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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no because we hadn't arranged anything

122 replies

snowonthehill · 15/12/2017 16:18

I am 19 and my parents are divorced. My dad still tries to stick to the contact arranged when I was a child, even though I am now obviously an adult. I have a feeling he's going to want to enforce the Christmas Eve and Boxing Day contact that I had as a child, and will just turn up outside my house to pick me up as "normal". If he just turns up without specifically pre-arranging anything with me, WIBU to text him and tell him I'm not free because we hadn't arranged anything?

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 15/12/2017 19:17

His right to see his child? This whole issue of maintaininng contact with the non-resident parent is to do with the right of the child to see their parent.

onalongsabbatical · 15/12/2017 19:18

Coyoacan exactly this!

ptumbi · 15/12/2017 19:24

now at 30 she still feels she has to spend every other Sunday with him otherwise he would be upset with her,

This is madness.

Having a parent (or child) upset with you is not the end of the world. Life goes on. The world still turns. But one of you has to accept the change.

Maria1982 · 15/12/2017 19:28

snow , think of what you want first. I get that it's hard after years of being conditioned into doing what he wants. But you are an adult now, and if you don't want to see him you don't have to.

Some posters are being a bit harsh - yes 19 is an adult, but it is hard to change relationships, and hard to stand up to someone like snow's dad.

That's why I say - decide what you want first, hen contact him.
Texting is fine if it helps keep things calm.
Yes to giving him options of days which suit you.
Yes just lunch is absolutely fine.

You have my sympathy. I have a similar relationship, where if I suggest a day they come back offering 3 days staying over, and my reaction is like what??! That's not what I said.
You just have to keep repeating what you want. In boring but calm and steady manner

ArnoldBee · 15/12/2017 19:33

If he's still paying maintenance for you this will re-inforce the idea that you're a child so it will be a balancing act however as you're old enough to get married, vote or buy a house you need to change the dynamic and your reaction to him.

BoneyBackJefferson · 15/12/2017 19:40

you say that you are an adult yet are acting like a child.

Break the circle.

Missingstreetlife · 15/12/2017 19:43

Read Ann Dixon, a woman in your own right
Just say no

GrooovyLass · 15/12/2017 19:53

Some v harsh replies here. Op is 19 - my DM could still make me feel like a child until she died when I was 33 and we had a good relationship! It's not easy to "grow up and act like an adult" when your parent won't treat you like an adult.

Op my DD is 18 and has a similar relationship with her father as you with yours. I agree with pp that a text saying "I can meet you on X, Y or Z for lunch over Christmas. Which one suits you best?" would be the best way to go. Good luck xxx

Huskylover1 · 15/12/2017 19:56

What is it, that you actually want to do instead, on Christmas Eve and Boxing day?

If you simply let him turn up, and then shoo him away, that would be very unkind.

Text now and get it all sorted.

I have a 19 year old & a 20 year old. They both still stick to the arrangement between me and Ex, that we've had in place for the past 9 years. But this is because one doesn't have a partner and the other ones partner flies home for Christmas. So, there's nowhere else they would spend Christmas. I'm pretty sure, if DS Partner stayed in this Country at Christmas, that the cycle would break. And that would be fine.

Just text him!

"Hi Dad. Just sorting out my diary for over Christmas. I'm actually out with mates Christmas eve, we are going clubbing :-) Would it be okay if I came to yours on 27th for our get together?"

I'm sure he will be quite hurt though, if he finds out that you want to spend all your time with your Mum and not see him. That may well be justified of course, if he's a monumental twat!

BlackeyedSusan · 15/12/2017 19:58

you are an adult. you do not have to see him at all ever if you so choose. if he tries to force it there are legal remedies.

just think of all those grown women who have difficulty with coercive control... much more difficult when it is parent and child, even if the child is an adult.

AlansLeftMoob · 15/12/2017 20:00

snowonthehill
Text him now - but don't ask "would it be okay" or "would it suit you" because if he is controlling he will immediately say "no, you know Christmas Day is our day" etc. Text him and say "Hi Dad, wanted to let you know not to include me in Christmas plans this year, but I'm free for lunch on 23rd (or whenever), meet you there". Short, to the point, you make all the decisions. You're 19 now, you're an adult, nobody has the right to control you and I really feel for you.
Do it now and get it out of the way.

kinkajoukid · 15/12/2017 20:14

I understand your predicament Snow my father can be like this although less angry now and more emotionally manipulative, but also known for just showing up if it suits him which is not fun. Sometimes the dread of dealing with someone like that can be crushing, and so I quite understand the impulse to want to put it off dealing with him for another day. But yes I agree that leaving it until the day would make it worse in the long run.

Its easy to say behave like an adult and that is how he will treat you but not everyone is as reasonable as this sadly, but taking control of what you can will help you feel better. He doesn't really deserve anything from you with his angry and demanding behaviour, so the goal is just to give you what you need.

