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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say no because we hadn't arranged anything

122 replies

snowonthehill · 15/12/2017 16:18

I am 19 and my parents are divorced. My dad still tries to stick to the contact arranged when I was a child, even though I am now obviously an adult. I have a feeling he's going to want to enforce the Christmas Eve and Boxing Day contact that I had as a child, and will just turn up outside my house to pick me up as "normal". If he just turns up without specifically pre-arranging anything with me, WIBU to text him and tell him I'm not free because we hadn't arranged anything?

OP posts:

KimmySchmidt1 · 15/12/2017 17:19

If he is controlling, then you tell him when you want to see him.

You need to grow up and take control at some point, and waiting until he shows is just game playing and psychological fvckery.

Be a mature adult and text him telling him when you are free. Better off and better for your mental health to approach it like that than to play his game (which he will see as you being childish and therefore will justify his controlling behaviour in his mind).

Are you trying to punish him for something?

Davespecifico · 15/12/2017 17:22

I agree with Lweji and Adalind’s thoughts. This is a controlling man. It’s hard enough to be partner of someone like this, never mind a 19 year d daughter.
OP, it might be useful for you to discuss this and other aspects of your issues with your dad on the relationships board. There are lots of people there with experience and advice.
Do text with dates. Keep the drama low. Don’t get drawn in if he gets angry. Just repeat dates you’re available. Good luck. X

Fanciedachange17 · 15/12/2017 17:22

The first time you stand up to him will be the hardest. It will get easier as you become more confident and he realises you are no longer the meek biddable DD he ordered around.
You've had some good text suggestions. I'd ask you to pick one that resonates, send it and turn off your phone so you don't have to immediately deal with the fall out. Sometimes learning you can take things at your own pace and not another's is really helpful. I'll give you an example. I've had a wall mounted post box fitted and I have a front door with no letter box cut into it. It's amazing how much more relaxed I am as I am in control of when I choose to receive post. Duri

ShowMePotatoSalad · 15/12/2017 17:27

I think you should now shift the relationship into one between two adults. As such, contact him beforehand and ask him his plans for Christmas, then tell him your's. Discuss making arrangements to meet up.

You're an adult now too so part of the responsibility for organising meeting up, and maintaining your relationship, is on you. If you don't want a relationship with him that's your prerogative. Don't wait until he arrives at your house - that's not a grown up thing to do.

Moanaohnana · 15/12/2017 17:28

I remember you posting about this before. Do you know why nothing has changed? Because YOU haven't changed it. If you always do what you've always done you'll always get what you've always got, as they say. I'm not saying it's easy, but there is nobody and nothing that is going to change this situation except you. You're being bullied and abused by this man and it will continue until you find the strength from somewhere within you to say, 'I'm an adult now, I don't want 'contact' like when I was a child, I want an adult relationship on both of our terms'.

On a practical note, OP, aren't you going away to uni or college or anything? Or travel? Can you get far away from him for a bit to break the cycle?

ShowMePotatoSalad · 15/12/2017 17:30

Also now that you're an adult there is no such thing as "his time". You can do what you like. I understand it's hard that he's controlling but if that's the case it won't help for him to turn up and you try to explain to him face to face and/or via text from the doorstep that you don't want to see him on that day.

It's hard to get out of the adult-child frame of mind but now is definitely the time to take control of what you want do and how you want your relationship to be.

He has no right to be angry or aggressive towards you. Don't hesitate to contact the police if you ever believe yourself to be in any danger. Being your father doesn't give him any right to control you or tell you what to do.

LizzieSiddal · 15/12/2017 17:36

Swan you will only get back some control, if you take control.

If you leave texting until the day he turns up, he will think he has a valid reason to be angry. If you start to arrange things now, YOU are being reasonable and adult about it.

Although after saying all that, do you actually want to see him? I had a dreadful relationship with my narsasitic mother, so understand your anxiety about all this. Christmas can be shit when you have an awful parent, but you are doing the right thing trying to do what you want. Good luck x

Blackteadrinker77 · 15/12/2017 17:38

It's time to start acting like an adult. Send him an email (if you can't ring) saying that you would like to talk to him about the time you spend with him.

Let him know that you don't want to keep to your childhood arrangement now you are an adult with a more hectic life.
That you would like to see him every few weeks and you'll text dates/times you are free for him to choose from.

Then say I am free x y z dates over Christmas, which one would suit you best? Then I can arrange with other people when I can see them.
Also can we meet up somewhere for food? It would be nice to have a meal together.

Love you loads, see you soon!

Don't leave this to blow up on your doorstep with your Dad feeling like he won't see you again.

Spudlet · 15/12/2017 17:41

My dad was like this op. Going nc was the best decision I ever made. I did it in my early twenties - I'm now 35. Occasionally I feel guilt.... but never regret. Which says a lot in itself.

for you... it isn't easy, having a parent like that. But whatever you choose, you are not alone.

AuldHeathen · 15/12/2017 17:46

Just talk to him? Or is he to only contact you on certain days of the week? Intact why not phone him and ask him out and chat to him then?

LizzieSiddal · 15/12/2017 17:48

I went non contact too.

