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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no because we hadn't arranged anything

122 replies

snowonthehill · 15/12/2017 16:18

I am 19 and my parents are divorced. My dad still tries to stick to the contact arranged when I was a child, even though I am now obviously an adult. I have a feeling he's going to want to enforce the Christmas Eve and Boxing Day contact that I had as a child, and will just turn up outside my house to pick me up as "normal". If he just turns up without specifically pre-arranging anything with me, WIBU to text him and tell him I'm not free because we hadn't arranged anything?

OP posts:
GinIsIn · 15/12/2017 16:46

If you want to been seen as an adult then choosing the most childish possible course of action isn’t the best way to go about it. If you don’t want to talk to him, send a text or an email. You say you don’t want to because he’ll be angry. Are you expecting him to be all sunshine and rainbows if he turns up at your house and you refuse to go out? It’s not a better option.

ptumbi · 15/12/2017 16:47

Honestly I am a bit afraid of telling him what I want to do or don't want to do because he gets very angry when things don't happen the way he wants them to. - and that is why he does it.

The only way to stop it, is to buck against it. Every time. Go away from chirstmas or Boxing day, even if it's just to the country somewhere. Start digging in your heels, be unavailable.

You are an adult now, and he can't just impose his wishes on you. You can change things.

rightsofwomen · 15/12/2017 16:48

Do you actually want to see him at all? Do you feel an obligation to?
Is there something specific you do like doing with him?

I know people are saying you're an adult and can make your own decisions, and of this is true, but I also get that there is a father/son dynamic and that complicates things.

OnTheRise · 15/12/2017 16:49

Tell him what you're doing for Christmas, and when you will or won't see him.

if he gets angry, tell him you're not going to talk to him while he's so angry and end the conversation.

If he tries to change your mind, tell him it's not up for discussion and if he persists, end the conversation.

Don't let him bully you into doing things you don't want to do.

And I disagree with the poster who said you should phone and talk to him. If he's likely to go off on one you're much safer having the converstaion by text. It gives him less opportunity to bully you.

Lweji · 15/12/2017 16:49

For controlling and emotionally abusive people, by text is best.

Tell him when you'll visit him and if that is convenient for him. You're an adult, he doesn't need to pick you up.

AdalindSchade · 15/12/2017 16:51

Fgs posters can't you see she's 19, scared of her emotionally abusive father and doesn't know how to navigate the situation.

greenlynx · 15/12/2017 16:51

If you do want (or don't mind) to see him you could wait until the morning of the 24th and then txt him something like " Hi Dad, have a card/present for you. Is it ok for me to pop in/ could we meet up on ......" and suggest a day/ time which works for you. If you don't want see him -- it's another story, but maybe give him a chance to build a relationship with new grown-up you.

laurely · 15/12/2017 16:53

I have a 19 year old . I still see him as my little boy but I'm learning to back off. He's very good at letting me know when I need to back off and I respect him for telling me.

Just text your dad. Tell him what your plans are over Xmas and when you can see him . If he says " well that's my day" you simply tell him that you have plans but can see him on XYZ day . Also tell him you need to have a chat about "contact time" now you are an adult . Good luck

BewareOfDragons · 15/12/2017 16:53

Test him as suggested by TeenTimesTwo. Keep it casual but firm: lay out options you are comfortable with, but seemingly giving him a bit of a choice.

REmember you don't owe him what he wants. You are an adult. You get to decide how you're going to spend your time

StormTreader · 15/12/2017 16:54

Hi Dad. I'd like to fix up a day to see you over the holidays. I can do 23rd, 28th 29th 30th. Do any of these days suit? I could come over to yours before lunch, or we could meet at a pub. Let me know what works for you. Love snow.

^this. Also, the people saying "call him!" are not allowing for the fact he is controlling, you want agreements in writing with controlling people otherwise he may turn up when he wants and claim that the OP "misunderstood" the plans or is just plain wrong that this isnt what was agreed.

Nyx1 · 15/12/2017 16:56

OP I have some experience of a father who can be angry and controlling

Reducing contact - or stopping it completely- is your choice now but I understand how hard it will be to tell him that

You will feel a great sense of relief after though

He's not violent I hope?

Popchyk · 15/12/2017 16:57

I agree with OnTheRise.

