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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say no because we hadn't arranged anything

122 replies

snowonthehill · 15/12/2017 16:18

I am 19 and my parents are divorced. My dad still tries to stick to the contact arranged when I was a child, even though I am now obviously an adult. I have a feeling he's going to want to enforce the Christmas Eve and Boxing Day contact that I had as a child, and will just turn up outside my house to pick me up as "normal". If he just turns up without specifically pre-arranging anything with me, WIBU to text him and tell him I'm not free because we hadn't arranged anything?

OP posts:

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 16/12/2017 10:29

Some posters are being really hard on you OP: you're 19 and in the position of standing up to a controlling parent, maybe for the first time. It will be scary to make a stand but this is your way to freedom. Text him, today, well in advance of Christmas, and tell him when you are available to meet. Let him huff and puff all he likes, he can't make you spend Christmas with him unless he bodily drags you off, and at that point it's a police matter. His reaction might not be a happy one, but so what? It sounds like he hasn't bern a particularly great dad and he's reaping what he has sown.

ComedyBoobs · 16/12/2017 10:52

Maintenance payments have bugger all to do with child/parent contact - it isnt 'pay per view'.

MakeItRain · 16/12/2017 10:54

I agree with a text along the lines of:

"I'm really busy (with friends if you are) over Christmas but maybe we could meet for lunch on x y or z. Let me know if you're free on any of those dates".
He will be cross and maybe come back with a "I'm expecting you on 24th and 26th as per our contact arrangements".
Then you need to steel yourself and send back a text restating the first message.
"Sorry I'm booked up over those dates but am free on the dates I gave you. Let me know if you'd like to meet for lunch on one of those days"
If he gets cross I'd be tempted to say "I'd rather not see you at all if you're feeling that angry" but I understand that would probably be too difficult for you. Perhaps just send a "sorry I'm not free then but can do the dates I gave you."
Does your mum support you in dealing with him?

Original poster

snowonthehill · 16/12/2017 11:43

Thanks for all your advice.

Hypothetically, if I didn't want any contact with him how would I go about it?

OP posts:

Lweji · 16/12/2017 11:46

Hypothetically, you'd tell him you don't. And if he persisted, it would be called harassment and a police matter.

ChickenPaws · 16/12/2017 11:48

Perhaps write to him telling him you no longer wish to have contact with him. If he becomes aggressive about it or starts to harass you then you will need to approach the police as you would anyone else who harasses you.

You’re an adult now and under no legal or moral obligation to continue having contact with this person.

Lweji · 16/12/2017 11:53

Too late now, but in case anyone interested is reading, even as a minor you can cut contact.

FreshStartToday · 16/12/2017 12:01

OP - glad to see that you are still here. You have had some harsh replies but hopefully even they will help you to move forward.

May I suggest that you look at doing the Freedom Programme online? It is for women who have been in abusive relationships but is empowering and helps you to focus on how you can behave in relationships to focus on your needs rather than just to react to the other person. It sounds as if you are at a turning point in your life, and may find it useful to think about your relationship with your dad and to plan ahead for future relationships of your own. (It's only £10, I think)

finnmcool · 16/12/2017 12:11

op regarding you feeling mean, remember it's your father's behaviour towards you that has led to this situation.
I agree about writing a letter. You can calmly make your points without being shouted down.

Missingstreetlife · 16/12/2017 12:30

Counselling may help you clarify your feelings in longer term. Do your workplace or college have facility? Otherwise lots of young people's organisations may help. Relate do family therapy if you want help talking it over with your dad.
Only you can decide if enough good in relationship or if you have to end contact. Probably hard for him to realise you are grownup, don't be bullied.

RandomMess · 16/12/2017 12:32

@snowonthehill how are you doing? At some point you need to stand up to his bullying, have you anyone who will support you.

You need to come from the angle that you are not doing Christmas/Boxing Day - give him no reasons and give him days/times you are free. You have nothing to lose as you don't like spending time with him.

If he gets nasty block his phone number

OnTheRise · 16/12/2017 12:52

You don't even have to tell him you want no further contact with him. Just stop responding to the messages he leaves you.

It's useful to tell him you want no contact, because then if he persists the police can step in and tell him to leave you alone. But you're not obliged.

HipNewName · 16/12/2017 16:49

I also have a controlling father, and I went no contact at about the same age you are. It was tough at first, and many of my relatives didn’t understand. None the less, it was the right thing for me.

The book “Toxic Parents” was very helpful for me. Learning to set boundaries when you’ve never been allowed to have any is difficult and scary. But it gets easier every time you do it.

Therapy can be very helpful. Learning how to have relationships that are fair is helpful in breaking the pattern and picking good men to be in our lives.

TeenTimesTwo · 16/12/2017 17:27

Hypothetically your could text: Hi Dad, just to let you know I'm busy over Christmas, so won't be available to meet up in the holidays. I'll text you sometime when I get less busy.

You could block his number so you don't get to see any replies.

Then contact him again or don't as you feel best.

