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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband says I’m selfish

101 replies

LilyFlower2222 · 13/12/2017 10:24

I asked if we could spend Christmas on our own with DC without he’s family. Been together for 17 years and since I met his family I’ve been cooking Christmas dinner etc and not one of them offers to help even the washing up. DH says he helps which means him sitting down and having a drink. I still have to also look after the DC whilst hosting all the adults. We have been going to inlaws for past years. Now we are in a bigger property it’s still not big enough to host everyone however the inlaws are insisting on coming regardless. I explained it would be nice to have one Christmas where I’m not running around. I explained it’s not that I don’t want he’s family to come it’s because I also want to relax and enjoy Christmas with DC. My family live abroad so not involved. AIBU. Thanks

OP posts:

BitOutOfPractice · 13/12/2017 11:12

Quite obviously there is one selfish person in your "relationship" (that's in speech marks because relationship implies partnership) and it ain't you OP

MoosicalDaisy · 13/12/2017 11:12

See if you can find anywhere with spaces for Christmas lunch for you and your DCs :)

JaneEyre70 · 13/12/2017 11:12

Take the bull by the horns, and either book a last minute holiday cottage or phone the In Laws and just say you are too exhausted to do it all this year - they are welcome for coffee/mince pies either morning or afternoon but you simply don't have the energy to cook a huge meal.

You need to break the cycle - he isn't going to when he's benefitting from it sadly. You are telling him something and he's choosing to ignore you. So shout harder.

Shakey15000 · 13/12/2017 11:14

Trinity similar here in the "it's not all men" stakes.

OP, say no.

gamerchick · 13/12/2017 11:15

I'm sure I'm not the only one with a DH who is a responsible adult

Nope mines totally taking over and I’m being locked out of the kitchen because I’ll be in the way.

It’s me sitting on my well fed arse with a beer this year.

You’re going to end up sucking it up aren’t you OP?

ptumbi · 13/12/2017 11:19

Of course it's not all men - I was responding to the poster who wrote 'men love boundaries - they are like toddlers in that respect'

Unfortunately, 'toddler' in this case means a full-grown, strong, name-calling and drinking man. Not one you can put on the naughty step. (And his family)

But you can LTB.

Butterymuffin · 13/12/2017 11:19

Tell him now you're taking this Christmas Day off. They can't actually make you cook.

Autumnskiesarelovely · 13/12/2017 11:19

YANBU

However it’ll be a lot of arguing if it’s a case of not inviting them - and a big sulky husband.

Can you go to your family? That way you can state your case without refusing or blocking, all take up energy. And be around your gang for a change.
Or book you and kids into hotel for holiday?

Just makes it clear and simple.

becotide · 13/12/2017 11:20

I know there is a huge amount of social pressure on women this time of year, especially the mothers of children.

I know that it can feel like you MUST do these things because it would be a DISASTER if it doesn't get done.

BUt I don't know a child under 12 who gives a shit about Christmas dinner, and any child over 12 can help an a massive way - can basically do it themselves with directions.

So this is what you MUST do.

get your kids some presents to open on Christmas day, and make sure they get some sort of food with some crackers to snap, and plenty of pudding.

THAT'S IT.

That is the sum of your actual obligations

You are not obliged to play mummy to your husband and his vast tribe of spoilt pigs!

But in order to do this, you have to do it, and mean it. You have to truly say NO. And MEAN it. No jumping in at the last minute. No bowing to pressure from people who want you to serve them like they're paying you.

Send everyone an email stating you are not cooking anything on Christmas day, that you have discussed this with your husband and this is your statement of intent

But then you just mustn't.

ArcheryAnnie · 13/12/2017 11:21

If he's prepared to do the cooking, and you will agree to "help" with the washing-up afterwards, then it's fine for his inlaws to come.

(And if you agree to this, stick to it. Don't do the christmas shopping, don't start the cooking, don't cave!)

StayAChild · 13/12/2017 11:21

It really is very, very difficult to change a pattern that has lasted for 17 years. You really have to be firm about this if you want to change things. We managed it by having a few Christmas lunches out. It was expensive as we had 6 to pay for, but it did the trick and some of the people we had been feeding for many years suddenly decided to make alternative arrangements. We now have just my immediate family and I am more than happy with that.

Am I correct in reading that you've usually done all the work at the in-laws house, now you have your own bigger house and they are inviting themselves to yours? If so, I can see where they are getting their entitlement from - you've been to theirs for however many Christmases, now it's your turn.

