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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband says I’m selfish

101 replies

LilyFlower2222 · 13/12/2017 10:24

I asked if we could spend Christmas on our own with DC without he’s family. Been together for 17 years and since I met his family I’ve been cooking Christmas dinner etc and not one of them offers to help even the washing up. DH says he helps which means him sitting down and having a drink. I still have to also look after the DC whilst hosting all the adults. We have been going to inlaws for past years. Now we are in a bigger property it’s still not big enough to host everyone however the inlaws are insisting on coming regardless. I explained it would be nice to have one Christmas where I’m not running around. I explained it’s not that I don’t want he’s family to come it’s because I also want to relax and enjoy Christmas with DC. My family live abroad so not involved. AIBU. Thanks

OP posts:
BrandNewHouse · 13/12/2017 10:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

amusedbush · 13/12/2017 10:28

however the inlaws are insisting on coming regardless

That's so nice of them to bring loads of prepared dishes to help you out on Christmas Day. No? Then no invitation.

If your DH wants his family there on Christmas Day, he'd better get his apron on.

BrandNewHouse · 13/12/2017 10:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissingPanda · 13/12/2017 10:28

You're not selfish, he is. YANBU

Justanothernameonthepage · 13/12/2017 10:28

YANBU
but this year, tell him you'll help him.
Then leave it to him. Help out if he asks, but step back. If you can, make plans to pop out Christmas day and visit someone to stop yourself swooping in and doing it.
Also applies to prepping the house for visitors.
And practice saying 'this year I decided to help DH as my gift to me'.
Maybe make sure there are some pizzas in the freezer.

Tinselistacky · 13/12/2017 10:29

I feel a wrist sprain coming your way op. And a Delia does Christmas book going dh way!!

Chocolate254 · 13/12/2017 10:29

Yanbu not selfish at all.

Cantuccit · 13/12/2017 10:30

God, YANBU at all!

Tell him if he wants them to come, then he has to do ALL the work and STICK to it!

Or take your to your home country for Xmas and leave H and in laws to it.

Does he generally treat you like a skivvy?

Quartz2208 · 13/12/2017 10:31

I would just say you are fine with them coming round but you are not cooking so if he is wanting it he can with there help (and stick to it)

RestingGrinchFace · 13/12/2017 10:32

In you place I would just book a day at the spa and leave them to sort themselves out.

SleepFreeZone · 13/12/2017 10:33

This would just be a red rag to a bull to me. I would basically leave him and his family to it and fuck off out somewhere else.

amusedbush · 13/12/2017 10:33

Or even better - you can all go out for a nice Christmas lunch and he can pay for it. Seeing as it's sooooo important to him to have his family there it should be no problem to him.

LittleLionMansMummy · 13/12/2017 10:33

I would counter that he's selfish for sitting on his lazy arse while you struggle with everything, including the children. Say that you expect him to pull his weight, make it clear what you expect, and if he doesn't do it you have laid the ground for never doing it again - and make this explicitly clear to him at the outset.

Chocolate254 · 13/12/2017 10:34

Total agree with littlelion

Fishface77 · 13/12/2017 10:36

Send a message round to his family and say I'm not doing Christmas this year you will need to make other arrangements

Jaxhog · 13/12/2017 10:40

Tell him yes, provided:

a/ He cooks the dinner, while you relax
b/ You go to your family next year

CrazyMary · 13/12/2017 10:40

YANBU. Your DH needs to pull his weight and do his share of the work. If the ILS are coming, get them to entertain the DC while DH helps in the kitchen.

Gruach · 13/12/2017 10:41

When was the last time you spent Christmas (or any other significant time) with your family? Do you want to?

Because there may come a time when you look back and feel tremendously sad about all the wasted years of not seeing them. Your husband's family connection is not more important than yours.

Mishappening · 13/12/2017 10:43

Make a list of what each person should bring: prepared veg from one, pudding from another etc. That's what we do - it works fine - no resentments.

Mulberry72 · 13/12/2017 10:43

YANBU.

I’m in a similar situation, I’ve said no visitors Christmas Day/Boxing Day, nor are we going to anyone else’s house. MIL has seen her arse big time, so has SIL but I’m not arsed.

Do it your way OP, don’t be bullied or take any shit!

RidingWindhorses · 13/12/2017 10:43

So if he wants to host his family he cooks the Christmas meal, right?

He can buy the whole lot from Cook and bung it in the oven.

RidingWindhorses · 13/12/2017 10:44

Make a list of what each person should bring: prepared veg from one, pudding from another etc. That's what we do - it works fine - no resentments.

Don't you mean her DH should be making the list?

JoJoSM2 · 13/12/2017 10:44

I wouldn’t like to do all the work for everyone. I’d tell him that they are welcome to come but he’ll need to shop, cook and wash up afterwards. And tell the family to arrange what dishes they’ll bring with DH.

HermioneAndTheSniffle · 13/12/2017 10:45

Nope not selfish at all.

Seeing that your issue is that you are running around like a headless chicken and it’s so easy to organise all that, what about your propose to your DH that he is handling all the christmas dinner etc... and you will HELP by looking afetr the dcs??
That way, he gets his Christmas iwth the IL and you finally get your quiet time enjoying Christmas with the dcs.
This means of course that you will NOT step in on the day whe everything will go per shape, meal not ready in time etc....

Fishface77 · 13/12/2017 10:46

Also don't rely on your DH doing anything, you know he won't do it and you will end up doing it. Even if he cooks he'll leave the washing up or something.