13YO DD is overweight. Need advice on how to handle it.

[needadvicereweight]

My DD has just been weighed. She's very tall for her age, at 5 foot 9, and well made, strong and stocky, but she's 14 stone.

I'm devastated. I've been trying to deal with this for a year years, to no avail.

She won't eat meals that we eat. She must be eating in secret. I never see her eat any rubbish food. She doesn't go out. She has loads of friends, but we are quite rural so not close to them.

I have two other DDs who are a normal weight. With DD I think it's a lot of factors, as she has had some anxiety issues (CAMHS helped).

I need advice on how to handle it, from someone who has been there. I feel like a failure. She is so headstrong and I give in so easily.

I don't know if it's best to be honest and say you're overweight, or is this dangerous to say to an almost 14 yo?

Amy advice?

Sorry, realise I've posted an essay

If she loves her x box so much have you thought about getting a kinect and some of the dancing/sport type games? I got myself (age 26) a Wii for Christmas and I love doing the just dance it has helped me lose weight and feel fitter just since the new year. I play up to an hour a night on the strict proviso that no one else is in the room !

So not experienced this but my personal advice is that EVERYONE goes in a health kick and you completely reboot the cupboards . That’s the easier bit

The next is to have an honest chat and share your concern about her HEALTH and focus on this term only . Don’t use any terms that might upset her but focus on physical and emotional health and see what she says . If she shows an inclination then explore sports you can do

I would honestly treat as a joint effort and do it with her . That’s how I am approaching with my 2 anyway

But it’s harder when the obesity is already there than encroaching so I sympathise a lot . Very delicate line to tread

As someone who has struggled with disordered eating since I was 11, I think you're making a very wise choice not to mention it OP and instead to encourage small but gentle changes while ensuring you continue to boost her self confidence.

The healthiest weight I've ever been was during a (otherwise fairly disastrous!) relationship with someone who very honestly, openly and genuinely appreciated my body exactly the way it was. At the same time he encouraged me to do things I'd previously been too scared to do because of my weight, and taught me to cook delicious and healthy meals that properly nourished my body. My confidence skyrocketed, my exercise levels increased, I ate well, and my weight stabilised at a healthy point for the first time in my life. That was all because I had someone making me feel good about myself. You can do that for your daughter. Good luck!

Could you not implement family walks, say she has to eat what you're eating, give her healthy packed lunches which means she wouldn't need dinner money, limit her XBox time, limit the amount of junk in the house? Try and find a sport she's interested in? Even something daft like Zumba? Also, check the side-effects of her medication. It wasn't the cause of my weight gain- I'd always been overweight- but there was one medication in particular that was increasing my appetite and making it harder for me to lose weight. When I came off it- for other reasons, not the weight- I seemed to lose weight much easier

OP my ds14 is overweight too. He eats the same as us, has school dinners but due to the system in school I can see what he's eating, some days he doesn't have dinner in school. He only drinks water and probably has 3 glasses of squash a week (sugar free). He too is tall 5ft 8 and really stocky. He has one packet of crisps or small chocolate bar a day, no other snacks except fruit or yoghurt which he rarely has.

He plays rugby thee times a week and football twice a week. In addition to school sports.

His dad's side of the family though are all big built. Tall, wide shoulders etc. So I do think a lot of it is genetic. His brother eats three times the amount and is two trouser size smaller.

I think it's quite telling that in your first post you call her "well made, strong, and stocky"
Someone I know calls her kids, "Strong, growing girls"
All three are clearly morbidly obese.

How old are your other daughters? If you're going to do a whole family health kick you'll need to get the balance right so that they don't become too aware of calories in food and over exercising. If they are already a healthy weight adding extra exercise into their routines could send them the other way into an unhealthy weigh bracket. It's such a tricky thing to deal with. You have my sympathy.