I would book a ticket to your own family, break the pattern and leave them to it.

sadie9 · 13/12/2017 11:22

This is the part that is going badly wrong for you Surely if he cared he would acknowledge my feelings
Well, no. They are not mind readers. They are as thick as a freakin plank and very dense. He sees 'helping' as going to the supermarket for the fun stuff like a slab of beers and some wine. And jumping up to be the big host.
Thing is, people are mixing you up with someone who enjoys cooking a Christmas dinner and doing everything herself. Maybe you tell people 'oh it's fine, really' when they offer to do something?
That's not because of anything bad about you, quite the opposite, because it comes from being a genuinely nice person who's trying to make things work and make a great Christmas for those she cares about
You will have to try asking for help rather than sulking internally and hoping someone will notice. You have to do something in the real world to explain how you feel. And take up a new stance on it.
All you want is for a fair and reasonable sharing of the dinner and Christmas day workload. Ask your OH has he any ideas of what might work. He might surprise you.
Walking around dejectedly, sniffing, sighing, feeling sorry for yourself and hoping he'll mysteriously figure out what's wrong won't work. Believe me plenty of us have tried that.
There's no need for world war 3 either. So you don't need to go into Huff Quit mode. Do you think you could assert your position and tell him how you really feel?

QueenOfAccidentalDeathStares · 13/12/2017 11:23

so you previously went to your inlaws house, and cooked in there house?

so logically they are coming to your house and doing the cooking?

Trinity66 · 13/12/2017 11:23

Of course it's not all men - I was responding to the poster who wrote 'men love boundaries - they are like toddlers in that respect'

apologies if I misunderstood your post.

I just get so annoyed when people let men do this to them, not just men anyone really, let people walk all over them and let them put them down and eat away their confidence. Stand up for yourself, you don't have to do anything, if you go through with doing this you're allowing yourself be treated like you're some sort of servant rather than a partner in a relationship!!

Clutterbugsmum · 13/12/2017 11:26

I would do as Littlelion spell it out loud and clear that this is the last time you will be 'doing christmas' for his family. So I would do a simple buffet of things that can prepared in advance so cold meats, cheeses bread/crackers.

And if anyone dares to complain tell them that this is also so your christmas and you are fed up of missing the family christmas while you slave and wait on them. So you have decided that as no one wants to help you that there will be no more christmases with slaving in the kitchen and missing your children playing with their new things.

If they fell uncomfortable then that all their guilt for allowing them to use you over the many years.

sadie9 · 13/12/2017 11:27

And...Him saying your are selfish is all about him again. He likes being the big show off host at Christmas and your change of plan is a threat to him. To him, it seemed you dismissed or belittled what's important to him, i.e. being the big flash host at Christmas and being the 'great guy' in the family. That's why you are getting the childish reaction from him.
If you want a good response, acknowledge what is important to him so say something like 'I know you love having your family here at Christmas and that you love hosting them here, and that's great....HOWEVER...

lurkingnotlurking · 13/12/2017 11:30

You're not selfish. Your partner is attempting to live in the 1950s. It's not normal and it's not acceptable. Stand up for yourself now and all year. Make yourself happy.

Gemini69 · 13/12/2017 11:38

Your made left me feeling sad and angry for you Lady...

you must stand up for yourself.. his entire Family are walking all over you ...

Stand your ground Lady... say NO

Viviennemary · 13/12/2017 11:45

No I don't think it's selfish to want Christmas on your own this year. I hate the way it's not selfish of them to insist on what they want but it is selfish of you to say what you prefer. Say you're not doing Christmas this year and that's it. And making lists of what each person should bring is almost as bad a headache as doing it yourself. Good idea to send a note to his family saying you won't be hosting Christmas this year.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 13/12/2017 11:47

You sound worn out, please tell him, it's not happening.
Suggest that you all eat out.💐

justilou1 · 13/12/2017 11:53

Write him a list, send him to the supermarket, point to the kitchen and pour yourself ALL the wine!

Giraffey1 · 13/12/2017 11:57

OP. You know the answer - you know you are not being selfish.
You say surely if he cared for you, he would acknowledge your feelings? Well, actually, no. If he cared for you, you wouldn't have gone for so many years with you doing all the work and him being a lazy arse. He would be discussing it with you each year, saying, what shall we do this Christmas? Shall we invite family? Shall we just stay home and not have anyone round? Shall we save up and go to your family. Etc.

QueenThisTime · 13/12/2017 11:59

Surely if he cared he would acknowledge my feelings

I agree with you OP. An adult shouldn't have to have it spelt out to them that doing all the prep and cooking for xmas dinner for a big family is hard work and unfair if it always all lands on one person.

And anyway you have spelt it out nonetheless and he STILL just calls you selfish. I think he doesn't care about your feelings, he cares about sitting on his arse while you do the work, i.e. the status quo, and getting to enjoy Christmas and impress his family with no effort for him. When you object he tries to slap you down and guilt you back into it. That does not tell me he cares about your feelings.

It's a hard lesson to learn but I think a lot of women who are running themselves ragged and taking on an unfair load do eventually find themselves facing the reality that their OH does not really care.

Dozer · 13/12/2017 12:00

Sounds like your H is a twat. Head over to relationships for advice.

Trinity66 · 13/12/2017 12:00

Maybe show him this thread

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