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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Too many visitors!

107 replies

candypanda · 10/01/2018 16:00

I have 3 dc under 3
My husband previously had a job where he had half the month off so our family members came every week...it was ok because we Were both free. Anyway, now he has a new job and works 5 days a week very long shifts. This means I don't really see him as I go bed an hour after he gets home and he doesn't see our children until the weekend.
So, my mum, my dad (separated), his mum, his dad (separated) and his grandparents all still intend on coming weekly. I don't know what the hell to do. He explained to his family that we are tired and busy but they insisted on coming and took up our whole weekend as they all come for 1 to 2 hours and we have to fit them round the children's naps or they insist on waking them up.
My mum and dad I can see in the week when my husband is at work but my mat leave is over next month. What on earth do we do? Aibu to ask for monthly visits or something?
Ideally at the weekend we would like to go out with the children on the sat and both chill out and get jobs done on the Sunday.
How do you all do it?
I asked my parents to let me invite them.rather than them nagging but when it had been 8 days since the last visit I had non stop phone calls.
I'm so tired. I have twins and I am breastfeeding and I want to see my husband.

OP posts:
SaigonSaigon · 17/01/2018 17:11

Your Dad really is not thinking of you here at all. He's thinking of himself. Thats what is so sad here. Stay strong OP. This is your life and your family. You do not need to entertain him on a regular basis.

Heregoeseverything · 17/01/2018 17:16

OP if your separated parents get along well enough for your dad to ring your mum to bitch about you, surely they get along well enough to visit at the same time as each other?

Original poster
candypanda · 17/01/2018 18:25

Yes you would think so! But my dad says he doesn't want an "appointment" so if I say "10 till 12" he gets pissed so I can't arrange them to come together. Also he makes this huge point about how they aren't friends..grrrr.

OP posts:
TheBlindspot · 17/01/2018 18:30

Oh @candypanda I hear the 'appointment' line too, but from my DM. Mine is because I have put my foot down over people just turning up uninvited, and said no more. I get 'I shouldn't need to make an appointment to see my own daughter'.

I only had to put my foot down because everyone else respected the fact that I don't like it - even MIL who doesn't like it but accepts it- except her and she continued to turn up at really inconvenient times (like dinnertime and DD's bedtime) and expect us to drop everything to entertain her.
This isn't someone we see infrequently either, we live locally, see her at least weekly (though I'm a SAHM so easier for me in the week) and I invite her for dinner at least once a month!

Some people just need to be told, nicely but firmly. No.

Motoko · 17/01/2018 18:34

Well, your dad is going to have to learn that if he gets pissy with you, you'll leave it even longer before he gets to come round.

If he's going to act like a petulant child, you're going to have to train him like a child.

Skowvegas · 17/01/2018 18:56

But my dad says he doesn't want an "appointment" so if I say "10 till 12" he gets pissed

How incredibly rude of him. As a PP says, some people are like petulant children, and need to be treated like one.

Marcine · 17/01/2018 19:05

Broken record with your dad "you can come 10-12 on the 15th or not at all, your choice" and don't enter into any negotiations about it.

BewareOfDragons · 17/01/2018 19:14

"That doesn't work for me, Dad."

"Sorry, no, Dad."

"I'm not discussing my plans with you, Dad."

If he won't stop going on about it, tell him you'll talk to him later when he's ready to listen and put the phone down.

Ponshuspirate · 17/01/2018 19:16

You've told them, don't let them in.

Appuskidu · 17/01/2018 19:23

OMG-your dad sounds incredibly needy! Has he always been like this? Does he have any other family or friends?

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 17/01/2018 19:46

Going against the grain a tiny bit, could your parents not come on occasional outings with you? My mum and dad have come along on lots of trips and it can be lovely. It seems a bit sad that your dad wants to see you and the kids and isn't 'allowed'. I can see why he doesn't want to have to make an appointment to see his own daughter. I can see both sides really.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 17/01/2018 19:50

And I think bewares suggestions would be an incredibly rude and arrogant way to speak to your dad

Original poster
candypanda · 17/01/2018 19:57

I love my mum..shes helpful, Amazing, safe with the kids..she comes out with me and the kids and when she's here I get loads done. She's amazing.
My dad expects me to ignore the kids and listen to him loads even when They cry, he wants cups of tea and cakes etc.. I'm like a waitress. He's dangerous with the kids and plays too rough despite me warning him. He put my son who doesn't walk on the sofa and walked off and he rolled and hit his head on tiles.
I just find him a lot of work and I really can't facilitate half of my weekend involving him because I would be exhausted..