If he turns up unannounced say 'Sorry, this isn't a good time' and close the door. If he escalates, call the police.

humblesims · 16/12/2017 17:33

*Perhaps write to him telling him you no longer wish to have contact with him. If he becomes aggressive about it or starts to harass you then you will need to approach the police as you would anyone else who harasses you.

You’re an adult now and under no legal or moral obligation to continue having contact with this person.*

I would reiterate ChickenPaws advice

GerdaLovesLili · 17/12/2017 09:54

So many teenagers on MN this weekend. If you're an adult, then either tell him of your adult Christmas plans, or just be somewhere else. It's not that hard is it?

WatchingFromTheWings · 17/12/2017 10:15

If he is contributing financially, then yes, you owe him

Like hell she does!! As I've seen on MN a number of times, kids (whatever their age) are not pay-per-view!

I know how tough it is having a controlling parent. In my case it was my DM. Even when I left home, got married and had kids, she'd still treat me like a child. I was 27 the first time I said no to her. Her reaction to that was to not speak to me for ages and cut me out of her will. We started speaking again eventually but things were never quite the same. I reduced contact (partly intentional, partly due to life getting in the way) and I felt better for it.

Even up until I turned 40 she never quite got the idea that I'm an adult with my own mind. I've been NC for 18 months now. Best thing I ever did.

I'd go with one of the text messages pp have written. Didn't have that option with my DM as she had no mobile! It's so hard but you'll feel better for it.

LilRedWG · 17/12/2017 10:21

Send him a text today saying, "When are you free over Christmas to get together? I want to sort something before I'm fully booked!".

This should make it clear that: you want to see him; that you are an adult with plans of your own to consider; and that he needs to make prior arrangements with you.

Nicecuppatea21 · 17/12/2017 10:56

You don't want to see him so don't text to say that you do. He didn't treat you well. It's hard to know how bad things were from your posts. I know it's not easy. My two adult children are in a similar situation. To be honest they lie and make up things like mum is doing such and such/they have plans with Tom, Dick & Harry.

If you really don't want contact at all and if you are scared of him don't see him. Text him and say you feel upset over x, y and z and don't want to continue contact arrangements because you are no longer a child. Spell it out short and sweet.

I know it's not easy but you can't be bullied by him all your life. Does your mum have any suggestions.

If you can't face saying you want no contact just text and say you don't want to stick with the contact arrangements because you are not a child anymore and you have made other plans to see your friends over Xmas which incidentally is 100% normal. Healthy parents get this. Say you can meet for lunch on whatever day.

If you want to cut him out of your life write a short letter spelling it out.

You only have one life pet. It's very hard, like I say my kids are in the same situation. I constantly make up lies to give them an excuse. In my view he doesn't deserve their loyalty as he treated them badly, including incidents of assault and scary verbal abuse.

They don't want to cut him off completely because they feel sorry for him. They have distanced themselves and contact is gradually being lessened.

He doesn't deserve a daughter like you. Perhaps you could seek counselling to deal with the trauma of his abuse. Women's Aid can give you advice. Ring them they are great. They don't just deal wit has spousal abuse

I really wish you well. If you can find the support you need you can find strategies to stand up to him.

I will be thinking about you. From what I have seen with my kids and some of their friends this is not an uncommon situation x

Downtheroadfirstonleft · 17/12/2017 12:11

What you do OP is up to YOU.
You DO NOT have to see him if you don't want to. You are an adult and the decision is yours.

Lots of support on the "Stately homes" thread in relationships if you need it.

A lot of us have been where you are and understand what you are saying.

littletinyme1 · 17/12/2017 13:47

I don't have much contact with one of my parents. I live a long way from them which makes it easier. It is perfectly normal for us to reduce contact with a parent (especially if they are controlling) as you become a teen, with your own mind and right to make your own decisions. YOU set the parameters of you future relationship with your dad. Once you decide this is how it is going to be, you will feel much better. If he was a decent dad, he woukd not be forcing you to keep to a regime without any account of whether you are busy.

What do you do when you are with him? Are you able to identify why you don't want to see him? If he makes you feel uncomfortable stop seeing him. Begin to set a more adult relationship with him- why does he pick you up? Do you stay over? Does he think you want/expect to continue the relationship this way? Does he gave anyone ekse in his life? I now email short innocuous emails a couple of times a year.
Start to be a bit more asserive- use phrases like i can't do that, i don' t want to come on xx, i am busy this week xx see you in 2/4/6 weeks time. Or better still get a hobby that falls on your contact days - that way you will feel less busy. But it is fine to say no!

GreenTulips · 17/12/2017 14:05

OP if you don't want to see him then don't - you decide

All those who say 'he's your dad' 'you'll always be his little girl' have no idea what these men are like -

You can make those choices as scary as they are as you grown into your confidence of setting your own boundaries

He hasn't made plans with you, why would it be any different if it was a friend rocking up expecting you to be free Christmas Eve? People make arrangements for a reason

Enjoy your Christmas

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