What I have learnt from Mumsnet

[Parker231]

(putting this in AIBU as I couldn't think of another place)

As the title says - I like reading Mumsnet for the range of opinions and subjects discussed but off the top of my head and in no particular order have learnt the following (and yes I know there are always exceptions)

• there are a large number of SAHM's - I don't know any but have always worked ft
• very scary how many women don't have equal access to family money
• seems to be a large number of women still living in the 1950's
• breakfast and after school are seen as a negative
• lots of poor parenting by fathers
• cooking from scratch is perceived as a major positive - I'd never heard of this term before Mumsnet and don't think I have ever cooked from scratch (DH probably does!)
• the vast majority of childcare is still done by mothers
• ditto for household admin
• significant number of women who work, only work part time
• seems that if one parent is to be the "stay at home", in the majority of cases its the mother
• why are more fathers the major earners and have better careers? Did women not go to school and get qualifications?
• cooking and housework seems to be done mainly by women
• men work very long hours so can't do housework and shopping
• lots of women don't seem to have any hobbies/activities on their own outside the home

I find it interesting to read the different ways we all manage our life, family, work, relationships.

I have learned about Zoflora and various ways to enhance my lashes

I've learned about the cult of Zoflora.

While I've learned some interesting things here, particularly about UK culture, it would be misleading to think that what you see here can be generalized to society as a whole due to self selection bias:

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-selection_bias

Women like me, whose husband does most of the cooking, shopping and laundry don't complain about an unequal division of household work because for us it's not an issue. I have full access to the family money, so again, I don't post about it.

• A third of all NRP don't support their children financially.
• Most people earn a lot more money than me.
• People love their slow cookers.
• People live in their own little bubbles.
• Some people will hate you if you have a different opinion to them.
• Most people are very judgmental.
• Women put up with far too much.

I've learnt that:

Men are not very popular
Surnames shouldn't be changed after marriage
Men should share 50% of all housework and childcare regardless of their working hours.
If you admit to not having a joint account then you are potentially being financially abused
Marriage is only for legal protection not love
That actually, the word No is enough and you don't need to explain yourself.
If you don't share a majority opinion then you are wrong
That no one seems to like anyone outside of their immediate family much
That Brexit is the sole reason for everything that has gone wrong since the vote and will be the reason for everything that goes wrong following it.
Food shopping prices are massively rising weekly (even though I've not noticed this)
There's an hell of a lot of double standards which I think infuriates me the most!

I'm sure there's more.

I have found it terrifying how many women are living with abusive/feckless/controlling/lying/porn addicted partners. Truly terrifying.

Unfortunately it is still seen as a woman's job to be the primary carer for children, take days off sick to look after them rather than their partners, pick up the slack, organise birthday party and presents etc. I just think women are better at organisation and multi tasking. Whether this is a learned skill or inherent is another question. Men seem to manage to organise and multi task at work.
You seem a bit judgemental about SAHM and part time workers. It is a choice. I actually think having two parents working full time with young children is damaging to everyone, but a necessity for many people. If some people are able to be at home full time whilst the other works, or work part time, good for them. However, all parents should have joint access to family finances.

It's easy to get a skewed sense of what's going on as it is only those who live in difficult situations who post about their difficulties.

From the general views on mumsnet I have learned that women who don't work are not liked and regularly patronised by those that do or have to work. Told they will be poor forever and unfulfilled yeah right.
I learnt the term 'friendship group'. I thought it was called 'your mates'.
Also that people take their hobbies incredibly seriously and seem to think not having any is really bad. But then I realised a hobby means shit I have been doing all my life but didn't make a big deal about it.

Do you have a problem with these things you have learned, OP? You seem to.

I have learnt that parents are very quickly to blame teachers and side with their children no matter what.

TheClaws - yes I have a problem with some of the things I’ve learnt - women not having equal access to family money, fathers not equal parenting their DC’s being the main two.

No one lives a perfect life; we all do the best we can and make, what we hope are the right choices but there still appears to be a huge amount of inequality, the extent I wasn’t aware of.

‘Did you mean to be so rude??’