OP posts:
InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 17/01/2018 20:02

I see. Fair enough. Stick to your guns! Smile

Love51 · 17/01/2018 20:13

DH and I used to agree one day a fortnight as family time because otherwise we were 'on' all the time. It is nice to sometimes be just your own family, and with the pace of life as it is we needed that time to catch up on mundane things.
As for your dad, I'd take him to the shoe shop for the toddler, either he will hate it and give in or step up and entertain the twins!
I also think tell the grandparents that this is the idea of whoever's opinion carries most weight. If I phrase things to my mum as being dhs idea she doesn't argue. He tells his family it's coming from me. Cowardly? Maybe. But effective!

Tistheseason17 · 17/01/2018 20:34

Stay strong. Your DH is with you Flowers

mellicauli · 17/01/2018 20:51

Say you are not hosting anymore, it's too much now you are back at work..every 2 weeks go round to your dad's for breakfast then your mums for lunch with one child. At the same time your husband goes to his dads for breakfast and mums for lunch with the other child. Alternatively can they help with nursery pick up? You could give them tea in the week, keeping weekends free for yourself.

64BooLane · 17/01/2018 23:21

Tell your dad he can come round all he wants once he starts to treat your children safely and treat you with respect.

(Obviously that’s quite confrontational and I’m not really expecting you to feel up to telling him that. But you can THINK it and it will help you stay firm.)

AnathemaPulsifer · 17/01/2018 23:28

Stand firm! And your dad might not like appointments but I bet he accepts them from the doctor and the dentist. You have every right to ringfence time alone at home for just your immediate family.

SmitheringSmithison · 17/01/2018 23:40

Don’t give in, it does get easier. You just have to show you can stand strong. BIL used to use the ‘I don’t like appointments’ line on us, when we asked him to call us before turning up expecting to stay at our house for several days at a time.
Our reply was along the lines of it isn’t making an appointment, it’s common courtesy. Do you turn up at xx’s house (friend in same city as us) to stay over without checking if it’s actually convenient for her and that she has no plans?. He always went quiet when asked that, to which my dh would say ‘no of course you don’t as it’s rude, so why do you think it’s okay to do it to us?’.
Took a while of him pushing back and us showing we wouldn’t be browbeaten before he finally reined himself in and he is a lot more respectful to us as a family now.

ChasedByBees · 17/01/2018 23:43

But my dad says he doesn't want an "appointment" so if I say "10 till 12" he gets pissed so I can't arrange them to come together. Also he makes this huge point about how they aren't friends..grrrr.

Well you have 5 people to accommodate. If he’s not prepared to double up, then you can only see one person per weekend (max! Sometimes not even that) then he has to accept he will see you every 5 or 6 weeks.

That’s how often we see family and it’s still a squeeze fitting them in.

GreenTulips · 17/01/2018 23:52

Start forgetting who's when and invite them all at the same time - they can entertain each other while you do jobs.

They show them the door!! Whoops!

Motoko · 18/01/2018 00:04

As Smithering said, it's not 'making an appointment', it's common courtesy, and he's being completely unreasonable to want preferential treatment over the other grandparents, AND your own family.

MrsAmaretto · 18/01/2018 00:20

Is there anyone who can talk to your Dad? He really is being selfish.

The thing is life is very busy with kids & it gets worse, your visitors are going to have to realise they will have to fit in with family life! Soon the kids will have swimming lessons, endless fucking birthday parties etc to attend as well as spending time together with their parents & siblings. It will not revolve around your dad.

Nanny0gg · 18/01/2018 00:39

Is your dad lonely? Any other family or friends he can visit?