Going by some of the advice you’re getting, I think quite a few posters here have no idea what it’s like to have an awful parent.

ptumbi · 15/12/2017 17:49

OP - is it possible to move away? Go to uni, or college - or even jsut work in a different county (not necessarily far ) ?? Join the Navy ?

I'd do that. Just for a year or so. Break the habit of 'his time' with you.

Moving away (120 miles) is the best thing I ever did. I grew up a lot and saw my entire family in a totally new light.

Jaxhog · 15/12/2017 17:50

Unless you tell him, he will turn up. The grown up thing to do is to tell him you have other plans.

It is very close to Christmas though. Is he likely to have made plans on the basis that you're spending Christmas with him? If so, suck it up this year, but tell him that you won't be seeing him next year. Do it as soon as you get home if he's likely to get angry. But don't leave until the last minute.

Ropsleybunny · 15/12/2017 17:51

You say you're an adult, well, act like one. Discuss it with your father in an adult way. By the way, it's lovely that he wants to see you.

Ropsleybunny · 15/12/2017 17:51

You say you're an adult, well, act like one. Discuss it with your father in an adult way. By the way, it's lovely that he wants to see you.

didyoureally · 15/12/2017 17:52

Is there another family member who your dad respects who could have a gentle word with him and smooth the way for you?

JemimaLovesHamble · 15/12/2017 17:53

Unless your DF has been abusive or neglectful, try and have some empathy and see it from his side, of course he'd like to see his child over Christmas, however old she/he is. And it can be very hard to let go and see your child as an adult, I know I'm sometimes guilty of that.

Get in first and take control. Text your Dad and ask if he'd like to meet up for lunch on Christmas Eve, or whatever day would suit you. You could even offer to help him with his shopping if you feel like it. If he says he'd like to spend Christmas with him just say that it won't be convenient this year, don't get drawn into explaining yourself.

InternetHoopJumper · 15/12/2017 17:54

For your own sake OP, learn to be "mean." If you don't, you will eventually end up with a romantic partner who will control and monopolize your time. Men like your father hone in on women who have trouble setting boundaries. Use this opportunity to practice and otherwise go no contact, as other posters suggested.

AcrossthePond55 · 15/12/2017 18:06

A very good saying is 'begin as you mean to go on'. You have decades of Xmases, birthdays, holidays, and other family occasions to come that will have to be 'dealt with' so it is very important that you firmly (but politely for now) set your own boundaries or you're going to find yourself caving in and resenting it. Or worse, you aren't going to do the things you want to do or live the life you want because he has 'other plans' for you.

Don't be 'reactive', be 'proactive'. You need to initiate contact and let him know your plans in advance. If you worry about his anger send a text rather than a face to face confrontation. The idea of someone thinking that a child access agreement continues into adulthood is absolutely ludicrous. And it's a way for him to 'infantilize' you and to keep controlling you.

You are no longer 'his child', you are an adult that he happens to be the parent of. Remember that.

Do you live on your own or are you still with your mum? Either way, remember that he has no right to show up at your door and you don't have to open the door to him (or anyone).

Since this appears to be the first time you've felt like putting your foot down, remember that there may be some unpleasantness. But if you can stick to your guns, it will be so worth it in the end.

JemimaLovesHamble · 15/12/2017 18:09

Don't text him! Why does everybody send texts to relay important/sensitive info. Call him, actually speak to him.

Because more combustible personality types may blow up when they receive news they don't like. Texting allows them to stomp around swearing and kicking things while they process the news, then hopefully they can speak about it in a more civil manner (this doesn't always work, but it does help me manage an unpleasant character in my family.)

zen1 · 15/12/2017 18:20

snowonthehill, due to your father’s controlling nature, don’t text him and ask him if it would be okay to just see him at lunchtime. Just decide in your mind first when or if you would like to see him and then text him with a date / time you will be available. Don’t get into a text conversation with him if he kicks off. Just repeat when you are around. It’s really hard, but you are an adult now and don’t have to put up with his controlling ways. You don’t have to see him at all if you don’t want to.

Summerisdone · 15/12/2017 18:23

As difficult as it may be, you need to find a way to express your feelings to your dad now. He needs to understand that you’re now an adult and sometimes you will see much less of him as you have your own things going on now you’re 19..

My cousin never knew how to stop her every other weekend arrangements with her dad, and now at 30 she still feels she has to spend every other Sunday with him otherwise he would be upset with her, and would make her feel awful for choosing not to see him that week.
So no matter what plans she may want to arrange, she still goes off (Now with her 8yr old DS) with her dad when he comes to pick them up.

RhiWrites · 15/12/2017 18:55

TeenTimesTwo had a great email script. I’d use that.

onalongsabbatical · 15/12/2017 19:08

snow I can't see if you've answered whether he's violent or not. Also, maybe he hasn't been violent, but you fear he could be.
For me, this information really changes any potential advice.
But you don't have to answer, it might feel exposing.
Take care of you, not your dad - he's an adult and should know how to take care of himself, or at least be expected to.

chestylarue52 · 15/12/2017 19:10

"Looking forward to seeing you over Christmas dad. I'm free x y z days, let's me know when suits"

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