've decided that she should eat the evening meal that's presented to her. This applies to all the children. I haven't mentioned them, as this thread isn't about them.

So stop with your vitriol, if you've nothing helpful to say, then don't stay on the thread. Thanks.

That's a rather rude response to sincere advice.

Good luck to your DD anyway.

I think you're doing the right thing OP

You're one of the more controlling parents of a teen I've ever read on Mumsnet.

That is not sincere advice.

It is perfectly sincere. It's my observation that I've rarely heard anyone so determined to tackle a problem with a teen by clamping down.

It's even more inappropriate as an approach to an eating disorder (any eating disorder). Maybe reading a couple of books on disordered eating would be a good idea?

How would you deal with it battleax?

My advice is to focus on outdoor exercise in order to support mental health and also fitness and physical health.
And as much as possible incidental exercise. So can she walk rather than having a lift? Any possibility of you and she (and other DDs if health condition permits) walking neighbours' dogs to make pocket money? Or would she accompany you to a Zumba class as a weekly habit? Rock climbing? Bootcamp? Family fit bit competition?
I was a child who was defined as "fatter" than my ex-model Ma (I was size 10, sob), I have a child who I think will be stockier than me. She is aged 8 atm with a good appetite.
I am trying as much as possible to build exercise as a habit and defining her as a person who is full of energy and who needs a lot of exercise to feel happy. I really hope that it lasts.
I will spend a fair amount on sports kit for her- I figure All the Gear is a good motivator. Would that persuade your daughter to go to eg Zumba with you?
I know that I, my husband and my children, eat better and enjoy food more after exercise and I try to frame it as fuel. We shut down relatives' diet talk and look at the choices that sports people she admires make- this is mostly to combat the "X had nutella sandwiches and Oreos for lunch". We max on veg at every meal and do the whole crudités and houmous before dinner etc... We also have an allocated weekly jar of sweets for each child- they choose what goes into it and ration themselves over the week.
Goodness knows if any of this will work but I will follow your thread for more ideas.
Good luck!

Have you tried involving her in the actual cooking and preparing of food?

Maybe let her cook one night a week to start and show her how to plan a home cooked healthy meal, even if you start with something you may consider unhealthy, e.g., homemade pizza, with less cheese and more veg toppings it can be relatively healthy if you don't make her portion size too large?

My dc really enjoy getting to decide what we have to eat (within reason and going by what we have in the house). It gives them some control, but you can show them how to make healthier choices.
My youngest's favourite dish is homemade pork or turkey burgers, she will pair other flavours with it and we add grated veg to the burger mix too, e.g. Apple and pork burgers. We serve them with salad, rolls or buns and sometimes homemade chips inc. sweet potato fries.

It's surprising what they'll eat when they've had a hand in making it. HTH.

If she's saying she doesn't like anything you cook could you get her involved with meal-planning and cooking? Get the cookbooks out with her, let her chose some meals she'd like to eat and then cook them together. Might be worth a go, and gives her a bit more control over family meal times.

I do feel your pain, I have a nine year old DD with ASD who uses food to help with her anxiety, she's not overweight yet but I have had to stop buying snacks etc as she'll sneak them all up to her room and eat them there, stole her brother's Christmas sweets and ate them in secret etc and I can see the weight creeping on. Even though we only keep healthy food in the house she'll binge on whatever's available, so she'll eat six oranges or 12 oat cakes.

As someone who's never had any issues with food or weight I struggle to know how to approach this as I'm acutely aware I may compound the problem if I handle it badly.

It's hard.

Xpost with 2Cold there!

I would add things not take them away.

Relax control not tighten.

Include the whole family in healthy diet and healthy activities. Make sure they all learn the basics of good nutrition together (documentary maybe) and I'd talk about healthy choices routinely to any or all of them or even the cat, whoever is about on any given opportunity, so it becomes a bigger part of family culture.

Is encourage and facilitate as much socialising for her as you can and make sure she has a small reliable budget and sufficient transport for that.

Thanks Durian, that sounds good. It's so difficult, especially when they are teenagers.

I'm guilty of giving in too much. If she doesn't want to come for a walk or swimming, she creates such a fuss. Arguing, fighting, crying etc, that in the end I give in and leave her home. This is because it's easier. I could make her come, but she sulks, and creates such a horrible atmosphere that it's easier to leave her at home. I need to be stronger, I guess.

It's small steps, I suppose. But, at least we've acknowledged the problem and are moving in the right direction.

Until yesterday I had no idea how much she weighed. She wouldn't get on the scales. I didn't want to bully her to do it.

I've tried to make her help me cook in the past. It always ends in tears. She's just not interested. I can't explain how hard it is. She won't hold the knife right, throws things as she says she can't do it. Walks off sulking. It's not the happy mother daughter bonding session you'd imagine !!

I think there are bigger issues at play here. Anxiety, depression. Hiding away in her room with her Xbox is all she wants to do. That's why I think it needs to go. Maybe that's harsh, but I'm at a loss.

