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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Too many visitors!

107 replies

candypanda · 10/01/2018 16:00

I have 3 dc under 3
My husband previously had a job where he had half the month off so our family members came every week...it was ok because we Were both free. Anyway, now he has a new job and works 5 days a week very long shifts. This means I don't really see him as I go bed an hour after he gets home and he doesn't see our children until the weekend.
So, my mum, my dad (separated), his mum, his dad (separated) and his grandparents all still intend on coming weekly. I don't know what the hell to do. He explained to his family that we are tired and busy but they insisted on coming and took up our whole weekend as they all come for 1 to 2 hours and we have to fit them round the children's naps or they insist on waking them up.
My mum and dad I can see in the week when my husband is at work but my mat leave is over next month. What on earth do we do? Aibu to ask for monthly visits or something?
Ideally at the weekend we would like to go out with the children on the sat and both chill out and get jobs done on the Sunday.
How do you all do it?
I asked my parents to let me invite them.rather than them nagging but when it had been 8 days since the last visit I had non stop phone calls.
I'm so tired. I have twins and I am breastfeeding and I want to see my husband.

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 10/01/2018 16:02

Luckily i don't have that problem so i can't speak from experience but I totally get your want for alone time with your family after a hard week. All you can do is put your foot down and say no

chickenowner · 10/01/2018 16:05

You are allowed to decide when you have visitors to your home.

I know it will be difficult, but you need to be firm and insist that they are only to come when they have been invited. Once a month is fine.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/01/2018 16:06

How do you all do it?

Tell them you'll let them know when you have time to see them and that the more they hassle you the longer it'll be before you make time.

People don't get to insist on access to your home and your time. That's ridiculous.

You need to start saying no.

"That doesn't suit us"

"We're busy this weekend"

"Afraid I don't know what we're up to the week after but when I do I'll let you know"

"No, like I already said, that doesn't suit".

"Ooh, babies need me now, best get off the phone..."

It's your phone, it's for your inconvenience, not theirs. You don't have to answer it.

If they show up, you don't have to answer the door.

It's wonderful having involved friends and family. It's only stays wonderful when it's by mutual agreement and everyone has a nice time. If they're hassling you, it's not fun.

TheDailyMailIsADisgustingRag · 10/01/2018 16:06

Get them all to come at once instead of over the course of a weekend?

Are you cooking for them or anything? If so, nip that in the bud, pronto and ask them to pick up a selection of pizzas, or whatever, on their way over. Then dump the babies on them and sit on your arse for the duration of their visits. They’ll either muck in and help you with babies, or they’ll get fed up and visit less, depending on what they’re like.

Leeds2 · 10/01/2018 16:08

Re Saturday, I would get the DC ready and go to wherever you want to go to. If they ask can they come round on Saturday, say no. If they arrive whilst you are getting ready, say that it isn't convenient and you are going out. Do not answer any texts asking where you are, and when you will be back.

Original poster
candypanda · 10/01/2018 16:08

Ahhh thank you so much. They've made me feel so unreasonable. When my dad hasn't seen them for 2 weeks he was so grumpy!or if I say "we are busy"
He's like "why what are you doing? Can I come after?"
Sometimes I want to just do nothing!

OP posts:
rabbitsdontlayeggs · 10/01/2018 16:08

Oh wow. You are definitely not being UR to limit visits. Family alone time is vital IMO. No reasonable people expect availability to remain the same when maternity leave finishes. I also don't like what you say about your family insist on waking your DC from naps. I'd go wild if my lot tried that, they wouldn't dare. Tell them no! Time to establish some boundaries.

I know how hard it is. For months, my DM has insisted on coming to visit briefly almost daily in the week (I'm a SAHM) on her way home from work. No problem when DD was small, but she's nearly 2 now and DMs 'on the way home from work' is DDs dinner time. She's a fussy pest to feed at the best of times and the distraction and disruption of Grandma makes it just impossible to get her dinner in her. I asked nicely, I tried saying it wasn't a good time and eventually when she failed to listen I said 'sorry Mum, you can't come between 4:30 and 5:30 until DD changes her eating habits, it's just too disruptive'. She still came, so I ignored to door. She stopped and finally listened, eventually!

I would speak to them all individually. Explain very clearly that while you love seeing them, as the working patterns have changed now the visits must too. I would be seeing one set of people per weekend, max, and have a whole weekend with no visits each month. Maybe make Saturday morning visiting time (for example) and that's it and they need to take it in turns. If that's too much, change that too.

Might sound selfish but you've got to put yourself and your own family first.

TheDailyMailIsADisgustingRag · 10/01/2018 16:08

How do you all do it?

My mum is dead, my dad lives overseas, my in-laws are busy with work and another set of gc, so we don’t see them too much. Maybe once a month. That’s up to them though, I’d actually like to see them more!

TheDailyMailIsADisgustingRag · 10/01/2018 16:09

That should be a full stop, not a comma sorry.

