Too many visitors!

[candypanda]

I have 3 dc under 3
My husband previously had a job where he had half the month off so our family members came every week...it was ok because we Were both free. Anyway, now he has a new job and works 5 days a week very long shifts. This means I don't really see him as I go bed an hour after he gets home and he doesn't see our children until the weekend.
So, my mum, my dad (separated), his mum, his dad (separated) and his grandparents all still intend on coming weekly. I don't know what the hell to do. He explained to his family that we are tired and busy but they insisted on coming and took up our whole weekend as they all come for 1 to 2 hours and we have to fit them round the children's naps or they insist on waking them up.
My mum and dad I can see in the week when my husband is at work but my mat leave is over next month. What on earth do we do? Aibu to ask for monthly visits or something?
Ideally at the weekend we would like to go out with the children on the sat and both chill out and get jobs done on the Sunday.
How do you all do it?
I asked my parents to let me invite them.rather than them nagging but when it had been 8 days since the last visit I had non stop phone calls.
I'm so tired. I have twins and I am breastfeeding and I want to see my husband.

Your situation changed and they haven't recognised it. Going back to work is the perfect opportunity to reset boundaries without hurting feelings.

I would start saying things like, 'it's been so lovely being on mat leave and having the flexibility to see everybody so often. I'm going to miss it when I go back to work'. Lay the groundwork now.

Just before you go back to work, get the calendar out and block off whatever time you want to keep free. Show the GPs and say confidently, 'let's make sure that we still get to see you now that DH and I have so much less time. It won't be the same as before, but let's do our best'. Get some dates put in when you can see each other.

When challenged, be clear that lack of downtime will be detrimental to everyone. And that the time blocked off isn't up for explanation or discussion, 'that won't be possible, I'm afraid'.

If you feel comfortable letting the GPs look after your DC, get some dates put in when they can take the DC out to give you a break.

If they kick up a stink, be clear and firm that the situation has changed. Express surprise that they thought things could continue as before.

Not easy, but setting firm boundaries now will save years of stress.

The open tea idea is brilliant.

Turn it around and visit them on your way home from an activity, day out, shopping etc.

Or say you'll be at x place (museum or whatever) & they're welcome to pack a picnic to join you. Then your kids get to see their grandparents and you all go home to your own homes.

Or invite them out for a meal/coffee at a family friendly pub/restaurant.

Or if it's possible, invite both sides together for a meal so you get both visits done in one day.

Don't be afraid to invent other social commitments to create some family time for yourself. I do it all the time 'sorry dc2 has a birthday party that day etc''

If they dont want to visit together as they dont get on, that is their problem. How about having open visiting hours from X to Y time one day a week/every other week. Open to anyone and everyone. They can choose to visit, or not

I thought it was bad enough having just MIL visiting 1-2 times every single week when I was on mat leave

I definitely would not get into any sort of routine with any of them. You've said you want time on your own, ok...and what about seeing your own friends, going to events etc? If you give people regular slots, they'll get territorial over them and then if you need to change/cancel (illness, invited to birthday party/wedding...) it sounds like they'll throw strops! So just say you can't commit to anything regular but you're really looking forward to seeing them when you've got time... and as PP said, maybe they'll want to babysit so you and DH can go for lunch on your own one Saturday!

Careful what you wish for, similar happened to me when mine were small, I let them know I wanted them to give us space, now no one ever visits us.

Why don't you go and visit them instead - that way you are in control of when you arrive and when you leave, also they can run round after you making you tea, etc.

Tell when they can come. If they come at another time, either don't answer the door or answer and tell them politely to go away.

Book yourself 'date time' too, when it's just you, DCs and hubby. Put it in your diary if you have one.

Good Luck.

Good luck, we moved abroad when our first was a baby, I could see every weekend being the same for the next 18 years and thought no thanks! Not for everyone though. ( and now they all come for 3 weeks each, separately)

Fucking hell OP I'm exhausted just thinking about how to accommodate 5 sets of visitors with their demands and inability to visit together!

You literally won't have time to entertain this nonsense for much longer.
You'll run yourself ragged and get no quality time with YOUR little family unit if you try.

You've already had excellent advice but I'd stress 2 critical things:

1 - make sure DH is onside, no point you setting new boundaries if he undermines what you agree together is a reasonable visitor level

2 - don't get too dragged into why their expectations can't be met. Fine to say you're busy with a reason but don't apologize and be ready to handle pushback ("oh you say you just want time as a family? But we're family!" Or "so you're off to buy a new duvet? Great, you should be back by afternoon, we'll come at 2"... And so on)

I think broken record approach is needed, your DH is working full time now, you haven't got the free time that you used to have, and repeat....

they may be competing with one another for perceived equal access to the other parties that they don't get along with. That's their business, not yours

Why don't you suggest to drop the DCs off to them when they want to see them?

