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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no because we hadn't arranged anything

122 replies

snowonthehill · 15/12/2017 16:18

I am 19 and my parents are divorced. My dad still tries to stick to the contact arranged when I was a child, even though I am now obviously an adult. I have a feeling he's going to want to enforce the Christmas Eve and Boxing Day contact that I had as a child, and will just turn up outside my house to pick me up as "normal". If he just turns up without specifically pre-arranging anything with me, WIBU to text him and tell him I'm not free because we hadn't arranged anything?

OP posts:
Cabininthewoods69 · 15/12/2017 16:20

Text him and sa6 now about plans

TheNoseyProject · 15/12/2017 16:21

Tell him what your plans are now, no need to wait for it to kick off then. Yanbu to want to move away from childhood arrangements

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/12/2017 16:24

Unless there's some reason you want to disappoint your father on Christmas... just talk to him now about it.

junebirthdaygirl · 15/12/2017 16:25

Can the 2 of you sit down and sort something out for the future as its not easy for a dad in that situation. You take the grown up inititive and call jim to make aplan.
I have a friend who saw his 2 dds every Sunday since his divorce. They are much older than you now and still have lunch with him every Sunday..sometimes only one of them..sometimes the boyfriends or friends go along.
Move this on to a new footing now.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 15/12/2017 16:29

Well, you could do this of course. But you would only be reinforcing his thoughts of you as a kid.

You need to talk to him unless you’re totally happy with upsetting your dad on Christmas Eve.

Nyx1 · 15/12/2017 16:32

Tell him if you don't wish to meet
You are adults, you are supposed to meet when it suits both of you

Also you're 19, it's fine if you don't want to spend Xmas with parents

Do you want to see him generally?

Original poster
snowonthehill · 15/12/2017 16:33

I understand that in normal circumstances that would be the sensible thing to do. However I'm hesitant about it because he is very controlling and I feel like if I text him about it ahead of time it would be reinforcing the fact that his idea of contact is "what we do" - and if I texted him about it, I'd be refusing to give him "his time" with me, when actually I think that it should be a blank slate because the arrangements from my childhood shouldn't apply now that I'm an adult.

OP posts:
Chrys2017 · 15/12/2017 16:34

Why don't you just speak to the man?

Wolfiefan · 15/12/2017 16:34

Maybe tell him when you are free to see him?

AdoraBell · 15/12/2017 16:35

As pp have said, talk to him about it.

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 15/12/2017 16:35

If you want him to treat you like an adult then speak to him as one. Unless there is a massive back story then what you are doing is quite childish

ruleshelpcontrolthefun · 15/12/2017 16:35

Well you get to decide if and when to see him but waiting until the time is deliberately petty.

roseretro · 15/12/2017 16:36

Yes text him to say that you don’t need him to pick you up or collect you. You’re an adult and have your own plans now. You can meet another time

Also you could say that the prior contact arrangement obviously doesn’t apply anymore now that you’re an adult

Some parents seem to infantise their adult kids, by treating them like children

DeadGood · 15/12/2017 16:36

Are you afraid of him, OP? Because he may be controlling, but he can’t actually make you do anything you don’t want to.

So you can for example text him and say “just to let you know I will be spending Xmas with/at XYZ” and then he will have a clear picture of what is happening. He can get annoyed, but he can’t force you to spend the day with him.

Whereas if you forsee him showing up on the day, not knowing you will be out, you can guarantee some kind of fallout.

iamafraidofvirginiawolves3cats · 15/12/2017 16:37

Just send him a text. Hi, really busy getting ready for Xmas/ at work. So hectic this year doing x on Christmas Eve followed by xx on Boxing Day. Hope you are well. See you on xxx.

You are not a child and you could have changed these arrangements previously. You do not have to see your dad unless you want to and when you want to. You are an adult but he will not see you this way until you stop allowing him to treat you as a child. Have you posted about this before?
Does Dad know that you have outgrown the arrangement? I think parents can easily continue to treat their children as their children rather than adults unless the children set some boundaries.

Poshindevon · 15/12/2017 16:38

OP you are an adult. Contact arrangements finished when you were 16. You now set the time and place when you want go see your father. So call him and discuss it like the adult you are

Leeds2 · 15/12/2017 16:39

It would be easier to sort it out by talking to him, I think. If you don't want to, and assuming you do in fact want to see him over Christmas, why not text him asking what his plans are, and asking to sort out a mutually convenient time to meet? If he responds Christmas Eve and Boxing Day as usual, tell him you aren't free (if you aren't/don't want to meet) and suggest something that suits you.

Pengggwn · 15/12/2017 16:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChasedByBees · 15/12/2017 16:42

He may be expecting you to meet and not considering that you are now an adult which is annoying. However, not contacting him and then disappointing him on Christmas Eve in quite a deliberate way would be much worse. It would ruin his Christmas if he does have that expectation. It is childish and a bit cruel.

If you had friends that met every Christmas Eve, you would give them a heads up if you were changing the plan one year. It doesn't mean that they are entitled to your time.

Just tell him that you have other plans and if you want to and there's no specific reason not to, arrange to meet him over Christmas at another time.

Original poster
snowonthehill · 15/12/2017 16:43

Nyx1 I wish that he would understand that I'm allowed to have a choice about how I spend my Christmas, but he doesn't get it.

I don't mind seeing him generally as long as it's only every so often. He wants to see me much more than what I do but it's been happening and I feel kind of stuck.

Honestly I am a bit afraid of telling him what I want to do or don't want to do because he gets very angry when things don't happen the way he wants them to.

OP posts:
LimpidPools · 15/12/2017 16:43

I recommend messaging him as suggested above and announcing your plans to be elsewhere on those dates. Then make sure you're not in the house at "collection time". (And that he doesn't know where to find you.)

You probably should arrange with him when you will see him though.

TeenTimesTwo · 15/12/2017 16:44

Hi Dad. I'd like to fix up a day to see you over the holidays. I can do 23rd, 28th 29th 30th. Do any of these days suit? I could come over to yours before lunch, or we could meet at a pub. Let me know what works for you. Love snow.

fruitbrewhaha · 15/12/2017 16:45

Don't text him! Why does everybody send texts to relay important/sensitive info. Call him, actually speak to him. Then you can arrange a time that is mutually convenient. Tell him what days you are free.

Are you planning on spending 24/25/26 Dec with your Mum?

sinceyouask · 15/12/2017 16:46

I think it would end up being more stressful and upsetting for you (as well as for him) if you just waited until he turned up and said "but we didn't arrange anything, I'm not free", rather than telling him now that you won't be free.

You could send him a message along the lines of "are you free around the 27th (or whatever date works for you, obviously)? I have plans for Xmas Eve- Boxing Day so shall we sort out something for after that?"

FlashTheSloth · 15/12/2017 16:46

Are you not planning on seeing your dad, who clearly still wishes to see you, over Christmas? You need to sort it out with him now, not wait until he turns up and say no. If you have always done it then he isn't a mind reader that knows you aren't interested this year because you haven't made plans.

My siblings and I are all adults, I know our dad would be very disappointed not to see us over Christmas.