Chugalug is right, and accrual.
Being 14 is so hard. All these posters suggesting punitive plans, more evidence of how everyone hates women's bodies. Pressure!
Susie orbach has a new book out, but fat is a feminist issue still relevant. She will identify her problem when it feels safe.
Your daughter will be getting plenty of messages that she is not good enough. Love her and spend time listening to and doing fun things with her.

As someone who was an overweight teenager, am so glad to read you will not mention it and will focus on good mental health.
For me, my eating and weight was directly linked with not feeling happy with myself. My mum made me join weight watchers and was very much trying to control what I ate. I, as other pp, just turned to eating (binging) in secret. And hated myself for it. It has taken me years to learn to eat well and healthy and not to eat in secret. (I’m a heathy weight now, but when feeling anxious or stressed, will still comfort eat)

I can imagine your daughter will be very aware she is overweight. If you show her unconditional love and no judgement, she might eventually open up to you about how she feels and that would be the time to discuss any changes. If she feels judged, she won’t be able to open up and ask for support. Good luck, wish my mum had been as thoughtful as you about it .

genever she has a point All the diet adverts ive been seeing since Boxing Day have women in them.

I was a secret eater at that age. I used to make mug cakes when parents were watching TV. I ate loads. I only changed when joined activity that needed e to be fit and slimmer

Thanks everyone. So much great advice, and thanks to all those sharing their experiences. I'm on my phone so can't thank individuals, but I've read everything over and over. It's very helpful.

I was awake all night thinking about this. I am definitely not going to say anything to her about her weight. As some of you have said, I'm sure she'll know she's overweight.

My other DDs are 11 and 9. One has a lot of health issues, that take up a lot of time. I've been guilty of leaving DD to her own devices, as I'm busy dealing with this. I know this, so it has to stop.

We've tried limiting the Xbox in the past, but it doesn't work. I think it has to go completely. I will discuss this with her. Explain that it's because we want her to be more involved with family life. I think I'll leave this a few weeks, so she doesn't make the connection between removing it and finding out her weight.

I asked her this morning what she'd like me to make for tea. She said, "I don't like anything you make." It's going to be a long road.

I think most of these control mechanisms you're favouring (stopping her allowance, toast only if she doesn't eat the family meal etc) will make matters worse and alienate her further from you.

She needs to fit in with her peers and develop her independence and budgeting skills, hence she needs some regular cash. Removing it won't help with the weight. It will likely alienate her from her further peers, make her resentful of you and make her sneaky.

Her siblings don't need empty calorie type snacks in the house. Cut back on them.

Start thinking in terms of family health instead of pathologising one daughter and singling her out for such obvious disapproval.

We've tried limiting the Xbox in the past, but it doesn't work. I think it has to go completely. I will discuss this with her.

No!

If you're genuinely worried you MUST stop being so controlling and overbearing.

You can't take this approach with a teen and expect a good result. You have five years until she's an adult. These are years when you slowly relinquish control and watch them develop skills for independence. Teens generally respond very well to being given responsibility for things. If she's binge eating, that's quite possibly a response to feeling powerless as it is. You need to do a 180 turn in your thinking.

Battleaxe I'm not so going her out. Sorry if that wasn't clear. It will be changes for all of us. I won't in any way make it look like she's being treated differently.

Is it safe for her to cycle as transport?

Being remote and rural is often an issue for teens. Can you combine boosting her social life with getting her out and about more?

Sorry, I disagree. I am anything but overpowering and controlling. If anything she has too much freedom, hence leading to this situation.

You might not think you're singling her out visibly but you are on this thread and your attitude will be perceptible to her.

And getting rid of her possessions is about as clear a singling out as you can get.

She would never ever cycle to school. She is very worried about what people think of her. I'd love her to cycle but I would have a battle on my hands to make her do that. I don't need that.

She can walk part of the way, which she does most days.

I am on this thread, as the thread is about her! For goodness sake.

I am singling her out on the thread, sorry.