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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Too many visitors!

107 replies

candypanda · 10/01/2018 16:00

I have 3 dc under 3
My husband previously had a job where he had half the month off so our family members came every week...it was ok because we Were both free. Anyway, now he has a new job and works 5 days a week very long shifts. This means I don't really see him as I go bed an hour after he gets home and he doesn't see our children until the weekend.
So, my mum, my dad (separated), his mum, his dad (separated) and his grandparents all still intend on coming weekly. I don't know what the hell to do. He explained to his family that we are tired and busy but they insisted on coming and took up our whole weekend as they all come for 1 to 2 hours and we have to fit them round the children's naps or they insist on waking them up.
My mum and dad I can see in the week when my husband is at work but my mat leave is over next month. What on earth do we do? Aibu to ask for monthly visits or something?
Ideally at the weekend we would like to go out with the children on the sat and both chill out and get jobs done on the Sunday.
How do you all do it?
I asked my parents to let me invite them.rather than them nagging but when it had been 8 days since the last visit I had non stop phone calls.
I'm so tired. I have twins and I am breastfeeding and I want to see my husband.

OP posts:
Skowvegas · 12/01/2018 16:47

What is the worst that could happen as a result of you putting your foot down?

They will be grumpy. This is rude of them.

They will moan. This is rude of them.

They will try to give you a hard time. This is rude of them.

Just because people are rude to you, doesn't mean you have to let them walk all over you.

Lashalicious · 13/01/2018 01:36

Oh my, op. You have to think of your own health right now. 3 dc, with twins bf....you must be exhausted. I would explain to your family just what you said in your last sentene of your first post. You are tired, breastfeeding twins, you want to see your husband... tell them you need time to take care of and be with your little family at this time and hopefully to rest the odd 1/2 hour you might get. They shouldn't want you to have to worry about having them over right now, if they truly love you. Explain to them then tell your husband what to say to his. Basically, "Don't call us, we'll call you when we're ready for a visit (once a month or once every six weeks)" Remember, how will you take care of your babies if your own health is neglected? Plus, you want time with your husband. They should understand this. They are being selfish and thoughtless!

Original poster
candypanda · 17/01/2018 08:56

Here's my update..
I put my foot down..i said I was going to see one visitor each weekend and they would have to wait in between. It's now been 9 days since my dad saw us...
He called my mum to say "do you know I've not seen them for 2 weeks now"
Now both of them are trying to insist that this weekend i let them take my children out for one day. So that would mean we have Mil here one day and then on the next my kids are taken out? I said "no I want to spend time as a family and go out"
They said "but we are family too..2 weeks is unreasonable"
I could fucking cry. I've just come off my anti depressants and feel like I've made a huge mistake.

OP posts:
SeaCabbage · 17/01/2018 09:00

Keep posting here for strength to keep going.

Was your dh on board with your thoughts? I hope so.

Sounds to me like you need to have much lower contact with your parents between visits. Don't answer the phone to them or reply to texts.

They are harrassing you and affecting your health.

EatTheChocolateTeapot · 17/01/2018 09:05

YANBU, may be try to find a rota that suits you and stick to it, like 1 week your DH family, 1 week your family and 1 week rest/friends/whatever you want, so everyone knows what to expect. May be they'll start getting along or invinting you to theirs.

gamerchick · 17/01/2018 09:06

Ah you’ve started now, see it through OP Flowers

It sounds as if you need your husband to back you up. My mother for eg is very much a take no notice unless a man speaks type of person. I’ll say something now and he’ll immediately back me up so it’s set in stone. It’s harder to resist a bigger tide of more people objecting.

fishonabicycle · 17/01/2018 10:22

Don't answer the phone to them! Or if you do -will say can't talk - busy. Bye.

agbnb · 17/01/2018 10:26

OP be strong.

If you give in now it reinforces the idea that you'll buckle under pressure and if they throw their toys outof the pram they'll get to dictate to you.

I'd strongly suggest heading to the Relationship forum on MN because these BS tantrums from family members CAN be fixed with support from those who've been in similar pressured situations.

FusionChefGeoff · 17/01/2018 11:08

Can they take the kids out? Soft play / park / Cafe etc?? If they won't / can't have them at theirs.

Bekabeech · 17/01/2018 11:16

YANBU - we used to see Grandparents 3 or 4 times a year as do lots of people because they live a long way away.
You just have to keep saying NO
You can do this.
I wouldn't read their texts or email if they keep badgering you. And you can ignore their phone calls too if they won't be reasonable.
I would also make sure we were out on Sunday as a family, so they can't just turn up.