I have used it once. It was marvellous

-Lots of people care deeply about words, like vegan & vegetarian
-There is something called Zoflora that can be used to clean house; it is very smelly
-Some folk care deeply how clean their house-body-life is, to the point of feeling shame if not very clean
-The stereotype about hysterical mother concerns - Not just a stereotype, that's real
-A lot of people posting online very often, have problems with health anxiety; I am again grateful for problems I don't have
-A lot of people aren't resilient to anything and get angry if you suggest their children should try to be resilient to anything
-Folk lose sense of humour when it's written in black and white
-Cult of Mothers must be Perfect and all-forgiving & all-loving of her offspring is Alive and Strong
-A lot of people edit their information and posts to leave out hugely important context; I sometimes assume a post I read is from someone exact opposite of me - could explain so much about their reported health & life problems

• People grab onto a simple version of every story & struggle to think in nuance
• The first 3 replies to any thread usually set the tone, which is why 2 threads about same situation can have exact opposite conclusion & messages; later posters follow what the others said

-People love to hate the children they think have wronged their own children -(British?) people love to moan, will leap at chance to have group moans and group rants

Friend said that something about online envt. brings out the extremists; ordinary people don't have much to say so our voices are very under-representated.

Also that people take their hobbies incredibly seriously

And when hobbies are talked about on here, particularly Husband hobbies, they are never revealed! It's always some sort of weird secret.

E.g "My Husband spends every other weekend in his hobby, aibu to insists he misses his hobby to paint the hallway"

Ah the mysterious 'could be outing' man hobby. Fucking golfer or such twattery.

OP that's not really what you have learnt, it's more a range of different circumstances and opinions.

You have "learnt" that "breakfast and after school are seen as a negative" - by whom? BY some posters but my no means the majority on here? Not by anyone I know, (London) and not, (based on the threads I read - see MissConductUS on self selection ) on MN.

You have learnt that some "women are living in the 1950's"? No you have picked up a common, rather stupid comment that is often made by some posters about the circumstances of other posters when neither they not you really know what it was like t live in the 50s at all.

True MN is an eye opener to the differing lives of others. I hadn't realised how London-centric my own views were and how hard life is for parents of children with SN. I have also learnt lots of other things from some very well-informed posters on here.

Ah the mysterious 'could be outing' man hobby. Fucking golfer or such twattery

Well said MiraiDevant

OP, have you also not learned that many people will only start a thread when/if they have a problem with their DH or their life?

I mean, "We share housework and childcare equally" (for example) would make for a completely banal chat forum, if everyone in that sort of relationship were to start threads about it.

Ditto for a lot of other things on your list.

Have you really managed to get to adulthood without ever having cooked anything from scratch?

Think hard, I'm sure you have somewhere along the line.

most of the things you have posted are exactly my life!

No, OP, you have simply interpreted what you have read through your own life experience. I’m a little embarrassed for you. Don’t attempt to foist your own opinions on others as if they are best. They are only opinions.

Also PLEASE cancel the cheque!!!

And OP you say you don't know one sahm ? Even when I worked (only PT so please forgive me) I knew plenty of sahms

WorralLiberty - I rarely cook (anything) but when I do it’s usually something quick and easy with lots of shortcuts. Luckily DH is interested in good food and enjoys cooking so we don’t starve!

I've learnt a lot about disablism from MN. It's been a real eye opener.

I've learnt that many people have poor reading comprehension, others have poor risk assessment skills, and others have huge amounts of compassion.

I've learnt to always try and see the other persons point of view before judging them as the range of possibilities for why they did what they did is limitless. MN is great for this I think.

I have learnt, mainly from the relationship boards, that the general consensus is right.

If you ask about taking back your cheating husband for the sake of the children and everyone tells you he's lying and will do it again.
Yup they're right, sadly
I do understand that people tend to post when something is very wrong, but it's sad how many people out there are treated like utter crap by their partners.

Sadly, I’ve learned

There is a lot of very anxious people out there who don’t answer their doors, don’t like visiting people and don’t like having guests.

There are a lot of very insecure jealous women who dislike their husbands being in the vicinity of another women, never mind talking to her. The idea of them looking at a pic of a naked celeb devastates them.

There are a lot of people who live in filthy messy conditions willingly.

There are a lot of very rude people who like to tell people to fuck off for any minor misdeamenour.

There are a lot of very kind people who will help a stranger,

There are a lot of women who do not groom themselves but take issue with other women who do, calling them names and accusing rhem of being vain, hiding behind make up and having something wrong with them if they care for their appearance.

There are a lot of people who get easily offended and start major arguments with their friends, family and neighbours for any little thing.

Many women stay in abusive relationships, put up with cheating and live with a financially controlling partner and find it easier or preferable to leaving.

A lot of women blindly put themselves into terribly vulnerable positions by giving up work, not being married and not even having any claim or share of a home and end up in awful circumstances because of it.

I’m not sure if people tend to post their problems on here rather than the positives or if they are more honest when they are on line and anonymous, but many of the things and attitudes you see on here you would not witness in real life.