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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband says I’m selfish

101 replies

LilyFlower2222 · 13/12/2017 10:24

I asked if we could spend Christmas on our own with DC without he’s family. Been together for 17 years and since I met his family I’ve been cooking Christmas dinner etc and not one of them offers to help even the washing up. DH says he helps which means him sitting down and having a drink. I still have to also look after the DC whilst hosting all the adults. We have been going to inlaws for past years. Now we are in a bigger property it’s still not big enough to host everyone however the inlaws are insisting on coming regardless. I explained it would be nice to have one Christmas where I’m not running around. I explained it’s not that I don’t want he’s family to come it’s because I also want to relax and enjoy Christmas with DC. My family live abroad so not involved. AIBU. Thanks

OP posts:
HermioneAndTheSniffle · 13/12/2017 10:48

Fish actually I think planning some very days out with the dcs and wo the DH would be a good way to get around the cleaning bit.
Plates can stay dirty of a few days until he is getting the message the OP is NOT going to do it.

Howmanysleepstillsanta · 13/12/2017 10:49

If you are selfish then he's seriously deluded. Stand your ground. Don't let him bully you.

BarbaraofSevillle · 13/12/2017 10:50

So you cook dinner, wash up, host the inlaws and mind the DCs while he sits and has a drink. Who in their right mind could see that as him 'helping' Confused.

Or does he do all the shopping, buy the presents, clean the house, put the decorations up and prepare beds if people are staying?

I would do nothing and if he keeps going on about his family coming for Christmas, leave him to it. If he hasn't bought and prepared a dinner when they turn up, that's his problem.

KimmySchmidt1 · 13/12/2017 10:51

Offer to have them over provides he does everything. Why does he want you to do everything and not him? Sounds like he is being selfish.

You'd be surprised at how much men like a bloody good set of home truths every now and again and a really water tight response to their boundary pushing - they are a bit like toddlers in that respect. Do it with humour but do it in a way what is irrefutable. Men love boundaries.

Trinity66 · 13/12/2017 10:51

wow. I seriously am astounded reading some of these threads, I can't believe how selfish and really really sexist some men are, YANBU, absolutely not. Don't let him do that to you

Eeeeek2 · 13/12/2017 10:52

Don’t host make him do it.

Or say you’ll provide a cold buffet (so you can do it early and relax on the day)

ptumbi · 13/12/2017 10:52

OP - you've posted before about him (I recognise your posting...style)

He is a dick. You are a martyr. Nothing will change. He won't talk to you (other than namecalling) and you won't issue an ultimatum and stick to it.

If you won't do something to change the situation, nothing will change. He certainly won't - why would he? He has got everything (food,clean house, kids looked after without lifting a finger, sex, you doing sodding everything for him) - why would he want that to change?

YOU have to change it. YOU don't do the xmas dinner or hosting. Full stop. No whining that 'the kids'll go hungry', the 'guests will think badly of me', 'the house would be in a state'...

Just don't do it. Give him/them a shock.

whiskyowl · 13/12/2017 10:54

Let. It. Break.

Agree with your DH that he does everything this year, as you have previously. Send an email to the inlaws breezily explaining that you're tired and need a rest, so he will be handling things. Let him do EVERYTHING - the shopping, the cleaning, the childcare, the cooking, the washing up. It will be a disaster, but it will lead to positive change.

nellieellie · 13/12/2017 10:55

I agree with Hermione. Say yes, of course his parents can come. But, you have cooked Xmas dinner for everyone for 17 years, so it seems reasonable for him to be responsible for food prep and cooking this time. You will of course “help out” by looking after DC and keeping his parents company on the sofa.
If my DH was like this TBH I wouldn’t lift a finger if he was sitting down and I was in the kitchen.

Original poster
LilyFlower2222 · 13/12/2017 10:55

They’ve never offered to cook anything. I’m grateful for the quality Street and that’s as far as it goes. I’ve been thinking about this for the past few days and it’s making me realise DH doesn’t listen to my concerns. Surely if he cared he would acknowledge my feelings. I suppose it’s exposing how our relationship is deteriorating.
I wish I could spend Christmas with my family but traveling at this time is expensive.
Thanks for the replies

OP posts:
ptumbi · 13/12/2017 10:55

Men love boundaries Angry - well i think you'll find that 'men' (including this one) love sitting on their well-fed arse with a beer, watching the 'little woman' do the cooking/washing up/clearing/fetching more beer.