When I had my first I used to try and keep everyone happy and then came as and when they pleased but it really annoyed me cause I felt like I didn't get a say about time with my own child, now I've had my second I'm completely different, the gp's got a shock when they now only see the dc once a week if it works for us. I still get all the comments from the mil trying to make me feel bad but I've had enough, my dh works long times and deserves time with the dc without other people here too.

How do you all do it?
By moving very, very far away from them all
I like them but I don’t want to see them all of the time. No danger of that as we’ve either lived in the same country, but miles apart, or sometimes in a different country.
Having said that, I’m pretty blunt so I’d say, no sorry, this is when you can come (giving date/time convenient to me)

What Rabbit said. Did you see both sets of your GParents every single weekend as a child?

I understand your pain however welcome relatives are they add up hassle to you, you need adjust your rotune, have extra food, clean up the space, talk to them, etc.
It looks like they are ""visitors" for you not "helpers" so it's probably good idea to use them as childcare, e.g.leave them with older child/chidren when you doing something with younger one.
It's absolutely inappropriate from them insisting to wake children up!
Not sure about meeting somewhere, if it's the same town you all could end up again at your house.
Also I'm not sure about sharing calendar/detailed explanation what you are going to do and when, with my mum it would encourage a long debate about how she can come at 6.30 instead after us being shopping.....but you know your relatives best. Could be something like " Oh no, it won't work for us how about this and this....?

Wow thanks for all the replies and so glad to see I'm not being nasty!
For those who suggested I leave the kids with them, the only time they will babysit is when the babies are in bed. I've tried to use visits as an opportunity to get housework done but If I do that my Dad follows me round the house and asks to eat what ever I'm making (if I'm making that nights dinner). And if I go upstairs to do any hoovering or tidying they then extend their time to make up for the fact that I've dared be busy, or they keep interrupting me.
Only my mum has babyproofed her house, my dad doesn't want the children there making a mess (ffs!) And my husband's family have stupid little ornaments all within reach and won't move them and last time we went there my youngest burnt his hand on the gas fire when I went for a wee.

You're all so right. I'm going to tell my husband to tell his family that things have to change, and I am going to ensure my parents come when my husband is at work but not if it's my only day off work myself because I work for the NHS and feel like I'm dying after a 12 hour shift.

Thanks so much for all of your opinions! I will definitely sort this out tonight (be prepared for updates regarding the strops they throw!)

@candypanda omg that's far too much!!! I fully sympathise how suffocating it can feel. Looking back I'm really annoyed at how our parents treated us when dc1 was first born. I had a horrific labour resulting in major surgery, when I was out of hospital my baby was really sick and needed life saving surgery. We had consultants telling us to avoid visitors for a few weeks to allow her to get stronger first. And all fucking day, every fucking day they complained. PIL had colds and still couldn't understand why they couldn't come. It really affected me that I was getting the cold shoulder because they couldn't just wait!!!

Fast forward to now, dd is 14 months and we are strict to limit visits at most to once every 2 weeks, it often goes up to once a month without a visit and we live 10 minutes away.

It takes up a lot of the day and by the time you've got all your shit done that you can't do midweek, you actually might want to have a sit down for once or go out and have quality family time.

The resistance at first was awful but they've slowly learned that they cannot control it and it's up to us. So now instead of passive aggressive comments (which resulted in less visits) they are nice to us. Finally!
It will get better op, good luck!! x

bumbleyroses your family sound incredibly selfish and self absorbed - pressuring you despite medical advice/needing to recover physically?! Surely they know it is likely to damage a relationship quite severely by pulling that crap! Are they clueless, uncaring, or both?

Thermostat has good advice, as I think all your family love you and so you probably don’t want to hurt them- and it is lovely for children to have so many adults to love them. However, you totally can’t carry on as you are! Do the “after mat leave” thing, and I would pick 1 or 2 times (eg sun afternoon) when you are happy to have visitors, and then just rotate them. Could dps gps at least come with their child, his mum or dad? Or if, for example, one of your kids does weekly football could you invite both grandads to watch? (Might work once dc are older?).

We used to have this problem! Grandparents just need to chill out. It doesn't affect their relationship with their grandchildren if they only see them once a month, or certainly less than weekly.

Ours did eventually back off a bit and then we moved a couple of hundred miles away - that solved it ;-)

Hope it went well and they understand candy

Any update op? I hope your dh is on board and is supportive.

I'm so tired. I have twins and I am breastfeeding and I want to see my husband.

Just say this?? It's so nice that they want to see you though! Make sure they know that

They insisted on coming and come anyways?

hahahahahahahaha

Get a very firm grip and backbone and tell your parents and grandparents NO.
Have your DH get a very firm grip and backbone and have him tell his parents and grandparents NO.

You will both let them know when it's convenient for them to visit and invite them accordingly. Put the phone down if they argue. Shut the door if they show up uninvited.

Find your grown up self and stand up for yourself and your family and your relationship with your DH. He must do the same.