Also, I wouldn't ban any foods, but would try to talk about moderation and balance and eating a variety of things from different food groups.

She's getting to the age where she has to learn self discipline and control, which isn't easy. You need to give her those tools and banning foods just makes them more attractive (imo).

Also, try to get her to be more active without making it into a big deal. I think you need to lead by example, iykwim, so if she sees you all making healthy choices and being active she might be more inclined to do the same as she won't feel singled out or pressurised into it.

Sorry, if my advice is out of line. I've had issues around food most of my life and that's just what I wish my mum had done for me at the time, rather than making me feel singled out. That's why I'm trying to be different with my dc because my mum's way just made my relationship with food very hard.

I think there are bigger issues at play here. Anxiety, depression.

I would think so and it won't be an easy fix, but please don't panic and go the wrong way. I know it's not easy.

I am really not going to single her out. That's not going to happen. We do eat healthy (most of the time). I don't ban foods. But, what I'm doing isn't right or she wouldn't be overweight, would she?

It is very difficult to deal with a weight problem with someone with anxiety without telling them they've got a weight problem! Plus, give her choices (knowing she'll make the wrong ones!)

It's an absolute minefield

Maybe give her more control and step back a bit. I notice the phrase she won't hold the knife right ....does it really matter at the start how she holds it if it gets her involved? I'm not having a go as I was the same at first with mine then I realised it was more important for them to be trying and involved than to be doing it my way.

Or do the chopping for her to start, maybe make the pizza bases and provide a selection of toppings so she just puts those on to start...obv.making sure it's not just lots of cheese and unhealthy toppings.

But, what I'm doing isn't right or she wouldn't be overweight, would she?

You don't hold all the responsibility for her wellbeing any more. Don't take it on.

The bubble you can throw around them when they're little where you can completely govern what happens and keep them safe is lovely. But that's gone after secondary transition.

This is a joint responsibility with her now, and increasingly it will be in her hands. You're advisor in chief and pay for everything

2cold4me thanks. I do try really! I know I need to try harder and be more patient. When I say, won't hold the knife properly, I mean this means she can't do it, so loses her temper and storms off. She just won't listen when I try to tell her she needs to do something.

I know I've let it get this bad because it was easier.

I am taking on board all the advice. The main thing I have got from this thread is not to say anything to her about her weight, or put her on a diet, which is great as I wasn't sure if I should do that or not.

This sounds like me as a teenager. I was a secret eater and would buy snacks on the way to school, at school, on the way home from school and then sneak food into my bedroom.

People used to say they couldn't understand why I was overweight as they never saw me eat anything!!

My parents handled it very badly and shipped me off the weightwatchers which at 15 was the most humiliating thing they could ever have done and it actually made me much more secretive about eating.

I just want to say that I knew exactly what I was doing. I knew that I was eating badly and would put on weight and was harming myself. It really wasn't a food issue it was more of an addiction issue. Replace food with cigarettes and hopefully you can see what I mean.

Imagine a very heavy smoker being told they had to give up but still had to have 3 cigarettes a day to survive. Its very hard.

Overeating / compulsive eating is an eating disorder just like anorexia or bulimia and at nearly 50 I still struggle with it today.

Needadvice, please don't make food an issue with your daughter the problem (whatever it is) will be way beyond food.

Is there anyone she talks to or could talk to? From what you say about her she doesn't sound happy and talking to someone outside the family may help. The important thing is you have recognised it and want to help her the best way you can.

Hi OP, you mentioned your DD had anxiety issues and maybe depression?
Do you think she is using food in order to self- soothe? Because if you do feel there maybe a link between her eating habits and mental health than it is probably a good idea to talk to her about that. Not pester or single out, but sit down together privately and talk about it.
If she is using food as 'comfort' food, maybe reframe that as 'discomfort' food- you feel bad, so you eat rubbish. It doesn't stop you feeling bad for long though, so you do it again. Really, it's not providing much comfort, just continuing the cycle of feeling bad.

Peach That's very likely, but I'm loathe to mention it to her for fear of making it a bigger issue. She shuts down very quickly and shuts me out.

Battleax, it would be great to say that and let me off the hook. However, I feel I should have dealt with it when she was younger, rather than letting it get this far.

Needadvice, please don't blame yourself.

weight creeps on very gradually and when you're with someone everyday you only really notice it when there is suddenly a big difference or something happens to make you notice.

The important thing is you want to help her now. I first saw a councillor through my GP. It may be worth seeing your Doctor and voicing your concerns to see what help they can offer or see if there are any help groups in your area.

OK, to be fair when I was your daughters age ( back in the ice ages) I probably would have shut my DM out too.
Any chance of going back to CAMHS? Also any young people's counselling services in the area? They're usually free and have less of a waiting list for CAMHS (if you can even get the referral, they are so overloaded)