Nikephorus · 17/01/2018 11:24

I could fucking cry. I've just come off my anti depressants and feel like I've made a huge mistake.
On the contrary, you've made a great start! They're whinging because you've put your foot down. Now you just have to keep your foot down and use the Mumsnet classic "sorry, that doesn't work for us" to every request. Or you could go for the easier option of not answering the phone.

franktheskank · 17/01/2018 11:33

Can't you just say your doing something or you are having a family day?

RhiannonOHara · 17/01/2018 11:45

Was your dh on board with your thoughts? I hope so.

I hope so too. You've made a good start but you need support. Be a broken record: 'We'll see one visitor each weekend.' Just repeat. Don't rise to accusations of being unreasonable; just stick to your guns and your script.

We're all rooting for you!

Original poster
candypanda · 17/01/2018 12:04

You are all so supportive! Thank you all. Yes my husband is seriously on board with it and his side of the family have been understanding..its my dad who is the problem now. I've just told him over the phone when he asked that I'm busy this weekend..
"What, again? Doing what?"
"We're out most of the weekend Dad"
"Well I can come with you or come when you're done"
Arghhh. I won't let him come but the pressure is horrible.

OP posts:
RhiannonOHara · 17/01/2018 12:13

the pressure is horrible.

It can't be good for you. Maybe you need to be direct and clear: 'Stop pressuring me, Dad. I'll let you know when it suits us for a visit.'

ShiftyLookingBadger · 17/01/2018 12:30

My goodness this sounds like my hell! I got annoyed just having FIL and his GF visit every fortnight on a Saturday midday (so we could never go anywhere!) You are very much doing the right thing. Weekends are SO precious when you work all week, your brood should come first.

Skowvegas · 17/01/2018 13:20

Arghhh. I won't let him come but the pressure is horrible.

I'm glad you're not letting him bully you into changing your mind. Have a lovely time with your OH and children.

littlerobyn · 17/01/2018 13:30

@candypanda stay strong op!
My Dad was just like yours and in the end I just used to say "I'm busy". Not I'm going out or I've got to do this, this and that. Don't justify yourself.

I just started shutting the conversation down with I'm busy. He would then say "busy doing what", he used to then pick holes in what I was doing so I had to be very blunt and explain that I am a grown up and I don't owe him an explanation. I would then respond with "I'll see you when I can, have a good week! Bye!" This took several times for it to sink in but now he knows I won't give in, things are much easier. Stick to your guns op, I hope you get it sorted Smile

goose1964 · 17/01/2018 13:45

This is awful for you. Even from the side of grandparents I can't see why they need to see you so often, I have one grandson a long way away so we only see him once every few months,the other is closed and I often babysit for her so she can have a social life. I have also baby sat when she and her DH have a date night. If they visit here I will take my turn in feeding him changing nappies. I've even taken over at meal times so she has a chance for a hot meal. If they insist on visiting , trying to force the issue, get them to work so you can rest. Mum I'm exhausted can you put the vacuum round for me etc.and get them to make their own tea and coffee

Louiselouie0890 · 17/01/2018 14:20

Why do t they take them for tea give you a break

Original poster
candypanda · 17/01/2018 14:42

I really don't want them to take the children out :( my husband hasn't seen them all week and they're all under 2.5 and nobody can handle them all at this age (safely)
I really don't want a break from my children, just from the constant stream of visitors

OP posts:
MrsPepperpot79 · 17/01/2018 16:13

I think my mum and dad had this issue when we were small (although slightly less as parents hadn't separated so was only the two sets of grandparents and my great-grandad). I remember that we were taken by both parents to see one set of grandparents each weekend, and if we were busy then it just got postponed. Mine see my parents all the time in the week, but exh's parents see them once every two weeks at most, sometimes only once a month. They make the odd pointed comment about "ooh, havent they grown, we've missed them" but i let it slide! Be firm - and screen calls if needed!

Badgerthebodger · 17/01/2018 16:26

Oh love stay strong!! Your little family is the priority, you’ve done really well setting your boundaries and you just need to keep pushing back until they get the message. I have loads of siblings, as does DH and when our son was born he was in the NICU in an incubator for a while. I ended up having a HUGE row with 2 of my siblings because they thought I was being selfish when I said don’t come to the hospital. DS wasn’t well enough and the NICU is not somewhere to be having a parade of visitors who are all full of germs and selfishly trying to insist they were entitled to take my baby out of the incubator for a cuddle Hmm
I get rage just thinking about it!

Stay strong, you can do this!

64BooLane · 17/01/2018 16:39

Stay strong, OP. I'm cross on your behalf about your father saying two weeks is "unreasonable". Who is he to lay down the law like that? Angry

Nobody is entitled to say how much of your time is "reasonable" for them to claim - it's your life and your time, and you know what's best for your family. You are not in the wrong here.

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