Original poster
candypanda · 10/01/2018 16:09

Oh and no I'm not cooking for them, they won't visit at the same time as they don't all get on so it's 5 different visitors every week :(

OP posts:
TheDailyMailIsADisgustingRag · 10/01/2018 16:13

Oh fuck that. If they can’t all come at once then that’s their problem. Tell them you aren’t having 5 sets of visitors on one weekend.

Original poster
candypanda · 10/01/2018 16:14

Ok I seem to be being too soft! Honestly if you saw their reactions!
Last week I took one child to get new shoes during one of the grandparents visits and they kept saying what a shame it was to my husband and they would pop in the next day to see him. I feel so suffocated!

OP posts:
Mousewatch · 10/01/2018 16:14

I know it's shit but can you visit them on a Saturday or Sunday? Half an hour at their house and then leave to pop to the next house.

Santasbigredbobblehat · 10/01/2018 16:14

How do I do it? I’m quite strict about when people come round, don’t get me wrong, I like a visit, but I’m clear about when etc. The main thing is though, my family aren’t as pushy as yours. You’re going to have to push back, it’s difficult as you have the split families, even if you see one granny one week in four, the other three will be wanting a visit. Could they all come round at the same time occasionally? Try saying no for a bit, that you’re busy but be vague.

Llangollen · 10/01/2018 16:16

Book specific dates: invite yourself at your in-laws on Saturday or Sunday and make the most of them cooking and hosting.

Just say you are busy/ invited somewhere else/ NOT AT HOME the other weekends. You have to be firm, and they will get used to it.

rabbitsdontlayeggs · 10/01/2018 16:20

I would also just be brutally honest. When you say 'sorry that doesn't work we're busy' and they start on the strips/guilt trips tell them 'Look, you must understand that we have five sets of family visitors who all want us to accommodate them every weekend. This just isn't possible. We also need some family time of our own and I'm feeling completely suffocated by the demands of all this visiting. Please try to see it from our perspective, I don't appreciate you trying to make me feel bad about putting my family first."

If they're still shitty after that, I'd seriously tell them to do one until they can be less selfish.

Figrollsnotfatrolls · 10/01/2018 16:20

When they insist on popping round say - oh good I can just pop to shop /hair done /nails done /meet a friend while you watch the dc - you know they love seeing you etc. Leave them to it. How long unsupervised by you will they last with dc?? Bet they don't call in as often after that!!

thecatsthecats · 10/01/2018 16:21

Oh bless. My family are the complete opposite, and I have to firmly persuade them that we'd like them to visit, and they don't have to get out from under our feet as soon as they've finished a single cup of tea.

Say no. You need to chill. That's a requirement of your life, not a wish.

At a minimum, I would want every other weekend totally free, and a whole day the other weekend.

Can you try and bunch together the non-conflicting guests? Both mums, both dads, that sort of thing?

Altwoo · 10/01/2018 16:24

Rabbits’ answer is great. I think they need to understand why. But YANBU!

Ironmanrocks · 10/01/2018 16:25

The other option is to get Granny to meet you for a coffee when you are shopping or at a baby group or something. Then you can say 'bye, got to go now'. Really, one visitor per week is enough, so they have to take it in turns. Make up some sort of rota. And give yourselves one week blank where you see nobody. FaceTime them occasionally if they are desperate, but get something in place now so when you go back to work you are not suffocated as you will snap. Good luck.x

PinkChestnut · 10/01/2018 16:33

Do they have to visit on weekends only? Could some come during the week when it's just you and the DC and keep weekends for you and hubby

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 10/01/2018 16:38

Could you issue an open invitation for e.g. Sunday tea (5-7pm) and anyone who wants to see you should come then?

This is what my mother did, except she chose Friday teatime. You just can't have seperate visits for so many people.

chickenowner · 10/01/2018 16:38

You don't have to explain what you're doing or why you're busy, don't forget, you're a grown up!

I had to have a serious conversation with my Dad a few years ago about this sort of thing, he was panicking because I hadn't answered my landline or mobile phones. (I had had a tricky day at school and didn't feel like talking to anyone!)

I asked him if his parents had always known where he was when he was my age. (Late 30s). He said no, and it seemed to do the trick.

Sometimes parents need to be reminded!!

RhiannonOHara · 10/01/2018 16:46

You don't have to explain what you're doing or why you're busy, don't forget, you're a grown up!

This exactly. Just 'That doesn't work for us' with a polite bland face on. Repeat as needed.

Italiangreyhound · 10/01/2018 16:48

candypanda just decide how often you can manage to see them, and then tell them. Make plans for a certain date and then stick to it.

If necesary don;t answer the phone to them (get caller ID).

Can you teach them all how to use Skype so you can touch base at some point with them and they can with you?

Is it you or the kids they want to see? Are they trustworthy with the kids? Could they come and entertain the kids for an hour or two so you get a kip, go to gym, go for a walk or whatever?

Get your dh to speak to the in laws, but back each other up. Your maternity leave is ending and you are tired, they must respect you and your wishes.

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