I am fully no contact with my father now after years of being on and off with contact and arguments and it really is a fantastic relief. It is easier because he doesn't know where I live now though... but even so, I managed to get distance the needed beforehand. As PP have said, don't leave it. Some people will never change their behaviour so you need to save yourself and get rid.

What you want is the most important thing - do you have people in RL who could support you if you decided not to see him at all? Sometimes a managed distancing is helpful to start with. Sometimes it just needs to stop, now.

MrsCrabbyTree · 16/12/2017 01:28

I join the others who say text your Dad but only give him 2 times that you are free. I suggest 2 times only as this implies you have other plans (which you can make up if you need to if Dad wants any other times) as giving him multiple choices will not have him thinking that you have limited free time which allows him to open a negotation. It also gives you some sense of control. Should Dad not want to meet up at a time of your choosing you can say that those are the only times you are free ... sorry Dad.

Also, role play to practice your responses. Perhaps with your Mum or a good friend or two. Having some replies ready to recall will help you confidently respond to your Dad's controlling.

Keep in mind that if it doesn't go as well as you would like this time, you are one step closer to cancelling those visits. Practice makes perfect.

We are all on your side. Stay strong.

BunsOfAnarchy · 16/12/2017 01:41

He's your dad. He will never see you as an adult at 19 lol. Trust me when I say you will remain a little girl to him as long as possible.
Pick up the phone and call him. But before you do that, what are your plans for christmas eve and boxing day? Have you been invited elsewhere etc?
Can you not spare an hour or two on both days so he still gets to see his dd over the festive period?
Its really important you call him and speak to him. He's still your dad.

HipNewName · 16/12/2017 02:21

I think the adult way to deal with it is to think about when you DO want to see him, and then call and discuss it with him.

There is a really good book called "Toxic Parents" that you might found helpful. It helped me learn to set boundaries with my parents. The best line that I got from this book is:

I can see how you would feel that way. None the less, this is what I've decided to do.

Then just keep repeating the line to whatever they say, until they get it.

MessyBun247 · 16/12/2017 02:25

It’s really important to call him and speak to him. He’s still your dad.

Um no. He’s controlling and OP doesn’t want to see him. She isn’t obliged to spend time with someone just because she is related to him. She’s an adult who can decide what she wants to do. A clear, straight to the point text is better than a phone call, when it comes to controlling, emotionally manipulative people.

OP it’s really hard but he needs to understand that he’s not calling the shots anymore. Him getting angry and controlling you and demanding that he has to see you is NOT ok. He sounds completely selfish and he doesn’t care about your feelings. It’s all about his wants and needs. You don’t need someone like that in your life. Don’t feel like you have to spend time with him just because he is your parent. Your wants and needs and feelings are just as important as his, even though he has always made you feel like they aren’t.

AlpacaLypse · 16/12/2017 02:26

Definitely stick to text to organise day and time for meet up. If it's in writing it prevents misunderstandings. You can do this, of course it's going to take more than five minutes to create an adult child/parent relationship but now that you are 19 it's time to start that process off.

ComedyBoobs · 16/12/2017 02:59

I don't think the posters who are advising that you to pick up the phone & talk to your dad understand what it's like dealing with an angry and controlling parent.

Sorry, no advice, but I do understand that the 'Fear, Obligation & Guilt' relationship is a difficult one to break free from.

justilou1 · 16/12/2017 07:29

Does he still pay maintenance? I would imagine that if he wishes to stick to previous plans, then he should still contribute financially. If he is contributing financially, then yes, you owe him.

MessyBun247 · 16/12/2017 07:55

She doesn’t owe him anything!!!! My god are you being serious?
Fathers pay maintenance because contributing financially to their child’s life is the right thing to do. The OP doesn’t have to be controlled by him just because he contributed financially! Ever heard of financial abuse?

K9Time · 16/12/2017 08:32

Please don’t ask him OP - tell him and tell him by text so you can refer back.

He needs to learn you are an adult now and you need to show him that!

Be strong and good luck 😊

tillytown · 16/12/2017 08:38

You don't have to see him if you don't want too. Just because he wants something, doesn't mean you have to do it. And please ignore the posters telling you to grow up, they clearly have no experience of abusive parents.

Allthecoolkids · 16/12/2017 08:54

Hi Dad, just thinking about Christmas this year and when we would see each other.

How about lunch at on at ?

seven201 · 16/12/2017 10:04

Please speak up. If you don't do it now it will carry on every year. Send the text from the person before.

Trills · 16/12/2017 10:09

I would always relay this kind of information by text rather than phone even for a nice person.

That way they have time to look at their calendar, discuss with anyone else who might be involved, before they get back to me. Asking on the phone puts people on the spot.

Absolutely agree with being proactive and making a suggestion. Not phrasing it as a change from the "usual contact" because that usual no longer applies.

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