This is a good opportunity to do things differently from now on. Take charge and you can break the cycle. Offer him a couple of different dates that you can make to see him and try to get there and back under your own steam to see him. Him picking you up and dropping you off is part of that cycle. He might even be glad that you made the effort to travel to see him on your own.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 15/12/2017 17:00

The reason she texts is because she is scared of getting a strong negative verbal reaction . I like the suggestions earlier actuallly to be proactive and suggest dates you are free x

Also might be worth reading and exploring about assertiveness as sadly what we learn from parents we carry into life xxxx

KitKat1985 · 15/12/2017 17:06

I get that you are worried about getting a negative reaction, but you're definitely going to get a negative reaction if he drives all the way over to pick you up and you then announce that you're not going. Just send a text along the lines of 'Hi Dad, I'm quite busy over Christmas this year but would like to see you at some point. Can we meet on X or Y dates?'. That way you've made it clear you're not automatically going to be free on Christmas eve / Boxing day, but he still knows you would like to see him at some point which hopefully will help negate the disappointment for him a bit.

RestingGrinchFace · 15/12/2017 17:07

Telling his to sod off on the day is going a bit far unless you really hate him. It will really upset him. If that is what you want (fair enough if you do, I don't know what your relationship is like but I know that parent/child relationships can be quite fraught) then do as you originally intended. If you want to put an end to his expectations of 'visitation' but don't want to hurt him then send him a gentle text saying that you want to see him over Christmas and are free on x day-does it work for him. If he brings up Christmas Eve or Boxing Day say that you already have plans. There is no need to be covfribtatiobal unless he insists on seeing you on those days.

diddl · 15/12/2017 17:10

"If he says " well that's my day""

That's ideally when he's told that there is no "his" day anymore & you are letting him know when you can see him.

I'm sure that it wouldn't be easy to do though.

Original poster
snowonthehill · 15/12/2017 17:12

I wouldn't be particularly upset if I didn't ever see him, I don't miss him when I haven't seen him for a few weeks. But I feel an obligation because I would feel mean if I just told him he couldn't see his child.

I will try to find the courage to text him, would it be okay just to meet up for lunch or something rather than a full day? He's always telling me what he wants to do rather than asking what I want, so I feel bad when I don't do what he wants.

OP posts:
DoubleNegativePanda · 15/12/2017 17:12

My dd is 16, but I can absolutely imagine her being in your position at 19. Assuming you do wish to see him at some point during the holiday, the advice I would give her would be to text him and say something along the lines of "Hi Dad, are you available on xxx date/time to get together? Would like to bring your gift and visit for christmas". Reiterate that you have plans for christmas day and remind him that childhood visitation schedules are for when you are a child, which you are not.

abouttimeforanotherone · 15/12/2017 17:13

You are an adult. You cannot be forced into doing something by someone else if you don't want to do it. As others say, let him know in advance that you will not be available and if he gets angry with you, then tell him that the way he treats you is the reason you don't want to spend time with him. If he's controlling, then all the more reason to put your foot down now.

Fanciedachange17 · 15/12/2017 17:14

What do you want to do Snow ? I'm picking up a sense of duty and guilt rather than real love for your Dad. Time to put your needs first.

fruitbrewhaha · 15/12/2017 17:14

I've just seen your post about him being an arsehole. In that case a text will do.

Just tell him when you are free. He can't make you see him.

dataandspot · 15/12/2017 17:14

Snowonthehill

I think you have had some harsh replies .

Having been scared of someone's angry reaction and controlling behaviour I think your worries are totally understandable especially since you are only 19.

Try and look past the less sensitive replies and take the good advice on here. Good luck!

becotide · 15/12/2017 17:15

It took me a long timeto force my father to treat me like an adult, and the trick is to remain almost robotically calm, and treat him like you would any other middle aged man who thinks you owe him your time. ie "No, thanks for the offer but I've got plans"

RatherBeRiding · 15/12/2017 17:15

Do it now - by text - then he knows. If he starts trying to insist on his "contact time" just keep repeating "I'm not free on X date but I am free on Y date". If he starts to get angry/threatening keep it simple, keep it polite, keep it factual "I have plans on that date. Now that I am adult the old contact arrangements are not in place. I would like to see you. These are the dates that I am free."

You are still very young, and you've had a controlling father all your life, and you're a bit afraid of him. It won't be easy but just keep in your head that you are now an adult and your life is your own.

If you really think he will turn up on your doorstep on "contact time", make sure you are out, turn off your phone, don't let him know where you are.

Bluntness100 · 15/12/2017 17:17

ok are you not intending to see him at all over Xmas?

If you are text

“ hey how about meeting up x date as I won’t see you over the Xmas period”

It seems like you wish him to recognise you’re an adult now, yet are baulking at the thought of acting like one so just want to hide from it, becayse you’re scared, so in this sense this is still a parent child relationship, not a parent adult child.

Most families see each other over thr Xmas period, and yes as adults, that sometimes means a duty visit for many,

I think I’d ask myself if you really don’t want to see him or you’re simoly trying to prove a point in a childish manner.