Personally I'd set a boundary - help, or get out.

But Op won't. SHe'd rather look for a solution that involves nothing at all.

gamerchick · 13/12/2017 10:56

OP what are you wanting... advice on how to stand your ground or to vent?

Personally maybe going on strike would be the way to go. Tell him you’re not cooking or running around. Let him rant, stand your ground.

Or order curries the night before and just heat them up Christmas Day.

If you just want to vent, carry on and happy Christmas.

Trinity66 · 13/12/2017 10:56

ptumbi

Well said, that's the long and short of it really, there is no other solution really, we can all only control our own actions

gamerchick · 13/12/2017 10:57

Going to your family would be the ideal solution tbh if you could do the expense. Let him spend it with his family and see the work that gets put in.

Shoxfordian · 13/12/2017 10:57

There's likely to be a bigger imbalance in the relationship. Does he do housework and cooking all year but just slack off at christmas? Or do you put up with this shit all year but its worse at christmas because of more people?! I suspect the latter.

Ishouldreallybeworkingg · 13/12/2017 10:59

Your husband is delusional and incredibly selfish.

Lweji · 13/12/2017 11:01

Tell him it's fine and you'll help him.
Sit and enjoy a drink while you tell him what to do.

If his family asks, tell them he's offered to shoulder the burden this year and how wonderful he is for it.

katesmith25 · 13/12/2017 11:01

Family should be part of your joy, not ruling your decisions.

Trinity66 · 13/12/2017 11:01

well i think you'll find that 'men' (including this one) love sitting on their well-fed arse with a beer, watching the 'little woman' do the cooking/washing up/clearing/fetching more beer.

at the risk of being berated for saying "not all men" it isn't all men, I host Christmas every year because I like staying at home (as does my DH) but he helps out alot. This year he's doing the starter, I'll do the main dinner and my DD is doing the Dessert but he always tells me to go sit down and talk to our guests after dinner while he and the kids clean up. I'm sure I'm not the only one with a DH who is a responsible adult :p

EtInTerraPax · 13/12/2017 11:02

Ask him what he did to 'help' last Christmas.
Then ask him to make a comprehensive list of what needs doing this year.
Then tell him to get on with it.
If he wants to host he needs to do the preparation and the work.

Original poster
LilyFlower2222 · 13/12/2017 11:03

Shoxfordian i’m Ashamed to say it’s the latter. I need to start standing up for myself.

OP posts:
FucksakeCuntingFuckingTwats · 13/12/2017 11:05

Tell him yes they can come but since you aren't running around after everyone like hired help this year and selfishly would like to enjoy Xmas for once so you will be calling a Chinese takeaway and eating off paper plates and cups, unless he would like to cook?

Lweji · 13/12/2017 11:06

so you will be calling a Chinese takeaway and eating off paper plates and cups,

No, don't. He should decide whether he gets a chinese takeaway or he prepares dinner.

QueenThisTime · 13/12/2017 11:06

Hahahahahahahaha.... you're selfish? For wanting to take a step back from doing fecking everything every Christmas for HIS family? Bloody hell, how totally typical - women do everything and then are told they are "selfish" if they want a break, by men who do nothing Angry

Agree with others OP this is your time to say to him, well they are your family, and since you are so un selfish, it's surely your turn to host Christmas. Give him a book/magazine with all the instructions and explain you'll be sitting on your arse with a drink, which surely he'll see as acceptable as it's exactly what he's always done? Tell his family he's doing the hosting this year and to contact him if they have any questions. And yes shove something in the freezer for HIM to heat up if it all goes tits up.

Relax and enjoy Christmas with your DC and do not get up to help.

You never know, he might get into it...

ptumbi · 13/12/2017 11:10

You need to start standing up for yourself? I think that ship has sailed a long time ago. He will ignore your 'standing up' (because it doesn't benefit him) and just steamroller over any objection. Name-calling is just the start of it.

You need to start looking at LTB.